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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and wfh

72 replies

Pammela2 · 04/10/2023 19:19

My husband used to do 2 days in the office (my days off with kids at home).
Recently he has been wfh those days too but doesn’t tell me until the morning and basically doesn’t consult or think I need to know.

This might be ok if our office space wasn’t in the open plan, main living area of the house..so we’re having to be quiet if he is on a call, he’s making comments about what everyone is doing and I can’t really have play dates etc.

He told me that one of the days he’ll be here more often because of certain things happening at work which mean it’s too busy for staff to go in. Fine. He’s now started staying home the other day though but doesn’t tell me until the morning- last week it’s because he wasn’t feeling well..

So I asked him what the plan going forward is. I knew he would be defensive, and he was..
He basically said he doesn’t know when he’ll be home, that it shouldn’t matter to me and that it’s his house and he can be here whenever. He said that it’s clear I don’t want to be around him etc.

I categorically said it wasn’t about him, it’s about having ANY time on the house where I’m alone (although I have a toddler and school age child). I am out at work we’d-fri and kids are in nursery, so he’s alone.

He just kept saying oh I’ll tell you to leave on a Friday, oh piss off.. Even though I was just trying to explain why the one day (half of what we’d agreed and been doing since covid) was just a time for me to not feel as though I have to potter and go out so as not to disturb him!

So ami being unreasonable expecting this? He says he has no control, but I don’t think this is true. I know his boss and I know he basically would prefer to be home because he tends to power through work and then watch YouTube for a bit, then go back to work. He can’t do that in the office.

We are going to move the office space but honestly I still feel like one day where I can have people over and do play dates isn’t a big ask, when he has an office to go to!

OP posts:
Whalewatchers · 04/10/2023 21:25

Pammela2 · 04/10/2023 21:21

He has a good job..we live in a very expensive are..so we’re not moving. We are potentially doing Reno work but with astronomical
costs and high interest rates, it’s on hold atm as it’s a huge job.
But I agree, he sounds like a melt..

Show quote history

Could you get a garden room or convert the attic? These aren't particularly expensive if added onto the mortgage.

Original poster
Pammela2 · 04/10/2023 21:27

I have read replies and am pleased to confiirm
that I’m not being unreasonable.

As stated, I do not have ANY time alone in the house, ever. I’m a teacher so even in my ‘days off’ I have at least one child with me. He has 3 days of the week alone and can take a holiday day if he wanted then, with no children and no need to plan childcare. the day I’m discussing is one he previously always went in on and a day I have our toddler and could do play dates etc.

He gets disgruntled and is vocal about feeling annoyed with kids getting ready for school and then playing. So it’s not as if when he’s here it makes no difference or is helpful.

I have told him to move his office stuff. I will help if he needs any but I’m sure he’ll be precious about it. He’s also not great a diy/stuff around the house, so I’m not confident he’ll do it that quickly..

Again, it’s the attitude and lack of any understanding that has annoyed me tbh. The way he explained himself was that he wanted x, y and z. He didn’t care about informing me about changes to work patterns etc. And I think that’s also unreasonable.

OP posts:
minipie · 04/10/2023 21:27

You have a spare room, presumably with a door. That is the OBVIOUS place for him to wfh.

The fact he is choosing to wfh in the open plan living area when you have noisy kids around suggests … well, the nice interpretation is that he just loves being near you and doesn’t mind the noise. The less nice interpretation is he (perhaps subconsciously) likes spoiling your days at home.

Original poster
Pammela2 · 04/10/2023 21:28

Should add the disgruntled
is because he starts work early- about 7.30, which is why he has a light day on a Friday.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 04/10/2023 21:29

We've been doing WFH since the first lockdown. Sometimes I was working from home as well. Something I've been really rather firm on, is that it is our home first, and a work from home space second. So I'm afraid that our work does have to understand that kids' noise, and cat's butts are part of the package, bar exceptional circumstances. Especially since the work set up was in the main living area. We weren't paying the rent for our work masters.

Original poster
Pammela2 · 04/10/2023 21:29

Whalewatchers · 04/10/2023 21:25

Could you get a garden room or convert the attic? These aren't particularly expensive if added onto the mortgage.

Edited
Show quote history

We are going to go into the attic but with a plan to go over a current single story extension too. So it’s a big job, we don’t want to do half of it, we’d rather do all.

I suggested the garden office and he said I was ‘getting rid of him into the garden’..

OP posts:
TrashedSofa · 04/10/2023 21:30

Pammela2 · 04/10/2023 21:29

We are going to go into the attic but with a plan to go over a current single story extension too. So it’s a big job, we don’t want to do half of it, we’d rather do all.

I suggested the garden office and he said I was ‘getting rid of him into the garden’..

Show quote history

He's being a dick.

Original poster
Pammela2 · 04/10/2023 21:31

mbosnz · 04/10/2023 21:29

We've been doing WFH since the first lockdown. Sometimes I was working from home as well. Something I've been really rather firm on, is that it is our home first, and a work from home space second. So I'm afraid that our work does have to understand that kids' noise, and cat's butts are part of the package, bar exceptional circumstances. Especially since the work set up was in the main living area. We weren't paying the rent for our work masters.

His boss actually does think this! She’s really good about it and lets people to school pick ups etc. it’s entirely him who gets stressed out about the noise etc. yet he can go into the office or use the spare room, and is currently choosing not to do either!

OP posts:
Summermeadowflowers · 04/10/2023 21:33

To be fair, my DH would never, ever be as rude to me as yours has been but I’m just posting in empathy.

DH decided to change his WFH days to Wednesday - Friday as soon as my work confirmed my days off would be Thursday and Friday Hmm which meant I had to be out of the house dawn till dusk with the toddler: for those who will doubtless insist I don’t have to, I do, because the alternative is a crying, whinging toddler which is no fun for anybody.

DH actually has an annexe but won’t go in it for some reason! I am on maternity leave at the moment and I’m slowly losing my mind with this

‘Yeah … Yeah … Well, I think Stephen managed to contact him but not sure … Yeah … I think the important thing is to check first … They all need checking I would say … Yeah … That sounds good … I have a meeting then but I can see if I can leave early … So that’s the 8th? … Yeah …’

You get the picture!

category12 · 04/10/2023 21:35

I suggested the garden office and he said I was ‘getting rid of him into the garden’..

Say "Yes I am - or rather I am getting rid of your work from our living space, so me and the kids can be noisy and have friends over."

Stop letting him distract/throw you off you by playing the victim. It's ridiculous. It needs laughing at, not pandering to.

parietal · 04/10/2023 21:35

Anyone who does wfh has to sort out their own desk AWAY from the rest of the family and not complain about noise.

NoPrivateSpy · 04/10/2023 21:36

So does he let you have some chill out time on the Friday when he's quieter? Let you pop out for lunch while he has the kids?

Honestly he does sound like a bit of an arse. I'd be annoyed. Having him at home should bring some advantages to you as well as him. That's how we try to work it anyway.

Ellie1015 · 04/10/2023 21:38

I completely understand desire for time at home alone. I really appreciate it. However i dont think you can expect it.

That said, when you are at home with the children and he needs/wants to work from home he cannot expect you to be quiet or never have visitors. Occasionally dealing with an extra wfh day is fair enough but definitely not the norm. He needs to get to office, accept the noise or move room.

CantFindTheBeat · 04/10/2023 21:43

OMG - he needs to move into the non-family space IMMEDIATELY.

Doesn't he know how lucky he is to have the option???

Honestly OP - genuine question, do you still fancy him/have desire for him when he's this much hard work?

autiebooklover · 04/10/2023 21:49

I think your right you just used the wrong argument you needed to go with "it's hard to stay quiet and not fair on toddler"

I wouldn't be keeping toddler quiet at all and if he complains there's an office he can work from.

Original poster
Pammela2 · 04/10/2023 21:50

CantFindTheBeat · 04/10/2023 21:43

OMG - he needs to move into the non-family space IMMEDIATELY.

Doesn't he know how lucky he is to have the option???

Honestly OP - genuine question, do you still fancy him/have desire for him when he's this much hard work?

Yes, I’m going to make sure he moves asap.

Emm, no I don’t fancy him when he’s behaving like this. It’s childish and definitely unfanciable.

OP posts:
autiebooklover · 04/10/2023 21:50

Also definitely do play dates

Topee · 04/10/2023 21:58

Organise the play dates and carry on as you would if he wasn’t there. He’s being totally selfish and unreasonable.

MaryJanesonabreak · 04/10/2023 22:02

It’s not an office! He’s literally plonked himself down in the middle of a domestic space and is demanding that it be an office.
Demand a schedule,
Demand he moves himself into the spare room.
Do not reign in any noise, activities or play dates.
He is being SO unreasonable.

Nicole1111 · 04/10/2023 22:12

I’m pretty sure it’s about time you purchased your child a recorder. Maybe get one for all the children you have play dates with and host recorder practice at your home in his working hours.

PonyPatter44 · 04/10/2023 22:49

Hang on, you've got a spare room??? Then he is being a complete and utter moron! Buy your kid a drum kit and a recorder.

Whalewatchers · 04/10/2023 23:33

I think you need to be clear with him. It's a HOME first, an office SECOND IF it doesn't impact on his family's use of the house as a HOME. Otherwise, he can go and use the office facility wherever that is!

I WFH in the kitchen, but only when I'm doing easy tasks that I can concentrate on when there is background noise and a bit of disturbance. Anything I have to think about or if I need to take a call, I go upstairs and away from the hubbub.

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