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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and wfh

72 replies

Pammela2 · 04/10/2023 19:19

My husband used to do 2 days in the office (my days off with kids at home).
Recently he has been wfh those days too but doesn’t tell me until the morning and basically doesn’t consult or think I need to know.

This might be ok if our office space wasn’t in the open plan, main living area of the house..so we’re having to be quiet if he is on a call, he’s making comments about what everyone is doing and I can’t really have play dates etc.

He told me that one of the days he’ll be here more often because of certain things happening at work which mean it’s too busy for staff to go in. Fine. He’s now started staying home the other day though but doesn’t tell me until the morning- last week it’s because he wasn’t feeling well..

So I asked him what the plan going forward is. I knew he would be defensive, and he was..
He basically said he doesn’t know when he’ll be home, that it shouldn’t matter to me and that it’s his house and he can be here whenever. He said that it’s clear I don’t want to be around him etc.

I categorically said it wasn’t about him, it’s about having ANY time on the house where I’m alone (although I have a toddler and school age child). I am out at work we’d-fri and kids are in nursery, so he’s alone.

He just kept saying oh I’ll tell you to leave on a Friday, oh piss off.. Even though I was just trying to explain why the one day (half of what we’d agreed and been doing since covid) was just a time for me to not feel as though I have to potter and go out so as not to disturb him!

So ami being unreasonable expecting this? He says he has no control, but I don’t think this is true. I know his boss and I know he basically would prefer to be home because he tends to power through work and then watch YouTube for a bit, then go back to work. He can’t do that in the office.

We are going to move the office space but honestly I still feel like one day where I can have people over and do play dates isn’t a big ask, when he has an office to go to!

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 04/10/2023 20:42

Just tell him he has to move his office upstairs this weekend, as from next week onwards you will not be keeping the kids quiet or stopping play dates for his children so he will have to put y0 with the noise if he stays downstairs

and do it

WrongSwanson · 04/10/2023 20:43

Tinkerbyebye · 04/10/2023 20:42

Just tell him he has to move his office upstairs this weekend, as from next week onwards you will not be keeping the kids quiet or stopping play dates for his children so he will have to put y0 with the noise if he stays downstairs

and do it

Agreed. He's being deeply selfish.

maddening · 04/10/2023 20:44

We have an office upstairs each so wfh when the other is off has no impact, in your case yanbu, he either needs to Work in another room or fuck off to the office.

crew2022 · 04/10/2023 20:45

Can't he work from the bedroom?

Mintearo7 · 04/10/2023 20:46

Get him a noise cancelling headset that he can do calls from and block out noise when he wants to concentrate - those things are great and his work might even pay for it. Then he has to either wear the headset or not moan. Tbh, I can be quite sensitive and if my DH said i’m always in the house and he needs time in the house alone I would be a bit annoyed. Time apart I get it but you get that at work. I think it’s the fact he moans in front of you, if he didn’t you might be okay pottering with him there?

Lovingitallnow · 04/10/2023 20:47

I don't keep the kids quiet. It's their home first. I don't let them interrupt dh or go into the office or anything. But I will not be using the phrase be quiet dads working. He's gotten himself a headset and used to work in our bedroom when lockdown started (it was amazing he'd tidy it every day in case the camera would move). He has an office now but he has never taken the shared spaces off the kids.

MobMoll · 04/10/2023 20:50

The problem isn’t him working from home, the problem is him working in the shared area.
It’s totally U of him to except everyone to be ok with that. Surely there’s another part of the house that’s more suitable, even if it’s a small desk in the bedroom?

Angryappendix · 04/10/2023 20:53

YANBU for expecting him to work with you so find a WFH solution that fits everyone. He should move to your bedroom if possible.

YABU to except him not to WFH just so you can have a day to yourself without kids IF that’s what you’re suggesting.

WeWereInParis · 04/10/2023 20:53

Weve moved our kids into bunk beds And I said he need to move the desk etc into the spare room. I’m not sure when this will happen.

What?? He has another room just sitting empty that could be an office! I genuinely can't understand why he wouldn't be much happier moving there than working in the main living area. Why is he continuing to create a problem when there is a solution that would work for everyone. I'd be so annoyed.
Since he has other space, I wouldn't be accommodating his wfh at all in terms of noise etc. If he wants quiet, he can go to the spare room.

PonyPatter44 · 04/10/2023 20:55

He needs to get a better job so he can afford a bigger house where he can have his own office. Honestly, what a melt he sounds.

Ginger1982 · 04/10/2023 20:58

Why are you passively waiting for him to decide to move into the other room? Stand over him until it's done!

Sigmama · 04/10/2023 21:00

Your needs trump his as he has an alternative, you and the kid/s don't, what an arse

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2023 21:03

Petty: Play dates every single day he's supposed to be in the office, full house, buy a drum kit if you have to.

Adult: Explain that you need alone time, it isn't about him, it's a need of yours. Spell out how much and how much of that needs to be child-free. You'd rather it was with the WFH/office combo but if he has to parent his children on the weekend and take them somewhere instead of doing hobbies, that works for you too. Every time he talks about his feelings, acknowledge them then talk about yours. "DH I know you feel pushed out, we were talking about how I needed alone time. I'd like to focus on that."

category12 · 04/10/2023 21:05

Why wait for him to move? Say "right oh, let's get your office set up" at a convenient point, and get started. Why be so passive about it?

To some extent he's using his "sensitivity" to rule the roost and keep you quiet - stop letting his moods control the household.

WrongSwanson · 04/10/2023 21:11

category12 · 04/10/2023 21:05

Why wait for him to move? Say "right oh, let's get your office set up" at a convenient point, and get started. Why be so passive about it?

To some extent he's using his "sensitivity" to rule the roost and keep you quiet - stop letting his moods control the household.

Why should she have to set it up for him?

TrashedSofa · 04/10/2023 21:12

I wouldn't frame it as time alone in the house, because he has as much right to be there as you do. Stick to how outrageously unreasonable he's being, commandeering the living space. He needs to be working somewhere out of the way.

category12 · 04/10/2023 21:15

WrongSwanson · 04/10/2023 21:11

Why should she have to set it up for him?

Show quote history
  1. Because she's passive aggressively waiting to be disappointed by how long it takes him to do it.
  2. Because it benefits her and gets the issue sorted out for the family
  3. because they live together and it's customary to share chores like moving around furniture in shared homes
WrongSwanson · 04/10/2023 21:17

category12 · 04/10/2023 21:15

  1. Because she's passive aggressively waiting to be disappointed by how long it takes him to do it.
  2. Because it benefits her and gets the issue sorted out for the family
  3. because they live together and it's customary to share chores like moving around furniture in shared homes
Show quote history
  1. He's passive aggressively failing to do it
  1. It will rapidly benefit him if she stops being meek and keeping the house quiet for him
  1. It's his work stuff, not a family chore
boozeclues · 04/10/2023 21:18

You just need to say it’s fine he can work from home when ever, but he works from the bedroom, a kids bedrooom, the garage etc. as you won’t be walking on egg shells around him.

My DH used to annoy the hell out of me as he worked from our kitchen table so the WHOLE
KITCHEN was out of bounds to me during the day.

when I stopped making lunch or offering a coffee he soon found his own place to work upstairs 😁

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 04/10/2023 21:18

Pammela2 · 04/10/2023 19:19

My husband used to do 2 days in the office (my days off with kids at home).
Recently he has been wfh those days too but doesn’t tell me until the morning and basically doesn’t consult or think I need to know.

This might be ok if our office space wasn’t in the open plan, main living area of the house..so we’re having to be quiet if he is on a call, he’s making comments about what everyone is doing and I can’t really have play dates etc.

He told me that one of the days he’ll be here more often because of certain things happening at work which mean it’s too busy for staff to go in. Fine. He’s now started staying home the other day though but doesn’t tell me until the morning- last week it’s because he wasn’t feeling well..

So I asked him what the plan going forward is. I knew he would be defensive, and he was..
He basically said he doesn’t know when he’ll be home, that it shouldn’t matter to me and that it’s his house and he can be here whenever. He said that it’s clear I don’t want to be around him etc.

I categorically said it wasn’t about him, it’s about having ANY time on the house where I’m alone (although I have a toddler and school age child). I am out at work we’d-fri and kids are in nursery, so he’s alone.

He just kept saying oh I’ll tell you to leave on a Friday, oh piss off.. Even though I was just trying to explain why the one day (half of what we’d agreed and been doing since covid) was just a time for me to not feel as though I have to potter and go out so as not to disturb him!

So ami being unreasonable expecting this? He says he has no control, but I don’t think this is true. I know his boss and I know he basically would prefer to be home because he tends to power through work and then watch YouTube for a bit, then go back to work. He can’t do that in the office.

We are going to move the office space but honestly I still feel like one day where I can have people over and do play dates isn’t a big ask, when he has an office to go to!

any room he can work in? Little desk in the bedroom?

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 04/10/2023 21:18

boozeclues · 04/10/2023 21:18

You just need to say it’s fine he can work from home when ever, but he works from the bedroom, a kids bedrooom, the garage etc. as you won’t be walking on egg shells around him.

My DH used to annoy the hell out of me as he worked from our kitchen table so the WHOLE
KITCHEN was out of bounds to me during the day.

when I stopped making lunch or offering a coffee he soon found his own place to work upstairs 😁

Absolutely

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2023 21:20

TrashedSofa · 04/10/2023 21:12

I wouldn't frame it as time alone in the house, because he has as much right to be there as you do. Stick to how outrageously unreasonable he's being, commandeering the living space. He needs to be working somewhere out of the way.

I insisted on it. Time alone in my own space without being bothered is important. DH gets loads because DD and I like to go out. So I get the same.

I think women especially need it because more of the "mummy mummy mum, Lois, mum" stuff is directed at us.

Original poster
Pammela2 · 04/10/2023 21:21

PonyPatter44 · 04/10/2023 20:55

He needs to get a better job so he can afford a bigger house where he can have his own office. Honestly, what a melt he sounds.

He has a good job..we live in a very expensive are..so we’re not moving. We are potentially doing Reno work but with astronomical
costs and high interest rates, it’s on hold atm as it’s a huge job.
But I agree, he sounds like a melt..

OP posts:
PandaExpress · 04/10/2023 21:24

My DH wfh everyday. He does have his own office upstairs though. He loves it. He spends much more time alone in the house than I do. In fact I can't remember the last time I was alone at home. If your DH can move his working space to another part of the house, I don't see what the problem is. Is it mainly because you miss having the house to yourself? I get it, I occasionally miss that too, but it's pretty selfish to deny him the chance to wfh in his own home, just because of that.

TrashedSofa · 04/10/2023 21:25

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2023 21:20

I insisted on it. Time alone in my own space without being bothered is important. DH gets loads because DD and I like to go out. So I get the same.

I think women especially need it because more of the "mummy mummy mum, Lois, mum" stuff is directed at us.

Show quote history

If that's something you both agree is important to facilitate for each other and is part of your equal balance, that's fine. As a general rule though, one person doesn't get to decide the other person isn't allowed in the home. DH would get quite the earful if he thought he got to tell me when I was allowed in my own house.

Mind you, I don't expect to spend time in communal space whilst remaining entirely undisturbed by events around me. Especially not when working!