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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsure about this new woman at his work

72 replies

Redcliffe1 · 04/10/2023 19:04

AIBU to be a bit unsure about the man I'm seeing and his "friend " at work

I met this man (let's call him Tim) on bumble about a year ago - got on really well, went away pretty early on and have seen each other other other week since (I have my kids the other week). He is 49 and Im 52 and dispite living 90 minutes/2 hours (public transport) we make it work.

A few months ago, we agreed to tone things down a little, and although we are still exclusive, it's more a situationalship than a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. He works in retail and is a shift leader. A while ago this new woman started (let's call her Sue) and they have become fast friends despite her being 22. He often talks about her and says she's the daughter he never had.

They work alongside each other alot (he chooses her over others if he needs an extra person with him for a task), they hang out during quiet times, he takes her lunch in everyday and sometimes at weekends or evenings they go for long dog walks together with his dog. He sent me a picture of her and his dog (he normally sends me one of his dog and I said "be good to see what Sue looks like" so he included her in the picture). She is incredibly pretty, and now I'm starting to wonder if there isn't more to it or if I am being paranoid?

OP posts:
SpeedbirdSquawker · 04/10/2023 19:07

He takes her lunch in everyday? What?!

SpeedbirdSquawker · 04/10/2023 19:08

Sounds to me like something is cooking.

Original poster
Redcliffe1 · 04/10/2023 19:09

SpeedbirdSquawker · 04/10/2023 19:07

He takes her lunch in everyday? What?!

He makes double or takes two lots of leftovers in.

OP posts:
SpeedbirdSquawker · 04/10/2023 19:10

He's definitely got the hots for her. He'll be feeling so bloody flattered a pretty young thing shows him attention.

Angryappendix · 04/10/2023 19:10

Hmmmmm this could be innocent to be fair, I worked in retail and in my late teens/ early twenties and was friends with older managers - no strings attached.

The fact he’s sharing it with you seems very honest.

Softnatural · 04/10/2023 19:13

I could all be innocent although I'd bet it's not but why bother? You've "cooled" it, the distance doesn't really work and he's got you bothered over this. Cut your losses.

Why did you decide to cool things?

Original poster
Redcliffe1 · 04/10/2023 19:14

Angryappendix · 04/10/2023 19:10

Hmmmmm this could be innocent to be fair, I worked in retail and in my late teens/ early twenties and was friends with older managers - no strings attached.

The fact he’s sharing it with you seems very honest.

He's been very honest about it. I kind of feel that if he was hiding it that would be worse.

OP posts:
Softnatural · 04/10/2023 19:16

Redcliffe1 · 04/10/2023 19:14

He's been very honest about it. I kind of feel that if he was hiding it that would be worse.

Show quote history

No, OTT friendships are the way workplace affairs/EAs always start. This "honesty" could also be described as mentionitis.

Original poster
Redcliffe1 · 04/10/2023 19:17

Softnatural · 04/10/2023 19:13

I could all be innocent although I'd bet it's not but why bother? You've "cooled" it, the distance doesn't really work and he's got you bothered over this. Cut your losses.

Why did you decide to cool things?

I had a lot of stuff going on (work, kids ect) and trying to maintain a relationship on top of that felt too much.

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 04/10/2023 19:18

Dog walks at the weekend and ‘evenings’? Lunch every day? Nah mate. Older man and pretty 22 year old? We all can see what is going on here, let’s not pretend otherwise.

PandaExpress · 04/10/2023 19:26

20 odd years ago, when I was about 19, I worked in a company where the boss had a chauffeur/general assistant. The man was 40+ so ancient to me then. I was always rolling into work, completely unprepared (I was a party animal) This man used to bring me lunch and things and we'd have a brilliant laugh. There was absolutely nothing to it. My 'radar' for men/older predators was at full power and it was genuinely a fatherly/older brother relationship. He never flirted with me or asked intimate questions and had a partner. It sounds like your chap is being pretty open with you OP and if he wanted to dump you for this younger model, it would be pretty easy for him. It may not be innocent, but it could well be.

PrestonHood121 · 04/10/2023 19:29

He's probably embarrassing himself at work tbh.

Original poster
Redcliffe1 · 04/10/2023 19:34

PandaExpress · 04/10/2023 19:26

20 odd years ago, when I was about 19, I worked in a company where the boss had a chauffeur/general assistant. The man was 40+ so ancient to me then. I was always rolling into work, completely unprepared (I was a party animal) This man used to bring me lunch and things and we'd have a brilliant laugh. There was absolutely nothing to it. My 'radar' for men/older predators was at full power and it was genuinely a fatherly/older brother relationship. He never flirted with me or asked intimate questions and had a partner. It sounds like your chap is being pretty open with you OP and if he wanted to dump you for this younger model, it would be pretty easy for him. It may not be innocent, but it could well be.

This is such a sweet story. I do feel it's more like this - I can be a bit insecure sometimes

OP posts:
Angryappendix · 04/10/2023 19:35

@PandaExpress that’s what I have experienced with multiple line managers. One was single and a proper mate (thought he might have been gay at one point but later had a female partner).
The other was married with 2 kids and treated myself and my friend (both 19- to early twenties) like friends/family.

Softnatural · 04/10/2023 19:36

PandaExpress · 04/10/2023 19:26

20 odd years ago, when I was about 19, I worked in a company where the boss had a chauffeur/general assistant. The man was 40+ so ancient to me then. I was always rolling into work, completely unprepared (I was a party animal) This man used to bring me lunch and things and we'd have a brilliant laugh. There was absolutely nothing to it. My 'radar' for men/older predators was at full power and it was genuinely a fatherly/older brother relationship. He never flirted with me or asked intimate questions and had a partner. It sounds like your chap is being pretty open with you OP and if he wanted to dump you for this younger model, it would be pretty easy for him. It may not be innocent, but it could well be.

Did you meet him alone outside work though? That's a pretty big line IMO

Classinglass · 04/10/2023 19:37

Trust your instincts!

Original poster
Redcliffe1 · 04/10/2023 19:37

Angryappendix- that's so good to hear.

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 04/10/2023 19:38

There was absolutely nothing to it.

^
😂😂😂
Yeah right.

The other 99% of older men befriending young women are not so innocent. They edge their bets for a shag

They are never, ever friends with the old hack from accounts are they???

I bet they have the same taste in music too!!!

Angryappendix · 04/10/2023 19:39

He also favourited us for the best tasks as work and we loved it 🤣🤣🤣 we got away with murder in our retail jobs but we worked hard when push came to shove and he trusted us.

Screamingabdabz · 04/10/2023 19:40

coxesorangepippin · 04/10/2023 19:38

There was absolutely nothing to it.

^
😂😂😂
Yeah right.

The other 99% of older men befriending young women are not so innocent. They edge their bets for a shag

They are never, ever friends with the old hack from accounts are they???

I bet they have the same taste in music too!!!

Yep - it’s never menopausal but friendly Jackie on reception, or overweight but lovely Melissa with the 3 kids. No. It’s always the pretty 22 year old 🙄.

5128gap · 04/10/2023 19:40

If she's an incredibly pretty 22 year old and he's not wealthy or powerful, I'd say the odds are very much against her thinking of him as anything more than a 'safe' man. That is an older man that naive young women sometimes think are far too old to have anything but a paternal interest in them.
Unfortunately for her and for you, when an older man courts the friendship of a pretty 22 year old, I'd say the odds are very much against him not thinking of her in a sexual capacity. For one thing, what middle aged man would be so naive as to think buying lunch and fiddling the rota to ingratiate with a young female colleague was appropriate behaviour?
Personally I'd be distancing from him because he's very probably a sexual harassment claim waiting to happen.

Softnatural · 04/10/2023 19:43

I have a middle aged man male friend. I am also kiddle aged. Our friendship is based around a mutual hobby and most of our time together is in a group. The only time we'd be alone is if others couldn't make it for some reason. Most of our messaging is in a group, very rarely 121.

He has a lot of young female friends. Women in unhappy marriages or who have other trauma to confide in him over. Women who call him day and night amd ask him for "a walk". I've said to him often, it's amazing how these women who really need him to be a brother/father to them are never old and ugly 😆 He's single so he can do what he likes, but he's kidding himself as much as (he thinks) everyone else and making himself look slightly ridiculous.

PandaExpress · 04/10/2023 19:47

coxesorangepippin · 04/10/2023 19:38

There was absolutely nothing to it.

^
😂😂😂
Yeah right.

The other 99% of older men befriending young women are not so innocent. They edge their bets for a shag

They are never, ever friends with the old hack from accounts are they???

I bet they have the same taste in music too!!!

Was you there? I had plenty of older creeps after me, even in this workplace. The man who was my friend would actually be offended on my behalf. A woman in the office actually tried to set me up with another 40+ man who worked there and my man friend went mad at her saying "As if she'd want some fella 20 years older than her! Leave her alone"
I'm 40+ myself now. I know men. I know old perves. This wasn't that.

samestyle · 04/10/2023 19:51

Was it his suggestion to tone things down, let it be a 'situationship' so he doesn't feel so bad cheating. I'd leave him to it, it's not normal to have that much involvement with a colleague and you don't know what your relationship is if it anything, don't waste your time.

Softnatural · 04/10/2023 19:52

PandaExpress · 04/10/2023 19:47

Was you there? I had plenty of older creeps after me, even in this workplace. The man who was my friend would actually be offended on my behalf. A woman in the office actually tried to set me up with another 40+ man who worked there and my man friend went mad at her saying "As if she'd want some fella 20 years older than her! Leave her alone"
I'm 40+ myself now. I know men. I know old perves. This wasn't that.

Show quote history

But did you go for regular dog walks outside of work? That makes OP's situation very different.

Over the years I've had lots of bantery relationships with perfectly nice men at work, some I've had lunch with (although not everyday day). Meeting up every weekend, with no real purpose as well, is something different entirely.