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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be unsure about this new woman at his work

72 replies

Redcliffe1 · 04/10/2023 19:04

AIBU to be a bit unsure about the man I'm seeing and his "friend " at work

I met this man (let's call him Tim) on bumble about a year ago - got on really well, went away pretty early on and have seen each other other other week since (I have my kids the other week). He is 49 and Im 52 and dispite living 90 minutes/2 hours (public transport) we make it work.

A few months ago, we agreed to tone things down a little, and although we are still exclusive, it's more a situationalship than a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. He works in retail and is a shift leader. A while ago this new woman started (let's call her Sue) and they have become fast friends despite her being 22. He often talks about her and says she's the daughter he never had.

They work alongside each other alot (he chooses her over others if he needs an extra person with him for a task), they hang out during quiet times, he takes her lunch in everyday and sometimes at weekends or evenings they go for long dog walks together with his dog. He sent me a picture of her and his dog (he normally sends me one of his dog and I said "be good to see what Sue looks like" so he included her in the picture). She is incredibly pretty, and now I'm starting to wonder if there isn't more to it or if I am being paranoid?

OP posts:

Original poster

Redcliffe1 · 04/10/2023 19:57

Thank you for all your comments so far. I think they are both a bit bored and lonely (he lives by himself and she's not in a ideal situation) so just hang out for some company

OP posts:

WrongSwanson · 04/10/2023 20:00

Screamingabdabz · 04/10/2023 19:40

Yep - it’s never menopausal but friendly Jackie on reception, or overweight but lovely Melissa with the 3 kids. No. It’s always the pretty 22 year old 🙄.

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Exactly.

WrongSwanson · 04/10/2023 20:03

Yeah he's into her, so into her he's got raging mentionitis too.

It's no coincidence he "downgraded" your relationship

I loathed these men as a young pretty twenty something, I can't understand the women that encourage it.

Angryappendix · 04/10/2023 20:03

Awww OP, do hope you’re ok. The thing is all situations are different and none of us can 100% confirm yours.

But some posters will have you believe that all men are predators or creeps and this is not 100% fact either.

Retail is an environment where lots of ages mix together, some of my best memories are of my retail “family” and being a 20 year old.

All I would say is trust your instincts, be open but guarded and protect yourself so you don’t set yourself up for a fall. This won’t be your only opportunity in life for romance ♥️

KrisAkabusi · 04/10/2023 20:04

Screamingabdabz · 04/10/2023 19:40

Yep - it’s never menopausal but friendly Jackie on reception, or overweight but lovely Melissa with the 3 kids. No. It’s always the pretty 22 year old 🙄.

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Have you never been on Mumsnet before? People here are suspicious about EVERY woman in the workplace!

PandaExpress · 04/10/2023 20:05

Softnatural · 04/10/2023 19:52

But did you go for regular dog walks outside of work? That makes OP's situation very different.

Over the years I've had lots of bantery relationships with perfectly nice men at work, some I've had lunch with (although not everyday day). Meeting up every weekend, with no real purpose as well, is something different entirely.

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No I didn't. That's why I said it may or may not be innocent. Who knows? My point was that, not all friendships like this are building up to sex. Loads are, yes, but not all.

Missingmyusername · 04/10/2023 20:09

When do you actually see him?
What is a situationship? What’s the point, what’s in it for you? Sounds like a waste of time to me!

Why do men seem to have women throwing themselves at them. Honest to God, I just don’t get it.

QueenCamilla · 04/10/2023 20:28

He should stop bloody courting 20 year olds! It's so embarrassing, it would give me THE ick straight away!

It's as bad as a middle-aged fool trying to hang with a bunch of uni lads for "friends".

And bringing in the lunch is a proper nutter territory. There's me about to sit down to have my Greek salad with avocado and pitta when Nigel plops down his tupperware and "my" portion of the last night's bolognese... Good grief 🤦

Original poster

Redcliffe1 · 04/10/2023 20:32

She doesn't bring in lunch because she knows he will.

OP posts:

AnotherCountryMummy · 04/10/2023 20:34

Hate to say it, but I had an older friend at work. He used to bring me coffee every day.

I married him a few years down the line.

Softnatural · 04/10/2023 20:36

AnotherCountryMummy · 04/10/2023 20:34

Hate to say it, but I had an older friend at work. He used to bring me coffee every day.

I married him a few years down the line.

Is that not weird in itself? To have fallen into a situation where you're letting/expecting someone else to bring your lunch every day?

borntobequiet · 04/10/2023 20:38

Yep - it’s never menopausal but friendly Jackie on reception, or overweight but lovely Melissa with the 3 kids. No. It’s always the pretty 22 year old

I know two men who became emotionally and physically involved with older women at work, one much older. It happens.

Softnatural · 04/10/2023 20:39

borntobequiet · 04/10/2023 20:38

Yep - it’s never menopausal but friendly Jackie on reception, or overweight but lovely Melissa with the 3 kids. No. It’s always the pretty 22 year old

I know two men who became emotionally and physically involved with older women at work, one much older. It happens.

Not middle aged men? Young men and older women is a different thing.

QueenCamilla · 04/10/2023 20:40

Redcliffe1 · 04/10/2023 20:32

She doesn't bring in lunch because she knows he will.

Well poor girl! I also would be stumped at 22 as to how to handle the situation. I could definitely see myself eating Nige's left-overs for not seeing a better way out!

Would there be ANY 22 year old in this whole country looking forward to a tupperware lunch from their 50 year old retail shift leader?!

AnotherCountryMummy · 04/10/2023 20:41

Softnatural · 04/10/2023 20:36

Is that not weird in itself? To have fallen into a situation where you're letting/expecting someone else to bring your lunch every day?

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Well, my situation was a little different. He didn't bring me lunch. But we did share a coffee press and he provided the coffee beans.

But also, he was my genuine friend first before this started happening. And I wasn't 22. I was late 20s. Now I'm mid 30s and happy as Larry with how things panned out. He's not old enough to be my dad, either!

But yes, to answer your question - it's weird if she's relying on him to provide lunch. She's either using him or in love with him.

Sorry, OP 😔

AnotherCountryMummy · 04/10/2023 20:43

Or maybe she is just awkwardly stuck receiving his handouts because she's young and unsure how to make it stop. Which is sad.

Softnatural · 04/10/2023 20:44

AnotherCountryMummy · 04/10/2023 20:43

Or maybe she is just awkwardly stuck receiving his handouts because she's young and unsure how to make it stop. Which is sad.

Is she awkwardly joining him for dog walks at the weekend too?

AnotherCountryMummy · 04/10/2023 20:45

Softnatural · 04/10/2023 20:44

Is she awkwardly joining him for dog walks at the weekend too?

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Yes you're right. Sounds dodgey.

Zanatdy · 04/10/2023 20:48

Hmm does seem a bit OTT for a friendship at work, taking her lunch in every day and spending weekends together. Maybe she doesn’t see it that way, or maybe they are both feeling like it’s more than friends. Because he’s open doesn’t mean nothing is going on. But you can’t stop it from happening and the fact you’ve backed off a bit I guess might open it up for him to get closer to her. But if he’s going to, he will. Maybe it’s a genuine friendship and we are just judging him based on what we assume will be the case. People do have genuine friendships with the opposite sex.

QueenCamilla · 04/10/2023 20:52

I have a neighbour few doors down with a similar age difference sixty-something to my 36, who brings me chocolates. The way he pulls them out of his pockets all somewhat squished and melty... 🤢Straight into the bin they go.

I'll chat to him whilst working on the front garden. If I had a dog he'd definitely would want us to walk his and mine together. Any time I'm at the front of the house there's a chance he'll beeline over.

I'm nothing but nice to him and I bet he thinks we're "friends". In reality, it would be great if he'd move house sometime soon.

borntobequiet · 04/10/2023 20:59

Not middle aged men? Young men and older women is a different thing.

One mid-thirties, the other mid-forties. Women about 20 years older in both cases.

borntobequiet · 04/10/2023 21:01

One nearer 25 years older.

Theoldwoman · 04/10/2023 21:08

Is his name Tim? Is her name Sue?

Janieforever · 04/10/2023 21:13

I don’t really understand your relationship? You stopped being girlfriend boyfriend and now In a situationship, what is that and how can it be exclusive, if you aren’t in a relationship any more. Just something called a situationship then Why are you being all insecure and jealous. Are you sure it wasn’t him who toned it down?

Original poster

Redcliffe1 · 04/10/2023 21:45

Janieforever · 04/10/2023 21:13

So I was having a hard time in my personal life and wasn't sure if i really wanted to be in a relationship anymore. He asked if we could still be together and exclusive and we didn't need to call it a relationship. Anything can be exclusive- some people have an exclusive fwb.

OP posts:

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