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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my almost 3 yo is so mean?

61 replies

Badparentiam · 04/10/2023 18:57

My nearly 3 yo (next month) is so unkind and it really worries me. What’s prompted this post is I was just eating dinner on the sofa and he came and sat with me and started deliberately jerking my arm trying to get me to spill hot soup oh myself. He also kicks and pulls my hair. He can be very aggressive and pushy with other children and punch too although not a lot.

I know toddlers can just be like that but it worries me I don’t seem to have any control over him, usual strategies of moving away etc don’t seem to make any difference. Yesterday he was trying to hit his brother with a toy over and over and when I took the toy off him he genuinely didn’t seem to have a blue why. Can anyone advise? At my wits end.

OP posts:
TaIkingShite · 04/10/2023 19:02

Does he have consequences? Do you tell him off? Time out? Etc etc.

Original poster
Badparentiam · 04/10/2023 19:05

He just doesn’t care. If you tell him off he laughs, I have tried time out with him but he just comes back and repeats the behaviour and I don’t know if he understands or not.

Honestly I worry all the time it’s my crap parenting that’s made him how he is. But I’m not sure how to parent a kid who doesn’t care or doesn’t understand, or maybe both?

OP posts:
Hummingbird233 · 04/10/2023 19:05

Does he understand the consequences? Did you explain that the soup would burn you and it would hurt you and/or him?

Did he hit his brother with the car to hurt him or to annoy him?

As he's so little, I'm just wondering if he isn't fully aware of the consequences yet?

Does he get much positive attention from you? Do you spend any time focusing on him and meaningfully engaging with him? Could he be looking for more attention?

Is his other parent around?

TaIkingShite · 04/10/2023 19:09

And what happens when you put him in timeout and he just comes back? You let him come back? You try telling him no? Hard for us to know if it's parenting and being too soft with him, or if it's something more without kind of knowing how you handle these things.

When he was hitting his brother with a toy what was his consequence for that behaviour?

Original poster
Badparentiam · 04/10/2023 19:10

@Hummingbird233 it isn’t clear if he understood or not but I think so. I said please don’t pull my arm, this is very hot, it will burn. But it’s like he then wants to do it more.

I think he was trying to wake his brother up rather than ‘hurt’ but I don’t know. Sometimes he does try to hurt him but again I don’t know if it’s to hurt or just to get a reaction. It’s so hard to say.

Re attention again, it’s hard to say as perceptions can be different. All I can say is I do take him out loads, spend time with him, praising him, and he’s at his best then, but equally I do have another child and stuff to do (I know you weren’t saying otherwise) and his dad gives him loads of attention. But I do feel however much he gets he wants more - maybe that’s normal though?

OP posts:
Original poster
Badparentiam · 04/10/2023 19:11

The consequence was I took the toy off him but I don’t think he cared, he cared in the sense he couldn’t whip it near his brother any more but the actual loss of the toy was neither here nor there really. This is why it’s so difficult as there’s nothing you can do that makes him stop and rally think I don’t want that to happen again, I must not do that again!

OP posts:
Hummingbird233 · 04/10/2023 19:13

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. Kids need varying amounts of attention, some are self sufficient, others seek input much more regularly.

Keep the positive attention up and continue to set expectations and maintain boundaries (consequences for bad behaviour).

It doesn't sound like there's much else you can do. The chances are he will grow out of it over time.

Original poster
Badparentiam · 04/10/2023 19:14

Thanks, I hope so! Just keep stressing he’s going to be one of ‘those’ children others avoid at parks and aren’t invited to parties Sad

OP posts:
N4ish · 04/10/2023 19:19

My first thought is that he’s looking for more interaction and attention from you. But recognise that’s not easy with another child to look after.

BlueYonder57 · 04/10/2023 19:20

I understand that it feels awful, but honestly there's not a lot to worry about here. Up to about the age of 3, kids only understand what they want. They literally don't much care about anything else. From around 3 years they mostly still want to do whatever they want, but they begin to understand how to go about getting it - which isn't necessarily a good thing! It is around 5 before they really understand good from bad. Just continue to show what is good from bad, demonstrate consequences, and b-r-e-a-t-h-e every time... it's hard work raising children, and if you think 3 is hard work, just wait for 15!

Original poster
Badparentiam · 04/10/2023 19:59

Thanks I really appreciate your replies.

I am sure he could get more interaction from me, but he doesn’t always seem to seek it. If he’s playing at home and I try to talk to him about his game he ignores me! He will draw a bit with me, we read stories before bed. But tbh a lot of the day is here and there. We do spend lots of time out of the house mostly because he’s better that way it feels?

OP posts:
Flyhigher · 04/10/2023 20:33

Does he go to nursery?

Flyhigher · 04/10/2023 20:35

He needs more stimulation. 3 year olds are bright. He's bored. Needs other kids.

amispeakingintongues · 04/10/2023 20:50

He just sounds like a normal toddler trying to get your attention. Anytime i'm focussed on something else- especially if i'm eating my toddler will do anything to get my attention even if he knows it's naughty behaviour.

It's just normal. Keep explaining why he shouldn't do X, and reassure him that you will read him a book / sing a song / play with him once you're finished.

Lifeofasd1 · 04/10/2023 20:50

You surely know know your child well enough to know whether removal of a toy is going to be a serious enough consequence for what he did. Maybe look at your discipline methods. At three he may not know the severity of his actions and what a burn could do but he know it would spill and he know what hot is and he knows what pain is.
To me, that is bad enough behaviour that warrants suitable consequences. I don't think I would have been so polite in asking him like you did to stop.
Stern, firm tone of voice is needed, expressing your hurt and disappointment at his behaviour. Get him to tell his actions to his father or similar role model in your child's life, into pyjamas and zero tv, zero tablets, zero games untill bed time, zero tolerance
Taking a toy away seems a little non effective and he will just have forgotten the whole incident by teatime. It's the perfect age to teach him consequences but you need to be harsher.
Just remind yourself that you are doing this out of love so that he can grow up with friends and around people that like him because he will only push people away if you let this continue

Original poster
Badparentiam · 04/10/2023 21:05

Yes, he goes to nursery two days a week. On the other days I don’t see how he can be bored: we do lots of things.

@Lifeofasd1 see this is where I stress. He doesn’t have a tablet. He doesn’t watch TV. Stern firm tone of voice just makes him crack up laughing. I have nothing I can do that he cares about and that’s what worries me so much, that ultimately he will do what he wants unless physically stopped and that’s not always possible.

Thanks @amispeakingintongues

OP posts:
FarmGirl78 · 04/10/2023 21:28

Why isn't it always possible to physically stop him doing something?

BethTalk2thehandpodcast · 04/10/2023 21:32

I have two older kids, 14 and 11. Something that I was told when one was playing up when they were younger is that everything is a phase. Some phases are bad, some are good, but they are phases. Has there been any change in circumstance that may have triggered the behaviour?

Original poster
Badparentiam · 04/10/2023 21:37

@FarmGirl78 it depends what it is, where we are and so on. For example at the park a few weeks ago he was climbing up on some wire fencing and I couldn’t get him down. It was awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Badparentiam · 04/10/2023 21:39

His brother was born @BethTalk2thehandpodcast but I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t a tricky customer before. The being mean has been going on ages, I thought it was a phase but it’s been so long it’s feeling less like a phase and more like a personality trait tbh.

OP posts:
BethTalk2thehandpodcast · 04/10/2023 21:47

Badparentiam · 04/10/2023 21:39

His brother was born @BethTalk2thehandpodcast but I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t a tricky customer before. The being mean has been going on ages, I thought it was a phase but it’s been so long it’s feeling less like a phase and more like a personality trait tbh.

It’s not unusual for their behaviour to get worse after a sibling is born. We were warned about this in advance of the youngest being born so we spent a lot of time engaging with the eldest, making sure she felt included in the responsibility… you know, it’s the three of us together and we all have to help look after this little one. Have you tried buying a little treat for the 3 year old and saying it’s from the baby? There will naturally be so getting used to the fact that he had all of your attention and now he doesn’t have it all to himself. That is a significant change for him and it takes time to adjust. Most kids do horrible stuff at some points of their development, a lot of parents won’t tell you that theirs do, but there is always something. What you’ve described sounds more like the seeking of attention than anything more malicious. Try not to worry too much, even the behaviour before the baby suggests he is pushing boundaries to see how far he can go, which is completely normal x

always2tired · 04/10/2023 21:48

My youngest son was exactly the same he is getting a lot better now that he is 3.5 but he still has his off days that he goes back to his bad behaviour. I think it's his personality mixed with his age and he is extremely cleaver and needs constant attention that going to nursery for longer has helped so much.

Original poster
Badparentiam · 04/10/2023 21:51

Definitely I don’t think he’s being purposefully malicious but it’s still so hard, he has lovely qualities too but it’s upsetting when you feel your child wants to hurt you even though they don’t really?

OP posts:
Original poster
Badparentiam · 04/10/2023 21:51

Thank you @always2tired

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 04/10/2023 21:53

Erm we have 3 under 3 and not one acts anything like this. They know no they know it's a sit down for bad behaviour so we very rarely have to tell them off. In sure new issues will appear tho lol. It's not a case of trying you either put your foot down early on or don't bother then of course they will laugh and take the piss as your doing the same taking piss with half hearted telling offs.

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