To wonder why my almost 3 yo is so mean?

[Badparentiam]

My nearly 3 yo (next month) is so unkind and it really worries me. What’s prompted this post is I was just eating dinner on the sofa and he came and sat with me and started deliberately jerking my arm trying to get me to spill hot soup oh myself. He also kicks and pulls my hair. He can be very aggressive and pushy with other children and punch too although not a lot.

I know toddlers can just be like that but it worries me I don’t seem to have any control over him, usual strategies of moving away etc don’t seem to make any difference. Yesterday he was trying to hit his brother with a toy over and over and when I took the toy off him he genuinely didn’t seem to have a blue why. Can anyone advise? At my wits end.

Does he hit at nursery? Or just at home? If it's at both then it's not boredom. If it's just with you then it must be he wants you to himself. Maybe you always do things with other people.
Do you have a close friend he likes, just 1 and you like the mums company too. Maybe try that.

Or more time in nursery.

Toddlers need boundaries especially when it is dangerous behaviour. It is ok to say no and have rules. Can try naughty step or can try rewards, or both. So star chart for good behaviour and reward if over a certain number. Can also try pennies in jar, 1 for good things, 1 off if naughty. Do it for other siblings too. Just be careful with punishment as some may not work well eg no TV. Rewards will work better usually.

I do think he may be a bit delayed - he wouldn’t understand a star chart or sticker chart. Anyway thanks. (No I’m not afraid of him, I do want him to grow to be kind and responsible and it feels very one step forward and three back, hopefully it will fall into place soonish.)

Might be an idea to ask nursery for advice on what positive reinforcement they do, and which works with him.

When you say he wouldn't understand a star/reward chart, what elements would be struggle with ?

Does he understand the difference of praise and "punishment" ?

What does he like ?

there is nothing he would care about so much that its disappearance would make him stop lashing out. In fact, it would make him angry rather than remorseful.

He's allowed to be angry. That doesn't mean you stop issuing consequences.

He understands praise but immediate. He would not connect a sticker today with a present tomorrow for example. Punishment I’m not sure he understands really. @margotrose no I’m not saying that it does. What I am saying though is he hits it he’s angry. He is punished by taking a toy away, that makes him more angry so he hits even more. So then what do you do? That’s a rhetorical question by the way. There probably aren’t any easy answers here. I should add he isn’t like this all or even most of the time but it’s definitely a character trait and it does trouble me sometimes.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. Try not to worry too much yet. I had similar thoughts to you because between the ages of 18 months-nearly 3, my toddler was really quite feral. She was a sweet baby and is now a sweet 3 and a half year old (although she has her moments!) but the terrible 2s hit us hard. Sounds like you're in the same stage. Like your son, she didn't really seem to understand consequences for ages but gradually it started to sink in. Just be consistent. I found that if we got into too much of a battle of wills, it was helpful to just walk away. When they get too worked up at this age they don't even remember the thing you're giving them a consequence for in the first place.

Thank you for understanding @Chocolatehobnobs2948 , that’s exactly what it is! He was a sweet baby too, hopefully he will be again. He can be lovely don’t get me wrong. But I hate aggressive behaviour and find it hard to deal with rationally.

Youve probably tried this already, but do you count things out and make the whole experience about saving up for the end goal - whether that’s a day out or a toy. My dd is 2 and she really wants a specific toy, so every time we say ‘oooh we’ll done, let’s see how many tokens we’ve got now, 10, so you need 10 more and then you get ‘specific toy’. You can stick a picture of it on the jar etc and make the first one something small where he only needs a small amount making it easier to connect.

If that doesn’t work can the sticker itself be the praise? So put on him rather than a chart? Or have a little pot of ‘rewards’ he can choose from, just tiny really cheap bits and bobs, like a few marbles, a couple of cheap toy cars from a charity shop etc.

Do you have any other concerns around behaviour other than him finding it tricky to share and mange emotions? I noticed earlier you mentioned climbing around on a fence or similar and you struggled to get him down. My DS did this sort of thing and has ADHD, but I had other concerns that became increasingly clear as he grew.

Also in a situation where he’s cross and hitting and then gets more cross, I’d be inclined to take him out of that situation if he won’t listen to gentle hands encouragement and doesn’t respond to removal of toy.

What work are you doing to help label options and show him different ways of responding safely to them? I don't think he needs more or even different consequences. He needs a tweak to your repertoire.