To wonder why my almost 3 yo is so mean?

[Badparentiam]

My nearly 3 yo (next month) is so unkind and it really worries me. What’s prompted this post is I was just eating dinner on the sofa and he came and sat with me and started deliberately jerking my arm trying to get me to spill hot soup oh myself. He also kicks and pulls my hair. He can be very aggressive and pushy with other children and punch too although not a lot.

I know toddlers can just be like that but it worries me I don’t seem to have any control over him, usual strategies of moving away etc don’t seem to make any difference. Yesterday he was trying to hit his brother with a toy over and over and when I took the toy off him he genuinely didn’t seem to have a blue why. Can anyone advise? At my wits end.

It does get better and it's nothing to do with your parenting some children are like this and have such strong personalities. I have raised all my children the same and he is the only one to act like this. He is also the most loving,wonderful cutest little boy when he wants to be. My husband jokes that if he was born first we wouldn't of had anymore.

Laughing at people with angry faces CAN be a sign that he doesn't interpret emotional expressions well. Get on twinkl and work on matching emotions cards. Also, if he is angry say "You are angry." And if he is calm say "You are calm." Toddlers need lots of help with emotional literacy. Then he will understand better when you or his brother are angry or sad or disappointed.

And ask nursery if they notice or have any recommendations. Most are in a better place to help if there is a chance things aren't normal.

I think he does understand I’m angry but finds it funny. @Ladyj84 really not being rude but what does “They know no they know it's a sit down for bad behaviour so we very rarely have to tell them off” mean? And I’m not sure how you have extrapolated that I am “taking piss with half hearted telling offs”? I’m here looking for advice and have been for months, nothing has made any difference and I’m disheartened and worried. I seem to be doing all the ‘right’ things and for that matter some of the wrong but nothing has any effect at al.

My DS was like this, he is now 5 and school think adhd. He is very impulsive and doesn’t seem to have the ability to think ahead to the end result of his actions, even if he or someone else will get hurt. He attention seeks all the time (class clown) and when he ‘loses it’ he is violent and loud.

I’m not saying this is your son, as he could just be being 3! Is he closer to 4 or 2? As this makes a massive difference at that stage. Does he got to preschool and how is he there? You need to choose a consequence and stick to it, if he knows you will give up on time out if he keeps walking back in laughing then of course he will do that.

He isn’t quite 3 yet, I have wondered about adhd but hard to tell at this age. No one’s given up on time out but it makes no difference to his behaviour. I have to admit I’m puzzled by this S this is the third time I’ve said this. His room has a baby gate as it is top of steep steps and when he went into a bed we were worried he could come out in the night and fall. So it I need to he does two minutes in there. He cries and gets upset but never changes his behaviour.

im sorry I missed he was still 2, it could well just be looking for attention then. Eg - mummy is eating so not talking to me. If I poke her arm she talks to me yay! At that age he wont care if it’s positive/negative attention, he just wants you. Especially if there is a small sibling around taking up your time.

Personally, at still 2 with a younger sibling I would put it down to attention seeking and insecurity, which is very common at this stage.
Keep disciplining bad behaviour, but don't take it personally.

My first thought was also he was trying to get your attention. At 2 any attention is good attention. I also wonder if he’s jealous of his brother and feels he gets the attention and that’s why he hits him. Is his brother younger?

I would imagine a 3 year old genuinely lacks the ability to judge whether they are being mean or not. Maybe don’t think of it that way?
As pp have said make sure he gets the message that it’s no ok to behave like this.

I'd take away something he likes every single time he hits someone, pushes someone, tries to make someone spill hot soup over others etc. If you don't stamp it out now when he's 3 he'll become the boy no one likes or wants to play with. I'd tell him no. Tell him why it's a no. Then tell him you are disappointed he is behaving badly and that means he will lose X for a set amount of time. If he wants X back he must behave for Z amount of time first. You need to be consistent and when issuing a punishment it must be done immediately it's no good trying to issue it 30 mins later.

DS went through a phase of hitting other children - mortifying, obviously. Could never do time out with him as he would not co-operate, and constantly returning him ended up feeling like he was getting a lot of attention for bad behaviour. If we were at toddler group, he'd get one warning, then if it happened again we left immediately. At home the only thing that ever had an impact was putting away whatever his favourite toy was, for a set amount of time.

The hitting phase did end, and that seemed to have little to do with anything we did. One day he just didn't do it anymore.

He doesn’t care if you take a toy away @caringcarer. it doesn’t make him stop and think of the consequences of his actions. It would make him angry and then more likely to hit, so not sure it works. I don’t think anything will. I worry alternately I’m too soft, too harsh.

It doesn't have to be a toy. I'd take everything he likes for a short period. It sounds like you are far too soft. You sound lovely like you are afraid of him, "it would make him angry". Remember he is just 3 years old and needs firm guidance from you, his parent. Just because it might make him angry, it certainly doesn't't mean he should avoid punishment. I'd take all his favourite toys for a short period possibly 30 mi Ute's and lock them away in a cupboard. I'd tell him why I had done it and how long he must be calm and behave to get them back. If you don't stamp down on it now, he will just get worse and worse as he gets older. Then, when he is seriously assaulting you and others, you will be asking where did I go wrong? How do you think you have been too harsh? What have you done that might be seen as harsh?

Maybe one day the penny dropped, if I hit X Mum will take my toys away or make us go home. You stood firm and got a good result. This is what OP needs to do for her son's sake. If he carries on he won't have any friends and no one will want to play with him or invite him to parties.

@caringcarer i don’t think you understand that there is nothing he would care about so much that its disappearance would make him stop lashing out. In fact, it would make him angry rather than remorseful. I have no desire to sound negative but repeatedly telling me to do something that is not effectIve and actually perpetuates the situation isn’t helpful tbh.

Does he have a positive reward system? My ds always responded much better to them. He’s older now (mid primary) but still responds well to a token system. We work on roughly 3 things at once, so some people might have ‘being kind and gentle’, ‘listening well’ and ‘going to bed well’ or whatever the issues are that you want to focus on. He sounds like a child who might do better focusing on the reward possible rather than the consequence. Tokens are given straight after a good event, meaning you praise them at the time and look for that opportunity more. It’s useful for children with ADHD, but also works well with toddlers/young children as they get an instant reward as well as a longer one after saving up however many tokens.

I think try to step back and think what hasn’t worked and find some alternative methods. It sounds like you’re concerned, but try to reframe it a bit. I found it helpful to really break down my dc’s behaviour and work out what was triggering the responses. My ds doesn’t cope well with changes of plan and gets fixated on certain things happening in a certain way (not always a great social help). My dd wants to do everything herself and finds loud noises dysregulating. Those are just snippets, but knowing that helps me act in the right way when their behaviour takes a turn.

You seem afraid of your 3 year old and making him angry. Have you tried telling him his behaviour is making you angry? So you don't punish him in case he might get angry. No wonder you have a problem with his behaviour. Why would he bother to improve his behaviour if nothing ever happens in case he might get angry?

My tip is to praise any good or even just plain ordinary behaviour! So if he's playing with a toy and leaving his brother alone.. "Oh wow, you're playing so nicely, we're all having such a lovely day, well done, maybe we could go to the park later as a treat". If he is sitting quietly listening to a story, praise him. I found this tactic to really work.

Positive rewards. Star chart etc for small manageable things.

Plus, one thing that often helps is eating every single meal together as a family at the table. So that food time, and then play time are really clearly separate. Then he knows that you can't play or interact because it is meal time

You haven't said what you do when you tell him off, put him in time out and he just comes back.

FWIW we used to say

1. No Thankyou, That Hurts.
2. Stop It, I've Told You No. Once more and you'll be in time out.
3. Straight to time out. Put her back over and over until she did her time. Of course she was angry. We stuck it out and she grew out of it.

So, what do you do when your DC comes back before his time out? (I'm assuming you time out for an appropriate amount of time for his age)

Like a previous poster said, he is allowed to be angry about being punished.

Your job isnt to never make him angry.

I'd be angry if I was stopped from doing something I wanted to do.

It's ok for him to be angry about being corrected.

But he still needs to be corrected.

Just because your children are perfectly behaved now doesn't mean they'll always be.
My neice was a perfect golden child. But the teenage years hit and she started growing a canibis farm in her bedroom amongst other things.

It's normal for children to go through stages of defiance and pushing boundaries. Which is what OPs child is doing.
Your time will come

2/3 year olds don’t respond well to “time outs”, they don’t understand that the action has led to that consequence. You’re better off reinforcing positive behaviour. Our son is around the same age, just slightly younger, and the childminder introduced the phrase “kind hands”, when he started pushing and hitting other children just after he turned 2. We demonstrate “kind hands”, saying the words when we stroked the dog for example. He picked up very quickly that it meant being gentle with others. Whenever he is a bit too boisterous or is too rough with a child or us we remind him we like kind hands and most of the time now he changes his behaviour. When he does this we tell him we are proud of him for using kind hands. It sounds a bit hippy dippy and more passive than I thought I’d be as a parent but after seeing it work at the childminders, we reinforced it at home and it’s really helped him, and us!

Good advice upthread and sounds like you’re doing a lot of the right things.

fwiw mine could be vicious at nearly 3 too. Ignore the ‘mine would never do that’ smugs! Bright 2 year olds are tough. Everyone knows that. He’s testing you. You’re doing great.

I'd pick one consistent discipline. Time out is a good one as can be done anywhere. I'd pick your battles and lower expectations (for now) as if you are constantly telling him off there's little incentive to behave but things like hurting others , snatching etc, I'd give a warning, then if does it again do the time out. Everytime. Try to pre empt/ distract where you can. Try to have a fairly consistent routine at home with lots of opportunity to burn energy. Lots of attention and praise. Good diet,regular meals times and a good bed time routine.

Any concerns speak to nursery senco or hv.