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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp going to a party Aibu?

86 replies

Jeena573 · 04/10/2023 14:03

A little backstory into our relationship and why I feel how I do.

we have been together for 8 years. We have children together and got together fairly young (early 20s). We didn’t have much life experience when we got together, I was quiet and had a couple friends from college but never went out, he didn’t have any ‘real’ friends and preferred to be by himself/wasn’t sociable. We were each others best friend.
we then had children and I became a sahm for many years due to childcare and he was working.

We rarely ever spent time together over the years since having dc. This past year has been the most, he took me on a lovely date for my birthday and we do days out with the kids occasionally but never 1-on-1 time for me and him and even when we do sit to watch tv together he is constantly on his phone.

he has told me today that his colleague has invited him to his birthday party next week and that he WILL be going. Apparently he has to dress smart in a suite etc. I remember him going to this colleagues birthday 2 years ago at a nightclub and he didn’t tell me he went (I found out through social media). All the colleagues had gone and they had all brought +1s etc so he could have taken me along but didn’t.

this has REALLY bothered me and I got upset. He has every right to go to a friends party. The issue is the fact he was NEVER sociable before and that’s the basis our relationship was formed on and now suddenly he can go to things like this? There were times he went to work Xmas do’s and didn’t tell me too. Meanwhile I am at home by myself everyday with the kids.

he works 7 days a week so the only time we get to spend with him is usually a Friday evening when he doesn’t do a late shift and we take the kids to swim or do some shopping or watch tv together. He doesn’t attempt to take me out, arrange for someone to watch the dc and for us to do something together. He only did that on my birthday and that’s it. He works so much and will not waste time or lose out on money so will work as much as possible.

so I am even more annoyed that he can just decide that he’ll go to someone’s birthday next week but wouldn’t take an evening off (or plan to do something with me in his evening off) but can do that for someone else. He’s also excited about going, which is fair enough, but where is the excitement to do anything with me? Why can he be sociable for others and not for me?

i think what makes it harder for me is how lonely I feel all the time. I don’t have any friends myself and just look after the kids. He has never offered in 6 years to watch the dc for 1 hour so I could go do something for myself, even though he can go to the barber whenever he wants, shops whenever he wants, work as many hours as he likes, go to a friends birthday party etc. I can’t do anything!

I want to be in a relationship where we can have friends over, be sociable, go on dates/go to meet with friends etc etc but he is not like that at all and the relationship basis has just matched that. So it does bother me that he can do those things when he wants.

he TOLD me he will be going, I can’t stop him etc. I told him I wouldn’t even try to stop him or tell him no, we are free to do as we please but why is it ok for him and not me? I should add that his work culture/colleagues are always cheating. He has formed this identity of like a ‘single man’ where they know he has a ‘baby mom’ but it’s like I am hidden. So the thought of him going to a party with lots of pretty young ladies is bothering me.

am I being unreasonable to feel this way? I want to add that he can do as he pleases! I am not saying he cannot go or I want to stop him, but I feel uncomfortable with the situation. I also feel maybe I am slightly envious? Not that I am interested in going to a party but the idea he can do as he wants etc and has friends

OP posts:
TaIkingShite · 04/10/2023 14:08

This is not a relationship at all. Can you look at childcare and get yourself back into work? I wouldnt be sitting at home saying I can't do anything while my partner does what he wants.

AsWrittenBy · 04/10/2023 14:11

Why are you with him?

Seriously - why?

Get a job - get ready to leave

zilchnadazero · 04/10/2023 14:15

Organise a babysitter and go with him?

anon0007 · 04/10/2023 14:16

Tell him he can go but needs to sort childcare because you're going out and take yourself out for something to eat or to the cinema. Leave before he goes out.

anon0007 · 04/10/2023 14:16

I would say leave but you're not likely to do that.

Scarlettpixie · 04/10/2023 14:20

It doesn’t sound like he is going out much from your post. A birthday party every couple of years, a Christmas do? I think the issue here is thst you aren’t going out at all. If he works 7 days a week it doesn’t leave any time for family or for him to mind the kids. Have you told him how you feel? What happens if you want a haircut, to meet a friend without the kids? Who had the kids while you went out on your birthday? Could they do that more often?

This doesn’t soind like much of a relationship. You need to tell him how you feel and make some changes, if he won’t then do you have a future with him? How old are the kids? Could you look for a job? If you worked, would he feel he could work less? Does he do it because you need the money? Just some things to think about.

EaudeJavel · 04/10/2023 14:24

why is it ok for him and not me?

It's not. You need to start building your own life.
If your children are little, you start meeting other parents via clubs, groups etc.
You look for "mum and baby/toddler" activities to meet other people.

If your children are at school, the school hours are YOUR time to do a hobby, meet people that way.

You also need to start looking for a job. What would you like to do? Do you need to study / qualifications to get what you want? Even with young kids, you can find enough hours to study.

It won't be an instant fix, but life does not have to be this way.

beAsensible1 · 04/10/2023 14:25
  1. Get a job.
  2. use job to springboard to making your own friends and life outside of children.
  3. build confidence and Leave.

that’s it OP this all so ridiculous, why isn’t he contributing to home life and child rearing. Stop allowing yourself to be stepped on and build your own life that doesn’t rely on him.

he is giving your relationship dregs stop putting up with it.

LumiB · 04/10/2023 14:50

Well no point waiting for him to make changes, why can't you get childcare booked and go do your own thing. I appreciate you want to spend time with him but if he working almost 7 days a week and maybe one evening you get with him, there are still other days you can do something for yourself.

I also second getting a job now that will help you make friends and you'll have your own work do's to go on

LumiB · 04/10/2023 14:50

You can only change what you can control so focus on that

Hufflepods · 04/10/2023 14:58

The issue is the fact he was NEVER sociable before and that’s the basis our relationship was formed on and now suddenly he can go to things like this?

I wouldn't say 2 birthday parties years apart is really suddenly going to loads of things.

He has never offered in 6 years to watch the dc for 1 hour so I could go do something for myself, even though he can go to the barber whenever he wants, shops whenever he wants, work as many hours as he likes, go to a friends birthday party etc. I can’t do anything!

Why are you waiting on him to offer?
It sounds like you don't do anything and then it is his fault. If you want to get your hair done, go to the shop, see a friend then arrange it with him so he looks after the kids. The same as the reverse.

You keep saying he doesn't plan anything, he doesn't arrange childcare, he doesn't take you out but you are an autonomous adult and i'm not seeing where you plan these things either?

Fupoffyagrasshole · 04/10/2023 15:23

but it doesn't sound like you ever plan anything with friends or say you are going out either? why are you sitting around waiting for him to offer

my husband and i used to do everything together pre kids now we do loads separately because of childcare! what can you do

do you have any hobbies / interests / friends you want to see - why not arrange something and start going out and having a life.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/10/2023 15:43

Ex did this

Was obviously fucking someone else

Say you're going with him, bet he gets MAD 😡

Janieforever · 04/10/2023 15:47

Not aligned with some of these answers. Like why are you with him. Ffs.

op, it’s a once a year go out thing. If you want to go out, then tell him, like he did you and he can care for his kids. It’s not like he’s saying you cannot is it? I don’t feel he needs to take you. I don’t wish to take my husband to work dos.

you need to start to build a life. Make friends, do things. Not just stay home and wait for him to take you out or for him to offer to care for his kids.

Janieforever · 04/10/2023 15:48

LaurieFairyCake · 04/10/2023 15:43

Ex did this

Was obviously fucking someone else

Say you're going with him, bet he gets MAD 😡

I very much doubt she’s married to your ex, or once a year he shags someone at a birthday party. Not every thing is about cheating

I’d be mad if my husband said he was coming with me and I can assure you I’m not cheating.

Janieforever · 04/10/2023 15:50

beAsensible1 · 04/10/2023 14:25

  1. Get a job.
  2. use job to springboard to making your own friends and life outside of children.
  3. build confidence and Leave.

that’s it OP this all so ridiculous, why isn’t he contributing to home life and child rearing. Stop allowing yourself to be stepped on and build your own life that doesn’t rely on him.

he is giving your relationship dregs stop putting up with it.

Seriously? Like literally? Where is she asking for him to care for the kids and do stuff. The man’s working 7 days a week to pay the bills and goes out once a year. And your answer is divorce?

😂

saffronsoup · 04/10/2023 15:56

beAsensible1 · 04/10/2023 14:25

  1. Get a job.
  2. use job to springboard to making your own friends and life outside of children.
  3. build confidence and Leave.

that’s it OP this all so ridiculous, why isn’t he contributing to home life and child rearing. Stop allowing yourself to be stepped on and build your own life that doesn’t rely on him.

he is giving your relationship dregs stop putting up with it.

Why isn’t she contributing to the financial responsibilities? Why does he have to work 7 days a week?

She chose to have children but contributed nothing towards her own or her children’s housing or food or clothes or activities or anything. He works 7 days a week and you think childcare and domestic work is also his responsibility?

The fact he can’t even go out with friends without an argument and angry wife is ridiculous.

Personally I think OP should make a lot of different choices but if she chooses to to not work outside the home and not socialize, that is on her.

justteanbiscuits · 04/10/2023 16:02

Second time in two years and a christmas do? It doesn't sound like he is socialising all the time. Maybe say you would like to go with him and arrange childcare? He might have presumed you wouldn't want to go.

felisha54 · 04/10/2023 16:05

I wouldn't call going out once or twice a year sociable. He's entitled to go out, as are you. Don't rely on someone else for your happiness, do it yourself.
Do you suggest getting a babysitter and going out? Perhaps he thinks you don't want to as you don't make an effort?

myjohnnywasasaint · 04/10/2023 16:08

I don't think the party is the issue. Him going out twice in 2 years is very little.

I think you need to make some friends and create a social life for yourself, and tell him that he'll need to babysit when you go out.

HauntedStencil · 04/10/2023 16:10

Why are you so passive OP? You keep saying that why has he not offered to look after the children so you can go out. And you are sad that he has he not taken you out himself etc.

Why on earth are you not telling him you are going out and initiating it yourself??I think you need to start being proactive and stop expecting everything to happen for you. Take charge of your life. Either go to work or take up a hobby or anything to get you out of the house.

In itself, I don’t think he has done anything too bad. The pair of you sound quite insular and it is good that at least one of you is going out. It feels so claustrophobic. You seem to resent the fact he wants to go out and is looking forward to it. That is not healthy.

Take charge of your life now.

Just4ThisThread · 04/10/2023 16:17

You ask a lot of questions in your OP but it’s not very clear if you have asked him those questions.

What does he say when you ask him where is the excitement to do anything with you? Why can he be sociable for others and not for you? Why is it ok for him and not you?

MojoMoon · 04/10/2023 16:18

Are you married?

You say DP in the title so guessing not.

You've put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position financially.

Are you renting or have you got mortgage? If you are homeowner, are you on the deeds?
Are you paying into your own pension?

Yes, you should get as much free time as him.
But the bigger issue at play here is that you are extremely financially vulnerable and should take immediate steps to reduce this.

What did you work as pre-children?

Agree with a previous poster that you seem to be very passive in all of this and he seems to have all the power (probably because he has all the financial power)
Get yourself back into work asap.

2jacqi · 04/10/2023 16:19

a couple of things : who the hell has to work 7 days a week? what kind of employer is allowed to treat employees like ?

Say to him that you have to go shopping for your new outfit to wear! just organised paying for a babysitter

TheGoddessFreyja · 04/10/2023 16:39

Unfortunately I think you are being unreasonable. A couple times of socialising a year is nothing.

Sounds like your dp is working very hard - 7 days working sounds really extreme and this isn't helping your relationship. Why don't you get yourself a part time job if possible for you to be able to socialise yourself, get yourself a bit of money so you are not so dependant on your dp?

The 7 day working a week is ridiculous, he needs to find a different job as this isn't how a relationship should be, barely seeing eachother.

Hope all goes well. Let him enjoy himself but also try and get a babysitter so you can both have some time together throughout the year xx

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