Dp going to a party Aibu?

[Jeena573]

A little backstory into our relationship and why I feel how I do.

we have been together for 8 years. We have children together and got together fairly young (early 20s). We didn’t have much life experience when we got together, I was quiet and had a couple friends from college but never went out, he didn’t have any ‘real’ friends and preferred to be by himself/wasn’t sociable. We were each others best friend.
we then had children and I became a sahm for many years due to childcare and he was working.

We rarely ever spent time together over the years since having dc. This past year has been the most, he took me on a lovely date for my birthday and we do days out with the kids occasionally but never 1-on-1 time for me and him and even when we do sit to watch tv together he is constantly on his phone.

he has told me today that his colleague has invited him to his birthday party next week and that he WILL be going. Apparently he has to dress smart in a suite etc. I remember him going to this colleagues birthday 2 years ago at a nightclub and he didn’t tell me he went (I found out through social media). All the colleagues had gone and they had all brought +1s etc so he could have taken me along but didn’t.

this has REALLY bothered me and I got upset. He has every right to go to a friends party. The issue is the fact he was NEVER sociable before and that’s the basis our relationship was formed on and now suddenly he can go to things like this? There were times he went to work Xmas do’s and didn’t tell me too. Meanwhile I am at home by myself everyday with the kids.

he works 7 days a week so the only time we get to spend with him is usually a Friday evening when he doesn’t do a late shift and we take the kids to swim or do some shopping or watch tv together. He doesn’t attempt to take me out, arrange for someone to watch the dc and for us to do something together. He only did that on my birthday and that’s it. He works so much and will not waste time or lose out on money so will work as much as possible.

so I am even more annoyed that he can just decide that he’ll go to someone’s birthday next week but wouldn’t take an evening off (or plan to do something with me in his evening off) but can do that for someone else. He’s also excited about going, which is fair enough, but where is the excitement to do anything with me? Why can he be sociable for others and not for me?

i think what makes it harder for me is how lonely I feel all the time. I don’t have any friends myself and just look after the kids. He has never offered in 6 years to watch the dc for 1 hour so I could go do something for myself, even though he can go to the barber whenever he wants, shops whenever he wants, work as many hours as he likes, go to a friends birthday party etc. I can’t do anything!

I want to be in a relationship where we can have friends over, be sociable, go on dates/go to meet with friends etc etc but he is not like that at all and the relationship basis has just matched that. So it does bother me that he can do those things when he wants.

he TOLD me he will be going, I can’t stop him etc. I told him I wouldn’t even try to stop him or tell him no, we are free to do as we please but why is it ok for him and not me? I should add that his work culture/colleagues are always cheating. He has formed this identity of like a ‘single man’ where they know he has a ‘baby mom’ but it’s like I am hidden. So the thought of him going to a party with lots of pretty young ladies is bothering me.

am I being unreasonable to feel this way? I want to add that he can do as he pleases! I am not saying he cannot go or I want to stop him, but I feel uncomfortable with the situation. I also feel maybe I am slightly envious? Not that I am interested in going to a party but the idea he can do as he wants etc and has friends

anyone with their own business for a start

Someone who takes on multiple shifts to cover for SAH partner

Someone who is very hungry to climb the career ladder and works hard

It's not that uncommon. It's not ideal with young kids.

I would not be upset about him going to a party now and then. What I would be furious about is his telling me there is "nothing I can do about it". Also, if I were known as "the baby mama" by his coworkers, I would lose my mind.

Both your lives sound miserable. He only goes out once a year, works 7 days a week, and you never go out at all and have no friends.

Agree with pp, you need to get out and find a job and a social life. Once you have stuff to do/friends to meet, just tell him you’re going out so he’ll need to watch the kids. Don’t ask, tell him. There’s so much more to life than this OP!

Gently you need to find your own friends and social life.

It sounds like he barely does anything besides work, and presumably your kids are in school now as you have been a sahm for a while.

Why can't you get a haircut or go shopping when the kids are in school? More importantly since he works non stop maybe it's time for you to go back to work as well? You got together young but what was your job before kids?

I think you are letting yourself down to be honest. You need to be proactive in your own happiness..

The op states specifically even when she met him she had a couple of friends but “never went out” . Im unsure what she is going on about having friends over etc as she does not have friends and when she did she didn’t even go out.

op you seem wholly reliant on him and want him to be the same with you. And you do object to him wanting to do anything sociable without you. Going out with colleagues once or twice a year is hardly him turning into mr sociable.

the fact he’s had to lie to you in the past and had to tell you he was going like he thought you’d try to stop him shows a real problem here.

you need to get yourself a life outwith your home and you need to not try to rely so heavy on your partner and try to limit his world to be as small as yours. Honestly. For your own sake.

YABU. You both need to build lives outside the home.

I think you need to be far more assertive here.

Have you asked him out one evening, planned something and booked a baby sitter? If not, why not?

Have you asked him/told him to look after the kids so you can go out?

You haven't said how old the kids are, but it sounds to me like you're being very dependent on him rather than making your own life too. Perhaps it would be a good time to get a job?

He might work all the time, but by the sounds of it he has a good work ethic to provide for you and the kids, which isn't a bad thing.

Have you asked if the two of you can go out for other dates? Or are you waiting for him to take the lead?

Him lying about going out reads that you don't want him to and want him to be reliant on you as you are on him

People change over time also, just because he was unsociable when you met doesn't mean he can't evolve

I was incredibly sociable when I met my dh as a teen 15 years ago but now I'm very introverted and only go out with friends once a month or so. I'd never stop him seeing his friends

She’s not gone out because she’s not got any friends. So she begrudges him his 1 night out a year because she doesn’t get one. She won’t get a job and contribute financially so he’s working 7 days a week, and he’s apparently not allowed 1 evening off a year. The op needs to get a life, preferably with a job and some friends. If this was the other way round her partner would be getting called a controlling prick

This is one of those threads where the op thinks she’s going to have everyone singing from her hymn sheet and wasn’t expecting everyone to go all Taylor swift and say it you, you’re the problem.

wonder if she will come back?

This. I can’t imagine the exhaustion and pressure he must be under, not only being the sole provider for his family but having his wife rely on him 💯 for her every single social and emotional need. The op didn’t have a social life before she met him, she doesn’t have one now despite him working his bollocks off and her kids being in school, and now she’s trying to take the little he has away.

This sounds like a really unhealthy relationship. You sound controlling and jealous. He sounds disconnected from family life. Neither are ok.
you can’t be annoyed he’s gone on 2 nights out in a year (!!) because he wasn’t sociable when you first met? You’ve said you don’t even want to go anyway? Are you like this is other areas of your life together? Wonder if that’s why he’s not invited you.
If it was a man posting this I reckon the responses would be very different .

You need to get a job OP. Unless your DCs are babies/toddlers then there’s no excuse.
Itll take some pressure off your DP and maybe build your confidence too.

why is it ok for him and not me?

So what happens then if you tell him that you're going out when he is home? Will he 'not allow' it? Run away so you have no babysitter?

The man’s working 7 days a week to pay the bills and goes out once a year. And your answer is divorce?

I don't get that either. OP, get a babysitter once in a while and go out yourself.

Is this a case of you not communicating anything with your husband? Or is it that you have talked to him but he's not interested?

Do you think he likes the way you are op? Do you think he’d prefer a partner who went out every day? Had friends? Socialised and actually left the house for hobbies, or dare I say it, a job? You’ve made the decision to live a miserable life sitting in your house every day. I can kind of see why you’re upset, he doesn’t want you to go out with him. The thing is is he’s sat with you every night, like pp said he’s there providing for your every single need, he needs a break from you and his drudgery of a life. I can just imagine when you do actually go out with him, he has to sit right next to you and give you all his attention, barely paying any attention to his friends you give him the luxury of seeing once a year. Except no, you’re trying to put a stop to that too.

There's so much going on here. You're annoyed he's going out yet you said you'd quite like to do that occasionally too. It's quite normal for people to go out alone without their partner. It's not normal though to sneak off and lie about it.
Are you annoyed he doesn't want to take you? Could you arrange childcare? Are you annoyed you don't do much as a couple at all? Why dies he have to initiate it. Couldn't you eg suggest a film you'd like to see at the cinema.
Or are you just angry at yourself for ending up with no life beyond the kids? I think that's the real issue. I have no idea what he does for a living but I'm thinking a service industry type job, so not well paid and unsociable shifts. I'm guessing you're not wealthy if he's working all those hours. Why not start training. Many people in your position do Acess course and go on to careers health and social care. There are a ton of government funded courses to get into coding too...plus 101 other ideas.
Think about what you want and how you can feel self satisfied as an individual.
I hate to spell this out but I'm sure it's crossed your mind that he could be leading a double life. I hope not but if you're self sufficient you'll be fine.

Why did he lie to you about the previous party when partners were also invited and do you think he is lying again?

Hi op, have you ever asked him to look after the children so you can do something for yourself and if so what did he say? Do you have any family support around you or would you have the means to hire a nanny to allow you some time to yourself? How old are your children now? I think you mentioned one is 6? Are they both at school/ nursery age in which case can you do things during the day? Can you enrol the kids in any clubs to give you free time like beavers etc? How would he react if you said you wanted one set night every week to have time to yourself?

I get where you're coming from OP, I am not very sociable either, but it's not the 1950s, you don't have to wait for your husband to take you on a night out. If you can the best thing you can possibly do for yourself is get a job. You'll be out the house, might be able to go to work dos, get some childcare sorted, have money for yourself. Don't wait for him to facilitate the things you enjoy because it sounds like he is more than happy for you to stay home looking after the kids while he goes out every once in a while.

Can you go back to work? He may then not have to work 7 days a week to support the family financially. It would also help you be more sociable and make friends.

I can see this several ways - Is DH working so
much because he feels financial responsibility and pressure? In which case, as PP have said, why not reassure him that you can earn some
money so he can work a little less?
Are you relying on him too much for company? In which case a job would help and you could maybe take up something in a group to
make friends - perhaps something related to something you have done in the past; A sport? Book club? Choir? Charity work? - practically any charity shop can use someone who can do a few hours a week!
I think it’s unlikely he’s cheating if he’s only going out once or twice a year - surely if he had an OW he would be finding excuses to see her as much as possible.
If you want friends my DM had a saying “(S)he who would have friends must show him/herself friendly”. It may not be easy at first if you’re not the most outgoing of people but try making that first step - if your DC are in school or childcare isn’t there another Mum or two you could invite for coffee or their DC for a play date?
On the other hand, if you don’t feel able to communicate and reach a compromise with your DP, you could tell him he can do what likes (as he says) but he can’t do what he likes AND keep you!

He doesn’t pay anything, or contribute financially. He pays 1 bill, the rest is me :) technically I am working, it’s a work from home role so it’s not like I leave the home or can make colleague friends.

i have no issue with him going out (as stated above) my issue is that he can do as he pleases and I can’t, whilst not making effort for me.

asking would not get my anywhere, he has refused to watch the dc even when I have had work before. He also would not be happy for me to go out with friends to a party and if I did he would be very apprehensive about it all!

I should also note that his work culture and colleagues constantly cheat, the majority are married and he constantly tells me all the gossip of them cheating. He also refers to me as ‘baby mom’ to them all and wouldn’t take me along with him as I am practically kept hidden..

please don’t assume i am an angry wife living off my husband that is working 24/7 to support me. It’s his choice to work all of those hours.

It’s your choice to keep around a man who works 7 days but doesn’t contribute financially.

A night out is the least of your problems.