A little backstory into our relationship and why I feel how I do.
we have been together for 8 years. We have children together and got together fairly young (early 20s). We didn’t have much life experience when we got together, I was quiet and had a couple friends from college but never went out, he didn’t have any ‘real’ friends and preferred to be by himself/wasn’t sociable. We were each others best friend.
we then had children and I became a sahm for many years due to childcare and he was working.
We rarely ever spent time together over the years since having dc. This past year has been the most, he took me on a lovely date for my birthday and we do days out with the kids occasionally but never 1-on-1 time for me and him and even when we do sit to watch tv together he is constantly on his phone.
he has told me today that his colleague has invited him to his birthday party next week and that he WILL be going. Apparently he has to dress smart in a suite etc. I remember him going to this colleagues birthday 2 years ago at a nightclub and he didn’t tell me he went (I found out through social media). All the colleagues had gone and they had all brought +1s etc so he could have taken me along but didn’t.
this has REALLY bothered me and I got upset. He has every right to go to a friends party. The issue is the fact he was NEVER sociable before and that’s the basis our relationship was formed on and now suddenly he can go to things like this? There were times he went to work Xmas do’s and didn’t tell me too. Meanwhile I am at home by myself everyday with the kids.
he works 7 days a week so the only time we get to spend with him is usually a Friday evening when he doesn’t do a late shift and we take the kids to swim or do some shopping or watch tv together. He doesn’t attempt to take me out, arrange for someone to watch the dc and for us to do something together. He only did that on my birthday and that’s it. He works so much and will not waste time or lose out on money so will work as much as possible.
so I am even more annoyed that he can just decide that he’ll go to someone’s birthday next week but wouldn’t take an evening off (or plan to do something with me in his evening off) but can do that for someone else. He’s also excited about going, which is fair enough, but where is the excitement to do anything with me? Why can he be sociable for others and not for me?
i think what makes it harder for me is how lonely I feel all the time. I don’t have any friends myself and just look after the kids. He has never offered in 6 years to watch the dc for 1 hour so I could go do something for myself, even though he can go to the barber whenever he wants, shops whenever he wants, work as many hours as he likes, go to a friends birthday party etc. I can’t do anything!
I want to be in a relationship where we can have friends over, be sociable, go on dates/go to meet with friends etc etc but he is not like that at all and the relationship basis has just matched that. So it does bother me that he can do those things when he wants.
he TOLD me he will be going, I can’t stop him etc. I told him I wouldn’t even try to stop him or tell him no, we are free to do as we please but why is it ok for him and not me? I should add that his work culture/colleagues are always cheating. He has formed this identity of like a ‘single man’ where they know he has a ‘baby mom’ but it’s like I am hidden. So the thought of him going to a party with lots of pretty young ladies is bothering me.
am I being unreasonable to feel this way? I want to add that he can do as he pleases! I am not saying he cannot go or I want to stop him, but I feel uncomfortable with the situation. I also feel maybe I am slightly envious? Not that I am interested in going to a party but the idea he can do as he wants etc and has friends