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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When kids and partners clash

61 replies

honeybun24 · 04/10/2023 10:05

I have a ds12 from previous relationship and have been with current dh for 7 years (so since ds was about 5). We also have a toddler together.

Dh is helpful with ds (happy to do lifts, cook meals, pay for family holidays, all the usual stuff) but also maintains a respectable distance when needed as ds dad very much involved.

The thing is as ds has gotten older him and dh seem to argue more. It often starts with dh winding him up in a good natured way but sometimes taking it too far which then leads to ds telling him to shut up or being otherwise rude. This rudeness and attitude has escalated since ds started secondary school and we've even had some swearing from him.

I know ds behaviour is unacceptable but I also get frustrated with dh because he does wind him up and seemingly doesn't know when to stop, then when ds loses his rag he's very quick to come down hard on him and demand respect. I am frequently caught in the middle of them and acting as mediator which is draining.

I can only see this getting worse as ds gets older and hits the teenage years. It's very sad as they do love each other but they just clash. We had a big row last night and when ds was in bed I laid it on the line with dh and said if they can't get along and it gets too much we will end up having to live separately. Bit dramatic perhaps.

I have spoken to ds about his attitude and language, his reply "he just gets me so angry". Overall he is a sensible, trustworthy, kind and respectful lad who I've never really had to discipline because he's never been a problem. How do I navigate this? I just want them to get on.

OP posts:
Original poster
honeybun24 · 04/10/2023 11:07

Bump

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 04/10/2023 11:10

So your husband is bullying your son. It reads like a power trip to me. I think your instinct to tell him to pack it in or get out was a good one.

Obviously, shouting and swearing is not great. But he's a pre-teen, he doesn't know how to manage feelings of anger and frustration. Your husband, on the other hand, should know better than to bait a child.

SapphOhNo · 04/10/2023 11:10

Your DH is an adult, your child is not.

DH needs to be mindful to wind him up as that won't preserve any good relationship with your DS. Obviously you have to deal with DS if his response is disproportionate to the situation but if DH being antagonistic (however light hearted) is the trigger. He needs to stop.

Octavia64 · 04/10/2023 11:14

Teenagers do tend to hit a point where they argue a lot more with their parents.

Once they hit that point I found a more successful style of parenting was to let them make mistakes and then if they wanted to talk to me about them I was always available to talk.

It does sound like your dh maybe hasn't adjusted to the fact the where previously your son was ok with gentle ribbing or winding up, he isn't any more. It's obviously bothering him.

The best thing is if your dh can step back and put a bit of distance in, although persuading him to do that might be tricky.

Arguing with teenagers is utterly pointless and just leads to upset and drama.

Tinkerbyebye · 04/10/2023 11:15

You tell your husband to grow up and stop winding your son up

this is firmly laid at his door. If he wants respect from your son, then he needs to respect your son as well

stop the winding up and start treating him as someone moving towards adulthood

AuntieStella · 04/10/2023 11:17

You need to tell your DH, every time and often (ie before it even becomes a "time") to wind his neck in as he's going too far.

If he doesn't modify, then you have a problem (with DH) because it would seem he cannot see that provoking people is wrong. It's not funny, it's not banter, it doesn't achieve anything. It is seriously poor (step)parenting.

And as you say, the teenage years will be unbearable and possibly damaging to your DS if he gets this sort of crap from DH as a frequent display of what adults can do.

Furryrug · 04/10/2023 11:20

It's not difficult, your husband is at fault. Someone who constantly 'teased' me would also get the sharp edge of my tongue.

Original poster
honeybun24 · 04/10/2023 12:19

He isn't constantly teased and certainly isn't bullied. Dh has done a lot for ds over the years. He forged a relationship with him around being mates/having banter because he didn't want to overstep the mark in the early days. And to be honest I don't think he really knew how to be having had no dc himself or spent any time around them.

This dynamic has clearly escalated and it's probably now time to rein it back in. I have spoken to him about this and I've also had to tell ds to curb his own attitude and rudeness.

The sad thing is if it did get to the point where we had to separate ds would be gutted. This man has been in his life since he was 5, it's not some random new boyfriend. I would lose a good husband and our shared dc would have all the upheaval too. I am seriously hoping it never comes to that and between them they can learn to show each other mutual respect.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 04/10/2023 12:33

Can you give an example?

ManateeFair · 04/10/2023 12:38

The thing is as ds has gotten older him and dh seem to argue more. It often starts with dh winding him up in a good natured way but sometimes taking it too far which then leads to ds telling him to shut up or being otherwise rude. This rudeness and attitude has escalated since ds started secondary school and we've even had some swearing from him

Your son is at an age where he will naturally get more moody and stroppy and will challenge authority. It's annoying and of course he shouldn't be rude or aggressive, and that should be made clear to him - but this is totally standard for a kid of secondary school age.

However - your DH is deliberately winding up your son, apparently repeatedly. The first time he 'went too far' and your DS snapped should have been the last time it ever happened because DH is clearly hitting a nerve. He is literally baiting your son until your son loses his temper. If someone kept winding me up in the full knowledge that I hated it, I'd lose my bloody temper with them too.

He doesn't need to wind your son up so he should just stop. If your son was shouting at your DH over your DH asking him to pass the salt at the dinner table or something, that would be different, but your DH is doing something completely unnecessary in the full knowledge that your son hates it. I don't care how many lifts your DH gives to your son or how many meals he cooks - that doesn't negate the fact that winding up a kid (especially a kid who is clearly at difficult age) is shitty behaviour.

Ffsnotaconference · 04/10/2023 12:38

Your ds is a child and still learning how you regulate emotions.

Your Dh knows exactly what he is doing. He knows that when he winds ds up what the outcome will be. He knows it makes ds angry and upset.

He is purposely upsetting a child. It is bullying. Wether you choose to accept it, doesn’t change what it is

and your dh enjoys it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/10/2023 12:40

Why does an adult feel the need to wind a child up? Banter? Oh, please.

he needs to grow up and treat your son with respect. Maybe he’ll get some back, then.

Ffsnotaconference · 04/10/2023 12:41

The sad thing is if it did get to the point where we had to separate ds would be gutted. This man has been in his life since he was 5, it's not some random new boyfriend. I would lose a good husband and our shared dc would have all the upheaval too.

and yet your husband Simple’s can’t help behaving in the way that he does.

rookiemere · 04/10/2023 12:43

You need to sit down calmly with your DH and tell him to stop winding up DS. He may think it's funny and DS needs to toughen up, but teens are notoriously thin skinned and prone to angry outbursts due to being unable to control all their new hormones and emotions.

Be very specific about the behaviour you don't want to see.

Also you don't get to be neutral Switzerland in this. You created this dynamic so you need to stand up for your DS. Teens are horrible creatures but they need to know they are always loved.

Original poster
honeybun24 · 04/10/2023 13:03

rookiemere · 04/10/2023 12:43

You need to sit down calmly with your DH and tell him to stop winding up DS. He may think it's funny and DS needs to toughen up, but teens are notoriously thin skinned and prone to angry outbursts due to being unable to control all their new hormones and emotions.

Be very specific about the behaviour you don't want to see.

Also you don't get to be neutral Switzerland in this. You created this dynamic so you need to stand up for your DS. Teens are horrible creatures but they need to know they are always loved.

I created the dynamic? How? By being with dh? Would you say the same if he were ds bio dad? Because I'm sure biological parents argue with their kids too.

I do think dh needs to stop winding up ds up and also demanding respect and perfect behaviour. It's not realistic. And he probably doesn't have the name level of empathy and protectiveness over ds as I do. I would always take my kids side, always.

However it isn't bullying. Bullying is cruel and callous, and targeted. Dh gets it wrong sometimes and he needs to stop. I don't think it's deliberate at all though. What would be the benefit of it?

OP posts:
rantinglunatic · 04/10/2023 13:04

you need to get rid of your partner unfortunately

Original poster
honeybun24 · 04/10/2023 13:11

rantinglunatic · 04/10/2023 13:04

you need to get rid of your partner unfortunately

Excellent idea. All families should break up when there are occasional rows. Genius.

OP posts:
Original poster
honeybun24 · 04/10/2023 13:13

RedHelenB · 04/10/2023 12:33

Can you give an example?

An example...

So me and ds are debating something. I make a point that proves he's wrong (not in a nasty way, just factual). Dh interjects with something like "oh your mums owned you there mate".

Cue ds telling dh to shut up. Angry probably at the fact he's been proven wrong but directing it at dh.

Clearly an unnecessary comment from dh but hardly bullying.

OP posts:
Ffsnotaconference · 04/10/2023 13:15

honeybun24 · 04/10/2023 13:03

I created the dynamic? How? By being with dh? Would you say the same if he were ds bio dad? Because I'm sure biological parents argue with their kids too.

I do think dh needs to stop winding up ds up and also demanding respect and perfect behaviour. It's not realistic. And he probably doesn't have the name level of empathy and protectiveness over ds as I do. I would always take my kids side, always.

However it isn't bullying. Bullying is cruel and callous, and targeted. Dh gets it wrong sometimes and he needs to stop. I don't think it's deliberate at all though. What would be the benefit of it?

Show quote history

Your dh behaviour is cruel and callous and targeted.

ScarlettSunset · 04/10/2023 13:16

Your DH is winding your son up and provoking the outbursts. I don't see how that can not be deliberate.
I agree with the others, that is bullying and your DS shouldn't be e subjected to that in his own home where he should feel safe and secure. Even if is was 'fun banter' before, it clearly isn't now and that should be the end of it.
If your DH doesn't stop that would suggest he doesn't respect your son or you.

rantinglunatic · 04/10/2023 13:16

honeybun24 · 04/10/2023 13:11

Excellent idea. All families should break up when there are occasional rows. Genius.

Show quote history

yep sorry I got my threads mixed up there!! ignore!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/10/2023 13:16

It's only 'banter' and 'teasing' if both parties find it funny. If your partner is constantly 'joking' with your son when he has made clear that he doesn't like it to the point where he eventually snaps. Then it is bullying. You asked what the point would be - the same with any bullying, to feel good about himself, to show who is in charge etc

Beezknees · 04/10/2023 13:28

Tell your dh to stop winding him up.

My stepdad did this to me. I ended up leaving home when I was 17 because it got too much and even now my relationship with my mum is strained. It needs nipping in the bud.

rookiemere · 04/10/2023 13:29

You're right @honeybun24 this could happen with an actual DF as well.

But you just need to tell your DH to back off and have less of the bantz. In the example you gave, there was zero need for him to interject and I can imagine most teens - in fact actually most adults as well - reacting badly to it. DS got it wrong, you pointed it out, he hardly needs a Greek chorus to remind him of his shortcomings at every point.

Furryrug · 04/10/2023 13:38

honeybun24 · 04/10/2023 13:13

An example...

So me and ds are debating something. I make a point that proves he's wrong (not in a nasty way, just factual). Dh interjects with something like "oh your mums owned you there mate".

Cue ds telling dh to shut up. Angry probably at the fact he's been proven wrong but directing it at dh.

Clearly an unnecessary comment from dh but hardly bullying.

Show quote history

Maybe not bullying but definitely jeering, which isn't nice.

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