When kids and partners clash

[honeybun24]

I have a ds12 from previous relationship and have been with current dh for 7 years (so since ds was about 5). We also have a toddler together.

Dh is helpful with ds (happy to do lifts, cook meals, pay for family holidays, all the usual stuff) but also maintains a respectable distance when needed as ds dad very much involved.

The thing is as ds has gotten older him and dh seem to argue more. It often starts with dh winding him up in a good natured way but sometimes taking it too far which then leads to ds telling him to shut up or being otherwise rude. This rudeness and attitude has escalated since ds started secondary school and we've even had some swearing from him.

I know ds behaviour is unacceptable but I also get frustrated with dh because he does wind him up and seemingly doesn't know when to stop, then when ds loses his rag he's very quick to come down hard on him and demand respect. I am frequently caught in the middle of them and acting as mediator which is draining.

I can only see this getting worse as ds gets older and hits the teenage years. It's very sad as they do love each other but they just clash. We had a big row last night and when ds was in bed I laid it on the line with dh and said if they can't get along and it gets too much we will end up having to live separately. Bit dramatic perhaps.

I have spoken to ds about his attitude and language, his reply "he just gets me so angry". Overall he is a sensible, trustworthy, kind and respectful lad who I've never really had to discipline because he's never been a problem. How do I navigate this? I just want them to get on.

It's not good natured and just banter when your son isn't enjoying it.

Tell your husband to stop. If he doesn't, he's a twat.

I'm sure your partner would be as easy going and understanding if you were doing this to his kid.
He enjoys winding him up because of the outcome. He's jealous of your son. Simple as that. He enjoys getting him into trouble.

The problem is clearly your partner's behaviour, and that's what you need to change.

If you have already asked him to stop with the unpleasant comments, you will have to be really on the ball and pull him up every single time he does it. "I've asked you not to tease ds" or "Please stop speaking to ds like that". Do it in front of your ds, so he knows you have his back.

Unless your partner speaks like that to you and to people like his boss at work, then he can control it, and feels his entitled to make fun of your ds, which is a pretty mean trait.

Does your partner need a recap on the sort of teaching I do with primary school children - something isn't a joke unless everyone involved is finding it funny. It one person is laughing at the expense of another, that isn't a joke.

I imagine your ds is reacting as he does because he's a child trying to manage an adult's bad behaviour.

Another one that doesn't like what they're hearing from many posters. 🙄

It's your relationship with your child, no one here is that invested. Don't fuck it up. Your husband needs to stop. It's not him being clumsy, he's persistently doing something that upsets your son and choosing to not learn from it.

This is gaslighting tormenting your son then playing the victim.

@honeybun24 Your son could feel powerless? your DH IS NOT his father, please do not underestimate that impact, despite the length of their relationship.

ONLY you, his very own Mum, is his most trusted advocate, not YOUR husband.

Your husband is an adult! Your child needs your support, he is a child.

Step up @honeybun24 your child is THE most important in this dynamic

DH wants to treat him as a mate, but doesn't like it when 'his mate' exert himself so DH will finally stfu. Unless your DH gets it wrong with other men, then he is in part liking the power he has. All the blokey jokey banter needs to stop. It's important that young male teens communicate with the adult men around them. Rather than teaching your DS to be proven wrong with good grace, he goes on the piss take. He needs to think what it is he is trying to achieve.

dh has done a lot for ds

That really doesn't mean that your DH, the adult, can purposely wind the child up. Stop excusing his actions.

Your partner's banter is increasing due to your son entering manhood and your partner wanting to assert himself as the dominant member of the household. It may be unconcious but that is what is happening. It is essentially a form of communcation designed to look innocuous but carrying another message that is a bit more insidious! Doesn't make your partner a twat but humans are also essentially animals. Anyway I expect to get shot down for this, but I stand by it.

Sorry that should have said dominant male (as in gorillas in the jungle..)

Essentially your husband is being aggressive and your son is rightfully standing up for himself and being aggressive back. So if you don't like bad language from your son I would tell your partner to shut the fuck up asap and it will probably decrease.