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AIBU?

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Original poster

Advice re primary teacher words

68 replies

Yellowcakestand · 03/10/2023 23:31

Sorry all, wasn't sure where to put this but wanted others opinions.

DS8 doesn't talk to me about much ar school but this evening he told me that a teacher doesn't like him. DS finds handwriting very difficult and needs lots of continued encouragement to keep to task (feel sorry for his teacher).

Anyway, today his teacher was sick. Another teacher took the class for English. DS was writing with a short pencil which he said was easier for him and said he was trying his "very best". Teacher took the pencil out of his hand and replaced with a long pencil and said in front of the class "no wonder your handwriting isn't neat, writing with that".
Doesn't seem much but enough to DE that he wanted to tell me and that it made him cry in the class but he tried not to.

WWYD? Send an email to school or leave it? I don't want him to disengage completely with English as he has come so far to actually tolerate sitting and attempting to write anything at all! Do I just say can they inform that teacher that a lot of work and effort from other teachers has been put in to get him where he is now? This teacher is deputy head and takes the class for maths so does seen them fairly regularly (but DS enjoys maths). It's been a tough road, this subject...It makes me sad that he feels dejected now.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 03/10/2023 23:33

No I wouldn't have a word about this.
I understand your son was upset but I can't see that the teacher actually did anything horrible to report and I don't think she could have foreseen him getting upset from this.

Original poster
Yellowcakestand · 03/10/2023 23:37

Thank you.
I didn't mean report the teacher for upsetting DS, just to inform teacher that DS struggles massively with this subject, even just staying in the room is a big thing.

OP posts:
Woollymonster · 03/10/2023 23:39

Has your DS been assessed for his handwriting difficulties? An OT may be helpful if he finds fine motor tasks hard.

NewIdeasToday · 03/10/2023 23:52

I agree with @Woollymonster
Can you ask for your son to be assessed?
My kid was allowed to use a laptop after being assessed as dyspraxic. And it really revolutionised their school work and enjoyment of school.

32quietlyshocked · 03/10/2023 23:53

A teacher regularly teaching your child shouldn't be making comments like that about something they are known to struggle with. If school or you at home have done all the standard handwriting interventions and he is still really struggling I would get him assessed by an EP to see if there is an underlying issue like dyspraxia.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 03/10/2023 23:53

We used to teach with small pencils, chalks, crayons because you can't hold it wrong, ie in a fist grip rather than a pincer grip so giving a large pencil isn't going to help.
The problem is that a teacher standing in, even if from the school and not supply teacher, won't probably know that this is an issue for him.
Do you drop him off? If its the same teacher I'd possibly speak just to make them aware things something he struggles with. or if there's a TA in the class maybe just mention it, I'd always have wanted yo know if a child was so upset in my class.

32quietlyshocked · 03/10/2023 23:55

Georgeandzippyzoo · 03/10/2023 23:53

We used to teach with small pencils, chalks, crayons because you can't hold it wrong, ie in a fist grip rather than a pincer grip so giving a large pencil isn't going to help.
The problem is that a teacher standing in, even if from the school and not supply teacher, won't probably know that this is an issue for him.
Do you drop him off? If its the same teacher I'd possibly speak just to make them aware things something he struggles with. or if there's a TA in the class maybe just mention it, I'd always have wanted yo know if a child was so upset in my class.

I would agree, however it says in the OP that this teacher does teach him regularly and it isn't just random cover.

NowItsSpring · 04/10/2023 00:28

I would mention it as your DS told you he was upset by it.
I don't know if it would help, but Yoro pencils and pens were recommended for my DS who struggled with pencil grip and writing (he too used to go for short stubby pencils). They really helped with his grip and writing although it still took him longer than most children. In senior school he was offered word processing lessons and access to a laptop - he was also able a laptop for his exams achieving good grades.

AlltheFs · 04/10/2023 00:35

Shit teachers can ruin a childs education very easily. There’s no need for any teacher to speak to a young child like that. I’d be asking for a meeting to talk about the handwriting and their strategies to support it and I would point out how bloody unhelpful they are being upsetting him like that.
A good teacher would care that they have caused upset. If they switch a child off a subject like that the damage can be enormous through school.

Deputy Heads are generally dickheads though, it seems to be a requirement of promotion to lack emotional intelligence.

Lavender14 · 04/10/2023 00:39

The teacher could maybe have been more tactful but I think blaming the pencil rather than your ds isn't awful... but your ds is clearly sensitive to and not confident in this area so he's felt embarrassed and it's understandably stung.

I'd be pushing to get your son assessed for dyslexia/adhd/dysbraxia or other similar so you can see why he's finding that particular area so challenging and hopefully get him some strategies to manage it and help him feel more confident which is really the root of the issue.

Hankunamatata · 04/10/2023 01:10

Have the school put things in place like handwriting grips for pencil/pen, slanted writing board.
Def worth looking at dyspraxia and or dysgraphia.
If you want to address it I'd have a quiet word with his regular teacher that he got upset when they removed his stubby pencil.

Weirdly my left hand child has been given a fountain pen by englaish teacher in high school and his writing has improved so much

PandaExpress · 04/10/2023 01:15

That's really horrible, no wonder your DS is upset.
I would speak to the teacher directly and say how it really upset DS and you don't want his efforts to be knocked. A good teacher should understand that.

knickerbockergloria123 · 04/10/2023 01:28

My nephew was never a school lover but 20 plus years ago when he was in year 3 or 4 a teacher pulled him up for his hand writing and then took him and his book around other classes showing his work and telling the children that this was "absolutely not the right way to write" from there on any love he had for education was gone and it was hard to get him to put any effort into school life right to the end. I often wonder if teachers that do this sort of thing and in particular that teacher know how much damage they are doing. Had he been my son I would of wiped the floor and more with said teacher, my sister didn't and I have never understood why! Tell the teacher how she made your son feel make a complaint don't let this go. What a horrible thing to do to a child!

WaitingfortheTardis · 04/10/2023 01:52

It sounds like the teacher was just saying the pencil wasn't suitable and that he would find it easier with a proper one which she provided. Not something I would be contacting the school about.

Ggttl · 04/10/2023 05:02

Stop focusing on the insensitive teacher (teachers will come and go in your child’s life and you won’t even remember many of their names) and focus on how to help your son feel better about his writing as that will be more useful to him.

electriclight · 04/10/2023 05:40

To me, it sounds as if the teacher was trying to be kind - saying that the pencil was the main factor in why his writing wasn't neat.

I mean, he must know that his writing isn't neat. Surely teachers are allowed to point this out, or do they have to tell everyone they're doing brilliantly all the time. She wasn't saying it was because he wasn't trying hard, or because he was holding it incorrectly, or that there was something wrong with him - it was because of the rubbish tiny pencil.

If it was my child I'd think - the teacher was there to see with her own eyes that the small pencil was actually a problem for him, she replaced it rather than continuing to watch him struggle, she was helping. I'd be working on letter formation at home too.

jumperoozles · 04/10/2023 06:22

Sounds like the teacher was clumsily trying to say the pencil he had wasn’t a good one. I do say to my class in general you can’t write and have nice handwriting with a blunt pencil and swap them if they are writing with a bad one? Could they just have meant that? I think if it’s a one off clumsy comment I wouldn’t get too irate about it.

AitkenDrum1970 · 04/10/2023 07:18

Primary deputy head/class teacher here. I understand that no one likes their child to be upset but honestly if people actually realised what it’s like in primary schools currently. We are absolutely up against the wall - TAs are being made redundant, so no help for children like your son who need a bit of extra support, I have all my teaching duties plus deputy head duties but not released from class for this as there’s no money and no one to do it anyway! So I do my day in class, mark books, prep for the next day, that’s about 5pm most days. I collect my own child, do all the mum things before then doing my deputy head work until bedtime.
I’m not saying this is different from other jobs, but please just cut a bit of slack for a quick comment that they in all honestly thought would help your child!!!!

Jifmicroliquid · 04/10/2023 07:25

I remember standing in a line waiting to be dismissed at the end of the day. I was in year 4.
The teacher was talking to a student teacher quite openly infront of us all. There were two kids with my name. The teacher told the student teacher that it was easy to remember which was which because I (she pointed to me) was the ‘scruffy one’ and the other one wrote neatly.

A throwaway comment but I’ve never forgotten it. I didn’t tell my mum, but I remember feeling quite sad that I was considered scruffy because of my writing.

FWIW I now have lovely hand writing!

picturethispatsy · 04/10/2023 07:32

cant believe the people excusing this comment from a supposed professional to a child. Yes schools are underfunded and teachers are squeezed to within an inch of their lives but it doesn’t take away from the fact that this made a child cry.

sadly this is indicative of the fact that the whole system is shitty for all involved 😞

OP @Yellowcakestand i think you’ve every right to make it known to the school how upset your son was though I don’t hold out any hope of you getting support from the school for it. You can also use this as a starting point to try to help him a bit more at home with his fine motor skills (google how). It’s really common for boys of his age to still struggle with handwriting (I’m an ex primary teacher) but they’re often made to feel that they’re the problem 😞

picturethispatsy · 04/10/2023 07:34

Jifmicroliquid · 04/10/2023 07:25

I remember standing in a line waiting to be dismissed at the end of the day. I was in year 4.
The teacher was talking to a student teacher quite openly infront of us all. There were two kids with my name. The teacher told the student teacher that it was easy to remember which was which because I (she pointed to me) was the ‘scruffy one’ and the other one wrote neatly.

A throwaway comment but I’ve never forgotten it. I didn’t tell my mum, but I remember feeling quite sad that I was considered scruffy because of my writing.

FWIW I now have lovely hand writing!

Sadly that’s indicative of how adultist the whole system is.
And clearly it’s not changed much!

SpringIntoChaos · 04/10/2023 07:38

AlltheFs · 04/10/2023 00:35

Shit teachers can ruin a childs education very easily. There’s no need for any teacher to speak to a young child like that. I’d be asking for a meeting to talk about the handwriting and their strategies to support it and I would point out how bloody unhelpful they are being upsetting him like that.
A good teacher would care that they have caused upset. If they switch a child off a subject like that the damage can be enormous through school.

Deputy Heads are generally dickheads though, it seems to be a requirement of promotion to lack emotional intelligence.

Wow 😮 you really don't like teachers do you? 😨

FrenchFancie · 04/10/2023 07:44

It depends on the size of the pencil we’re talking about. I’ve taken pencils from children because they have deliberately sharpened them down to a few cm of stub and they couldn’t hold them properly - I don’t know why they do this but 🤷‍♀️. They get given a new one.

if it was just a bit short, but still sticking above the top of the hand, I leave them alone. Some chose shorter pencil because there’s less weight and it’s easier to handle. Without seeing the pencil in question it’s hard to know!

however, it’s important that children aren’t reprimanded in public - because it’s embarrassing. I would have just said ‘let’s swap that over to a longer one that’s easier to use’. It’s only if they had resisted and got stroppy I might have said more, but would have tried to do it quietly.

it’s hard in a busy classroom with 30 kids you don’t know well. Some kids you can joke with, some kids you can’t and if the deputy head teaches across all classes they may have forgotten who is who. You can mention it to the teacher if you want. If you have concerns regarding your sons handwriting you can also ask for handwriting support and assessment.

sashh · 04/10/2023 09:40

I'd just tell your son that most people write better with a long pencil but he doesn't. Just like most people use their right had but some people use their left.

TizerorFizz · 04/10/2023 09:53

The deputy head posting earlier would have curled up and died in my primary school. We had 40 in the class and no TA. They didn’t exist. It’s actually, in this case, a good thing that the teacher did notice! It’s how they go about changing the pencil that matters! Also Dc do have to be a bit more robust.