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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Project from hell at work- AIBU to resign?

132 replies

FishyTree · 03/10/2023 22:29

I have ended up being put on a horrendous project at work. It is actually being run by a related but different team (that I very deliberately did not apply to work in because of the working style and culture entailed in that area of work) so I have no idea why I’ve ended up on it.

It is awful- I’m being expected to complete tasks I’ve never done before with no instructions on ridiculous turn around times. I got an email at 8pm this evening asking why I hadn’t completed a task I hadn’t been asked to do and have just spent the evening working on it.

I am not sleeping or eating properly because of the stress of this project. I enjoy the rest of my role (the one I actually applied to do) but I can’t continue like this.

AIBU to resign?

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 05/10/2023 10:05

Any update

enchantedsquirrelwood · 05/10/2023 10:14

FishyTree · 03/10/2023 22:48

@NotSuchASmugMarried

A work account. I have been told by the project manager that I am expected to check my work email in the evenings in case something urgent comes in on this project.

Ah well unfortunately your phone will run out of battery each evening.

You need to put some markers down about what you will and won't do. Checking emails at 8pm isn't acceptable and nothing is that urgent if it's not about saving lives.

Rewis · 05/10/2023 10:14

I dont think you need a reason to resign. If you're not feeling it and can afford to be unemployed or it's very easy for you to find another job. Quit. You don't have to try to fix it if you don't want to. Mostof us can't afford to quit and therefore do try to talk to the manager and the look for a new job and suffer in-between.

Viviennemary · 05/10/2023 10:41

Daffidale · 03/10/2023 22:41

Before you resign at least have a go at getting taken off the project

Raise the issues with your line manager. Tell them you deliberately didn’t apply for a role on the other team because of these culture issues.

I agree completely. Don't resign until you have made your feelings known. And how likely is it that you will have to work with those people again on a different project. They sound awful.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 05/10/2023 10:44

Don't resign!! Push back each time. Reply in email, cc'ing your manager, etc., saying that you had not been asked to carry out X task and saying that you will do it the next day.

If you have had no training in how to do something, say this and ask for training/ask to shadow another team member as they do the task, so you will know how to for next time.

Certainly don't spend your evenings working on ridiculous tasks you have not been asked to do!

I'd seek an urgent meeting with your manager laying out all the problems with this project and ask if you can be let go from it.

EmmaEmerald · 05/10/2023 10:45

FishyTree · 03/10/2023 22:43

I should say there is an expectation in my sector that you will work late when required (although certainly not to the extent expected of me in this project).

Another bugbear is that the people employed at my level in the team the project is for are paid around double what I am for the added stress and lack of work-life balance.

Not sure
the whole point of having fuck off money is you can tell them to fuck off

so if you can afford to resign, that's one option. You might want to wind them up by taking other approaches.

I'd certainly down tools till the correct pay is on the table. Maybe, just maybe, after that, there's a conversation to be had.

FerretFarago · 05/10/2023 10:53

If the project manager can’t assign tasks properly and in a timely manner (and not out of hours), then thats their lookout and not yours.

drspouse · 05/10/2023 11:07

If the stress is causing you physical health problems then YWNBU to ask the GP for a fit note and have some time off sick.
I had this when I was in a similar position. The GP asked if I wanted to put work-related stress or just "stress" and suggested that work really needed to know it was work-related.

Fightyouforthatpie · 05/10/2023 11:14

FishyTree · 03/10/2023 22:48

@NotSuchASmugMarried

A work account. I have been told by the project manager that I am expected to check my work email in the evenings in case something urgent comes in on this project.

Fuck that

Octavia64 · 05/10/2023 11:19

Yanbu to resign.

Failing projects are often like this - multiple people step away from it, puts pressure on those who are left, they start dragging in manpower from wherever they can get it.

If your manager can protect you and get you off the project then great, otherwise resign. It's very unlikely to get better.

CrazyHamsterLady · 05/10/2023 11:28

YABU to resign and you were silly to work to 8pm to do your work. Will you be charging them for overtime? I would never agree to that without charging overtime. I would ask for a meeting with your team leader to discuss why you‘ve been put on the project. Outline your skills and the issues you’re currently having. State the things you can offer and the things you can’t. Maybe this isn’t the place for you long term but don’t resign immediately.

DirectionToPerfection · 05/10/2023 11:34

If the OP can afford to then I don't see what the problem is with resigning if she's unhappy.

As a PP said, that's the point of a fuck off fund.

Blanketpolicy · 05/10/2023 11:39

Push it back to the PM. It is their job to manage resources and issues.

If you are not paid/contracted to work ridiculous hours just don't do it or it becomes an expectation. Just because others do it doesn't mean you have to. Make it clear to the PM you are not available outside of hours and it is up to them to manage the issues around your availability.

If it means you are impacted for progression then it is your decision if you do it or find another company with a better culture.

Lemondrizzleandacuppa · 05/10/2023 11:56

I would resign because life is too short to make yourself ill through stress. You will need to tell them why you’re resigning but, because they’re such a bad employer they won’t care.

The only other alternative is to toughen up, refuse to work in the evenings and ask many annoying questions about every single part of the task you’ve been set throughout the day (strategic incompetence). They will get fed up with you and realise that someone else who actually understands the work needs to complete the project. It doesn’t sound like you’re feeling strong enough to do this.

AliceOlive · 05/10/2023 12:03

TheFlis · 03/10/2023 23:08

Don’t resign, set boundaries.

  • Don’t read their emails out of hours
  • Don’t complete tasks you have not been asked to do (and if they say you have, ask them to resend the relevant request as it has clearly “got lost in the email system”, a pattern will soon emerge)
  • If you are asked, within working hours, to do a task you don’t understand or are not experienced in, respond pointing this out but saying you are of course happy to assist but will require training in that specific area first and can they let you know when that will happen.

This and hold firm.

Is it your line manager saying you need to read and reply to emails at night? I would be very clear that you have obligations outside of work and will not always be available to complete work that was not previously scheduled. Addressing a truly urgent issue after hours is one thing, being expected to take on new tasks that someone forgot to request is not acceptable.

I have seen many people put under stress by others while ignoring their own manager’s more reasonable expectations and advice.

You also need to address that you are being underpaid based on expectations.

AliceOlive · 05/10/2023 12:05

Blanketpolicy · 05/10/2023 11:39

Push it back to the PM. It is their job to manage resources and issues.

If you are not paid/contracted to work ridiculous hours just don't do it or it becomes an expectation. Just because others do it doesn't mean you have to. Make it clear to the PM you are not available outside of hours and it is up to them to manage the issues around your availability.

If it means you are impacted for progression then it is your decision if you do it or find another company with a better culture.

This, too. Some PMs use being unreasonable as a tactic. Especially if they don’t know what is reasonable in the first place. You don’t have to bow to them, just be professional and do your best.

Please don’t let them burn you out and run you off. I’ve lost too many amazing colleagues this way.

SawX · 05/10/2023 12:07

so I have no idea why I’ve ended up on it.

Because you're passive and compliant and they know you will take shit that more confident employees wouldn't entertain. Look for some assertiveness courses and start standing up for yourself!

Soopermum1 · 05/10/2023 12:11

OP I'm a project manager. Hold your boundaries as others have described. Tell the PM. If the PM is professional they will raise this (in a non emotive way) as a resource issue. It will then go back to the project sponsor who will have to sort it out, either bring in more training, more resourcing, adjust budget, timescale or quality. Be clear to the PM about what you need to fulfill the brief, is it more time? Training? Extra people? Less detailed work?

Nanny0gg · 05/10/2023 12:19

FishyTree · 03/10/2023 22:48

@NotSuchASmugMarried

A work account. I have been told by the project manager that I am expected to check my work email in the evenings in case something urgent comes in on this project.

But why didn't you point out you hadn't been given the task and someone else needs to address it?

daisychain01 · 05/10/2023 13:17

Mikimoto · 05/10/2023 07:20

I guess it depends where you see yourself "going" in this job.
The people who do the late-night difficult tasks tend to be the ones who get the promotions later.

A very dangerous generalisation to make.

the ones who stay late get exploited, like the OP, crash and burn and eventually realise when they are at crisis point, that they cannot continue and the sacrifice is never worth the compromise to their health.

Another bugbear is that the people employed at my level in the team the project is for are paid around double what I am for the added stress and lack of work-life balance.

Case in point right there OP.
@FishyTree you are being taken for a ride.

  • you shouldn't be picking up emails at 8pm in your personal time
  • you should have been given initial support and training prior to joining the team
  • if others on the team doing comparable roles are being paid double, there will come a point in time when this could be discriminatory, if said staff are men and you are a woman.
  • when you say you don't even know why you are on the team was there no prior Comms or meeting with your manager to explain your role, the matching skills they believe you have that can contribute to the project? Just shoving you into a project team with no prior warning is shabby.

In summary, the work conditions and culture sound appalling - you need to decide if it's worth you raising it informally at first with a list of things that have been going wrong for you, or whether it's a busted flush because they'll never change and you're "not wanted on voyage" so they don't care how you're treated or what you think or feel.

Livingtothefull · 05/10/2023 13:33

Shuzzazall · 05/10/2023 06:14

Ok - first BREATHE. It’s ok, you aren’t sleeping and eating because your nervous system is firing off ‘panic - it’s not safe’ messages at you and so it’s hard
to think straight and it all feels much worse than it actually is which is why quitting(literally your ‘flight’ part of ‘fight or flight’) feels the best answer right now. It’s not.

First step is to regulate yourself. Look up breath work, go for a brisk walk, do 20 min of exercise to just deal with all the cortisol in your system. It going to be ok, really!

THEN

in fast paced projects, clarity on role and responsibilities, tasks and deadlines are critical - things should not be getting lobbed at you last minute and chaotically. This is not you not coping, this is poor management of a project and you trying to being responsive. The answer is NOT to do that but ask questions, put in boundaries.

Speak to your line manager urgently

  • outline your specifics skills and capabilities and say where you can help and very clearly where you cant
  • give examples of the demands of the project and the demands that are unrealistic and unfair, explain that you are not able to meet the demands for XYZ reasons
  • give the examples of other great work you have done elsewhere that demonstrate your strengths and capabilities and just say they are not a match for this particular project or environment
  • explain that the stress is really impacting your mental health and that you need support please.

see how this conversation goes and get some specific phrases to use to push back, create clarity, and turn down.
an example might be:
’this email is the first time I have heard of this task, I will make it a priority first thing but we also need understand why this is only just reaching me now, look forward to discussing in the morning’

hope this helps - do ignore all the people shaming and eye rolling up thread - it’s not helpful and very unhelpful when you are utterly overwhelmed. You’ve got this, just get regulated first!

This is top advice, agree with all of this. Hopefully a constructive discussion with your manager will improve the situation for you.

But if not, another option you could consider is raising a formal grievance. Not that I would ever advocate doing this lightly - it can be a very stressful process especially if a workplace is unsupportive. But if the alternative is the stress of resigning and trying to find a new job, would you have anything to lose?

JFDIYOLO · 05/10/2023 14:28

Do not resign! Woman up and gird up.

Assess the tasks you are being asked to do.

Flag up the training you'll need to acquire those skills.

Meeting with line manager.
Meeting with HR.
Meeting with union rep.

Get a clear statement on your contract on your work hours, terms, conditions.

No out of hours working - you might be at the theatre, cinema, restaurant, travelling, with your family, having sex ...

And surely they can't require you to work unpaid anyway.

TorroFerney · 05/10/2023 15:41

I always remember a colleague saying they won’t remember or care that you worked additional hours when they are making people redundant. It’s true.

Sparklybutold · 05/10/2023 15:54

My DH found himself in a similar situation. The work environment became to toxic for him and it deeply impacted his health. He is currently on sick leave from this job. In that time he has engaged in therapy, going to the gym and has recently been accepted for a new job paying 50% more doing exactly what he should havbeen doing in his old job.