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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend telling me to “stop bringing things up”

59 replies

bigbeechtree · 03/10/2023 20:55

we had a blazing row this morning.

He suffers from untreated sleep apnea and is currently awaiting a sleep study. His snoring has got worse over the last few nights and I’ve barely slept

He asked me this morning if I’d slept and I hesitated and then said no. He asked me if it was due to my snoring, so I said yes.
I then played him a video of him making a new clicking sound, and then told him he’s stopping breathing in the night for ages.

He had a go at me, saying I’m “making him feel really low” and there’s no need. I just need to answer his questions about how I slept and that’s it. He said he knows he snores and “someone continuously bringing it up” is “unnecessary”.
I told him I only told him about the new things and videoed him because I’m worried about him. I said fine, I won’t bring things up anymore. He then had a go at me for dealing with things immaturely and said he didn’t want to be around me, and stormed off.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lamelie · 03/10/2023 20:56

How long have you been with him?
Any joint assets/ kids?
You don’t have to stay.
He asked, you told him 💁🏻‍♀️

Original poster
bigbeechtree · 03/10/2023 20:57

He said I only simply needed to answer his questions. He said there was no need for me to play him a video and make him feel even worse about himself. Says there’s nothing we can do until the study so what’s the point. It only comes from a place of worry ☹️

OP posts:
Pottomous2 · 03/10/2023 20:59

Can you sleep separately ? Sometimes you just have to address the issue head on. You can’t sleep, you need sleep!

Original poster
bigbeechtree · 03/10/2023 20:59

It’s just the way he stormed off, saying I deal with things immaturely. I didn’t see why I needed to apologise for trying to help

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/10/2023 21:00

Stop second guessing yourself. He asked, you answered. f he didn't want the answer, h shouldn't have asked.

Do you often feel there is no right answer with him? If so LTB.

Original poster
bigbeechtree · 03/10/2023 21:00

He gets so so defensive

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 03/10/2023 21:01

did he know you were videoing him in his sleep?

momtoboys · 03/10/2023 21:02

bigbeechtree · 03/10/2023 20:57

He said I only simply needed to answer his questions. He said there was no need for me to play him a video and make him feel even worse about himself. Says there’s nothing we can do until the study so what’s the point. It only comes from a place of worry ☹️

I’m with him. In the opinion of this old woman, you were annoyed by his snoring and lack of sleep so you videoed him and showed it to him to make a point. He is awaiting a study. There is not much he can do about it before then.

AutumnFroglets · 03/10/2023 21:02

He asked you. That's not bringing it up.

You showed him the video as I assume he will need this information when he next speaks to the consultants.

However if your sleep is being impacted then it's time for separate bedrooms until his problem is reduced.

Smittenkitchen · 03/10/2023 21:03

He's reacting like that because you've struck a nerve but it isn't fair to speak to you like that. I hope you get to the bottom of it soon and get the appropriate treatment. You must be so worried.

Beenaboutabit · 03/10/2023 21:04

Sounds like he’s feeling very insecure about something he has no control over.

id be inclined to cut him a bit of slack unless he’s like this frequently with other things.

Gowlett · 03/10/2023 21:05

DH does this. Asks a question. Doesn’t like the answer.
It’s almost impossible to have a two-way conversation.

GrumpyPanda · 03/10/2023 21:05

Sleep deprivation is a firm of torture. I'd sleep on the living room floor if necessary if I were in your place.

CatamaranViper · 03/10/2023 21:06

My DH has a medical issue that has caused the most horrific snoring ever.
We agreed years ago to only ask questions we want honest answers for, so if he asks me if I've slept I'll be fair but true. But to be honest, we sleep separately half the week these days. The days we sleep together, one of us will probably end up going in the spare room. If we manage a whole night together, it's like "Woohoo! Go us!"

But, it's very frustrating. I have practically had to force DH to use the throat spray and he gets angry if he's always being kicked out of our room. He also didn't seek help for the underlying issue for AGES which is why it's as bad as it is now.

It's horrible because it's not you causing the lack of sleep but it's you who generally suffers. Then if he's taking his bad mood out on you as well it makes you feel worse. Then you start to dread bedtime and feel hurt that you have had to sleep apart and miss the intimacy of sleeping together...

At least there is light at the end of the tunnel...

Original poster
bigbeechtree · 03/10/2023 21:16

I’m honestly so upset

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 03/10/2023 21:17

He raised the question.
You answered by explaing the problem (video) which was taken because he has a legitimate reason for you to film him (for his upcoming appointment).
He didn't like the answer.
He didn't ask if you were coping with the lack of sleep. No sympathy for you whatsoever. Only self pity.

Arsehole.

Sleep in another room until he gets it sorted

Diddums about his low mood. He's torturing you - you are allowed to have some feelings on this and be honest about the extent to which it is affecting you.

Original poster
bigbeechtree · 03/10/2023 21:19

If I tell him it’s affecting me; he’ll say he “knows that already” and I “don’t need to keep telling him” ☹️

OP posts:
HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 21:19

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/10/2023 21:00

Stop second guessing yourself. He asked, you answered. f he didn't want the answer, h shouldn't have asked.

Do you often feel there is no right answer with him? If so LTB.

Answered and then showed him the video she’d taken without his permission while he was asleep…

DontGiveMeThatOldCrap · 03/10/2023 21:21

You're both sleep-deprived, and it's probably making him irritable and worried. Can't one of you sleep in a spare room/on the settee?

sprigatito · 03/10/2023 21:24

My DH also snores and keeps me awake, it's very trying, but he would NEVER speak to me with that kind of disrespect, in fact he is doing everything he can to address the problem because neither of us wants to end up sleeping separately. We've worked out that it's worse when he's had a drink, so he's stopped having the odd beer in the evening. If there's a particular reason why we'd want to have a drink, like a party, I wear earplugs that night so he doesn't need to worry.

The snoring isn't your main problem here, it's his shitty, selfish attitude.

Fourlegsandatail · 03/10/2023 21:31

I’m embarrassed to say I’m a snorer (female).

Did you take the video with his permission?

Did you ask him if he wanted to see the video you had taken that night?

I only ask because I feel very embarrassed about my snoring which I really can’t help and the thought of it being videoed and then having it played to me really upsets me. If my DH did that without my knowledge, permission or being prepared to watch it I would be annoyed too.

SapphOhNo · 03/10/2023 21:37

He's probably quite embarrassed. You had no right to record him.

TheBeesKnee · 03/10/2023 21:37

Hmmm he brought it up but I will bet that he's feeling sensitive because of it. Is he overweight? My snoring in pregnancy was horrendous because I was "obese" and I felt very emotional about it and guilty that I was disturbing my partner's sleep.

Depending on how long you've been together, how the rest of your relationship is, etc, you'll want to consider sleeping in separate rooms until it's sorted.

Testina · 03/10/2023 21:37

Sounds like he’s picking a fight.
Why would a bad snorer who knows his snoring affects you, ask how you slept?
I think he wanted you to be in the wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ggttl · 03/10/2023 21:39

videoing someone in his sleep is very intrusive unless you got his permission beforehand. I would hate to think someone might be videoing me in my sleep and wouldn’t react well to being shown the footage.