Boyfriend telling me to “stop bringing things up”

[bigbeechtree]

we had a blazing row this morning.

He suffers from untreated sleep apnea and is currently awaiting a sleep study. His snoring has got worse over the last few nights and I’ve barely slept

He asked me this morning if I’d slept and I hesitated and then said no. He asked me if it was due to my snoring, so I said yes.
I then played him a video of him making a new clicking sound, and then told him he’s stopping breathing in the night for ages.

He had a go at me, saying I’m “making him feel really low” and there’s no need. I just need to answer his questions about how I slept and that’s it. He said he knows he snores and “someone continuously bringing it up” is “unnecessary”.
I told him I only told him about the new things and videoed him because I’m worried about him. I said fine, I won’t bring things up anymore. He then had a go at me for dealing with things immaturely and said he didn’t want to be around me, and stormed off.

AIBU?

I would not be impressed if someone videoed me in my sleep without my permission.

My DH had untreated sleep apnea for years (diagnosed feb 2020 and COVID delayed the referral for 2 years!) DH would ask me about his snoring because I was struggling to sleep - yes the snoring was horrendous but it was more the fact that he was stopping breathing at numerous points in the night and that would keep me up because I was making sure he was still breathing. When he finally got the referral they told him he was stopping breathing up to 47 times an hour!

What I'm saying is basically your guys being a dick, he has a serious medical condition (DH was officially diagnosed aged 38 and told without the CPAP machine he wouldn't make it to 40 as his case was that severe, 2 years prior at the original appointment it was a mild case, so timely treatment really is important) and you are concerned, I would video DH if something different happened during the night so he knew to tell the doctor and was able to explain it. He really needs to go and get it dealt with, chase up the referral, and in the mean time if he's that sensitive he sleeps elsewhere so he doesn't disturb your sleep.

just putting it out there... sleep apnoea causes extreme tiredness and irritability. not excusing his behaviour but this could be an explanation.

I'm sorry I'm going to go against the grain @bigbeechtree

I have OSAD, and finally now have a CPAP machine to have it under control. The times when my DH recorded the noise of my snoring felt like some of the most humiliating discussions to get into when I already felt like crap.

He's asleep, he's not doing it to piss you off, and will likely feel like absolute shit the next day from the lack of sleep he has had.

I could sound like I was deep asleep snoring my head off but my sleep study showed I stopped breathing on average 35 times PER HOUR! I felt exhausted in the mornings and so to have someone present recordings or videos of you is humiliating.

If his snoring wakes you up, you have the ability to leave the room and go to another/ the couch.

If it's genuinely from a place of worry then you don't need to volunteer videos in the morning it's not like he was walking out the door to see his consultant! Waiting until he has an appointment and then ASK if he would like you to share info on noises/ recordings for him to inform the consultant .

He's probably embarrassed, but I dont really understand your motive for videoing him and showing it to him when there is nothing he can do at the moment about it. There was no need to embarrass him further. I dont think he should have spoken to you like he did, or call you immature, but I dont think your behaviour was reasonable either.

You both need a night apart with decent sleep before you continue this conversation

Nobody else should be filmed without their consent. This is where the problem lies. He feels bad enough already and now you've got a video of what he feels bad/embarrassed/concerned about without his knowledge.

I wouldn't sleep with you again.

You said bf. Do you live together?

I agree with @sprigatito his attitude was wrong, however I’m a bit on the fence about the video. I understand that he was doing a different sound but it did look a bit that you recorded him out of spite. I would have rather waken him up straight away out of worry (unless waking up is not advisable, sorry, I don’t know about this specific condition). I do elbow my DH when he is snoring but it’s just simple snoring when he is drunk, tired or sleeps on the back.