Boyfriend telling me to “stop bringing things up”

[bigbeechtree]

we had a blazing row this morning.

He suffers from untreated sleep apnea and is currently awaiting a sleep study. His snoring has got worse over the last few nights and I’ve barely slept

He asked me this morning if I’d slept and I hesitated and then said no. He asked me if it was due to my snoring, so I said yes.
I then played him a video of him making a new clicking sound, and then told him he’s stopping breathing in the night for ages.

He had a go at me, saying I’m “making him feel really low” and there’s no need. I just need to answer his questions about how I slept and that’s it. He said he knows he snores and “someone continuously bringing it up” is “unnecessary”.
I told him I only told him about the new things and videoed him because I’m worried about him. I said fine, I won’t bring things up anymore. He then had a go at me for dealing with things immaturely and said he didn’t want to be around me, and stormed off.

AIBU?

Why are you sharing a room if it’s that bad? Can you take it in turns to sleep on the sofa?

You don't have to keep him warm by setting yourself on fire.

A loving partner would not treat someone the way he is treating you.

Stop sleeping in the same room at least, you deserve sleep?

Stop sleeping in the same room.

He absolutely didn't need to have a go at you. He needs to understand where you're coming from, a place of concern. Is it worth trying to have a conversation at another time, so not first thing when both of you are probably feeling crap after a bad night?

I guess he feels bad that he's disturbing your sleep and he's probably a bit worried about his condition? Which is why he's being defensive. Typical take it out on the person closest to you..

I've not read all the replies so apologies if I'm repeating, but can you sleep separately until he's had his sleep study? I'm currently undergoing a potential sleep apnoea diagnosis and I constantly feel drained from the disturbed sleep.. my partner sleeps in another room currently.

I don't really see what videoing him achieves. You've said he's awaiting a sleep study, so he's not denying there's an issue or refusing to do anything about it. I doubt he can do anything to speed up the sleep study either. The videoing seems unnecessary, you could just explain that you're worried about the change.

This is a really contentious subject and I can kind of understand. I have been diagnosed with sleep apnea and now have a mouth piece to help with the snoring but before I got this, myself and my partner probably got into a similar situation.

He never got any sleep because of my snoring, I never slept very well because either he was waking me up because I was too loud, and with sleep apnea- you never actually get a decent sleep either, you actually get more and more tired because you're not getting enough oxygen and your body doesn't recover in sleep like someone who doesn't have sleep apnea. It was a never ending circle, I was alway exhausted and he was always exhausted. He was shitty with me because of lack of sleep, I was shitty with him because he was always waking me up and I was always tired as well. It was tough going - and the only way for either of us to feel like we got any sleep was for one of us to sleep in the sofa. Usually me!

It's hard to communicate when you are both always tired. My DP used to video me too, and I would get annoyed because I don't need him telling me how bad my snoring was and lack of sleep meant we didn't communicate well and I especially was getting more and more grumpy. This went on for 2 years until I was diagnosed and finally got a sleep device. It's not the most comfortable but it really makes a difference. We finally both get sleep and are not exhausted all the time. Communication is much better and he can now tell when I have either forgotten to put my mouth piece on or it's come out.

I would say that you need to try and hold off any judgement or arguments until he has finally been diagnosed and got the right help. Lack of sleep does funny things to people and how they communicate. You just need to be kind to each other and sleep in separate rooms until it's sorted. 😅

Tell him to sleep downstairs, I couldn't be with someone who disturbs my sleep like that.

Was it a video or a recording of the new sound he is making?

I imagine he got so defensive because he is dog tired, and he knows he’s affecting your sleep too, and there’s currently fuck all he can do about it, even though he’s hating that he’s impacting your quality of life this way.

However badly you slept op, I can pretty much guarantee his sleep was worse, and far more likely to have negative long term health complications for him, not you.

He knows he’s keeping you awake, he feels shit about it already, or he wouldn’t ask you how you slept. But he’s the one with apnoea. The one at increased risk of lots of potentially serious complications. When he’s barely awake after nights and nights of literally stopping breathing multiple times a night because of his condition and asking you out of politeness how you slept is not the time to be rubbing it in that he kept you awake, and “hey, look at this video, omg”. He knows, he’s tired. Like bone tired. He can’t do a thing about it until he is seen and assessed in the sleep clinic, so maybe lay off it a bit. Sleep on the sofa, in a spare room, at a friends. Try and understand he feels really crap already that he is ruining your sleep. You need to try some empathy, and see why this might make him defensive when you relish (even though I’m sure you are sure it just came from a place of concern) in showing him videos of his serious medical condition at the breakfast table when he can barely keep himself awake. He didn’t get defensive about you bringing the subject up, he did that himself because he cares about you. He got defensive when you went hell for leather explaining in detail, with video evidence, of the thing he knows is happening and that he has no power to resolve.

My partner has sleep apnea and before it was sorted out he was very sleep deprived which can make people more grumpy.

He shouldn't take it out on you, no need for that, but on the other hand you shouldn't be filming him without discussing it with him. He probably felt shamed.

I find it helpful to go to sleep first. If I am asleep then the snoring doesn't generally wake me. But I can't get to sleep if he is already snoring.

If you can't sleep in another room, then move your pillows down to the foot of the bed. Top and tail. That helped as he wasn't snoring in my ear then.

Is he overweight? Could that be why he’s so defensive over it?

instead of telling him it’s effecting you why can’t one of you sleep elsewhere temporarily?

Everything @Treelesschristmas says is true. If he hasn't asked you to video him, stop doing it. It's a massive invasion of his privacy over something he feels really sensitive about already. Like, if he was epileptic would you video him having a seizure? Not OK.

I had sleep apnea and it is debilitating for both people. If he has genuinely tried everything then you have to decide if it is worth continuing the relationship. I wouldn't wait for sleep study, I was over 7 years and never got the call

Things to try
Mouth guard
Wedge pillow
Weightloss
Sleeping at different times
Separate rooms.

We tried all the above and fiannly weightloss did it,

I can understand recording the noise if it was different from usual tbh.

Sleep in different rooms.

He asked a question and should have been prepared for you to answer it. But I don’t think you needed to go on to show him your recording.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

Of course you're going to be arguing if he's been merrily sleeping beside you all night whilst keeping you awake.

If he's just your boyfriend can he go and sleep at his place for a while until he gets the sleep apnea sorted?

I think videoing without permission is odd and not ok. Unless I read it wrong, he asked you how you slept, not about him?

I can see his response tbh. I'd hate someone to video me like that.

If you'd agreed about the video, and he asked to see it, then reacted like that then he's out of order.

Sorry if I've misunderstood but you are out of order here

Just go somewhere where he isn't and get some sleep.

This post has just put into words everything I felt, so much better than I could have ever explained having sleep apnea. Thank you.

He brought it up not you.
My ex used to snore horrendously. I often used to have to sleep in the spare room. It's absolutely horrible living with a serious snorer. Ear plugs are useless. I hope your partner gers some successful treatment.

I can assure you that someone with sleep apnea is not 'sleeping merrily'. The snoring is of course infuriating but it doesn't mean they're sound asleep, it means they're stopping breathing/coming in and out of sleep/never reaching deep sleep. It's equally exhausting for both parties.

I’m with him. In the opinion of this old woman, you were annoyed by his snoring and lack of sleep so you videoed him and showed it to him to make a point. He is awaiting a study. There is not much he can do about it before then.

I agree with this poster, and others who have said similar.

It is incredibly intrusive to video someone in their sleep.
You are really out of line, not him.

I’m on his side. He asked the question and you answered it = all fine. BUT you then went one further and had videoed him while he slept (I assume without his permission)?

I’d feel a bit violated if my partner filmed me while I was sleeping.

Just sleep in separate rooms (assuming you can) I don't understand couples who won't sleep separately... so much better quality of sleep.
My DH and I haven't shared a bedroom for years ... doesn't have any effect on our marriage although currently on holiday and having to share a room which isn't much fun 😡 fortunately we are only away for three nights!

Agree with this. You need to sleep in separate beds until he can get this treated.