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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up work

71 replies

ColumbiaorMagenta · 03/10/2023 03:40

I have 2 children and I've recently gone back to work in the field I was in before having them - previously I'd just done tearoom/cafe low stress work.

I hate it. DD (18 months) now has to go to nursery and it's 3.40am and I can't sleep as I'm already stressed about the rig-moral of getting us both out the door by 7am. My job only really brings in "pocket money" DH pays all the bills.

I'm thinking of quitting for the sake of my mental health and looking again when she's a year or so older.

Would I be making a mistake doing this?

OP posts:
Noopnoop · 03/10/2023 04:11

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time but this should be a discussion for you and your partner. I do hope you get it resolved.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 03/10/2023 04:14

Can you cut down your days at all? It is brutal but you might be glad in the long run.

Aerin1999 · 03/10/2023 04:17

What is your field OP?

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 03/10/2023 04:26

If it’s only for a year or two go for it. However, make sure you go back either full time or part time for long term financial security

Canyoucheckonme · 03/10/2023 04:33

I did it OP, was a SAHM for five years as we had two children three years apart and hated my job. Such a personal decision, but like you, my DHs salary more than covers the mortgage, bills, holidays savings etc

I've been back at work since youngest started Yr1 (so they were 5), five years ago now. Totally different job and field as I was a totally different person with new skills, outlook and knowledge.

We've had zero regrets about the decision - it was the best thing for our family.

user1492757084 · 03/10/2023 04:49

Consider just working two days, or part there of, per week.
Work to keep your social contacts, self esteem, pocket money and so your child can enjoy mixing at nursery.

WandaWonder · 03/10/2023 04:56

If you can afford now and in the long term sure why not

Canyoucheckonme · 03/10/2023 05:09

I was a SAHM for five years and had no self-esteem or identity issues. Had a great group of friends around me who either worked p/t or were also SAHM.

Sounds like you're married OP which offers you some financial protection. Mumsnetters often say about long term financial concerns/future proofing etc. But I was brought up in poverty so things like pensions, savings, mortgages and life insurance were not for people like us. They were luxuries for the wealthy.

If you and your DH agree it's the best thing for your family for a couple of years then I say go for it, especially if it's affecting your mental health so badly.

whattttttodo · 03/10/2023 05:35

I ended up leaving work when youngest was 2 due to stress. I loved it . I now work part time in a job I love .

owlsmummy · 03/10/2023 07:12

how is it pocket money if you work full time? If you cannot manage, cut down the hours? I wouldn't give up work and try to re-establish myself. never good being financially dependent on another adult if you can help it.

owlsmummy · 03/10/2023 07:13

also, what does DH think? I think making one person in the family the sole earner requires consulting them, not MN ;-)

TeaKitten · 03/10/2023 07:17

The fact that your DH earns more doesn’t mean your job is ‘pocket money’. What does he think about you giving up work? Is part time not an option? Can your pensions and personal savings deal with you quitting?

LolaSmiles · 03/10/2023 07:20

Echoing what other people say, just because your DH earns more doesn't mean that your financial contribution isn't valuable.
How does your DH feel about the situation? Does he want to remain the sole/main earner indefinitely?

Khvdrt · 03/10/2023 07:22

How many days and how long have you been back? If it’s under a month I’d say give it a bit longer, it took me time to settle back in after my second maternity leave. However if you can afford it and it’s really making you happy over a long term period then you need to change jobs or stop working.

Motheranddaughter · 03/10/2023 07:38

I wouldn’t ,as I have seen so many women find it is so much easier to give up work than get back into work
I wouldn’t have given up my careeer if my DH had been a millionaire

YellSomeMoreAdam · 03/10/2023 07:46

@owlsmummy I think she means after paying out for childcare she doesn't bring home much money.

Firstly, why are you the sole person getting a child ready? Where is your Dh in this? What time does he leave the house? I have seen this so many times that the chap just carries on his normal routine whilst the Mother runs herself ragged trying to get herself ready and the children.

Even when I was a sahm Dh was part of the breakfast routine because he wanted to see his children and two pairs of hands makes it easier.

Secondly, could you drop down to part time to keep your foot in the door?

How easy would it be for you to get back into work if you take more time off now? Would your Dh pay into your pension whilst you are taking this break? Why is a year enough? Some wait until the youngest child is in school. This could impact your ability to return, only you can answer that.

I would get your Dh involved in the morning routine of getting his child ready as a starting point to see if that eases any of the feelings you are having. Honestly, getting children ready in the mornings is always a bit difficult.

Canyoucheckonme · 03/10/2023 07:49

Not everyone has a career, or a pension, investments or savings. This is Mumsnet tho, so probably the majority do. I didn't when I gave up work for a few years. There's no rule book. You can start a career at any age. Or not at all. We're all different.

I didn't just give up work tho - we chose for me to invest in our children and had little family help. We all know the first 1001 days are critical in terms of brain development.

I'm happy with the choice we made - you'll never regret spending more time with your children OP.

Uncooperativefingers · 03/10/2023 07:49

How long have you been doing it for? A big change in routine might take a few months to settle into, especially with a little one

Also, what is so bad about the morning routine that means you are so worried you can't sleep?

ASCCM · 03/10/2023 07:55

So as someone who worked full time with small children ( didn’t need the money) I would say don’t just give up because it’s hard now. It does get easier, how long have you been back ?

I went to work for me, I would have hated being at home and just being a Mum, it wasn’t for me at all and an unexpected divorce when my youngest was 5 made me very thankful for my thriving career.

essentially, children grow (fast) what do you want at the end of it? A career?or still to be at home in an empty nest where they are at school and don’t need you so much?

I’d give it at least 6 months to a year before making any choices.

Mumoftwoboysaged4and5 · 03/10/2023 07:55

‘I didn't just give up work tho - we chose for me to invest in our children and had little family help. We all know the first 1001 days are critical in terms of brain development’

This is such a patronising comment. Not everyone can afford to ‘invest’ in their children by giving up work. It’s fine to say ‘I gave up work and that was my choice’ - it’s crappy to make people feel like they are somehow doing long term damage to their children by not giving up their career.

Mumof1andacat · 03/10/2023 07:55

Could you get a job thats 'less stressful' ie not starting as early, maybe shorter hours.

callmesophia · 03/10/2023 07:58

I'd absolutely sack it off. I've been in that position before and it was the best thing for myself and my family at the time. It's temporary at the end of the day. Give it a whirl... you can always reassess if it's not working out.

Greedybilly · 03/10/2023 07:59

If you can afford it - quit. You can't put a price on good mental health.

direbollockal · 03/10/2023 08:10

Becoming a SAHM was the best thing I ever did, for the children and for myself (and for my ex husband). But it was something we discussed between ourselves, and something that worked for all of us.

Mindymomo · 03/10/2023 08:16

If you’re not enjoying the work and you don’t need the extra money, then definitely give it up. Children grow so fast and time is precious, I was lucky to to able to work 2 days a week and looking back I’m really glad I did.