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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up work

71 replies

ColumbiaorMagenta · 03/10/2023 03:40

I have 2 children and I've recently gone back to work in the field I was in before having them - previously I'd just done tearoom/cafe low stress work.

I hate it. DD (18 months) now has to go to nursery and it's 3.40am and I can't sleep as I'm already stressed about the rig-moral of getting us both out the door by 7am. My job only really brings in "pocket money" DH pays all the bills.

I'm thinking of quitting for the sake of my mental health and looking again when she's a year or so older.

Would I be making a mistake doing this?

OP posts:
Wakeywake · 03/10/2023 08:24

It's entirely up to you. What I don't understand is why getting out of the door in the morning is causing so much stress. Maybe try and sort that out before you decide to quit work?

Gerrataere · 03/10/2023 08:29

I was made redundant (place closed) when pregnant with my first, so decided (as a couple!) I’d be a stay at home parent to save on childcare costs. My ex retrained and whilst money was tight we managed (even with a second baby).

What I didn’t factor in was our children having SEN (autism). By the time it became very apparent I had slipped into not just a SAHM role but carer as well. My chance of rebuilding a career went out the window, ex was fully immersed in his new career and going part time or reduced hours wasn’t an option. So now I have an ever growing gap in my CV and one of these awful Benefits Scroungers so despised on MN. Fully rock/hard place situation.

Obviously this is more of a ‘worst case scenario’ but you might want to take into consideration that the future is unpredictable and not having the security or simply the continuous work on your CV may come around on you in the future.

Deathbyfluffy · 03/10/2023 08:38

Wakeywake · 03/10/2023 08:24

It's entirely up to you. What I don't understand is why getting out of the door in the morning is causing so much stress. Maybe try and sort that out before you decide to quit work?

It’s also up to their DH - assuming the finances are shared, surely he has a say too

wilke · 03/10/2023 08:38

Go for it of you can afford it, it sounds stressful. I'm a sahm with an 18m old and they are still really little, and I'd definitely struggle getting us dressed and out of the house by 7am.

Heatherbell1978 · 03/10/2023 08:45

Everyone is different and if you can afford it or at least if not working gives you the lifestyle you want, then go for it. My DC are past that stage now but I remember dealing with sleepless nights followed by 6.30am trains into the office. It was brutal and hard but I'm your typical MN mum if you like - FT job, career, pension etc. Doesn't mean it's the path for everyone.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 03/10/2023 08:57

Canyoucheckonme · 03/10/2023 07:49

Not everyone has a career, or a pension, investments or savings. This is Mumsnet tho, so probably the majority do. I didn't when I gave up work for a few years. There's no rule book. You can start a career at any age. Or not at all. We're all different.

I didn't just give up work tho - we chose for me to invest in our children and had little family help. We all know the first 1001 days are critical in terms of brain development.

I'm happy with the choice we made - you'll never regret spending more time with your children OP.

Guess us working mums better hope our kids aren't damaged then...🙄

Hibiscrubbed · 03/10/2023 16:45

You can’t unilaterally decide to quit work. Thats not right. It needs discussion.

Could you look to retrain/return to study to work in a field that is more professional, lucrative, has progression and that you enjoy?

MeridaBrave · 03/10/2023 19:12

Really depends on what the field is. I kept on going even though it was hard as a) it was more than “pocket money“ and b) it would have been very hard to go back if I took a career break

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 03/10/2023 19:29

I think you need to discuss it with your DH and see if he’s happy to be the sole earner with rising interest rates and an economy teetering on the edge of recession.

purplehair1 · 03/10/2023 19:30

Mumoftwoboysaged4and5 · 03/10/2023 07:55

‘I didn't just give up work tho - we chose for me to invest in our children and had little family help. We all know the first 1001 days are critical in terms of brain development’

This is such a patronising comment. Not everyone can afford to ‘invest’ in their children by giving up work. It’s fine to say ‘I gave up work and that was my choice’ - it’s crappy to make people feel like they are somehow doing long term damage to their children by not giving up their career.

Thank you. I had to go back to a full time job when my kids were 3 months old. Freelance so no maternity leave apart from statutory. Comments like this make me feel like crap. I would have loved to stay at home a bit longer but had to keep paying for a roof over our heads as their dad didn’t earn enough.

WrongSwanson · 03/10/2023 19:34

Canyoucheckonme · 03/10/2023 07:49

Not everyone has a career, or a pension, investments or savings. This is Mumsnet tho, so probably the majority do. I didn't when I gave up work for a few years. There's no rule book. You can start a career at any age. Or not at all. We're all different.

I didn't just give up work tho - we chose for me to invest in our children and had little family help. We all know the first 1001 days are critical in terms of brain development.

I'm happy with the choice we made - you'll never regret spending more time with your children OP.

People who are happy with the decisions they have made don't feel the need to make other people feel bad about the decisions they made.

Anyway mine are both top of the top set in a good school and happy and thriving so I'm guessing their brains weren't profoundly damaged from being apart from me 3 days a week, but I guess at least they can blame me when they miss out on a Nobel prize

WrongSwanson · 03/10/2023 19:37

Op, you do what's best for you (but do factor in things like pension contributions,, how you would cope if DH left you etc when weighing up the balance)

But the one bit I can really understand is why you are so stressed about leaving the house? I was a single mum when mine were toddlers/babies and it was doable so surely with two of you there it's ok?

Motheranddaughter · 03/10/2023 19:37

Mine have all done well in life ,despite me working

Hygeelady · 03/10/2023 19:41

Are you working full time?

Are the fees for the nursery a fair amount less than your earnings?

When I had my second child my manager would not give me any set days or hours, so I left. I didn't work for about a year. It was so tough. I had 2 kids under 3, no car (sold it to fund no working), husband away constantly, no family visiting, couldn't afford things friends were doing and I feel and was trapped in the house by myself with nothing to do/look forward to. Ran up debt because kids are expensive. So I wouldn't recommend it.

If your full time, could you reduce?

Is it time to look for something new?

Canyoucheckonme · 03/10/2023 20:26

Sorry about the first 1001 days comment, it wasn't meant to be rude or upset anyone. I worked when I had my first child. I wasn't implying children of working parents do less well or would be less intelligent or have brain problems at all. I was sleep deprived and I shouldn't have said it. Apologies.

Livelovebehappy · 03/10/2023 20:56

100% stop working, if you can afford to. Of course eventually earning your own money is important, but shouldn’t be at the expense of creating anxiety and stress. I’ve two friends who were sahm’s for five years after the youngest was born. Both then returned to work part time and have never regretted it. I had to work when mine were babies, solely due to not being financially able not to. And I regret it hugely that I missed out on a lot of my dcs pre school years.

Hooplahooping · 03/10/2023 21:15

If you and your husband are better served as a team by you taking more time off then do it.

i’m not ‘working’ at the moment because DH works a crazy job that doesn’t leave space for much else - so me not working serves us both - I can get all the chores etc done in the week so we both have quality time with our DCs in the evenings + at weekends - it makes both our lives run better. I’m happier and less stressed than I was trying to make everything work round a job.

obviously I’m sacrificing career progression etc - but I’m a good teacher - I’m not worried I’ll get left behind if / when I go back - although I might not it’s taken me a long time to admit (very competitive academic girls school + solid RG uni + masters etc) that I’m not very professionally motivated really…

the enormous privilege is to have options. See what your DH feels + Make a team plan for how you can balance income / down time / stress best together

Mariposista · 03/10/2023 21:33

A massive mistake yes.
Being in a job you hate is awful, but you are best using your energy to look for a new one, rather than embracing unemployment.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 03/10/2023 21:37

I'd also sack it off.

Kazzybingbong · 03/10/2023 21:40

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 03/10/2023 04:26

If it’s only for a year or two go for it. However, make sure you go back either full time or part time for long term financial security

Why? She only makes pocket money and her husband covers the bills. Why would working when she doesn’t want or need to provide long term financial security?

JLou08 · 03/10/2023 21:41

I quit my job a few months after returning to work after my second. Best decision I ever made. You never get back the early years. You do have plenty of years at working age to progress in your career. I had no problems getting back into work.

Kazzybingbong · 03/10/2023 21:45

If you’re not happy working and can afford not to, then don’t. You have a valuable role at home being a mum and there is absolutely nothing wrong with not having a career or wanting to climb any corporate ladders.

I’m a SAHM. I only have one, she’s 7 and we home educate and it works for us. I don’t want to be teaching other people’s kids for a pittance and more stress than I know what to do with.

I have an Etsy shop, which I love but I’d not manage that with a toddler like you! Just quit I say!

canoechick · 03/10/2023 21:49

its really really refreshing to see someone on the internet say “oops you are right I shouldn’t have said it like that” @Canyoucheckonme . So don’t feel bad for your original comment but proud of owning it :)

(don’t mean this to come across patronising, I was genuinely really impressed to see this . It’s something I’m trying to get better at!)

Beezknees · 03/10/2023 21:52

Canyoucheckonme · 03/10/2023 07:49

Not everyone has a career, or a pension, investments or savings. This is Mumsnet tho, so probably the majority do. I didn't when I gave up work for a few years. There's no rule book. You can start a career at any age. Or not at all. We're all different.

I didn't just give up work tho - we chose for me to invest in our children and had little family help. We all know the first 1001 days are critical in terms of brain development.

I'm happy with the choice we made - you'll never regret spending more time with your children OP.

I don't and it's a massive mistake not to if you can help it. I'm a single parent with no financial security and will have to work now until I drop dead. Not worth ever giving up work imo.

Beezknees · 03/10/2023 21:53

Kazzybingbong · 03/10/2023 21:40

Why? She only makes pocket money and her husband covers the bills. Why would working when she doesn’t want or need to provide long term financial security?

Show quote history

Because if she suddenly found herself single then she'd be in trouble. At least working she'd have some money coming in. People think it will never happen to them until it does.