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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you stay in this marriage

58 replies

Username70654 · 02/10/2023 14:09

Background together 16 years married for 11 1 dc who is 8

Been together since I was 18 and he was 22

My H and his cousin are as close as they could be, more than best friends, and the cousins wife and I went to school together and in college became best friends and she got with the cousin around the same time I got with dh.

Cousin and his wife (my best friend) are splitting up. No other person involved, it's been a difficult year as I have been trying to support my best friend and also bearing in mind her spouse is my dh cousin and best friend its been really hard to separate our feeling and not let it encroach into our own relationship a bit. Their separation has gotten a bit toxic and feelings have been hurt

But for the last 5 months (the separation started late last year) my dh has become obsessed with the dynamics since the separation and its damaging our relationship

At the weekend, we were discussing a family event which is due to take place next year and we are hosting it and "d" h said what will we do about cousin and ex wife and I said invite them both, not take sides and leave anyone out. Whoever comes will come.

Well "d" h called me a cunt, said that I was a selfish cunt a nasty cunt and I think he called me it 4x simply because he says that his cousin won't be able to be in the same room as his ex wife and I'm basically taking her side.

I am so upset and angry at him. He has form in the past for being angry with me for something that the next day to him is trivial and I am pleased that when he behaves like this I don't engage in arguments or say anything back but I do get emotional and cry and feel hurt.

He had been drinking and he has said now he will stop drinking but I dint think I can stay. This Incident has given me anxiety, I'm so low, I have a history of self harm and I'm trying to avoid doing this but I feel so low

Aibu to leave?
Sorry this is so long

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 02/10/2023 14:11

Dont discuss this kind of thing while drinking!

WereYouListeningToTheDudesStory · 02/10/2023 14:11

Yeah I would leave if someone showed that much casual contempt towards me. It is not ok to call your partner a cunt. Really, really not ok.

Octobermeterreadtime · 02/10/2023 14:12

My biggest ever wish ever ever was that back then I had mn when I had such a twatty dh. I would have had the nerve to flounce right out of that marriage.. He isn't in your corner op. Was he ever really?. Ltb today.

blahblahblurgh · 02/10/2023 14:12

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that. TBH I don't know why you would invite the cousin's ex-wife; even if you are close friends, she isn't family and it sounds like it would upset him to have her there. But your husband's reaction was kind of crazy. I wouldn't leave him but you guys need to figure out how you want to be- it should have nothing to do with them.

Original poster
Username70654 · 02/10/2023 14:12

I hadn't been drinking, but your right I shouldn't have engaged in the conversation whilst he had been drinking

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 02/10/2023 14:12

So your husband swore at you 4 times, regarding what sounds like a build up over a very difficult situation, then apologised and now you want to divorce him? Personally I wouldn't tolerate this as repeat behaviour but as a one off profusely apologised for, when he is under stress, had too much to drink, which he has now sworn off, I'd probably let it go. Having said that I grew up in east London and cunt was a term of endearment.

TSsupafan · 02/10/2023 14:13

I think this kind of casual cruelty and disregard would be very hard to move past, and I don't think it's surprising you're struggling to do so. Hope you're ok <3

Original poster
Username70654 · 02/10/2023 14:14

blahblahblurgh · 02/10/2023 14:12

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that. TBH I don't know why you would invite the cousin's ex-wife; even if you are close friends, she isn't family and it sounds like it would upset him to have her there. But your husband's reaction was kind of crazy. I wouldn't leave him but you guys need to figure out how you want to be- it should have nothing to do with them.

It's an odd as our shared mutual friends will all be there too, so to not invite her at least would damage our friendship but then should I be putting the family first like he says?

OP posts:
Original poster
Username70654 · 02/10/2023 14:17

@UndercoverCop this isn't the first time he has acted in this way towards me. There has been many times where he has become nasty horrible spiteful calling me names and I'm the worst person in the world over some "major" situation (in his head) then the next day he's like oh sorry I didn't mean it won't happen again.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 02/10/2023 14:18

Is there more to this, OP?

Has there been a long period of time where your husband has been abusive to you?

Does he shout, or throw things, or hit you, for example?

How often does he become verbally abusive like this - and how often does he get so drunk that his behaviour is objectionable?

I kind of feel that there is a lot missing from this post. You've gone from being married to wanting a divorce in the space of a few minutes.

Surely a one-off argument, fuelled by drink, would not cause you to want a divorce - what else is going on here?

BethDuttonsTwin · 02/10/2023 14:18

I wouldn't stay with anyone who called me a cunt. The End.

Millybob · 02/10/2023 14:21

I'd make it absolutely clear that if he ever spoke to me like that again, he'd better be looking for a bachelor pad with his cousin.

Millybob · 02/10/2023 14:22

But nor would I stay married to someone I don't like. And you don't like him, do you?

Original poster
Username70654 · 02/10/2023 14:24

And when I say in my op "he has form for this in the past" here are 2 examples off the top off my head

At a wedding around 5 years ago he called me a stupid little slut which was completely out of the blue and when I challenged him he said "well you are a little slut" and this obviously ruined the night

We were with a group of people that we didn't really know on another occasion, and we decided to go home. One guy said he would get in a taxi with us and then told me he changed his mind so I got a taxi, H was saying where is so and so and I said they have changed their mind, he said I was a liar he didn't believe me he thought I was just saying that to leave as I was tired and my feet hurt, he was calling me evil spiteful nasty he wouldn't let it go it was horrible I had a panic attack and the next day obviously all to be moved past.

For the record I'm not a big drinker, I have a couple of glasses of wines but everything this has happened I've not been drunk he has been hence why I remember everything he said etc

He's said before he would give up drinking think it lasted 2 days till he had "a beer"

OP posts:
Original poster
Username70654 · 02/10/2023 14:27

I do like him @Millybob hence why I'm so devastated by the way he's behaved towards me.

If I didn't like him surely him calling me a cunt and the past examples of similar behaviour I would have been like OK thanks for calling me a cunt here's my chance to leave?

Genuinely all I want is for him to love me but he becomes this split personality when he's drinking where I'm suddenly the worst person in the world then the next day he's devastated by it all.

OP posts:
blahblahblurgh · 02/10/2023 14:30

@Username70654 I wouldn't invite her if he cousin was coming

Goldfish41 · 02/10/2023 14:31

That’s shocking and I wouldn’t be able to tolerate that personally. There are some people who just switch when they drink, and there are some partners who are able to kind of shrug that off as atypical, but I couldn’t. Only you know how bad it is and whether the overall relationship is worth it. I had an ex who was similar (although he could also be quite nasty at times when sober) and I certainly do not miss that relationship!

Original poster
Username70654 · 02/10/2023 14:32

@blahblahblurgh that's fair enough, and ultimately the problem is the way my husband reacts and calls me a cunt is my biggest issue!

OP posts:
ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 02/10/2023 14:37

You're going to need her for support if it all falls apart with DH. You need to be in her corner.

User0000009 · 02/10/2023 14:37

My DH was the same after he’d been drinking. He’s been sober over 20 years now. Your H needs to stop drinking.

TheShellBeach · 02/10/2023 14:39

He's said before he would give up drinking think it lasted 2 days till he had "a beer"

Ah - so you've had conversations about his drinking before.
Would you class him as an alcoholic, bearing in mind he has promised to give up drinking and not succeeded, and also bearing in mind he calls getting drunk enough to abuse his wife "having a beer"?

UndercoverCop · 02/10/2023 14:40

On the basis of your update, this clearly isn't out of character or something he is actually sorry for. I would leave.

ManateeFair · 02/10/2023 14:42

The business about the cousin and the ex-wife and all that is totally irrelevant.

The issue here is that your husband is an aggressive alcoholic. All the examples you've given of his behaviour are vile - verbal abusive, ruining social events for you by flying off the handle, promising to give up drinking but then being incapable of actually stopping. All MASSIVE red flags. You say you're proud of not engaging with him when he shouts verbal abuse at you, but what this actually suggests is that deep down you are actually afraid of him. I think perhaps you're in some denial about his behaviour and what it means.

I speak from experience on this: please don't stay with him.

Original poster
Username70654 · 02/10/2023 14:44

Is he an alcoholic.... I would say when he drinks in a social setting he doesn't know his limits
He talks a good game the day after he's blown up about how he will stop drinking, or he will say stop drinking "as much" etc but I am yet to be with him where he actually does not drink or monitors what he's drinking in a social setting

There is no rationalising with him when he's like that it's like a red mist descends he looks at me with pure hate and spite, I have said to him "you'll feel differently tomorrow leave it for now we will talk about it tomorrow" but he is genuinely like a dog with a bone

OP posts:
Original poster
Username70654 · 02/10/2023 14:48

@ManateeFair your post has really struck a point with me

Your right I am scared he looks so angry he's actually scary to look at,

And I do feel that I don't look forward to socialising with him because I'm worried about this nastiness coming out

OP posts:
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