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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you stay in this marriage

58 replies

Username70654 · 02/10/2023 14:09

Background together 16 years married for 11 1 dc who is 8

Been together since I was 18 and he was 22

My H and his cousin are as close as they could be, more than best friends, and the cousins wife and I went to school together and in college became best friends and she got with the cousin around the same time I got with dh.

Cousin and his wife (my best friend) are splitting up. No other person involved, it's been a difficult year as I have been trying to support my best friend and also bearing in mind her spouse is my dh cousin and best friend its been really hard to separate our feeling and not let it encroach into our own relationship a bit. Their separation has gotten a bit toxic and feelings have been hurt

But for the last 5 months (the separation started late last year) my dh has become obsessed with the dynamics since the separation and its damaging our relationship

At the weekend, we were discussing a family event which is due to take place next year and we are hosting it and "d" h said what will we do about cousin and ex wife and I said invite them both, not take sides and leave anyone out. Whoever comes will come.

Well "d" h called me a cunt, said that I was a selfish cunt a nasty cunt and I think he called me it 4x simply because he says that his cousin won't be able to be in the same room as his ex wife and I'm basically taking her side.

I am so upset and angry at him. He has form in the past for being angry with me for something that the next day to him is trivial and I am pleased that when he behaves like this I don't engage in arguments or say anything back but I do get emotional and cry and feel hurt.

He had been drinking and he has said now he will stop drinking but I dint think I can stay. This Incident has given me anxiety, I'm so low, I have a history of self harm and I'm trying to avoid doing this but I feel so low

Aibu to leave?
Sorry this is so long

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 02/10/2023 14:51

Okay, so he's an alcoholic. I daresay he doesn't call himself an alcoholic but let's call a spade a spade here.

Would he go to his GP to ask for help?

momtoboys · 02/10/2023 14:51

When I was a young woman I was engaged to a man who sometimes became a monster when he drank. I vividly remember being at a party and having wonderful time; he playfully pulled me down to sit on his lap. As I was sitting there he pinched me as hard as he could, the whole time smiling in my face and said to me "You are such an ass*ole". I was stunned but convinced myself it would never happen again. A few weeks later he came to visit me (I was finishing up Uni) and he arrived early while I was out with some friends. He came to a pub he figured we would be and found me taking to the bartender that he also knew. He briskly walked up to me with a big smile on his face but instead of going to hug me he punched me in the head.

Original poster
Username70654 · 02/10/2023 14:54

Oh my god @momtoboys that's absolutely horrific!!!

I dont think he would go to the GP if I'm honest, he doesn't think his drinking is that bad!! I don't think he can see it.

OP posts:
GoldenSpangles · 02/10/2023 14:55

If he liked you he would not be calling you a liar, a slut and a word I can't quite bring myself to type. He sounds awful at home and it sounds as if you're likely to be humiliated if taking him out. He is a drunk and a nasty one at that. I wouldn't stay with him.

GoldenSpangles · 02/10/2023 14:57

@momtoboys

What happened? What did you do?

WeeMary · 02/10/2023 14:59

Sounds like my late husband who died 2 years ago. Fabulous guy when sober. Brilliant dad etc etc. The past 2 years have been the first time that I've had true peace in my life. Get rid he won't change and you'll always be anxious in social settings like I was. Now I love going to events.

towriteyoumustlive · 02/10/2023 14:59

I wouldn't stay with anyone who spoke to me like that.

Thisistyresome · 02/10/2023 15:00

He has a drink problem. He may not be an alcoholic, but he has a problem with drink. He needs to give it up. Is he someone who can go with out for ages but then when he has one he always drinks more than intended? I have known a few people who were like that, the eventually just stopped as it was easier.

Ultimately anyone needs to make that decision for themselves. If he doesn’t see it as a problem and won’t give it up, you have to consider if it is worth staying with him.

Original poster
Username70654 · 02/10/2023 15:05

Yes he can go all week/weeks without then has too much

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 02/10/2023 15:10

No, I don't think I could stay in your marriage. I'd be on eggshells, waiting for the next time he would drink and be foul to me. The times when he wasn't being foul to me would be tainted by the expectation that it was only a matter of time before he'd be foul to me again Sad. He is damaging your mental health. Either leave, or ask him to leave. He doesn't deserve you.

YeahNoYeah · 02/10/2023 15:11

I wouldnt have invited your friend, he's family and its obvious it's going to be awkward.

I wouldnt divorce over a few swear words.

However, his bags would be packed and lashed for calling me a slut, unforgivable. He clearly thinks it's OK to speak to you like shit. Your DH is a prick, sorry.

SafferUpNorth · 02/10/2023 15:12

He will need to make a commitment to control his drinking.

Sit him down for a serious conversation while he's stone cold sober. Talk him through some examples of incidents. The language he used towards you and how that made you feel. That you're not willing to put up with his drunken abuse any longer. Hopefully he'll agree it's not acceptable (if he doesn't, it tells you all you need to know to leave)

momtoboys · 02/10/2023 15:13

@GoldenSpangles The men in the bar tackled him and as they were scuffling on the floor I snuck out, ran to my flat and locked him out. He came pounding on the door, I never answered and he slept on the porch. He left the next day without me speaking to him. I mailed his ring back the next day, my mother and I went about cancelling bookings we had made for the wedding and that was that. We never spoke until a few months later when he heard my mother had died. He apologized but that was the extent of the conversation.

Ohhbaby · 02/10/2023 15:14

Yes I'd stay and try and get my husband help for his problems with alcohol. And you need to stop drinking too. Only when that doesn't work will I take further steps, but that's just me. Sometimes we all need someone to care enough to get us some help.

PixieLaLar · 02/10/2023 15:14

It sounds like he has some emotional issues that present as anger when he drinks. Would he consider therapy? Unless he’s going to give up drinking forever (unlikely) he’s probably going to keep having these outbursts and not drinking for X amount of time isn’t making a difference clearly.

Lavenderosa · 02/10/2023 15:16

If you are determined to stay together, you could refuse to be with him when he's drinking. That means he either doesn't drink at social events or he goes alone. Also tell him he can choose to have booze at home or his wife at home. He can't have both because you refuse to be spoken to like dirt. You can't host this event next year because he'll drink and then abuse you.

readbooksdrinktea · 02/10/2023 15:18

He called you a cunt repeatedly because you thought about doing something he didn't agree with?

Perhaps the question you should be asking yourself is whether this man likes you all that much.

Original poster
Username70654 · 02/10/2023 15:18

I agree that I think he has emotional issues that come out when he's been drinking. I have asked him to have therapy, I have started the process of booking therapy for myself privately and have a call with someone tomorrow to discuss this further

He 100% would not agree that he is an alcoholic but he does have a problem with alcohol.

I want to support him in getting better and our lives to be better but I feel so broken myself right now it's all a mess

I appreciate everyone's replies

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 02/10/2023 15:19

There is no rationalising with him when he's like that it's like a red mist descends he looks at me with pure hate and spite, I have said to him "you'll feel differently tomorrow leave it for now we will talk about it tomorrow" but he is genuinely like a dog with a bone

That would be enough for me. No way would I stay with him.

I think of it as a glass of water. If someone put a few drops of urine in, you wouldn't drink it would you even though you knew 99.9% of it was okay. It's the same here. He might be okay most of the time but the times he's not would completely ruin everything.

Original poster
Username70654 · 02/10/2023 15:20

@readbooksdrinktea I actually say this to him after these outbursts the next day when he's apologising I say that I don't actually think you like me very much or you have some sort of anger/hatred to me that comes out when drunk

OP posts:
Thisistyresome · 02/10/2023 15:33

Username70654 · 02/10/2023 15:05

Yes he can go all week/weeks without then has too much

This sounds like someone with a problem, but one which is different from being an alcoholic. He needs to recognise that to get it sorted, the best response is likely to be go give it up all together.

But if he won't see that you don't have the ability to fix it. All you can decide is if you are willing to remain if he won't address it.

But also know it is not a you thing. It is not a problem with you that comes out when he is drinking it is a problem in him. He may may have other issues about how he deals with things that alcohol causes to release, but that is not about you.

readbooksdrinktea · 02/10/2023 15:45

Username70654 · 02/10/2023 15:20

@readbooksdrinktea I actually say this to him after these outbursts the next day when he's apologising I say that I don't actually think you like me very much or you have some sort of anger/hatred to me that comes out when drunk

What does he say on those occasions?

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. Good to read you're seeking therapy. Hope it helps you to find some clarity.

unsync · 02/10/2023 15:47

Honestly, he sounds horrible. He's shown you who he really is when he's been drinking and has no inhibitions. He's not interested in getting help and probably won't as you tolerate his shitty behaviour. I'm not surprised you have mental health issues living with a man like this. You deserve better.

billy1966 · 02/10/2023 15:57

OP, you are a quietly frightened woman in a deeply abusive relationship.

Unfortunately you have been conditioned by this awful man to accept the most awful verbal abuse.

I am so sorry.

There is no possible excuse for this.

He is a nasty abusive drunk.

Your child will increasingly realise this too.

I strongly recommend that you engage with Women's aid and I applaud you seeking counselling for yourself.

You and your child deserve so much better.

As to your question?

No I would not stay in this marriage.

I would be getting organised to leave him.

Original poster
Username70654 · 02/10/2023 16:18

Thanks everyone,

He had said to me just now that he will stop drinking, but like I've said I've heard this before, I've asked why "this time" is he serious about stopping drinking and over coming this behaviour- I asked is it because I'm seriously considering leaving and he has said yes.

Genuinely I don't believe he will stop drinking and I don't believe it will stop.

When i say that to him that I don't think you actually like me he is gutted and says he is sorry. The next day he never makes excuses for it or tries to downplay it or anything he is genuinely sorry for what he's said about me but I honestly feel this is a time to far?

Now I'm thinking is he manipulating me? The next day when he's so sad and upset about what happened and that it will not happen again, is it just to keep me to stay for his easy life that he has now?

I'll start the path to therapy and self recovery
I will stop drinking completely which isn't an issue for me but I will do that too.

I am so appreciative of everyone's comments here thank you all, I really need to try and get stronger and I feel my relationship is massively tarnished and damaged now.

OP posts:
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