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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you stay in this marriage

58 replies

Username70654 · 02/10/2023 14:09

Background together 16 years married for 11 1 dc who is 8

Been together since I was 18 and he was 22

My H and his cousin are as close as they could be, more than best friends, and the cousins wife and I went to school together and in college became best friends and she got with the cousin around the same time I got with dh.

Cousin and his wife (my best friend) are splitting up. No other person involved, it's been a difficult year as I have been trying to support my best friend and also bearing in mind her spouse is my dh cousin and best friend its been really hard to separate our feeling and not let it encroach into our own relationship a bit. Their separation has gotten a bit toxic and feelings have been hurt

But for the last 5 months (the separation started late last year) my dh has become obsessed with the dynamics since the separation and its damaging our relationship

At the weekend, we were discussing a family event which is due to take place next year and we are hosting it and "d" h said what will we do about cousin and ex wife and I said invite them both, not take sides and leave anyone out. Whoever comes will come.

Well "d" h called me a cunt, said that I was a selfish cunt a nasty cunt and I think he called me it 4x simply because he says that his cousin won't be able to be in the same room as his ex wife and I'm basically taking her side.

I am so upset and angry at him. He has form in the past for being angry with me for something that the next day to him is trivial and I am pleased that when he behaves like this I don't engage in arguments or say anything back but I do get emotional and cry and feel hurt.

He had been drinking and he has said now he will stop drinking but I dint think I can stay. This Incident has given me anxiety, I'm so low, I have a history of self harm and I'm trying to avoid doing this but I feel so low

Aibu to leave?
Sorry this is so long

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 02/10/2023 16:49

Is he physically violent?

Original poster

Username70654 · 02/10/2023 16:54

No, never

OP posts:

billy1966 · 02/10/2023 16:57

You are an intuitive woman.
He doesn't like you, he certainly doesn't love you, and his contempt for you leaks out when he drinks alcohol.

Yes he is a highly abusive manipulative man.

Think about your daughter and how you would feel if she was regularly victim to such absolutely vile language.

....and for what? A difference in opinion?

He is a truly ugly vile man.

Not a project for you to fix.

You are 100% correct to not believe a word out of his vile disgusting mouth and start focusing completely on yourself.

This is who he really is.

Quietly plan your safe exit, but expect him to try and con you into thinking he can change.

Remember, you and your child deserve so much better.

Pumpkinpie1 · 02/10/2023 17:23

You deserve to not feel anxious when your husband has a drink. If he knows alcohol makes him mean and abusive he shouldn’t drink .
You deserve to feel safe and at the moment he is failing miserably to be a husband and a partner

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 02/10/2023 18:13

Two separate issues here

Your husband is a mean drunk. Do you want to live with this behaviour?

You lack social insight for even considering inviting the cousins ex wife to his family event.

Malarandras · 02/10/2023 18:17

The issue you were discussing is irrelevant. If someone loves you they do not speak to you like that. Period. You deserve better OP, much better. He clearly does not love you or respect you.

MoreThanEnoughSoFar · 02/10/2023 18:23

Username70654 · 02/10/2023 14:17

@UndercoverCop this isn't the first time he has acted in this way towards me. There has been many times where he has become nasty horrible spiteful calling me names and I'm the worst person in the world over some "major" situation (in his head) then the next day he's like oh sorry I didn't mean it won't happen again.

You have an 8 year old child. Ask yourself, how would you like it in a few years time if their first crush calls them a c*nt when drunk? Would you accept this as a life your child deserves? Would you be happy for your child? Would you feel safe knowing your child lived in a relationship where they had to tiptoe around their partner when drunk?

Because this will happen as your child picks up on your partner's contempt for you. And he doesn't respect you. Drink doesn't make a man hate his wife, it just loosens his tongue. Don't tell yourself you are to blame for starting a fight when he's drinking. That's his responsibility. If he can't be respectful to you when he's drunk, he shouldn't be drinking at all.

So, as an answer to your question: no, I wouldn't stay with anyone who spoke to me like that, drunk or sober.

Cloverforever · 02/10/2023 18:27

BethDuttonsTwin · 02/10/2023 14:18

I wouldn't stay with anyone who called me a cunt. The End.

No, me neither. No excuses.

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