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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still expect child maintenance?

69 replies

handsdown2 · 02/10/2023 10:24

Name change as I expect to be jumped on. I know I've been an idiot.

I have a baby less than a year old with ex dp, broke up before baby was born. He never helped with a single thing or bought anything for baby during the pregnancy or when baby here so I went to CMS.

He was angry about this.

Anyway, he paid the CMS first month. Said he wanted to be a better Dad and did want to help support baby. The past month he seemed to have been a different person and bought clothes and toys for baby which was a great change.

He also invited myself and baby an event on his side. We had a nice time and this is where I feel stupid, we slept together... I'm an idiot I know.

We haven't spoken about getting back together or rekindling, I'm not sure that I'd want that but I suppose naturally the feelings are still there somewhat as we have a young child together.

I said in regards to CMS that once trust is built up I would consider a private agreement between us but that it would take time.

But CMS was due last week and it hasn't been paid.

AIBU to think that it should still be paid?

Or would I be out of line asking him where it is given he's bought clothing for baby etc and also given I slept with him?

I'm so ashamed of myself.

For what it's worth, the items he's bought baby aren't things that were needed, baby has plenty of clothing and toys. They were fashion items that he wanted to dress baby in as he said baby needs to look cool.

I'm still on MAT leave and the child maintenance was going to be a huge help given I am on my own with her.

Prepared to be jumped on but I probably deserve it :(

OP posts:
OrigamiOwl · 02/10/2023 10:26

Pursue the child maintenance claim. He doesn't get to get out of it by choosing a few trinkets.

Don't sleep with him again.

Shelby2010 · 02/10/2023 10:30

He must think he’s good in bed if he reckons he can pay CM in sex.

And fashion clothes don’t keep a roof over the baby’s head. You’ve got nothing to blame yourself for, unless you let him worm his way out of the money he owes.

ColdPizzaBreakfast · 02/10/2023 10:31

Definitely insist on the maintenance.

If he is a decent person he will pay it. If he doesn't then that will help you resist his charms next time. Don't beat yourself up about what happened!

Original poster
handsdown2 · 02/10/2023 10:40

I feel like I've maybe been manipulated?

At the same time I'm blaming myself?

Not only am I keeping a roof over babies head and paying for the day to day things but I was also hoping to be able to put some of the child maintenance money away as I've got a huge childcare bill to pay (£1400) before I go back to work as it's paid a month in advance.

This is all down to me on my own and I was hoping the CMS could cover his "half".

If I bring up it's not been paid I can see him calling me grabby etc.

I wanted to go back to work sooner but I've got bad PND probably due in part to the horrible time I had in pregnancy because of him.

OP posts:
OrigamiOwl · 02/10/2023 10:45

Pursue it via CMS, don't enter into a dialogue with him.

He's throwing you crumbs so he can convince you to drop the claim and get out of paying.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/10/2023 11:37

"You've forgotten to send the Child maintenance through, send it asap so that I can pay the £1400 childcare bill in advance. Don't worry if you forget next month I will get the CMS to collect so you don't have to remember"

Neutral language, then disengage

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 02/10/2023 11:39

Yeah definitely!! I don't think that fact you have slept together or that he has bought gifts negates his responsibility to pay for his child at all. He freely chose to do those things. No judgement her OP 💐

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 02/10/2023 11:40

*here

anon12345anon · 02/10/2023 11:40

LaurieFairyCake · 02/10/2023 11:37

"You've forgotten to send the Child maintenance through, send it asap so that I can pay the £1400 childcare bill in advance. Don't worry if you forget next month I will get the CMS to collect so you don't have to remember"

Neutral language, then disengage

Op.....send this message - it's perfect 👍

Also, please stop knocking yourself - sounds like you're doing a great job - you definitely aren't stupid X

Flowers for you

caringcarer · 02/10/2023 11:42

OrigamiOwl · 02/10/2023 10:45

Pursue it via CMS, don't enter into a dialogue with him.

He's throwing you crumbs so he can convince you to drop the claim and get out of paying.

Yes report non payment to CMS and don't sleep with him again.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 02/10/2023 11:45

Just report it to cms directly, don't enter into it with him. He's missed his payment, you report a missed payment and leave cms to chase it.

sonjadog · 02/10/2023 11:48

Who cares if he thinks you are "grabby"? He has a child, he has to pay. Doesn't matter how much sex you have, or how mean he thinks you are being, or how much "cool" stuff he buys. Child maintenance is not optional. It sounds like you both need to get your head around that.

TeaKitten · 02/10/2023 11:50

Don’t talk to him and go straight to CM. Your child deserves that money, wether or not you’ve slept with him has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Original poster
handsdown2 · 02/10/2023 11:55

I don't think child maintenance is optional. I'm just blaming myself here.

When he turned up with things for baby I did say baby didn't need clothing etc and that he didn't need to buy those things but he said "I've got a lot of making up to do towards you both".

I feel like now if I ask him why the child maintenance has not been paid he is going to ask me what I could possibly need this month as he has already got clothing/toys?

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 02/10/2023 11:57

handsdown2 · 02/10/2023 11:55

I don't think child maintenance is optional. I'm just blaming myself here.

When he turned up with things for baby I did say baby didn't need clothing etc and that he didn't need to buy those things but he said "I've got a lot of making up to do towards you both".

I feel like now if I ask him why the child maintenance has not been paid he is going to ask me what I could possibly need this month as he has already got clothing/toys?

Read the replies OP. Don’t ask him, go through CM. Don’t engage with him about it.

Original poster
handsdown2 · 02/10/2023 12:01

@TeaKitten I honestly expected the replies to tell me I was wrong and cheeky to expect it if I had slept with him or if he's already bought things.

I actually thought we were getting on better terms and it could be amicable so maybe I should just ask him first?

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 02/10/2023 12:04

You aren’t on better terms. He hasn’t paid child maintenance because he thinks you are a mug. The sex has nothing to do with your baby and what they need financially. You need to be stronger for your child. Paying for the baby isn’t dependant on who’s nice or sleeping with who, it’s a basic legal requirement, so follow it the proper way and keep your personal relationship separate.

Iamclearlyamug · 02/10/2023 12:06

LaurieFairyCake · 02/10/2023 11:37

"You've forgotten to send the Child maintenance through, send it asap so that I can pay the £1400 childcare bill in advance. Don't worry if you forget next month I will get the CMS to collect so you don't have to remember"

Neutral language, then disengage

OP seriously, just send this. It covers everything

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 12:08

If I bring up it's not been paid I can see him calling me grabby etc.

That's just a way to make you feel bad.

I feel like now if I ask him why the child maintenance has not been paid he is going to ask me what I could possibly need this month as he has already got clothing/toys?

"We need a roof, bedding, food, heating, utilities etc"

OP, please please please raise the bar.

You can either just report non payment to CMS or you could send him a text first, "Hi EX. CMS didn't come through this month, please can you sort that asap?". If he doesn't respond or accuses you or being grabby etc, just ignore and report to CMS.

Also, don't sleep with him again.

ToniTTtopaz · 02/10/2023 12:09

Him buying the baby a few gifts and you two shagging one time doesn't mean he gets out of CM.

That's clearly what he was hoping though.

He's hoping you won't say anything because you're 'getting on better' and he brought a few bits. He wants you to let him off the hook.

Manipulation at its finest.

Call him out just call him or text him and say ' CM hasn't been paid this month and it was due on the X date, can you send it asap because I need to pay for X'

Done.

Laurdo · 02/10/2023 12:16

Unless you're planning to blend up the clothes he bought and feed them to the baby or pay for milk with his spunk, he needs to pay up.

Pinkdelight3 · 02/10/2023 12:20

Do not have a private arrangement with him. Clearly he's not reliable in any way and your bar is way too low. Easy words and random purchases are not what parenting is about. Stick with the CMS and don't get suckered in by him. Feeling guilty is pointless. Crack on with looking after your DC and use your head in future or he'll take the piss and take advantage of your emotions.

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 12:25

If the new clothes etc are all new and fancy, also consider selling them.

Barney60 · 02/10/2023 12:27

Dont mention the money to him, just go direct to CM, him buying a few things does NOT make up for food ,heating ,care ect.
It was his choice to buy those items, it does not mean because he purchased a few things he doesn't have to pay, go direct to CM every time he misses a payment, if he asks just say nothing to do with you they chase it if he misses payment.
Regarding sleeping with him, no judgement, but be careful i think he presumes if hes sleeps with you he wont have to pay.

BoohooWoohoo · 02/10/2023 12:30

Did you break up with him because he was controlling by any chance?

He doesn't get a say in how you spend the child maintenance. Definitely unreasonable to assume that his "gifts" can be given to you instead of cash.

Pursue the claim and don't sleep with him any more.

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