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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still expect child maintenance?

69 replies

handsdown2 · 02/10/2023 10:24

Name change as I expect to be jumped on. I know I've been an idiot.

I have a baby less than a year old with ex dp, broke up before baby was born. He never helped with a single thing or bought anything for baby during the pregnancy or when baby here so I went to CMS.

He was angry about this.

Anyway, he paid the CMS first month. Said he wanted to be a better Dad and did want to help support baby. The past month he seemed to have been a different person and bought clothes and toys for baby which was a great change.

He also invited myself and baby an event on his side. We had a nice time and this is where I feel stupid, we slept together... I'm an idiot I know.

We haven't spoken about getting back together or rekindling, I'm not sure that I'd want that but I suppose naturally the feelings are still there somewhat as we have a young child together.

I said in regards to CMS that once trust is built up I would consider a private agreement between us but that it would take time.

But CMS was due last week and it hasn't been paid.

AIBU to think that it should still be paid?

Or would I be out of line asking him where it is given he's bought clothing for baby etc and also given I slept with him?

I'm so ashamed of myself.

For what it's worth, the items he's bought baby aren't things that were needed, baby has plenty of clothing and toys. They were fashion items that he wanted to dress baby in as he said baby needs to look cool.

I'm still on MAT leave and the child maintenance was going to be a huge help given I am on my own with her.

Prepared to be jumped on but I probably deserve it :(

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 02/10/2023 12:31

He has a responsibility to provide for the baby. (Who slept with who is irrelevant)

Chase cms. They're very slow so the sooner you get the ball rolling the better.

FinallyHere · 02/10/2023 12:33

LaurieFairyCake · 02/10/2023 11:37

"You've forgotten to send the Child maintenance through, send it asap so that I can pay the £1400 childcare bill in advance. Don't worry if you forget next month I will get the CMS to collect so you don't have to remember"

Neutral language, then disengage

I feel like now if I ask him why the child maintenance has not been paid he is going to ask me what I could possibly need this month as he has already got clothing/toys?

Which is exactly what he wants you to feel and also exactly why this suggested email is perfect

Just steel yourself as he may not be all that happy about not being able to rob you off with a few toys. And that is why CMS exists. It really is best for you and your DC

And give up that guilt.

Original poster

handsdown2 · 02/10/2023 12:34

@BoohooWoohoo yes he was controlling, he also cheated while I was pregnant.

When he became aware of the CMS claim and went mental about it he tried to say I must put it in a bank account in child's name so that I could not use it for myself and things like that...

OP posts:

Original poster

handsdown2 · 02/10/2023 12:37

He mentioned before that he had set up a direct debit for the child maintenance- so I could broach it will him and say I hadn't received anything and had there been an issue?

Just to give him a chance to respond and see if that's what he really thinks? (Well I bought baby x y z what else do they need right now?)

If I go straight to CMS does it not look a bit hostile?

OP posts:

Fupoffyagrasshole · 02/10/2023 12:37

block this guy honestly! and just peruse through the proper channels - he needs to be cut off from being able to contact you

he can take you to court if he wants access to see his child.

MrsSlocombesCat · 02/10/2023 12:41

My son has two daughters with his ex wife. He pays maintenance monthly and also buys clothes, contributes to school uniforms etc. Your ex is trying to manipulate you, don’t sleep with him again and go through CMS to get the maintenance paid.

whatchulookinatwillis · 02/10/2023 12:42

Unless you're saying your ex is a prostitute and he offered you sex In lieu of CMS payment and you accepted those terms, then the sex has nothing to do with him paying for his own child.

Go straight to CMS, do not pass go and do collect the £xxx he owes you.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 02/10/2023 12:52

If I go straight to CMS does it not look a bit hostile?

No it looks like you've had enough of being a doormat and accepting his bullshit and finally you're standing up for yourself.

Poppysmom22 · 02/10/2023 12:56

You aren't an idiot but you are being mugged off by this part. Go to the CMS or he will think anytime he doesn't feel like paying you will let him off and you give him sex too although I personally would find his lack of responsibility a massive turn off.

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 12:56

handsdown2 · 02/10/2023 12:37

He mentioned before that he had set up a direct debit for the child maintenance- so I could broach it will him and say I hadn't received anything and had there been an issue?

Just to give him a chance to respond and see if that's what he really thinks? (Well I bought baby x y z what else do they need right now?)

If I go straight to CMS does it not look a bit hostile?

Well, I think you're in a hostile situation anyway. But if he said he'd set up a direct debit, then I really don't understand why you can't just text him to say it hasn't come through and please can he check the direct debit. If he ignores you or starts attacking you - you have a definitive answer that he's a shit who doesn't want to pay and you can go straight to CMS for this and future issues.

In the unlikely even that he responds with, "oops, not sure what happened, alls sorted". then great.

But the former is more likely I'm afraid. Wha you need to learn is that NOTHING you do will change his responses EXCEPT for you to stop asking or expecting anything of or from him. As that is not practical, there is no point in attempting to appease him.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 02/10/2023 12:56

What baby needs is food, safe and secure housing, nappies, wipes, nappy rash cream, clean water, basic clothing, somewhere safe to sleep like a cot or crib, a safe car seat, age appropriate pram or baby carrier. In terms of clothing needs, all a baby really needs is maybe 10 plain baby grows, a few singlets and a jumper or two, thick pants if it's cold. He hadn't provided for any of his child's needs this month. His CMS is supposed to be his contribution to those things his child needs in life, who cares about designer threads, no child needs those. CMS is the minimum legal contribution a parent has to make, it really is the very least he can do.

Heelenahandbasket · 02/10/2023 12:58

Don’t blame yourself- tell him to pay his child maintenance and if he doesn’t, go to CMS. Don’t be so hard on yourself

SausageAndEggSandwich · 02/10/2023 13:02

Honestly @handsdown2 who cares if it looks hostile

You have to stop giving a shit what your DD's dad thinks about anything. It's none of his business. As long as you're polite, that's all that is required in interacting with him. Managing his emotions is not your job any more. If he kicks off, so what.

You're behind a locked door, in your own house, he doesn't have any right to dictate what happens in your own household any more.

He wants you to feel bad about asking for the bare minimum for a child. Ask yourself what kind of man would do that? A shit one. So his opinions are irrelevant.

Ponderingwindow · 02/10/2023 13:03

The amount he pays to cms is the absolute minimum he is allowed to get away with spending on his child. He is free to buy additional items on top of that or even give you more money. Most parents want to provide more than a subsistence lifestyle for their children if they possible can.

eventually He may even have his own custody time. During that time he is responsible for providing everything the child needs, like clothing and food, even though he is also paying maintenance.

Original poster

handsdown2 · 02/10/2023 13:05

Thank you all for giving me a little laugh with some of the comments

I definitely don't think I'm a prostitute although I'm pretty ashamed of myself and feel like I've let my baby down!

He's not the most reasonable person which is why I think he wouldn't understand what else baby could possibly need besides what he has "kindly" provided this month...

I've told him before what the childcare bill will be when I return to work and he told me it is my own doing as I should let his parents look after baby... however they live almost 2 hours away! He doesn't see how it's unreasonable to expect me to drive baby 2 hours to his parents, back 2 hrs to work, and then do the same every evening!!!! I would be absolutely exhausted doing that, his parents won't drive here either which is fine.

OP posts:

SauronsArsehole · 02/10/2023 13:06

If he has been controlling whilst you were in a relationship you must tell the CMs that he is controlling and that’s why you left.

there are procedures they have in place so you won’t be forced into a private agreement because of his behaviour.

let them know it’s not being paid.

Thisisme23 · 02/10/2023 13:19

What @LaurieFairyCake said is the perfect solution to this. It gives him the chance to rectify the situation and pay the CMS - but makes it very clear you will no longer be taken as a push over.
You sleeping with him has nothing to do with this - and stop beating yourself up about that hundreds of people sleep with their ex's.

If he still doesn't pay up - then deffo go straight to CMS Dont engage with him any more than absolutely necessary.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 02/10/2023 13:26

Challenge him over the non-payment of CMS and don't entertain any kind of 'private arrangement', because you can't rely on him to pay unless under compulsion. There is nothing to stop him transferring you extra monies if he wants to. And it's better if you don't sleep with him or have more than the bare minimum of contact with him. Not because it's wrong, but because it gives him opportunities to get inside your head.

Psychonabike · 02/10/2023 13:27

The fact that you are unsure how to approach him should tell you everything you need to know about your relationship.

He's controlling, he thinks he gets a say in how the money should be spent, he buys things to make your child look like a cool accessory...what more do you need.

Stick with CMS. Pursue any non-payments. Stop talking to him about what you spend the money on.

beAsensible1 · 02/10/2023 13:32

handsdown2 · 02/10/2023 12:37

He mentioned before that he had set up a direct debit for the child maintenance- so I could broach it will him and say I hadn't received anything and had there been an issue?

Just to give him a chance to respond and see if that's what he really thinks? (Well I bought baby x y z what else do they need right now?)

If I go straight to CMS does it not look a bit hostile?

no. it looks like you are requesting the contractually agreed amount for your childs upkeep.

Stop letting him manipulate you, he doesn't care it's all a ruse. Just get on with it.

Kazplus2 · 02/10/2023 13:35

You don't need to give him a breakdown of where the money goes. Just keep emotions out of it. You can send a basic reminder that the payment has not gone through but he does not get to question you on why you need it or what you will spend it. You are not a couple. You manage your own money how you see fit and that includes any payment from him. Anything he chooses to spend on his child separate from his CMS payment is his business. You can suggest you keep the clothes he bought for when your child spends time with him if it bothers him so much.

YokoOnosBigHat · 02/10/2023 13:37

handsdown2 · 02/10/2023 11:55

I don't think child maintenance is optional. I'm just blaming myself here.

When he turned up with things for baby I did say baby didn't need clothing etc and that he didn't need to buy those things but he said "I've got a lot of making up to do towards you both".

I feel like now if I ask him why the child maintenance has not been paid he is going to ask me what I could possibly need this month as he has already got clothing/toys?

What a line from him! And no wonder it worked as you're- by your own admission- vulnerable. Creepy bastard. He's seen an opportunity for a shag and taken it... AND then not paid the CM. Prick.

Ontheperiphery79 · 02/10/2023 13:40

A shag with an ex does not equate to one month's CMS, so no, he doesn't have a get out clause because he bought baby some chav clothes and spunked up.

This guy has really done a number on you in terms of eroding your self-esteem and I'd really encourage you to contact CMS and report non-payment.

CMS takes money directly from my ex, then transfers it to me.

Original poster

handsdown2 · 02/10/2023 13:49

I wonder if he reads mumsnet because I've strangely just had a message from him apologising that he hasn't paid yet and saying he has a cash flow issue that he is sorting and will pay asap...

OP posts:

Finteq · 02/10/2023 13:56

handsdown2 · 02/10/2023 13:49

I wonder if he reads mumsnet because I've strangely just had a message from him apologising that he hasn't paid yet and saying he has a cash flow issue that he is sorting and will pay asap...

What does he mean by ASAP.

It could mean weeks pr never.

If you're feeling generous give him 24 hours and then go straight to the CMS

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