To still expect child maintenance?

[handsdown2]

Name change as I expect to be jumped on. I know I've been an idiot.

I have a baby less than a year old with ex dp, broke up before baby was born. He never helped with a single thing or bought anything for baby during the pregnancy or when baby here so I went to CMS.

He was angry about this.

Anyway, he paid the CMS first month. Said he wanted to be a better Dad and did want to help support baby. The past month he seemed to have been a different person and bought clothes and toys for baby which was a great change.

He also invited myself and baby an event on his side. We had a nice time and this is where I feel stupid, we slept together... I'm an idiot I know.

We haven't spoken about getting back together or rekindling, I'm not sure that I'd want that but I suppose naturally the feelings are still there somewhat as we have a young child together.

I said in regards to CMS that once trust is built up I would consider a private agreement between us but that it would take time.

But CMS was due last week and it hasn't been paid.

AIBU to think that it should still be paid?

Or would I be out of line asking him where it is given he's bought clothing for baby etc and also given I slept with him?

I'm so ashamed of myself.

For what it's worth, the items he's bought baby aren't things that were needed, baby has plenty of clothing and toys. They were fashion items that he wanted to dress baby in as he said baby needs to look cool.

I'm still on MAT leave and the child maintenance was going to be a huge help given I am on my own with her.

Prepared to be jumped on but I probably deserve it :(

"Baby needs to look cool" !!!!!

Yet he won't contribute readily to keeping her warm etc
Sweet divine Jesus.
You got yourself a right charmer there.

Good advice.

Phone cms and report a missed payment

@LadyEloise1 I think his view is that I paid for all my bills in the house before baby so why would it be any different now?

I'm on statutory maternity pay, looking after OUR child so obviously my situation is hugely different...

Good advice from everyone, thank you

And it's true, asap could mean tomorrow or never.

I might just give a couple of days and then report if no joy.

I can't just tell her that I've got cash flow issues and not buy her milk...

er, sex has absolutely nothing to do with child maintenance. separate those two things entirely, dont even think about them in the same thought. it really doesn't matter what your or his choices are or what is going on between the two of you at all - your child deserves the support they need. your child still needs food, a warm home, and a good life. be polite to him but get the money through whatever means you can. this is about your child.

It really doesn't matter WHY he hasn't paid it so don't bother asking. Fact is, he hasn't paid it and he must.

He'll sucker you into heaven knows what if you open a conversation with him, you know he'll get you to think anything/everything is reasonable no matter what. Don't put yourself through it.

Just go to CMS, report non-payment.

If he kicks off then et a payg sim; switch the numbers so your current number is on the payg. Don't tell him, (but do tell all the people you want to be in contact with what the new number is!). Put the payg sim in a drawer. Only get it out once a week or once a month.

Email: make a subfolder called Jerk or Arse or Twat. Find how to make filters/rules on all your mail clients and set up a new one that moves anything from his email address straight into the new subfolder uopon opening the app/programme/whatever. Only look at that folder once a week/month. Call it Twaturday or something "oh it's Twaturday, I'd better check emails and texts". Twaturday could be anything from once a week to once a year depending on how Twattish he is.

Carry on with your life as normal.

Go for maintenance. Buying stuff he fancies isn't looking after a baby financially. It's playing Disney dad.

Your relationship with your ex and his responsibilities to his child are two separate things. Of course he should have paid maintenance and I suspect he thinks that because he invited you and you slept together that you won’t keep pushing. Keep pushing.

Yea I just feel like a mug. I won't be sleeping with him again. I knew it was a mistake immediately.

All the comments are correct. And he does care more about what baby looks like than a lot of other things.

I hope he pays and there isn't any more problems but we will see.

Still nothing from him.

I'm down to statutory mat pay so things are tight and I did really need his contribution towards his child.

He has no overnights with baby (his choice and he also has a housemate now so says unsuitable as baby would disturb him).

I'll give him til tomorrow then report. Just so frustrating I shouldn't have to do this :(

Let us know if he pays

Just go via cams, report that it's not been paid you can inform them if/when he pays.

It's not aggressive to do this, it's aggressive that he hasn't paid.

@handsdown2

If I go straight to CMS does it not look a bit hostile?

OP it doesn't matter if it looks hostile - your child is your priority here - anyway to whom? He's the one being hostile as he's still manipulating you.

Please take the advice you've been given here and go direct to CMS so they can handle this. Do not allow him to get under your skin or give him opportunities to control you further.

Also I'm assuming you are also claiming child benefit which will give you an additional small but useful sum and also assists you with NI Credits towards your state pension.

www.gov.uk/child-benefit
🌹

The fact that you slept with him is so irrelevant - did having sex with him magically mean you didn’t need to support your child for a week? No? Then why would it for him?

Don’t beat yourself up over it, we all make mistakes and there’s far worse ones than sleeping with a dickhead, I’m sure many women are ‘guilty’ of that! Don’t let him think you’re someone to be fucked with in anyway, ever again.

He has paid now, which is a relief.

Thank you all so much for the really good advice, I'm gonna give my head a wobble after this. I need to be strong for my child.

My husband buys his kids presents and pays half towards uniforms/school trips/clubs. He doesn’t ask for a ‘reduction’ in maintenance as these things are an extra and he feels they are his responsibility. CM is the minimum payable and if your ex wants to buy her extra clothes then that’s his choice. He still has to pay the legal minimum, like it or lump it.

That's great he's paid @handsdown2

Lesson learned.
Unless you want to get back with him.

@CrazyHamsterLady your husband sounds like a very fair person.

@LadyEloise1 I definitely do not want to get back with him, I'll never get over some of the awful things he has done to me and the way I was treated while pregnant.

I just got caught up in the nice feelings of feeling like a family. So I'm glad this has happened because it's reminded me he's manipulative and he will never be reliable.

I think he may be done to whole "sorry it's late, cash flow issue" message to see if I responded with "it's all good, you don't need to pay it"...