Really struggling with life and feel like a failure

[strugggling]

I have a young baby and ended things with his Dad when I was pregnant. Sometimes I regret it but other times I am glad I was strong enough to walk away. He has no interest in our baby and it hurts a lot. I have claimed cms which he pays but has no interest in his care. I am finding it so hard to function everyday. I feel like ds is bored and lonely. I am dreading going back to work in a couple of weeks. I will use a day of holiday a week for the first 4 months but I won’t have any time to myself still. I work from home a lot and I’m hoping to do washing etc on lunch hours and a bit of cleaning but I am so fed up. There’s no time to enjoy anything ever. Life is a struggle. I don’t know why I’m posting really. Feel worried about the future, ds will probably ask where his dad is, I won’t know how to answer it. I won’t meet anyone new now as I literally have no time. I will struggle again this year to pay for heating. I can’t claim child benefit as I’m just on the threshold. I am probably going to be in debt paying for nursery. None of this is how I thought my life would look. I have no free childcare as parents always travelling. How am I supposed to do this for the next 17 years? And probably longer.

I’ve not heard of this. What’s the stipulations? I must say I find it all to be very confusing

https://www.gov.uk/tax-free-childcare

It is tough. I very much recharge by being on my own and I found having a small child very hard going - they're so all-encompassing. And I had a partner who was happy to give me a break.

I think you'll find being back at work will help. The peace when you get back home from drop off and can just open your laptop and use your brain is such a relief! Definitely consider a childminder to save a bit of money, or if you've found a good nursery ask if any of the staff babysit as they often do, and you'll get to know them which feels less scary. One of my son's old keyworkers babysits for us.

Use your lunchbreaks to get some fresh air or do something for you - I love a quick drive to the garden centre or do a nearby cafe. As your child gets older they'll sleep better and you'll have more free time and be less tired.

I earn close to what you do and money would have been extremely tight if I'd been a single parent when my son was in nursery. I worked out on days I was commuting into London I earned about £10. High mortgage, high nursery fees, and you've got debt too - I completely understand the struggle. 50k sounds like a lot but it's not in an expensive area.

@strugggling hope you understand why I’ve asked about figures as they’ve changed the picture completely. I can’t give a very detailed advice, just wait a bit, it gets easier.
I agree with @Tohaveandtohold it’s about being squeezed middle, it’s much harder then it looks as there are certain expectations e.g car but not much help and the electricity bill will be the same for one person in the room or for 3. I hope you’ll get some advice regarding cost of childcare and what you are entitled to. It will get easier and it won’t be like this forever, get any advice you can and any help you entitled to. And remember that kids are not bothered about expensive activities, simple and free is fine.

@pizzaHeart yes I understand. Thank you for posting. I’m just having such a low day and feel everything is a massive struggle. The loneliness with it all is so crushing.

@strugggling
Easier said than done but befriending other single parents was a godsend for me.
I also had a really supportive family nearby but appreciate this may differ for you.
I'm sorry you're so lonely--can you contact to a friend to come over for a cup of coffee or glass of wine? Someone you can have a good talk with? Hugs, OP.

Claim cb until April. If you have been on ml unlikely ti be over the threshold for this tax year. Even if you were you would not repay until January 2025.

I’m so sorry you are so low. What would be the best support we can give you right now? Not everything is about money.

It might be worth asking your health visitor if there are any support organisations in the area like Homestart, who could provide a volunteer to help out for a couple of hours, On your day off work or weekend it would be worth finding a group or activity to get you out of the house regularly.

Your child will get older and get more involved and the two of you will have more fun together than you ever thought possible! Everyone finds it all hard but you’ve been beaten down too so of course you can’t see any breaks. Your ds will not be bored, you are his life and any smile, playtime, walks etc you have with him, they’re all he ever wants. Try and do anything nice for yourself tonight, a treat of any kind and try to enjoy any time with your son. We all forget that but. Go easy on yourself and so t be looking 17 years into the future, we never know what life can hold x

I'm sorry you’re struggling and parenthood hasn’t worked as you had hoped.

Try not to worry about long term though- anyone with older children will tell you that it feels like the days are long but the years are short when they are little.

I agree re trying to find other parents in a similar situation. Is there any free or low cost play groups you could go to until you are back at work? Any baby classes for weekends when you are off work?

As an aside, have you thought about getting any counselling. IAPT is self referral in my area so you don’t need to go to the dr or anything and can often do over the phone or on zoom. It may help your feelings of hopelessness.

i reduced child care costs by working condensed hours so essentially full time but in 4 days rather than 5? Might this be an option?

you say your parents are always travelling- just wondering if they may be able to help financially if not practically? Could they pay off your debt or car finance? Even if you pay them back after your dc gets some free hours at nursery.

Good luck op, the early years can feel relentless but it does get easier and you find you have time to breathe.

I didn’t intend to cause any offence.

What I find insensitive is that people in deep financial distress who post on MN are mocked, belittled and accused of being profligate if they earn whatever is considered to be a ‘high’ income by some people without taking their individual circumstances into account.

There are always race to the bottom type responses along the lines of “how dare you complain, I have to survive on £13k..”

I truly do not mean to cause upset but I’m being factual. I live in an area where nursery fees are about £2200 for a FT place, average rent £1850 for a 1 bed flat (£3k for a family home). If you earn £50k, have a child and rent you are on a low income relative to the average around here and could easily find yourself struggling to put food on the table.

Obviously it’s a completely different story in other parts of the country and I do not think £50k in and of itself is a low wage.

What I find insensitive is that people in deep financial distress who post on MN are mocked, belittled and accused of being profligate if they earn whatever is considered to be a ‘high’ income by some people without taking their individual circumstances into account

I agree with this.

I truly do not mean to cause upset but I’m being factual. I live in an area where nursery fees are about £2200 for a FT place, average rent £1850 for a 1 bed flat (£3k for a family home). If you earn £50k, have a child and rent you are on a low income relative to the average around here and could easily find yourself struggling to put food on the table

Sorry but I’m absolutely not going to accept that an income of 50k constitutes “poverty wages” in any part of the country. here’s some data on the median household income by London borough from 2019, obviously it is a few years out of date, so will be a little higher now .

https://www.towerhamlets.gov.uk/Documents/Borough_statistics/Income_poverty_and_welfare/Household_Income_2018_Factsheet.pdf

Oh ok. I’ve only lived in London my entire life, pay a mortgage and have raised my children here so have no real understanding of the cost of housing, childcare etc.

A fact sheet showing the median wage 4 years ago clearly trumps my lived experience 😂

A fact sheet showing the median wage 4 years ago clearly trumps my lived experience 😂

Well yes it does, because it describes actual, objective facts about what most people actually earn/live on, rather than your subjective experience/impressions of what constitutes "poverty wages" (the latter being a function of relative privilege/disadvantage).

(PS I also have lived in London for the last two decades, have children and a mortgage).

I've always lived in London and £50,000 seems a enormous wage to me and most people I know locally.

That doesn't mean it's not difficult to live on it if you're single and have high housing costs and other essential expenses. I suppose it's more that there's possibly (not always) more scope for choice on that kind of income, so people on it aren't usually trapped in poverty in the way those on more average incomes might be.

Are you sure you can't claim child benefit. Are you over the threshold after deducting pension?