Really struggling with life and feel like a failure

[strugggling]

I have a young baby and ended things with his Dad when I was pregnant. Sometimes I regret it but other times I am glad I was strong enough to walk away. He has no interest in our baby and it hurts a lot. I have claimed cms which he pays but has no interest in his care. I am finding it so hard to function everyday. I feel like ds is bored and lonely. I am dreading going back to work in a couple of weeks. I will use a day of holiday a week for the first 4 months but I won’t have any time to myself still. I work from home a lot and I’m hoping to do washing etc on lunch hours and a bit of cleaning but I am so fed up. There’s no time to enjoy anything ever. Life is a struggle. I don’t know why I’m posting really. Feel worried about the future, ds will probably ask where his dad is, I won’t know how to answer it. I won’t meet anyone new now as I literally have no time. I will struggle again this year to pay for heating. I can’t claim child benefit as I’m just on the threshold. I am probably going to be in debt paying for nursery. None of this is how I thought my life would look. I have no free childcare as parents always travelling. How am I supposed to do this for the next 17 years? And probably longer.

In your shoes, I'd reduced a 1-2 days per week officially for 1-2 years. This will take some stress off and help you cope. Full time with a small baby, doing day and night care, is gruelling. It may also bring you under the 50K threshold for CHB. Increase your pension contributions also.

Look at tax free or UC for childcare on P/T income.
I also second the childminder advice--tends to be cheaper and may be more flexible with hours or ad hoc babysitting when needed.

OP, my DC's father has zero involvement since she was 5 days old. I have a happy, well-adjusted child who has asked about her father 1-2 times in her life, out of curiosity, as her friends have dads. I am very open with her and we are able to talk about him but there is no emotional connection for her. She does not miss what she has never had and she is aware families come in all shapes and sizes.:)

IMO, it is worse for children who have an 'in and out' parent throughout their lives than a parent who has been fully absent from early on.

@Rochnutty oh, no I’ve lived here years. I have lots of friends nearby but they are in relationships, working, have their own problems. They won’t pay my bills or look after my ds regularly and I don’t expect that

Hope you do, it takes minutes to set up. Also maybe self refer to money management scheme, see if you can get any support to strim any bills etc.

Also my two older sons were pretty independent aged 11-12 so don't have the age 17 stuck in your mind.

@DamnUserName21 thanks. What did you say to her? I often stay awake worrying about this. I just feel on my own in all aspects of life. Because I am I guess.

@newwings thanks I will try and set this up tonight if I get chance!! That could make a big difference

But he'll be away from you 4 days a week? Trust me it will feel different. Use your lunch breaks when you're WFH to do things just for you. Take peaceful walks, watch trash TV, have a bath - whatever you dream of doing right now if you had an hour to yourself.

Is your job very stressful?

@DamnUserName21 do you claim cms? DS’s dad says that’s why he doesn’t see him as I use him for financial support! It’s been awful.

@Housenoob thanks. It is quite stressful I’m not sure I could have a bath etc but I guess I could do a short walk I hadn’t thought of that

You’ve asked multiple times. She doesn’t have to share this information. It seems to me that she’s looking for emotional support.

It’s tough. Ignore the comments from the clairvoyants on here who know your income and outgoings and say you won’t/shouldn’t struggle. Even if you are on £50k…where I live that is essentially poverty wages when you take into account average housing and childcare costs.

These early years fly back. I know this doesn’t help you in the moment and you are probably rolling your eyes at my simplistic statement but it is true. Blink and your little one will be starting school and as they get older it gets easier. Still challenges but you will start to get more time to yourself.

Rochnutty · Today 16:00

strugggling · Today 15:52

@pizzaHeart my mortgage is 800. I work from home except twice a month which costs me 70 quid. Childcare is 1,300. Student loans is 300. I have credit card debt interest free which is 110 a month. Car finance of 220. I can’t afford any help.
Sorry I see

So what do buy groceries with? Petrol? Utilities? Clothing? Etc

• She must be using her CMS payment of £350 for that.

Honestly, look at a childminder. They do tax free too and often a big support to families. It's not too late. Are you close to paying off the debt or car?

@strugggling
I can't remember exactly but I was very factual. He lived abroad, was older and had older children. I think I said he did not know how to have a relationship with her being overseas and he was a kind man to help me make her.

I never pushed for contact with her father either although I would have been receptive if he'd shown consistent interest. You are either interested or you're not, in my view.

It really wasn't a big deal for her and, I'm pretty sure, it's because he has never been in her life. She's never lacked for love and attention from my family and I.
I have a few single parent friends, some have good co-parenting relationships and some are horrendous. 'In and out' fathers really mess with their children's heads.

OP is struggling and I agree that she deserves empathy and support not people on the internet nitpicking about her finances.

But please, please, please don’t say things like this : “Even if you are on £50k…where I live that is essentially poverty wages”, it’s so so so insensitive.

@strugggling , no CMS. He lives abroad in a country that has no reciprocal child support agreement. He has never contributed and I have never asked him because I feel he would have used it as form of control and abuse.

OP I’m so sorry to hear you are having a rough time. It will get easier. The crazy child care expenses are only for a couple of yrs (before 30 hrs kicks in) and the tax free child care will help. Your little one will get easier and less dependent. You will have time to yourself again. You may find returning to work is a relief. It will give you some space, and a sense of yourself as an independent human again. Most jobs are also far more relaxing/ less taxing than looking after a baby/ toddler, so work hours should feel like a bit of rest bite as well. At least that’s how it was for me xx

Tax free childcare will give you around £400 on those childcare costs - have a look at what else you can reduce to give you a bit of wiggle room. I know things feel very tight but you’re buying a house, which is a great asset to have and putting a chunk of money into a pension. By any means you’re far from poor, despite your disposable income being tight just now.

Sit down and cost everything out, plan things like meals and spending, look for cheaper childcare options. You have very little in the way of commuting costs - do you need to run a car just now? There’s a way through it but just now you’ll not be able to see it. Who gives you emotional support? That’s often what makes things much harder.

I know you posted about emotional and practical struggles.

But someone else mentioned above about child benefits. Are you aware that the rules are that the tapering off of the amount of cv received is 50 AFTER pension contributions.

So if you earn 52,000. And pay 5% pension. So 2600 per annum. Then your income before tax but after pension is less then 50k so you are eligible for the full amount of child benefit.

You still can get SOME all the way up to 60k. Have you put your figures into the calculator? Its not a hard cut off point at 50k.

It sounds tough. But being back at work will give you some physical and mental space from your child. And you can evaluate where you go from there. Things do get easier.

It's natural to feel like it's relentless and forever when you're on your own with a baby, even a beautiful, much-loved baby, day and night.

It does change though, quite quickly, and it should get easier especially if you're able to make a few small changes like the suggestions above. I think using your lunch break for a bath/walk/chat with a friend (try trusting a friend or two about how you're in need of some company and distraction) is really important. Also, a childminder might be able to give you a little time after work to wind down also. Cutting a day of work a week, if it's possible, could make a big difference, though of course that might not be possible.

I sit with an electric blanket or hot water bottle when seeing clients online at home. But remember it's only while your childcare expenses are so high. It will get easier.

In the meantime, small steps to find social support and rest for yourself can make all the difference.

Also. The child benefit calculation are done on tax years.

So if you go back to work in November. You may be eligible until the the start of the new tax year in April. As your mat leave may have taken your average earnings under for this tax year if lower then normal?

It will get easier!!!!