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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should cut down on his hobby for his sons sake?

73 replies

Friarclose · 01/10/2023 09:55

Bit of background--

I have DS13, DSS14 and DSS10.

DSS's are here EOW and come one night in the week for their tea.

DH and DSS14 are major supporters of the local football team. DH bought them both season tickets.

Consequently, most weekends they go to games, which means they're gone for up to 6 or 7 hours at a time. They also go to away games whenever they can too, on coach. Yesterday for example they left at 4am and didn't get home until 10pm.

During all this football, DSS10 is left with me. Now don't get me wrong I love him dearly, but he's a handful. He's one of those dc who need constant stimulation and a eye on him at all times. DS13 is really good and plays with him often but he's also at the age where he wants to game online with his friends or go to the park with them and DSS10 cannot be trusted to tag along.

I work ft and I like to relax at the weekend and it's impossible with DH gone all the time. Plus although he's never said it, I'm sure DSS10 must feel left out. It means that some months DH only sees DSS10 for 2 days. He doesn't want to go with them though as he's travel sick.

Last night when DH got home i said to him he's BU and that he needs to understand that DSS10 will be feeling second best even if he doesn't show it, plus it means that if I want to do something I either have to take DSS10 with me or I can't do anything. DH says he's not missing any games because it's his and DSS14s passion.

AIBU?

OP posts:
cansu · 01/10/2023 10:00

No you are not. Why does his hobby trump anything you want to do? The away games should be missed. Once a fortnight football is enough at least until dss can be left.

Meeting · 01/10/2023 10:03

Your DH is an arse. What's the point in the other son even coming over? Does he ever do anything with the rest of his family? No way would I put up with this

JezzJazz333 · 01/10/2023 10:04

Does he know what his DS10's passion is?

Original poster
Friarclose · 01/10/2023 10:06

Thanks for confirming I'm not BU!

DSS10 loves roblox and that kind of thing, however he has asked DH if he can go running with him sometimes (DH is a runner) he said no cos he won't be able to keep up but I have suggested he go on a slower run with DSS10.

OP posts:
Fleabane · 01/10/2023 10:08

Friarclose · 01/10/2023 10:06

Thanks for confirming I'm not BU!

DSS10 loves roblox and that kind of thing, however he has asked DH if he can go running with him sometimes (DH is a runner) he said no cos he won't be able to keep up but I have suggested he go on a slower run with DSS10.

How unkind

PepsiCoco · 01/10/2023 10:09

YANBU
You DH needs to stop the away games. Seeing his sons every other weekend is really poor at the best of times but then to go out all day is ridiculous.
Getting travel sick is one thing but that doesn’t account for why he doesn’t have a season ticket too.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 01/10/2023 10:11

I wonder why the relationship with his sons' mother broke down Grin.

He isn't going to change OP, he's probably let his selfishness ruin one relationship already. He's making himself feel better about it this time by roping in his son too so he can pass it off as father son time rather than selfishness.

It is still selfish though, and he will continue to prioritise his needs and wants over any partners and his sons.

Sirzy · 01/10/2023 10:11

Rather than cutting back on time with the elder son he needs to make time to go running or whatever with his youngest.

ChilliPixie · 01/10/2023 10:11

He's a twat and damn unreasonable. He has 2 children, they both deserve his attention and time.

NuffSaidSam · 01/10/2023 10:12

I'd say, 'ok, that's fine, but I'm not doing your childcare so you'll need to find somewhere else for DSS on those days'.

I couldn't tolerate this level of football fandom (or any sort of fandom) in an adult man, it's so deeply off-putting.

Doopydoo · 01/10/2023 10:12

Your husband sounds selfish and horrible.
Not even willing to take the youngest on a little run to so something he enjoys.
I wouldn’t be happy him expecting to curtail your days off by having to look after the youngest no matter how much you love him.
Ask him what would he do if you weren’t there to do that!

PerfectMatch · 01/10/2023 10:12

YANBU and your DH sounds incredibly selfish. He needs to remember that he has two sons (and a step son), not just one. At the very least he needs to stop going to away games, home games only. I think I'd say that is non negotiable.

PinkDeer · 01/10/2023 10:12

Yanbu. Your dss10 is there to see his dad, not you.your partner needs to be looking after him and spending time with him.

CapEBarra · 01/10/2023 10:13

That’s mad. Contact time is for him to spend time with both his sons, not pawn one off on you. Does he look after you DS ever?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/10/2023 10:13

"Well, as of today you'll have to make alternative arrangements as I'm not prepared to support your clear favouritism towards your eldest so I'm not babysitting your youngest while, yet again, you and eldest exclude him"

margotrose · 01/10/2023 10:14

Your DH sounds horrible. Imagine being 10 and knowing your dad can't be arsed to spend any time with you.

CountingDownTheHours · 01/10/2023 10:14

Does your dh connect with the younger son at all? Or do you think he feels because he isn't into football, he's not worth spending time with? I'm just wondering whether your dh just plain favours the older one because they share a passion, so doesn't have any incentive to spend time with the younger one because he doesn't share his interests?

BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2023 10:14

I speak as a very passionate football fan. YANBU.

Meeting · 01/10/2023 10:15

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/10/2023 10:13

"Well, as of today you'll have to make alternative arrangements as I'm not prepared to support your clear favouritism towards your eldest so I'm not babysitting your youngest while, yet again, you and eldest exclude him"

Absolutely this. You're facilitating it, whether that's willingly or not.

Quartz2208 · 01/10/2023 10:16

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/10/2023 10:13

"Well, as of today you'll have to make alternative arrangements as I'm not prepared to support your clear favouritism towards your eldest so I'm not babysitting your youngest while, yet again, you and eldest exclude him"

Exactly - your relationship with your own son is suffering and you never see your partner.

Coffeaddict · 01/10/2023 10:18

Friarclose · 01/10/2023 10:06

Thanks for confirming I'm not BU!

DSS10 loves roblox and that kind of thing, however he has asked DH if he can go running with him sometimes (DH is a runner) he said no cos he won't be able to keep up but I have suggested he go on a slower run with DSS10.

That poor kid he's just trying to connect with dad.

YANBU he needs to pull his thumb out oflr he will lose his relationship with his younger son.

For context DP loves football but DSS has no interest in it and our younger kids are too young. So football games are a very occasional affair ie a couple of times a year while the kids are young.

He basically saying older brother is the favourite because he likes what I like

MintJulia · 01/10/2023 10:19

Friarclose · 01/10/2023 10:06

Thanks for confirming I'm not BU!

DSS10 loves roblox and that kind of thing, however he has asked DH if he can go running with him sometimes (DH is a runner) he said no cos he won't be able to keep up but I have suggested he go on a slower run with DSS10.

Somehow, you appear to have married a selfish inconsiderate shit. And a crap father.

Poor DSS10. No wonder he is a handful with his dad showing such blatant favouritism.

I think I'd arrange to visit family next time the dss come to stay. Your DH will have to parent both his sons. And I'd keep doing it for the entire season.. Don't ask him, TELL him.

wildwestpioneer · 01/10/2023 10:24

YANBU you are being used as the default childminder whilst he does his hobby. It's completely unfair on his younger ds and you!

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/10/2023 10:26

I couldn't respect man like this.

Of course he's a faster runner than a 10-year-old for fuck's sake!

His older son will realise that the only way to get his dads attention is to keep up the passion for the game. If his older son starts to be interested in something else, his dad will still go to the game anyway.

I think you have married somebody who is absolutely selfish.

crumblingschools · 01/10/2023 10:30

Do the brothers get on? Does he not notice his brother isn’t included in anything?

Your DH is in the wrong though.