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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should cut down on his hobby for his sons sake?

73 replies

Friarclose · 01/10/2023 09:55

Bit of background--

I have DS13, DSS14 and DSS10.

DSS's are here EOW and come one night in the week for their tea.

DH and DSS14 are major supporters of the local football team. DH bought them both season tickets.

Consequently, most weekends they go to games, which means they're gone for up to 6 or 7 hours at a time. They also go to away games whenever they can too, on coach. Yesterday for example they left at 4am and didn't get home until 10pm.

During all this football, DSS10 is left with me. Now don't get me wrong I love him dearly, but he's a handful. He's one of those dc who need constant stimulation and a eye on him at all times. DS13 is really good and plays with him often but he's also at the age where he wants to game online with his friends or go to the park with them and DSS10 cannot be trusted to tag along.

I work ft and I like to relax at the weekend and it's impossible with DH gone all the time. Plus although he's never said it, I'm sure DSS10 must feel left out. It means that some months DH only sees DSS10 for 2 days. He doesn't want to go with them though as he's travel sick.

Last night when DH got home i said to him he's BU and that he needs to understand that DSS10 will be feeling second best even if he doesn't show it, plus it means that if I want to do something I either have to take DSS10 with me or I can't do anything. DH says he's not missing any games because it's his and DSS14s passion.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Livinghappy · 01/10/2023 12:34

And I will also ensure that DH takes DSS10 with him on a run too

Why are you having to take responsibility for a dad to spend time with his child?

I'm sure you will say he has good points but your H is extremely selfish. I imagine he didn't put his passion aside when his sons were young which must have impacted his first marriage.

Just makes me angry how men like him can be so selfish and yet not have any feelings of guilt. What if you said you were not around for the next away game? My guess is he would farm his son out to someone else, perhaps the exwife or get angry with you for not providing childcare.

Financially are you dependant on him?

Original poster

Friarclose · 01/10/2023 16:27

So I have an update.

DH was actually very understanding about it, he said he had been so glad to have common ground with DSS14 that he'd got carried away with it. I pointed out how it must make DSS10 feel. He did take this on board and has promised to take DSS10 for a run next time he's here. He's also agreed to only 1 away game every 2 months, which I am OK with. He's also installed a roblox account of his own and has been playing online with DSS10 today and I can hear how happy DSS10 is over facetime to play with him. We also had a family day planned at a castle at the end of the month which originally DH had said might not go ahead due to football however I've said absolutely no football that day and he's agreed!

Small steps. Tbh I thought he'd be more resistant to change so he must be feeling guilty about it himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Friarclose · 01/10/2023 16:32

Financially yes I am dependent on him. It definitely takes two incomes to afford our mortgage. He isn't a horrible person, he's just sometimes really shortsighted especially where football is concerned. I've been in my DSSs lives since they were 18 months and 5 respectfully so we've been a family for a long time and before DSS14 started getting into football it was fine.

OP posts:

moonshinepoursthroughmywindow · 01/10/2023 17:16

I like your update: he sounds like he's not completely useless, just thoughtless and willing to learn.

Obviously this is not a full solution to the underlying problem, but something that crossed my mind is: could you run with DSS sometimes? I have no idea how fast/slow/fit/unfit you are but am just extrapolating from what it's like in my own family.

Sirzy · 01/10/2023 17:49

That sounds brilliant! Hopefully it works out for you all

GabriellaMontez · 01/10/2023 17:51

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/10/2023 10:13

"Well, as of today you'll have to make alternative arrangements as I'm not prepared to support your clear favouritism towards your eldest so I'm not babysitting your youngest while, yet again, you and eldest exclude him"

This would be totally reasonable.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 01/10/2023 17:53

Great update. So glad he is putting effort into his younger child too! Was it also not unfair on you too though. Did he recognise that also? To just assume you will look after his child while he’s off having 121 time?

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2023 19:18

If he's agreed to a set amount of away games, does that mean he's still planning to be gone all day at non away games every weekend?

PixieLaLar · 02/10/2023 08:13

It doesn’t sound like much is going to change from your update. On the surface you think oh great he’s really taking this on board but if you break it down he’s only
agreed to go on one run with DSS10 next time he’s there and a set amount of away games.

What about ALL the other games that you said are most weekends and means he’s gone for 6-7 hours? So is DSS10 still going to stay round those weekends and your expected to entertain him? Nah sorry his ‘compromise’ isn’t good enough.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2023 08:19

@PixieLaLar he says he isn’t going to away games essentially so that’s reduced the amount by half straight off. I’d imagine that home games take less time as well (less travelling).

aSofaNearYou · 02/10/2023 08:47

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2023 08:19

@PixieLaLar he says he isn’t going to away games essentially so that’s reduced the amount by half straight off. I’d imagine that home games take less time as well (less travelling).

In the Op she said that non away games take 6-7 hours, which is still way too much for every weekend.

PerfectMatch · 02/10/2023 08:57

Home games won't be every weekend, it usually alternates between home and away games.

Good update OP. Although I do agree with a pp that he needs to acknowledge that his behaviour is unfair on you as well as unfair on his younger DS.

PixieLaLar · 02/10/2023 09:08

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2023 08:19

@PixieLaLar he says he isn’t going to away games essentially so that’s reduced the amount by half straight off. I’d imagine that home games take less time as well (less travelling).

It doesn’t sound that way going by the first post…
Consequently, most weekends they go to games, which means they're gone for up to 6 or 7 hours at a time. They also go to away games whenever they can too, on coach. Yesterday for example they left at 4am and didn't get home until 10pm.

To me that sounds like most weekends DSS10 will still be left with OP for 6-7 hours and she’s expected to look after him/entertain him. She said herself he’s a bit of a handful and it effects her weekends. It seems this part of the issue hasn’t been acknowledged at all by DH.

NoMoreLifts · 02/10/2023 10:13

SunRainStorm · 01/10/2023 10:51

Your husband sounds like a selfish twat.

He cant stop because it's 'his passion'? I suppose he assumes that providing unpaid childcare to an intense 10 year old is your passion?

Find your own passion for the weekends. Tell DH to find a babysitter if he insists on buggering off with his favourite child every weekend.

The thing about the running is abysmal.

Yes, agree esp. about the running. Almost anything you do with a child will be slower. You don't not teach them to cook food cos it's faster if you do it alone. Or not teach them to kick a ball cos they're rubbish at the start. Riding bike, swimming, etc etc. It's quite cruel.
That's not really the point of going running with your son, is it? Keeping up?

1dayatatime · 02/10/2023 10:43

@Friarclose

"DSS10 loves roblox and that kind of thing, however he has asked DH if he can go running with him sometimes (DH is a runner) he said no cos he won't be able to keep up but I have suggested he go on a slower run with DSS10."

+++

That is so sad and selfish. DSS has different interests (Roblox) to your DH but has tried to reach out to him by offering to do something your DH enjoys (running) building and bonding their relationship. Only for your DH to shut him down by saying he is too slow! I mean how does he think that will make a ten year old boy feel, what will it do to his confidence and what will it do to his relationship with his father.

So sad.

caringcarer · 02/10/2023 11:52

A compromise of DH attending home games with his 14 year old once a fortnight and doing something with his 10 year old once a fortnight too would be best.

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 11:58

That's a good update. It did sound rather like he was prioritising DSS1 because they had similar interests. It's always hard as a parent to get this balance right so I'm glad he's making some effort.

Caerulea · 02/10/2023 11:59

You're update sounds good tbh, I think ppl underestimate the value of playing with kids on the games they like (unfortunately it's roblox which drives me mad - maybe they could do minecraft & build a project together?). And in this case it means DSS10 is getting time with his dad outside of the usual weekend thing.

Re travel sickness preventing him joining the other two for matches, is it worth trying those anti-sickness pills? Having ginger biscuits in the car/coach?

aSofaNearYou · 02/10/2023 12:03

caringcarer · 02/10/2023 11:52

A compromise of DH attending home games with his 14 year old once a fortnight and doing something with his 10 year old once a fortnight too would be best.

Thing is though that would mean OP was required to look after one of them all of each weekend they are there. I wouldn't be up for that personally, I would expect my DP to be entertaining both of his kids by default the vast majority of the time they were with us.

caringcarer · 02/10/2023 14:16

Good update. It sounds like you got through to him OP.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 02/10/2023 14:20

Friarclose · 01/10/2023 10:06

Thanks for confirming I'm not BU!

DSS10 loves roblox and that kind of thing, however he has asked DH if he can go running with him sometimes (DH is a runner) he said no cos he won't be able to keep up but I have suggested he go on a slower run with DSS10.

Your h is an immature, unkind, selfish bellend. How horrible.

Passepartoute · 02/10/2023 15:45

Friarclose · 01/10/2023 16:27

So I have an update.

Small steps. Tbh I thought he'd be more resistant to change so he must be feeling guilty about it himself.

Can't he do more with all his children together? It seems really odd that he is doing different things with different sons.

How does he manage to be out for 6-7 hours for a home game? It can't be that far away? Can he cut that down?

Tinkerbyebye · 02/10/2023 16:09

Dh needs sitting down and a discussion over obvious favouritism had

he has two sons he sees every other weekend, he should see both sons, not one every weekend and one twice a month.

the younger one wants to do running, that’s a shared hobby as well, so one is football, one is running

thats poor child, already from a split family and with a father who doesn’t care

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