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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should cut down on his hobby for his sons sake?

73 replies

Friarclose · 01/10/2023 09:55

Bit of background--

I have DS13, DSS14 and DSS10.

DSS's are here EOW and come one night in the week for their tea.

DH and DSS14 are major supporters of the local football team. DH bought them both season tickets.

Consequently, most weekends they go to games, which means they're gone for up to 6 or 7 hours at a time. They also go to away games whenever they can too, on coach. Yesterday for example they left at 4am and didn't get home until 10pm.

During all this football, DSS10 is left with me. Now don't get me wrong I love him dearly, but he's a handful. He's one of those dc who need constant stimulation and a eye on him at all times. DS13 is really good and plays with him often but he's also at the age where he wants to game online with his friends or go to the park with them and DSS10 cannot be trusted to tag along.

I work ft and I like to relax at the weekend and it's impossible with DH gone all the time. Plus although he's never said it, I'm sure DSS10 must feel left out. It means that some months DH only sees DSS10 for 2 days. He doesn't want to go with them though as he's travel sick.

Last night when DH got home i said to him he's BU and that he needs to understand that DSS10 will be feeling second best even if he doesn't show it, plus it means that if I want to do something I either have to take DSS10 with me or I can't do anything. DH says he's not missing any games because it's his and DSS14s passion.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Friarclose · 01/10/2023 10:39

Thank you again everyone for confirming what I think. A serious discussion will be had later. I'm going to say no more away games for now because it's absolutely unfair. And I will also ensure that DH takes DSS10 with him on a run too.

DSS10 is a lovely kid he's just quite different to DH, whereas DSS14 is basically his clone 🤣

I'm going to make sure this is sorted out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Friarclose · 01/10/2023 10:46

Also sorry if this is drip feeding but DSS10 did used to have a season ticket but decided he didn't want to go to games anymore.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 01/10/2023 10:49

I would start going to the gym or out of the house with your DS most weekends so your DH has to take DSS along with him or miss the match.

Besides everything else, why should you be his free childcare?

Universalsnail · 01/10/2023 10:51

You are not unreasonable. That is far too much. A couple of times a month sure but every weekend. No.

SunRainStorm · 01/10/2023 10:51

Your husband sounds like a selfish twat.

He cant stop because it's 'his passion'? I suppose he assumes that providing unpaid childcare to an intense 10 year old is your passion?

Find your own passion for the weekends. Tell DH to find a babysitter if he insists on buggering off with his favourite child every weekend.

The thing about the running is abysmal.

Conkersinautumn · 01/10/2023 10:54

He's an arse he's only prepared to 'parent' where it suits his own selfish arse. How dull he is

BarelyCoping123 · 01/10/2023 10:55

You've married an asshole OP

EvilElsa · 01/10/2023 10:57

YANBU at all. That poor kid.
Your "D"H is a selfish twat -put your foot down and say you will not be providing weekly childcare anymore and he will need to start thinking of plans that involve both his children. The audacity is staggering! He won't be changing is plans....well he fucking will won't he.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/10/2023 11:20

His oldest son might have found that being his clone is the only way to make sure he's close to his dad.

VickyEadieofThigh · 01/10/2023 11:23

You've married a selfish twat.

Pumpkinpie1 · 01/10/2023 11:32

DSs visits to see his dad , respectfully not his Step mum.
Dad needs to grow up or he’s going to lose his son, saying that given his blasé attitude he won’t notice.
Maybe you need to stop being available to babysit his lovely son so the manchild has to start being a parent

Halfemptyhalfling · 01/10/2023 11:43

Can dss10 stay at his mum's if there is an away game? Seems he's not gaining anything staying with you. I don't think it's fair both siblings have to be treated the same.

PixieLaLar · 01/10/2023 11:50

That’s really shit! DSS is only there to have contact time with his Dad. I would tell DH if he’s not going to be home then DSS10 isn’t coming round. There’s literally no benefit to him being there if he’s not even spending time with his Dad and it’s distrusting your weekend.

Sunshinenrain · 01/10/2023 11:53

YANBU

I feel so sorry for DSS!!

Its made me so sad that he wants to start running too, as that is screaming out for his dads attention.

Your DH is verging on being cruel.

He needs to at the very least start running with DSS10.

I think he also needs to speak to his ex about arranging contact around the football games.
If a game falls on a day he has contact then that’s not really fair as he’s not having contact with 1 of them, so if I was him I’d be asking if he can have them on an extra day (or even just DSS10) to make up for it.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2023 11:57

No YANBU, I honestly don't know what goes through some parents minds, it's like they lose all common sense when it comes to football. It's blatantly obvious that it's shit parenting to dedicate every single weekend to a hobby with one of your children and not the other, especially if you only see them on the weekend. Poor DSS.

He's also taking the piss out of you, and if you want to put a stop to it then use that angle. "I'm not missing any games" - well he'd bloody well have to if you weren't providing childcare, him getting to go to those games is entirely dependant on you. So who does he think he is "telling" you that that's what's happening? He should be asking you, not telling you, and you should be saying no. Just tell him you will no longer watch DSS10 for him because you value your weekend and it's wearing you out, and you also think it is unfair to the child.

Sheselectric22 · 01/10/2023 12:00

Well quite clearly this man can't be arsed to be a parent so has palmed that part of his life into you as if you are the current maid. He only takes eldest because it means he doesn't have to actually actively parent and can still do what he wants.

I'd bet my life that he isn't the one doing the weekly dinner cooking either is he op.

I know you laughed about the clone thing but it's not funny one bit. It's a disgrace and only true because the eldest child has no choice really. He's like this because he has adapted to what his father wants. He's his own person but your dh is so selfish he can't be arsed to learn that or encourage that, it's easier for him if he has a child that meekly follows his father wants.

Football is not his passion. It's an excuse to be a selfish person.

How you can stand to be in the sane house as such a shit father and partner is beyond me. The resentment I would feel would have made me explode by this point.

Venturini · 01/10/2023 12:05

What an arsehole.

Venturini · 01/10/2023 12:06

He should be ashamed of himself. And I don’t know how you can bear to put up with that shit. His poor kids

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 01/10/2023 12:08

PerfectMatch · 01/10/2023 10:12

YANBU and your DH sounds incredibly selfish. He needs to remember that he has two sons (and a step son), not just one. At the very least he needs to stop going to away games, home games only. I think I'd say that is non negotiable.

There are two SS's and one son. Even worse

CoffeeBeansGalore · 01/10/2023 12:09

I think it's time you made plans for you & your ds to have a few weekends away, every other weekend, leaving Friday evening. Your 'D'H can either change his plans or arrange childcare.

Ir'll be nice for you & your ds to have some one 2 one time as well. Win win 😊.

Photio · 01/10/2023 12:13

I agree with others. Start arranging nice outings/ things to do yourself on Saturdays and just tel DH he'll need to make other arrangements for his son

Almondmum · 01/10/2023 12:13

What a spectacularly shit dad. Presumably he wouldn't bother with his eldest if he didn't want to watch football. What kind of selfish arsehole doesn't slow down to run with their kid?

Sigmama · 01/10/2023 12:15

Sports fanatics are selfish and obsessive, they don't care how much their 'passion' impacts others, on the plus s6ude the 10 year old is going go grow up to be a nicer person

Sigmama · 01/10/2023 12:16

*plus side

Passepartoute · 01/10/2023 12:23

Last night when DH got home i said to him he's BU and that he needs to understand that DSS10 will be feeling second best even if he doesn't show it, plus it means that if I want to do something I either have to take DSS10 with me or I can't do anything. DH says he's not missing any games because it's his and DSS14s passion.

Your DH is unbelievably selfish and immature. He really thinks football is more important than either of his other children? I'd struggle to be civil to someone with that attitude.