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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect a party invite for DS?

152 replies

Blueskiesarenice · 30/09/2023 21:43

My DS has a best friend, they’ve been best friends for approx 4 years, in the same class at school and always having play dates, sleepovers etc.

Due to their friendship, his mum and I have became friends and just over a year ago she came to work for my business. Shortly after she joined I went on maternity leave. She took on a senior role with the view of running / growing the business whilst I was away.

Towards the end of my maternity leave it became clear things weren’t going well at work. I was told the business would make a loss next year if nothing changed. The senior team proposed a restructure and a number of redundancies. My friend was part of these discussions and knew her job was at risk.

Though I’ve not been at work when things went downhill and I wasn’t responsible for the restructure, I did approve it as it seemed the only option for the business and therefore my friend was made redundant.

She has taken this very badly, even her husband has sent me horrible messages.

But what’s shocked me most of all, is her son told my DS at school that he’s not allowed to have a play date with my DS ever again and he’s not allowed to have my DS to his birthday party. Both her son and my DS ended up crying about this in school.

Turns out my ‘friend’ has already invited all the kids in the class to her son’s birthday party and excluded my DS. My DS is heartbroken. Sounds like hers is too.

What do I do? AIBU to expect her to invite my DS to the birthday party?!

I thought we could sort this out without involving the kids. I get that she’s upset about the job but I don’t feel I had any choice and I don’t believe it’s my fault.

OP posts:
chillidoritto · 30/09/2023 21:48

YADNBU. Poor kids!

EvilElsa · 30/09/2023 21:50

Honestly - I don't really see how you could expect play dates when you've fallen out to the extent you have. Her and her husband have sent you abusive messages -surely going to pick your son up from their party would be awkward as hell?!

Dramatic · 30/09/2023 21:54

Ah god this is a tough one. You've basically hired this woman, built her hopes up about practically running the place and then sacked her within a year. I can understand why she's incredibly upset about it.

I don't know that there's much you can do really, yes your son is going to suffer but were you really expecting things to be totally fine between you after this?

cocksstrideintheevening · 30/09/2023 21:55

Well that a mess. I'd let it go, you won't be friends anymore

IKnowAPlace · 30/09/2023 21:57

I don't think it's possible to be friends with someone you've sacked, I'm afraid.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/09/2023 21:58

What a horrible woman to take it out on your DS!

Whatever a parent did or was like, I’d never take it out on their child. Some people are vile.

Rumplestiltz · 30/09/2023 22:01

I think you have mixed up too many things.
also the business going downhill that quickly? Surely things must have already been going awry before you went on may leave. She probably feels a scapegoat for existing issues. Is she?

Merryoldgoat · 30/09/2023 22:01

Though I’ve not been at work when things went downhill and I wasn’t responsible for the restructure, I did approve it as it seemed the only option for the business and therefore my friend was made redundant.

From her perspective you’ve not been there for a year but get to approve her redundancy. It feels a bit shitty.

I suspect she’s very hurt and I’m not surprised. It might well have been necessary, but less than a year to prove herself sounds crap in a senior position.

It’s fairly rare for a business to go from very healthy expansion to loss-making so fast without some unexpected external factors. Was the loss not on the cards when she was hired?

Pippa12 · 30/09/2023 22:02

Your (ex!) friend is likely still very hurt, angry and embarrassed. She’ll be lashing out and unfortunately taking it out on your son. Don’t mix business and pleasure…ever!

I doubt there will be a resolution in the future, I talk to your son open and honestly.

BlossomOfOrange · 30/09/2023 22:36

could some kind of mediator help here, help keep the focus on the well-being of the kids. The conversation between the kids happened on school ground, could you mention to the teacher, to get advice, not to complain, they may suggest a meeting to plan in order for the kids to not be affected.

CherryMaDeara · 30/09/2023 22:40

AIBU to expect her to invite my DS to the birthday party?!

Yes, YABU to expect an invite. She doesn’t owe you or your son anything I’m afraid.

Yes, it would have been better if she could have acted more maturely and not let this affect the boys’ friendship but why do you think you can “expect” anything from her? That sounds so entitled.

Totaly · 30/09/2023 22:46

could you mention to the teacher, to get advice, not to complain, they may suggest a meeting to plan in order for the kids to not be affected

Im sure a hard pressed teacher has time and resources to sort out parent squabbles!!

He’s not invited, plan something else.

Kids havj h Best Friends at school is always a recipe for disasters.

Your son will feel it more as the other boy is more popular at the moment due to his party.

You make the first mistake letting them be BF - and now he has to make a new friend to play with.

The second mistake was hiring her.

The third mistake was assuming you could sack her and hide behind maternity leave as if you didn’t have anything to do with it.

What you should’ve done is spoken to her about the issues raised and explained the way forward - at least she deserved a heads up for the sake of friendship.

happsy · 30/09/2023 22:48

EvilElsa · 30/09/2023 21:50

Honestly - I don't really see how you could expect play dates when you've fallen out to the extent you have. Her and her husband have sent you abusive messages -surely going to pick your son up from their party would be awkward as hell?!

This! How can you even expect an invite after something so awful happening? Easy for you to take the high ground, your job wasn't affected??

CowboyJoanna · 30/09/2023 22:52

YABU. You're a businesswoman, you're cutthroat. but that's part and parcel of the job.
But you can't expect to remain best buds with your employees when you make them redundant.

FloweryName · 30/09/2023 22:55

However valid her reasons to be upset with you, it is nasty to exclude one child from a whole class party.

She didn’t have to do a whole class party if she wanted to avoid inviting a particular child.

Dramatic · 30/09/2023 23:05

Totaly · 30/09/2023 22:46

could you mention to the teacher, to get advice, not to complain, they may suggest a meeting to plan in order for the kids to not be affected

Im sure a hard pressed teacher has time and resources to sort out parent squabbles!!

He’s not invited, plan something else.

Kids havj h Best Friends at school is always a recipe for disasters.

Your son will feel it more as the other boy is more popular at the moment due to his party.

You make the first mistake letting them be BF - and now he has to make a new friend to play with.

The second mistake was hiring her.

The third mistake was assuming you could sack her and hide behind maternity leave as if you didn’t have anything to do with it.

What you should’ve done is spoken to her about the issues raised and explained the way forward - at least she deserved a heads up for the sake of friendship.

How do you mean "letting" them be best friends? How would you propose stopping kids from being best friends?

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 30/09/2023 23:12

It’s awful that your child is caught up in this, but you can’t expect her to want to socialise with you. All you can do is encourage your child to make other friends.

friendlycat · 30/09/2023 23:26

I’m a business woman myself and sadly I’ve learnt that friendships and business dealings don’t mix well. Add in redundancy and or money and they are a recipe for disaster.

Realistically she was never going to maintain a friendship with you having been made redundant sadly. This has extended to her wanting to avoid social situations with your family that also includes your child. Obviously your child is innocent in all of this, but really it was always going to be the case that going forward there’s a big cooling off period between the two of you that sadly extends into this situation.

The best you can do is try and comfort your child, explain it’s not their fault and encourage new friendships.

Original poster
Blueskiesarenice · 30/09/2023 23:27

The business was making a healthy profit and has been for a number of years. But so that I could take a maternity leave I invested 250k in a senior leadership team to replace me and continue to grow the business. Instead the revenue went down whilst I was away so now there wont be enough profit to cover everyone’s wages going forward. That’s why things have flipped so fast. It was the senior team who came up with the restructure plan, they recommended making themselves redundant and just having one senior manager instead. I went with their recommendation as I didn’t have any other options. It’s a small business, no investors. The friend was on the senior leadership team so was in the loop before I was and was part of the planning. I thought we could still be friends. When I realised that wasn’t going to be possible I still thought the kids could be friends. Maybe i was naive?!

OP posts:
friendlycat · 30/09/2023 23:31

Yes you were naive to answer your question above. Sorry.

Merryoldgoat · 30/09/2023 23:31

But so that I could take a maternity leave I invested 250k in a senior leadership team to replace me and continue to grow the business.

What?!

Merryoldgoat · 30/09/2023 23:32

friendlycat · 30/09/2023 23:31

Yes you were naive to answer your question above. Sorry.

Also this.

Original poster
Blueskiesarenice · 30/09/2023 23:35

It’s not just my job that’s been affected, my whole business has :( I’m going to try my best to get things back on track but it may not be possible. So it’s not ‘easy to take the high road’ (I’m upset and gutted) but when it comes to the children I thought we’d both want to keep them out of it / unaffected. Also I don’t blame her for what’s happened so I don’t understand why she would blame me?

OP posts:
friendlycat · 30/09/2023 23:36

There’s obviously many factors at play here that way extends beyond a friendship between two children.

I find it incomprehensible how you were out of the loop on maternity leave for a business you own and had just invested. 250k in to. How on earth could your team be in the loop ahead of you the owner ? Sorry but you really are being extremely naive here.

Original poster
Blueskiesarenice · 30/09/2023 23:41

I made that investment so that I could be out of the loop - so I could have time with my baby. If I had continued managing things, I wouldn’t have needed to hire all those people. They worked together every day, had meetings all the time, that’s how they knew more than I did about what was going on.

OP posts: