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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect a party invite for DS?

152 replies

Blueskiesarenice · 30/09/2023 21:43

My DS has a best friend, they’ve been best friends for approx 4 years, in the same class at school and always having play dates, sleepovers etc.

Due to their friendship, his mum and I have became friends and just over a year ago she came to work for my business. Shortly after she joined I went on maternity leave. She took on a senior role with the view of running / growing the business whilst I was away.

Towards the end of my maternity leave it became clear things weren’t going well at work. I was told the business would make a loss next year if nothing changed. The senior team proposed a restructure and a number of redundancies. My friend was part of these discussions and knew her job was at risk.

Though I’ve not been at work when things went downhill and I wasn’t responsible for the restructure, I did approve it as it seemed the only option for the business and therefore my friend was made redundant.

She has taken this very badly, even her husband has sent me horrible messages.

But what’s shocked me most of all, is her son told my DS at school that he’s not allowed to have a play date with my DS ever again and he’s not allowed to have my DS to his birthday party. Both her son and my DS ended up crying about this in school.

Turns out my ‘friend’ has already invited all the kids in the class to her son’s birthday party and excluded my DS. My DS is heartbroken. Sounds like hers is too.

What do I do? AIBU to expect her to invite my DS to the birthday party?!

I thought we could sort this out without involving the kids. I get that she’s upset about the job but I don’t feel I had any choice and I don’t believe it’s my fault.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 01/10/2023 07:04

You’ve taken your eye off the ball OP resulting in the failure of your profitable business. Taking on thn

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/10/2023 07:06

Posted too soon - taking in the extras in the senior team sound like it had a really detrimental affect. Were you not checking in periodically when on mat leave?

Popsicle42 · 01/10/2023 07:10

You keep saying that she was part of the group that decided to sacrifice their jobs. It really sounds like she did not consent to that plan - off sick the day they present you with that option and off sick for a week when you come back to work. She clearly feels that she has been forced out. Firstly by whichever members of the SLT who came up with that idea and secondly by you for agreeing to it. Given how hands off you’ve been for the last year, I’m assuming you have no idea how the decision to sack themselves was reached.

She shouldn’t be excluding your child, but she very clearly blames you for her unemployment and wants absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with you or anyone connected with you.

moose62 · 01/10/2023 07:13

If anyone should be upset, it should be you!
These senior leaders have basically sunk your business. They did it, not you! If there is no profit then how are they expecting to get paid. Yes, I can understand your friend being upset but surely even she can understand what she has done to you. You gave them a profitable business to run and they have failed.
The children should have been left out if it completely!
Hold your head up high, you are not to blame.

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/10/2023 07:15

*effect

Jesus Christ it’s too early…

Sehenswürdigkeiten · 01/10/2023 07:16

While it's a shame the poor children are caught up in this, I can also see why you might not be the first person she wants to see/be reminded of based on what has happened!

romdowa · 01/10/2023 07:19

Macaroni46 · 30/09/2023 23:53

She blames you because:
It's your business
You employed her
You made her redundant

The old saying, don't mix business with pleasure springs to mind!

YABU

Show quote history

She also has some blame, she's didn't do the job she was hired to do. She made a serious cock up of mmaging the business. She hardly thought she'd be kept on

Dandydodandy · 01/10/2023 07:19

I think she’s coming from a protective place rather than a punishing place and is trying to protect her son from you and your family. If I was friends with someone and our lives were as intertwined as yours sound and then this happened I would be questioning everything about you, especially as you sound indifferent to the impact it has had on her.

I’m sure it isn’t the case, but from the outside it does look like you’ve used her and then dropped her from a great height now your mat leave is over. Presumably she won’t be entitled to any redundancy pay as she’s only been there a year.

You are unreasonable to expect an invite and the party is about her son not yours or you. He deserves the best birthday he can have under the circumstances which sounds like not having you anywhere near and unfortunately your son is a casualty of that.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/10/2023 07:26

Yes, ideally the kids would've been left out of it.

However when dealing with stress, job loss, being sick ,failure etc a lot of people don't behave in a rational and reasonable way.

What she did isn't ok, but at the same time it shouldn't be that shocking to you. It was always a possibility, especially after your own friendship soured.

Whattodo112222 · 01/10/2023 07:29

I think you're expecting too much here OP.

BeMoreBarbie · 01/10/2023 07:29

Wow, this is such a difficult situation. She has every right to be mad. As someone who has been made redundant, it bloody hurts. Especially when you think you've put in so much work, built relationships etc. it feels extremely personal so I understand her feelings. However, her husband shouldn't be messaging you and they shouldn't be taking it out on your son.

You also have a right to be angry. You've hired these people in good faith and they have really fucked you over. I understand you wanted maternity leave and that's something you should have, as you say it's worth more than money and work. If you'd known it was going downhill, would you have come back early? She, and the rest of the team, have likely known this info for some time and kept it from you essentially worsening the issue. I'm sure you would have preferred to know and cut the mat leave short.

PriOn1 · 01/10/2023 07:31

Did she leave a well-paid, steady job to come and work for you?

You don’t say why she’s off sick, but that is potentially very relevant. If she’s struggling with her health, the chances of her feeling well enough and positive enough to reapply for a senior role are very low and the chances of you rehiring a sick person where there are three healthy people are also close to nil.

If she is sick because of the situation she found herself in within your company, then she may not feel well enough even to look for another position elsewhere.

So is it the case, that you offered a healthy woman in a stable role a position that appeared to be a great offer, but turned out to be a disaster? If so, she will likely see you as having taken everything from her.

In a perfect world, she would rise above it all and not let it affect her son’s friendship with yours, but it can’t possibly surprise you that she holds you somewhat responsible and doesn’t want any contact between your family and hers. I should imagine, in her eyes, you’ve saved your business at her expense, even if she was part of the team that put that idea together.

Anyway, I feel sorry for her. She must feel devastated. Your son will get over it and it will be forgotten as he grows up. She might never get over it and it may blight her career and health for a long time. Perspective is everything.

Lastchancechica · 01/10/2023 07:34

It does seem that you used her to cover your maternity leave op.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 01/10/2023 07:38

I don’t think you are looking at this from her perspective. You employed her, and you made her redundant. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t put her name on the list, her name was on it.

She probably had to sit down and work out what bills she had to put on a payment plan. How many times did she have to say no to something for her child because you didn’t step in and protect her job.

Sometimes shit happens with business, that’s life. But if you employ a friend this is the risk you take if it doesn’t go well.

I can honestly say if I was your friend I wouldn’t speak to you again either.

Not because it’s your fault, she will know you didn’t mean for this to happen. But she is probably dealing with a lot of stress and that’s going to be directed at you.

You just have to accept it, and move on.

unbelieveable22 · 01/10/2023 07:46

How sad that two young boys are being punished for something they had no part in. I understand that your former employee is upset but using her young son to get back at you? That is so wrong.
Her motives seem to be all about revenge and nothing to do with her son enjoying his birthday. I just had this image of the two boys crying together and not understanding why. Cruel and vindictive.

Landlubber2019 · 01/10/2023 07:48

Sorry you need to focus on your family and rebuild the friendships which your son still has.

I hope your business can recover, I also hope that after a years maternity leave and being absent from the business, you don't need to work all hours to recover the business. Of course you were entitled to a years mat leave, but it was ridiculous to be completely absent and not request monthly check ins. You have failed your business by your lack of presence and your 'friend' appears to have taken the fall and you don't seem to see how this is your responsibility and what impact this would have on your son.

converseandjeans · 01/10/2023 07:51

It’s not just my job that’s been affected, my whole business has :

I actually think she should shoulder some responsibility for not doing her job properly. YANBU to want a maternity leave & you invested in a team so that you could do that. She has let you down by not keeping you in the loop. The fact that she got signed off just before you came back shows she knows she has messed up. If anything she should apologise for your business almost closing down.

YANBU to expect DS to get an invite to a class party. She's being really unkind to shut him off like that. He's 7 or 8 & has done nothing wrong.

You sound like a decent boss & have done well to set up your company. I'm intrigued as to what you do & how they can have messed up so badly.

enidblythe · 01/10/2023 07:54

I think there might have been some dynamics on that senior team that you might not yet be aware of
Would it be worth while you meeting each individual formally for an exit interview to get a debrief
I think some thing more might eventually come out

I also think she s acting very petulantly and unprofessionally taking it out on the kids
That kind of stuff should be left at work

When you met her while on your mat leave did you discuss work at all?

RandomButtons · 01/10/2023 07:55

You’ve never been made redundant OP have you? It’s hell. I’m guessing as an employee of less than a year she didn’t get a payout either. So from her point of view you e promised her an amazing job, which then turned out to be incredibly stressful and failing and resulted in you making her redundant. Of course she’s hurt!

Im a small business owner, and I know if I took maternity leave it would scupper my business for at least two years. You made a plan, put your baby first, and your plan didn’t work. You have to take responsibility for that.

RandomButtons · 01/10/2023 07:55

But she shouldn’t take it out on your son.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2023 07:58

My dd was declared persona non gratis and excluded from parties by a particular mum for far less than this… and actually a misunderstanding for something she thought my dd did and actually didn’t. They were 5/6. The girls were besties until that point. It hurt my dd for a long time, years. I did try hard for play dates, even suggested a meet up in the park but got the brush off.

I got dd busy with after school activities and organised play dates with other children. What I told dd is that she had friends at school and play date friends. Get your ds to tell you who else he likes in class and ask them over and if there are activities after school someone can pick your ds up from, send your ds to them. Or ideally get him involved in some activities out of school, where he can meet new kids.

Lougle · 01/10/2023 08:05

I'm trying to understand the logic of how your role, working 80/90 hours per week, needed to be replaced by 4 people presumably working 37 hour weeks? You doubled your leadership hours.

I think it's unrealistic to expect this lady to want to associate with you and by extension your DS, tbh. Especially if she was one of the senior team.

Approaching · 01/10/2023 08:06

What’s the impact on her and her family of her being made redundant? Frankly OP I can’t see any empathy in your posts, you just offhandedly state that she gets 3 months pay. When people get made redundant they worry about losing their house, car, their whole lives being turned upside down. If the attitude that you’re posting here is mirroring real life, then I’m not surprised she can’t find it in herself to be the bigger person and support the friendship between your children. Actions have consequences, it just seems you were unprepared for those consequences to negatively impact you and your family.

rainbowstardrops · 01/10/2023 08:06

Firstly, I really feel for the boys because it's not their fault that your friend has fallen out with you but I can understand why she's angry and upset.
If she was your friend, presumably pretty close as your children were and you own the business so therefore, 'head of the ship' why didn't you keep her on and let the other senior leaders go?
I'd be pretty pissed off if I had to apply again for my position that you gave me. Well she's not going to is she?!
What a messy situation.

Gymrabbit · 01/10/2023 08:08

OP please note as often happens on mn the vote is very different to the comments.

On mn (particularly AIBU) people like to berate OPs for everything thing they may or may not have done. On other day though the comments may have gone the other way.

I think your ‘friend’ is a petty bitch and actually quite evil to behave in this way to your child. It’s one thing to not want to host play dates but to tell her son they aren’t allowed to play together and to not invite your son to a whole class party is really taking it too far.