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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL never invites me to anything

53 replies

SarahLKelp · 30/09/2023 16:06

I get on fairly well with MIL, DH and I have been married for 10 years and have one DS who is five. DS is MIL's only grandchild.

My AIBU is that whenever MIL arranges an event (birthday meal etc) me and DS are never invited, only DH. DH is an only child so usually it's MIL, her sister and DH.

I find it more annoying that she doesn't include her grandson than me to be honest! AIBU?

OP posts:
NancyJoan · 30/09/2023 16:09

Does she show much interest in your DS generally?

FloweryName · 30/09/2023 16:09

If it’s an event just for her birthday it’s up to her who she invites, but I can see why it would hurt. Does she pay and is trying to keep costs down? Does she want to go to places that aren’t child friendly for her special occasions?

squirrlebutkin · 30/09/2023 16:09

Different people have different ideas about what family is.

She considers her sister and son to be her family, not in laws She wants to celebrate her special occasions with the adults she regards as her family.

That’s perfectly fine.

i don’t regard my in laws as my family either.

YABU.

Original poster
SarahLKelp · 30/09/2023 16:12

DH pays for the birthday events. She talks a lot about DS but in reality not that much effort no.

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 30/09/2023 16:12

So your husband happily attends, without you or his son ? Sounds like you have a husband problem.

Original poster
SarahLKelp · 30/09/2023 16:13

@squirrlebutkin her grandson isn't an in law.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 30/09/2023 16:14

Why does your Dh not call her out on it? Mine wouldn’t attend events if I was being left out.

Luxell934 · 30/09/2023 16:14

So your husband goes to these events and tells you that you can't come with him because your not invited?

Original poster
SarahLKelp · 30/09/2023 16:17

The events just happen - I haven't mentioned it to DH yet as I wanted to see if people think I'm BU before I flagged it.

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 30/09/2023 16:20

What do you mean the events just happen? Your husband wakes up one Saturday and says "it's mums birthday I am going out for dinner with her. See you later, bye"

Anewest · 30/09/2023 16:20

The not regarding in-laws as family thing is odd and quite cold. My PIL have this view and are mostly described as "insular" and "odd" by others.
Luckily DP isn't at all like that as I'd be bloody embarrassed when our children grow up and have partners. YANBU in the slightest, OP.

redguitar123 · 30/09/2023 16:21

SarahLKelp · 30/09/2023 16:12

DH pays for the birthday events. She talks a lot about DS but in reality not that much effort no.

WTF is your DH playing at, going if you and your son aren't invited?

JustAMinutePleass · 30/09/2023 16:22

Did your sil have fertility problems? Could be the reason

Hadalifeonce · 30/09/2023 16:24

I don't think my DH would go to things like this without questioning why his family aren't invited.

pinkdelight · 30/09/2023 16:24

Do you want to invite your MIL to your social events? I tend to go with the 'it's her birthday she can please herself' stance and be glad to not be involved.

squirrlebutkin · 30/09/2023 16:25

SarahLKelp · 30/09/2023 16:13

@squirrlebutkin her grandson isn't an in law.

No but I specifically said she wants an adult only event. That is a perfectly reasonable thing to want.

pinkdelight · 30/09/2023 16:25

WTF is your DH playing at, going if you and your son aren't invited?

Having a relationship with his mother and not being inextricable from his wife and son? I don't think that's reprehensible.

redguitar123 · 30/09/2023 16:27

pinkdelight · 30/09/2023 16:25

WTF is your DH playing at, going if you and your son aren't invited?

Having a relationship with his mother and not being inextricable from his wife and son? I don't think that's reprehensible.

For a family birthday meal?

W0tnow · 30/09/2023 16:28

This thread just goes to show it’s horses for courses. Personally, unless there is animosity, I think it’s odd that her daughter-in-law and grandchild aren’t invited to a birthday gathering. Like, REALLY odd! You’ve been married for 10 years!

Cloud992 · 30/09/2023 16:30

Personally, I have no problem with DH going out for a meal alone with MIL, if anything , I'd rather him go see her alone so that I don't have to spend time with her 😂

my MIL also talks about my DC a lot but minimal
effort. Think it's an attention thing or ticking a box so that they can make themselves seem more important or involved than they actually are.

squirrlebutkin · 30/09/2023 16:31

pinkdelight · 30/09/2023 16:25

WTF is your DH playing at, going if you and your son aren't invited?

Having a relationship with his mother and not being inextricable from his wife and son? I don't think that's reprehensible.

Quite.

if she is inviting her sister and son only to her birthday, as the post suggests, she clearly just wants those she feels emotionally closest too and can relax and have a good chat with on her birthday.

I doubt many DILs invite their MIL to their birthday do when it’s a small one with those they are closest too, so I don’t get the outrage in reverse.

pinkdelight · 30/09/2023 16:36

For a family birthday meal?

For her own birthday meal, she can have who she wants there. She wants her husband and kids. I don't see what's wrong with that. Not everything has to be a family obligation to please other people.

stayathomer · 30/09/2023 16:36

See there's layers to this, there's times I'd meet up with my mum, sister, and brothers, adults only for a birthday dinner for example. Or dh would go out to a plan/dinner with his bro and sister and mum. I don't think it's weird at all. We make the effort if it's an occasion by having eg cake in our house so the kids can be involved with mil, or we bring cake over to my mum. Have something for your mil at yur house and get your ds to help making a cake, I'm sure they'll all appreciate it!

Original poster
SarahLKelp · 30/09/2023 16:38

This is why I wanted to ask before flagging it with DH as I don't want to create a drama when a lot of people don't think it's unusual. From my experiences with friends and their in laws I found it odd and that's why I asked.

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 30/09/2023 16:42

It’s bizarre of your MIl and bizarre of your dh. Do you contribute or buy her birthday presents? Does she get you or your dc presents?

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