MIL never invites me to anything

[SarahLKelp]

I get on fairly well with MIL, DH and I have been married for 10 years and have one DS who is five. DS is MIL's only grandchild.

My AIBU is that whenever MIL arranges an event (birthday meal etc) me and DS are never invited, only DH. DH is an only child so usually it's MIL, her sister and DH.

I find it more annoying that she doesn't include her grandson than me to be honest! AIBU?

I'm quite surprised at this responses.
I think it's fine to have adults only things and totally normal. It's up to her. Kids change the dynamic and not in a good way if the event is going out for a nice dinner.

Yes, it's very odd. I've never heard of a partner not being invited to a family event, even more so in your case as DH is paying. I would definitely talk to your DH and explain how you feel.

But it isn't a family event?
It's an adult choosing how she spends her own birthday?

Could you get your MIL to have a word with mine? Mine would invite me to the opening of an envelope - it's bloody annoying! 😅

Is it only for her birthday OP? Or other events too? If it's just once a year I'd be inclined to shrug my shoulders and leave them to it.

And what do you expect the outcome of this chat to be? That DH refuses to go his own mum’s birthday do ( which currently only has three people at it, it’s not like OP is being excluded from a large extended family do that everyone but here is at) unless his Mum accepts his wife’s view of what her birthday should be like?

I actually think that’s really mean. Leave the poor woman alone. She just wants a chance to spend her birthday dinner with her son and sister.

How often do you invite her to things, or j
invite her to events on behalf of your son?

Could it be she doesn't want to go out with couples on her birthday? Is she single? Is her sister?

Is her dd single? Maybe she thinks it's weird to invite you both as a couple if she and her dd are both attending without partners?

How often does she come along to things you and dh invite her to?

I have kids and I still enjoy adult only invites, however if it's even at the point where dh goes round alone for a cup of tea and a catch up and says you and ds aren't allowed to come then that's odd.

so your hubby goes along with her wishes, pays for the event and he doesnt demand that you come along with DS too??? frankly, I would be looking for another husband!!

That wouldn't explain why OP isn't invited though.

Is it every family event on her side OP, or just her birthday? What happens at Xmas? Does she expect you to babysit DC whilst DH only attends anything on his side (thats weird!). If its just her birthday then its her perogative who she wants, but surely now your DS is 5 you could both join a family lunch (or get a babysitter so you could join an evening event).

That is really weird, unless my dh is taking MIL to a hospital appointment then we come as a package, not to invite you to stuff like a birthday lunch is really weird especially if your dh is paying, however your dh should also see this and have already raised it. My dh is also an only child and his Mum doesn’t have a partner either. It sounds like your MIL is trying to make your dh as a step in husband, I had the same issue when I got together with my dh but soon put a stop to it.

You put a stop to a mother spending time alone with her child? And you are proud of this?

Does it work the other way? When you have children will you never be allowed time with them without MIL there? When your kids are grown will you be happy to never spend time with them without their spouses being there?

And how does putting a stop to your DH never having time alone with his Mum not make you a horribly controlling partner?

My MIL only invites some children to some events and leaves out others. I don’t understand it either really. Her anniversary dinner it was just one daughter, the rest not asked. Holidays she asks and pays for the daughters only. Takes some grandchildren away (daughters kids) and doesn’t see the others. Her sons she only sees when they visit her, which they do a lot, weekly, but she’d never ever go to their house.

They have a family dynamic of competing for attention and being the favourite for a while before someone else over takes them. It’s exhausting and we don’t play the game. Now they ask why we see them less and cannot understand that it’s not because we are jealous, it’s because it’s damaging.

I also don’t do this “we are a package” thing. I don’t need them to like me but I do expect them to treat the children equally. Im happy to stay home if DH visits with the kids and am secure in that.

When you can remove the feeling of needing to be liked or invited, you’ll feel better about this.

I really can't see the issue here. Why can't she spend her birthday with her adult children if that's what she wants to do?

@squirrlebutkin No he still pops in on her whenever he fancies and they speak every day on the phone however expecting him to attend parties with her as her plus one with her friends when no one he knows and no one his age as a late teen (we have been together forever) and he has no interest in going is not normal and personally I don’t see why the OP would be cut out of a birthday celebration, that is a family occasion.

I personally suggested my MIL moved nearer us so we could see more of her and my husband and I spent so long preparing her new house for her getting it redecorated too to bottom, got it cleaned and maintenance carried out, even spent my birthday doing it (MIL was not present as we lived close and she didn’t until she moved) to make sure it was as perfect as possible for move in date so I am hardly evil DIL!

Some people can't stand the thought of children coming out for a meal with them.

Others love the idea.

How does your son behave at the table? Does he sit politely, draw and read a book? Or does he struggle to sit there, and make a scene? This makes a massive difference on where MIL might feel she can take him.

That's a good point @Anewest
Unless the op is one of those parents who wouldn't use a babysitter, plus doesn't have any friends or neighbours (who I've never met any of in real life but seem quite abundant on mn) and thus any invite for the two of them, means they bring their son with too.

I don’t think this is MIL inviting her adult children. The DH is an only child. It’s MIL, her sister (DH Aunt) and DH.

I think it’s rather unusual, but I would be so bloody grateful to not be invited I wouldn’t say a word!!

Is it just MILS birthday? What happens at Easter, Christmas, DH birthday?

Do you as a couple get babysitters? Maybe she prefers and evening do and knows someone needs to look after the child?
I'd be grateful to not have to go

@florin, I can see why a teenager wouldn't want to accompany his mum to such an event, but once he's become a man, surely accompanying your mother so that she can attend a couples event is a nice thing to do - and so for his wife to ban it, is extremely controlling.

If this was an event with half a dozen plus family members, I'd think it odd. But a meal for MIL with just her sister and her son is fine. I actively encouraged my DH to spend time with his mum on his own. Not because I didn't like her, but quite the opposite. I loved her dearly, but because she loved a distance away, I realised that under normal circumstances she never had him to herself. And I imagined that when my kids married, I'd like to, at least sometimes, just get to chat without their partners.

I'm a MIL to sons in law. While my birthday is usually celebrated at my.home, so both my DDs as Sons in law (if they're free) come along, there are quite a few occasions where I have meals out with just my daughters.

I was thinking of having an afternoon tea somewhere for my next birthday, and assumed it'd just be me and the DDs.

Only on MN.