DH and I can’t agree on whether we should move house

[sunlightinthetrees]

We live in a nice house in a nice village. Objectively it’s a good place to live.

However, both our DC go to primary school in the nearby town 10-15 mins away. All of their friends live near the school and most of their activities are in the town too.

I’m SO fed up of driving to and from the town. On a “normal” day it’s twice but some days it can be three or even four return journeys.

Generally the traffic is ok but every now and again it’s not, yesterday there was a bad accident and I ended up being really really late for an important meeting at the school and it was really embarrassing and frustrating. I’ve been saying for ages that I’d prefer to live in the town but this was the last straw for me.

I’ve said I want to move house but DH doesn’t get it. He just doesn’t think it’s enough of an inconvenience to warrant the hassle and cost of moving. I think it is. We would only be able to afford a smaller house in the other town (but still big enough for our needs), again I think it’s worth it and he doesn’t.

It may be relevant that he grew up in a rural location and is used to being driven everywhere but I did not. It’s starting to become an issue and I don’t know how we resolve it.

AIBU to want to move closer or is he right that it’s not worth the hassle?

I think you need to have a proper heart to heart and explain how unhappy it's making you living there.

I agree that perhaps it's a case of establishing 'who's happiness is being affected most by not having their preferred choice". Then decide on that basis.

That's where me and my DP are on our living arrangements, he has a preference but he recognises he feels less strongly than me so he is prepared to be the one to compromise.

In KS1 my DDs primary school was very close to us. Playdates were easy & we often saw school friends in the park.

In KS2 she had to move to the school I taught in, 3 miles away. It's not that far but made playdates more tricky. Friends in her class lived very close to each other & saw each other outside of school a lot.

Now she's in KS4 her school is over 3 miles away in the other direction. There is no direct bus route. We drive her to school & collect her. Again, her friends live closer to each other & it's easier for them to socialise. I have to do a lot of driving to take her to see them & collect them, & if they come here I often end up running them home to save them getting on 2 buses.

I also have grown up DCs, when they were younger they went to local schools, their friends all lived close by & they saw them lots independently.

If I was you I'd definitely move closer to the school.

If the secondary school is also in the same town as the primary school, I think you’ve got a better case. It’ll be far harder once your kids want more independence.

I think a proper discussion is needed about this and then having an agreement and sticking to it even if it isn't what you want - that is marriage and kids I'm afraid. I can't see that your DH is being unreasonable here he just has a difference of opinion. Decisions have been made by you both and this is the situation that has resulted.

Throwing your toys out of the pram and refusing to do any of the school run as some have suggested is not reasonable behaviour.

Yes I think this is fair! I won’t be stopping school runs as I agree that would be a nuclear option 😂

This has all become more of an issue recently as up until a few months ago my youngest DC was at a pre school in the village. It’s only now that they’re BOTH at the school in the town that living here feels increasingly pointless (to me).

You have to look at what's next. Your eldest is a couple of years away from it but at 10ish they start to want more independence, walking to the park, meeting friends to play sports, going into town together etc.

I live in a small country town.

It's really helpful that my now DD14 can go into town on her own with he friends etc

I think you need to explain how miserable it makes you already and that's only going to build and build over time.

Perhaps you can agree a time frame before moving?

You had never lived rurally before and you've now tried it and don't like it.

Yes and I feel it’s a shame that she won’t be able to walk to school with her friends etc.

I guess it’s just a question of whether it’s enough of a shame for us to spend several thousand pounds on stamp duty and moving costs 🙃

I read that you moved from London - it is a huge change and a totally different lifestyle.

I would hate spending the whole day off work by driving, waiting to drive and trying to be on time.
It would be strong enough reason for me.

You've said that he gets stressed by other things, could you use some of them to explain how you feel about driving?

Yes it is a real change from London, and interesting to me that I miss it and he doesn’t. I think it just shows that we’re wired differently on stuff like this.

I think this thread has helped me see that neither of us is right or wrong but it is really affecting me and we need to have a chat about what might be possible.

No they didn’t. But the more I reflect on it the more I don’t think it’s just about the inconvenience of school runs to be honest, it’s a bigger thing about feeling separate from the community and town where we spend most of our time. Hope that makes sense!

They went all over the place TBH. Local school, schools at the town on the other side of the village, private schools.

Actually I do think there may be one child at the same school as my DC but they live over the other side of the village and I don’t know them well. But prob still worth exploring.

I think that the lifts are symbolic for you (and a very obvious daily frustration) of not quite getting why you're not physically located in the community that you're building a life in - you mentioned the communities and activities.

I agree with others that in some ways this will get 'worse' during teen years as they will want to socialise with their friends (who sound like they will be in town mainly) and you'll need to be on standby for lifts.

It's more complicated to address I suppose because DH can hear (even if not intended) implicit criticism of his childhood. Which isn't what you're saying. It's not only whether this is affecting the children, it's impacting you and the huge life change hasn't worked out how you thought. If try and reframe it like this and toen as a compromise position between London and rural living?

It might help to think through the logistics and finances.of the move or asking if you could do that together to see what is actually possible. For example in town you might be reducing costs in other ways - like can you just run one car.

Good luck

I grew up in a similar environment, 15 minutes drive from town, my parents taxied me everywhere, all the time. I was an OC which probably helped and my dm was a teacher so was generally around when I was, so overall it was feasible.

it didn’t bother me at the time but now as a parent I couldn’t bear to do all the ferrying so Yanbu. We live in the suburbs of a city where quite a lot is very close, walking distance in fact, or a very short drive. We considered moving some miles away to a more rural location which would have turned us into permanent taxis but ultimately decided to stay put, until the kids leave home.

it’s not just about not wanting to be a slave to the car though - we really want our kids to be able to wander round town independently and go and see their friends and just not be reliant on us all the time.
it’s also obviously much better for your health and the environment to rely on your feet/bike than a car.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all but I can see the appeal of a more rural location too (I’d love it except for the car reliance) so I don’t think your dh is necessarily unreasonable either, as long as he’s definitely doing his fair share of the taxying.

Not sure how easily you can resolve this but I’d be making the point about the lack of kids’ ability to be independent as they get older. And increasing petrol prices
and general traffic congestion. And how using your feet is so much healthier!

Where will they go to secondary school? If it’s in the town then move. That should be a bigger factor.

ps I also totally get the “wanting to be properly part of the community” thing rather than being a 15 minute drive
away. Another reason why we chose not to move away.

I think your husband is right. I would be driving my children to school and back as long as I have a nice house AND in a village to go back to. That's luxury not many can afford.

I agree with your DH OP, I would definitely be happy with more driving for the bigger house and rural/quieter location. I also grew up in a very rural location where we were driven everywhere (although did get a school bus) so I think this probably is a lot to do with it

Go and look at houses in other town and see what you think

If secondary school is also a car journey away the you will be doing the drive for years

School runs if bus is late

Driving them miles for friends /meet ups

Yes location is important

But so is socialising and travelling

What size house are you in now

And what will you get for same money

We live near our school

It's so nice dd6 can walk home with friends from school and see then at weekends

A big plus