DH and I can’t agree on whether we should move house

[sunlightinthetrees]

We live in a nice house in a nice village. Objectively it’s a good place to live.

However, both our DC go to primary school in the nearby town 10-15 mins away. All of their friends live near the school and most of their activities are in the town too.

I’m SO fed up of driving to and from the town. On a “normal” day it’s twice but some days it can be three or even four return journeys.

Generally the traffic is ok but every now and again it’s not, yesterday there was a bad accident and I ended up being really really late for an important meeting at the school and it was really embarrassing and frustrating. I’ve been saying for ages that I’d prefer to live in the town but this was the last straw for me.

I’ve said I want to move house but DH doesn’t get it. He just doesn’t think it’s enough of an inconvenience to warrant the hassle and cost of moving. I think it is. We would only be able to afford a smaller house in the other town (but still big enough for our needs), again I think it’s worth it and he doesn’t.

It may be relevant that he grew up in a rural location and is used to being driven everywhere but I did not. It’s starting to become an issue and I don’t know how we resolve it.

AIBU to want to move closer or is he right that it’s not worth the hassle?

There is a closer school but it’s going through a real rough patch. It’s now in special measures. I’d rather carry on driving than move them to the closer school from their current one (which is good and where they are happy).

Yes and he’s fine with this. Just doesn’t see the drive as an issue. He grew up being driven to school and doesn’t understand why I don’t like it.

We are currently living in the countryside and I HATE having to drive everywhere (having come from London where obviously we never drove anywhere). I totally feel your pain.

Where is the secondary? I've done that 15 minute drive to a primary for years but the secondary is a 5minute bus from ours and suddenly my life is so so much easier!! Although now my ds has friends in another village so I'm still driving him everywhere! I grew up in a town so I do sometimes think about moving too, but it's so expensive and stamp duty is a waste!! (and I love our house!)

For me it would depend on how nice the town and village are. 10-15 mins drive isn’t far. Is it worth it to live in a nice village for example.

Where is the likely secondary school? Time does go fast.

Tbh I think you could try more to adjust your attitude to it. It’s sooo expensive moving house just for this. It sounds like it’s not at all bad a drive, but you just really resent having to drive at all. It’d probably need more than that to make a smaller house and all the moving / stamp duty costs feel worth it. Do you regularly check google maps before journeys, to see if there are problems? Even if it’s just a short journey, I usually do this as a matter of habit, saves me unexpected stress a lot.

I think this is the heart of the issue, we just see it differently. The town is no less nice than the village objectively. My DH likes living in the village though and he thinks it’s worth it (and that a bigger house is worth it) but I don’t 🤷‍♀️

The secondary school is in the same town, I think there is a bus although the secondary school parents always moan about how expensive and unreliable it is!

Yeah a lesson I learned yesterday is that I will have to start doing this.

Rock and a hard place then op.

plan to move to whatever town your kids will go to secondary school in. by secondary, they will want to be able to get around on their own on buses a bit and rural living is a trap.

so no need to move right now in a great hurry, but do keep looking at what you can afford in a location with better transport.

Yes we moved from London too, about 5 years ago. I miss it a lot. DH doesn’t miss it at all!

is the countryside move temporary for you?

Move. Living in a rural area with teens is shit. I grew up in a city and wish I’d put my foot down on bringing our kids up in a town or city. Soooooo fucking dull for them otherwise 😬

I hope so 😂

I am currently 31 weeks pregnant so we will stay here (close to family) until I go back to work then I am pushing for a move back to London, at least for the short / medium term. It's just so bloody expensive and we won't have the same level of support but I think we should take the hit. I do love the countryside but I almost feel suffocated by the remoteness of where we live. I miss walking to a coffee shop, popping out to get a loaf of fresh bread. I miss decent coffee! It's all shit here. There are few pavements where we live to the outside feels so inaccessible, especially with a baby / small child (we have a 2 year old) so although we are in the countryside I feel like it's much harder to be active.

I shouldn't complain because we are very lucky to have choices. My DP is also very reasonable and if I am insistent, I know he will support a move back but I also know he would favour staying where we are. He likes London too but doesn't feel it's 'worth it' (financially) in the same way I do. He grew up where we are currently living and recalls a wonderful childhood with loads of space to roam around and ride his mountain bike in the woods. I think we will end up here because I value those things for our kids when they are older too, I am just hoping to get another stint in London before I have to throw in the towel, hahaha!

Good luck with your dilemma - it's so hard when two people just fundamentally take a different view. Neither is objectively right and neither is objectively wrong, just different priorities. It's tough to find a way to keep everyone happy.

@sunlightinthetrees

Haha yes this! I meant when he was growing up it was normal for his parents to drive him to school/activities and he doesn’t get why I don’t like it.

You are not his parents, but yourself with your own mind, needs, stresses and strains. I wonder - did both his parents work full time when they were ferrying him around? Was there the same amount of traffic then as there seems to be now? 🌹

Good luck with your dilemma - it's so hard when two people just fundamentally take a different view. Neither is objectively right and neither is objectively wrong, just different priorities. It's tough to find a way to keep everyone happy.

@Londonscallingme this sums it up perfectly. We just seemed to be wired differently on this one, he doesn’t understand why it bothers me so much.

If he doesn't mind the driving and you hate it, why are you doing it (aside from when it's on your way to work obvs)

My best mates parents moved to a very rural area when we were at school and she hated it so much. She really missed out until she was old enough to drive.

I think I’d definitely be trying to move, especially if their secondary school will be there.

If you’re reasonably certain how much money you’ll get for your house, what about looking around a few places in your price range in the town and seeing if either it puts you off, or your DH realises they’re not dreadful?

In the meantime I agree with trying to combine the lifts with your work.

Pretty key bit of info this.

I think you overstepped when you made the initial move, your DH is used to it but you made too large a compromise.
I'd say that really you need to suck this up but given the move from London this could drive you round the bend.

I don't like driving, but it's a sacrifice I can make to uphold the maxim of "Happy wife, happy life". With you being the wife I think you'll have to put your foot down. I think if something is making either party miserable to a point that might spiral, a decision needs to be made for the good of the family, especially if it is only a preference for your DH but is feeling more vital for you.

Two days a week I don’t work, so it wouldn’t make sense for my DH to do lifts on those days. Those are also the days when the kids tend to have activities.

Also I just tend to have more reason to go to the school/local activities than he does, I’m more likely to volunteer at the school etc and am involved in a couple of groups (outside of the kids) which are in the local town.