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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

son meeting other woman

58 replies

Mollylegs · 29/09/2023 09:51

Hi, I hope I don't get too slated for being daft. Back story, my hubby together nearly 22 years left me last year after meeting another person. My husband still denies to this day, helped along by my mother in law that he was with her since the summer. They kept telling my boy that they only met in November which wasn't true. The whole thing hit me so hard, I have tried to not be a bitch about the other woman but sometimes I have blurted something out about his dad cheating. I think my son knows in his heart of hearts that his dad did lie. His dad sometimes sees him maybe every couple of months then sometimes a bit more at my sons grandmas for tea. My son is 19 so obviously not a child, I can't and wouldn't tell him what he can or can not do regarding his dad. His dad has phoned him twice this week which is unusual in itself, he never rings, rarely texts. His dad has asked him to go up to the area he moved to which is rough as a badgers arse tomorrow night to go drinking and to meet the other woman, sorry if it seems I'm not being very kind towards her most people say its only the husbands fault but she knew he was married, she has 4 kids to 4 different dads and I'm told she's quite happy to break up a marriage if it takes her fancy. She has history of it. I can't explain how sick I feel and to be honest totally jealous which I wasn't expecting. I know I'm going to have to just take it but any words of wisdom, any ideas how to stop the knot that is burning in my tummy. My boy still seems to hero worship his dad to a certain extent but he's never made me aware if his dad has asked him to go out with them before now. AIBU to feel this way, probably know the answer myself or is this a normal way to be feeling? Thanks in advance if anyone fancies replyng xx

OP posts:

Patchworksack · 29/09/2023 09:56

YANBU to feel upset about it all but your son is an adult and his relationship with his Dad is his own business. I think I‘d have been honest with him about the timeline, he’s not a young child that needs to be shielded from it, and then let him make his own decisions.

Gerrataere · 29/09/2023 09:58

I get your anger, but you can’t stop your son meeting his dad or this woman. He’s 19, he can form his own opinions on both of them. I mean this kindly but you need to work on moving on from this anger - they’re carrying on with their lives whilst yours is wasting energy on two people who are simply not worth it. Leave them to it, it sounds like the relationship is a disaster in the making.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 29/09/2023 10:03

I agree, leave them to it. Let's face it, it doesn't sound like your son is going to be bowled over by this amazing new partner, does it?

I also agree that at 19 he will know his dad cheated.

twinklystar23 · 29/09/2023 10:07

So sorry that your going through this. From your post I think you know the real answer. Both yourself and your son are going through a massive upheaval, please don't (as you clearly know) let this situation and the fact that you are in such emotional pain damage your own relationship with your son. He is part of your future. Support him in making the decision about whether he wants to go. If you feel unable to (understa dably) is there a family member or friend he could mentor your son? Yours son will make his own decisions and see the situation for what it is, believe me, but this will be in time.
Be kind but firm with yourself. All the best for rebuilding your own life, hope the pain subsides soon.
Would send flowers but can't appear to access it)

Original poster

Mollylegs · 29/09/2023 10:08

Hi @Patchworksack it wasn't me who didn't tell my son at the time. It was my chicken shit husband. I just tried not to involve him. I have asked his dad to spend more time with him since the day he left. His dad has chosen not to x

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Antst · 29/09/2023 10:09

Of course you're upset about the situation, but you are CLEARLY so upset that you're taking it out on your son. You need to take a major step back and calm down. Yes, it will be hard but you'll feel better and your relationship with your son will be better in the long-run.

You have not "blurted out" anything about your ex cheating to your son. You've done it deliberately. And his father has done the same thing if he has been talking to your son about when he met the other woman. Both you and your son's father should be ashamed of yourselves.

It's hard even on grown children when a family breaks up. You and your husband are supporting two households instead of one and won't have as much money as you did to help your son get started in life. You say you're not pressuring your son, but you're clearly an intelligent woman. He will feel like he can't talk to his dad without upsetting you. That's what your comments about the cheating are designed to achieve.

You need to step way, way back. Your son deserves to have a father even if the father is a piece of . Your relationship is not your son's fault. You need to make zero comments about the father. Talk about your anger with your friends, NOT your child.

Anyway, you don't need to worry. This woman behaves a certain way and when people have a history of that, they keep doing it. I'd be comfortable betting that she'll treat your ex the same way!

BoohooWoohoo · 29/09/2023 10:15

I think your son wants your blessing to meet his dad's gf. Sadly you have no choice but to fake a smile and reassure him that it's absolutely fine to go. Yanbu to feel what you do but your son is also not unreasonable to still love his dad. We are biologically programmed to want our parents approval regardless of what kind of people they are. 💐

Original poster

Mollylegs · 29/09/2023 13:45

Thank you for your kind non judgemental reply @Gerrataere x

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WandaWonder · 29/09/2023 13:46

It's none of your business and I can't work out why you are being controlling

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/09/2023 13:49

I really wouldn’t worry too much- your son is old enough to know what’s going on, he barely sees his dad by the sound of it- completely step away from their connection and relationship.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 29/09/2023 13:50

I think if he gets to know her and sees what a cow bag she is, he will only compare her to you (utter perfection) and his father’s pedestal will very quickly crumble when he sees how much he has cheapened himself.

Patchworksack · 29/09/2023 13:51

Hopefully your son has the maturity to see clearly what sort of decisions his father is making. I should think the whole ‘Disney Dad’ thing is harder to pull off at this age and he will be clear which parent is a) there for him day to day and b) not a rotten cheat. Hold your head up @Mollylegs and trust your young adult to navigate this for himself.

Original poster

Mollylegs · 29/09/2023 13:52

Hi I didn't tell him about the OW till after his dad did, I was in the wrong as someone further down has kindly pointed out in making comments, I'm only human but I didn't cause this to happen. I think my son will know that his father and grandparents have lied to him. Thanks though @AndIKnewYouMeantIt x

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Gerrataere · 29/09/2023 13:55

Mollylegs · 29/09/2023 13:45

Thank you for your kind non judgemental reply @Gerrataere x

Id be angry too, believe me. Hurt and trying to protect my son whilst also wanting the world to know what a cocklodger he was.

But.

You know that’s not fair on your son and it doesn’t mean it should sour a relationship with his dad going forward. I know it’s a huge cliche, but being happier without this man, making him irrelevant to your existence, that’s the biggest revenge you can give. It doesn’t feel like it now, but he’s given you freedom. Leave them all to it, show your son that you’re the bigger person here. But absolutely no judgment on your anger in the moment, lies and deception followed by gaslighting that it never happened would make anyone furious and feel like no one is on their side.

Original poster

Mollylegs · 29/09/2023 14:02

Hi @twinklystar23 I love my son with all my heart and he has kept me going throughout all of this upheaval, he's a clever lad with his head on his shoulders but is also a big softie, I have tried and failed at being the bigger person 100% of the time but I did try. I have never ever stopped my son from seeing his dad even if I have had plans myself and dad turns up last miniute I always just let him go off and see him. I will just step back tomorrow and wish him a good evening cause I know he will love seeing his dad, Thanks x

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PollyPut · 29/09/2023 14:07

I'm not sure you can stop him going. But you can (and you need to) warn your son that going drinking in a rough area as a young man can be dangerous. Perhaps he will take it on himself to suggest to his father that they meet somewhere else or some other time

Original poster

Mollylegs · 29/09/2023 14:09

Thanks @BoohooWoohoo I've already asked him what he is planning on wearing incase its lurking at the bottom of a pile of washing. Its washed, dryed and ironed now ready for him to go looking smart, he knows he has my blessing even though its through chewing me up inside. His dad hasn't bothered with him too much since he left but I know how important it is to try and keep them speaking. I spent months and months texting his dad to let him know he was being missed but its on his dads terms or sod it xx

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Original poster

Mollylegs · 29/09/2023 14:12

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I don't know where their relationship would be if I hadn't let my ex know that his son still wanted to see him, time will tell xx

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Original poster

Mollylegs · 29/09/2023 14:14

Thank you so much @NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz I needed that xx

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HerMammy · 29/09/2023 14:20

And yet another post about a cheating husband where the wife is clearly misogynistic to another woman. Her kids/their dads etc are fuck all to do with you, your DH is the scumbag

Original poster

Mollylegs · 29/09/2023 14:21

You Know what @Patchworksack you are right, I know my boy knows that I have sat up with him on the nights he cried his huge heart out, on the nights he was really angry and shouted at me then couldn't say sorry quickly enough. On the night in between when all wasn't right in his world. His dad hasn't been here for him but he is still his dad so I will send him off with a smile on my face and a botttle of wine behind my back. Thank you for your kind words, I genuinely mean that xx

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Original poster

Mollylegs · 29/09/2023 14:26

Hi @Gerrataere Thanks, I know how much my son loves his dad and I have tried to keep the relationship going even when I could have quite happily to him to bugger off. x

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Original poster

Mollylegs · 29/09/2023 14:28

Hi @PollyPut I think in explaining this to my son he will just think I'm trying to stop him seeing his dad. Even though its a legitimate reason x

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PollyPut · 29/09/2023 14:31

Mollylegs · 29/09/2023 14:28

Hi @PollyPut I think in explaining this to my son he will just think I'm trying to stop him seeing his dad. Even though its a legitimate reason x

You need to make sure he understands the risks though. How will you feel if you don't, and he gets injured in a fight? Sounds like his Dad is planning to take him drinking (which he will probably be paying for), in a place he doesn't know, in a rough area. Make sure that he knows he can call you and you will pick him up (and your phone will be on all night) if he needs you

Original poster

Mollylegs · 29/09/2023 14:39

Hi @PollyPut he already knows he can ring me, I have told him not to stare at anyone in particular. I can't believe his bloody dad is taking him there at all

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