son meeting other woman

[Mollylegs]

Hi, I hope I don't get too slated for being daft. Back story, my hubby together nearly 22 years left me last year after meeting another person. My husband still denies to this day, helped along by my mother in law that he was with her since the summer. They kept telling my boy that they only met in November which wasn't true. The whole thing hit me so hard, I have tried to not be a bitch about the other woman but sometimes I have blurted something out about his dad cheating. I think my son knows in his heart of hearts that his dad did lie. His dad sometimes sees him maybe every couple of months then sometimes a bit more at my sons grandmas for tea. My son is 19 so obviously not a child, I can't and wouldn't tell him what he can or can not do regarding his dad. His dad has phoned him twice this week which is unusual in itself, he never rings, rarely texts. His dad has asked him to go up to the area he moved to which is rough as a badgers arse tomorrow night to go drinking and to meet the other woman, sorry if it seems I'm not being very kind towards her most people say its only the husbands fault but she knew he was married, she has 4 kids to 4 different dads and I'm told she's quite happy to break up a marriage if it takes her fancy. She has history of it. I can't explain how sick I feel and to be honest totally jealous which I wasn't expecting. I know I'm going to have to just take it but any words of wisdom, any ideas how to stop the knot that is burning in my tummy. My boy still seems to hero worship his dad to a certain extent but he's never made me aware if his dad has asked him to go out with them before now. AIBU to feel this way, probably know the answer myself or is this a normal way to be feeling? Thanks in advance if anyone fancies replyng xx

Hi @Patchworksack sorry to ask a daft question but is there somehow I can turn off commenting, I'm not sure how to, thanks in advance x

@Mollylegs did your son get back safely now?

I agree with this sadly it's so hard though isn't it please treat yourself to something lovely like a spa day this weekend to take your mind off it all x

Hi @PollyPut he's been gone about 20 minutes, it's tonight that he's going. I feel pretty sick but I sent him on his way trying to smile alot. Thank you for asking though xx

Hi @Unexpectedlysinglemum I wish I had the money to go to a spa. He's just left to go out about 20 minutes ago. It is hard, a few people seem to think i'm not nice and being unreasonable. I don't really want my son to be going out with them. I'm pleased his dad has asked to see him, i'm just not very happy about where they are going and her being there x

You are in such a tough situation, so sorry that these things happen 😩
You are right to let ds go without making a fuss and putting your son in the middle. He needs a relationship with both parents if possible and he will work out what happened eventually and who he can rely on. That doesn’t mean you have to lie or cover for your ex either, it’s a tightrope isn’t it? If the OW really has so many kids to so many fathers that doesn’t seem like she has the ability to build long lasting relationships does it? She’s probably a profoundly damaged person herself and your ex will sooner or later find this out. Hopefully you get to find out who you really are and whether you actually need him in your life before he comes asking to come back. As someone who has been in your situation please use this time to work on yourself, you can be a stronger, wiser, kinder and happier person through this, I promise you x

Oh, cry me a river. This cow knew what she was doing. And four kids by four men is not the hallmark of a good parent or decent mother.

OP, at 19 you don't need to protect your son. Be honest with him about what his father did to his mother and his family. Your son is old enough - you don't need to rise above it.

Do an at home spa day - lovely bubble bath movies moisturize yoga paint your nails all the lovely things xxx

Your son may idolise his father but the scales will fall from his eyes if the relationship his father has with the other woman is toxic.

I'm more concerned that you've phrased it as 'go out drinking' rather than for a meal as that to be sounds immature and with a view to drinking to excess/getting drunk.

No you are not unreasonable to feel this way. Your dh of many years cheated on you and lied to you. To make matters worse , you are then expected to send your son off to meet the ow with a big smile on your face. These decisions (that you had no control over) and that completely altered the course of your life are apparently none of your business either 🙄. Your ex is a spineless waste of space. If he wasn’t happy in the marriage fair enough. Communicate that and leave, don’t cheat. You’re well rid of him. So yes, for your sons sake, as a decent parent you will smile and say nothing. But you can feel exactly how you want too!

Hello @MariePaperRoses I wrote about them going out drinking as that is what they're doing unfortunately.

Thank you @LovedmyRaleighChopper it os hard to try and be happy about him going but I sent him away wishing him a good night and to have fun x

Yanbu at all, from experience my friend met the OW and absolutely hated her after a period of trying to get along with her for the greater good. Think he realised how much she had broken his mum and the relationship couldn't prosper.

Hi @DoItAgainPlz Thank you for your nice post. She knew my husband was married and she deecided to have a go. I have heard from others that she isn't the nicest. I know people think I should purely blame my husband, which believe me I did but she made herself very available knowing full well he had a wife and a son. I suppose some people are just that way inclined. My son hasn't seen his dad for about 6 weeks so he's really happy he's going but I won't hide anything from him anymore, why the bloody hell should I xx

Hi @Spacecowboys thank you for a lovely post. My whole life was shattered, my future just gone. 22 years is a long time to love someone and have them cheat on you. It really hurt and it really hurts tonight sending him off. My boy has lovely manners and would automatically be friendly so I know he would not be rude at all when meeting her even if he doesn't like her. I am always proud of how he comes across to others but for one day I'd prefer him to be a bit rude x

Hi @SwiftieGrainger I know it soinds bad but I don't want him to like her. If me and hubby had split up and hed met her after that then fair enough, but like you said it totally broke my heart. My whole world changed and I can't forgive them for that x

Ahh bless you. I know it is devastating now but the cliché that time is a healer really is true. Day by day the hurt lessens and things change slightly but you're absolutely right to not want your son to like her and he most likely won't. She contributed massively to breaking the woman that raised him, she might have made herself competition for your ex but she can't for your son, you're his mum. I really hope you're okay as much as can be :( I'm sorry this has happened to you, please don't get hung up on the notion that you have to be okay with it for the greater good, all of it is disgusting and you have all the right to never be okay with any of it.

Are you the same poster whose MIL lives across the road and you had to see your DH move in there? If so, I'm sorry that your fears he'd met someone else turned out to be true. I think you need to give your DS some credit and know that just because he's going to meet the OW doesn't mean he's condoning what she and his dad did, he's just trying to deal with the situation as best he can. You're still in the eye of the storm so it's hard to think rationally, but the pain will ease at some point.

I get it.

But based on bitter experience, the best thing you can say to your DS about OW is nothing. Even at that age, you just can't stick him in the middle of the fall out. He still needs his DDad, and even though it hurts more than you could ever expect, you just can't stop his DDad introducing the OW in whatever lying terms he decides to use.

Yes you need distraction with whatever treat you can come up with, or comfort from any shoulder on which you can lean.

But when DS returns, you also need the strength to refrain from putting him on the spot. Don't ask more than whether he had a nice time. Stick your nails into your palms to stop yourself from making any comments that are even vaguely negative.

Pay-off, one day either XH or OW will trip up and scales will fall from DS's eyes. And he will realise what you did for him at this shittily hard time.

If they fluff it as early as this visit, and DS asks you about it, be as vague as possible (eg "Are you sure? He told me something quite different, so there must be a muddle somewhere" - and leave it at that. He'll join the dots)

@SwiftieGrainger thank you for not making me feel bad. Its been a horrible year and I am finding tonight rather difficult. The whole situation upsets me and I just can't wait for him to get home so I can give him a hug x

Hi @Inkpotlover yes unfortunately I am that same poster, I've always wanted him to have a good relationship with his dad but I do feel rather crap about it. These 2 people put my son and me through an awful time. They're happy swanning about having holidays and not giving a crap about abyone in the mess they left behind x

Hi @betrayedandwobbly your post was a good one, I will not ask him any questions. The poor soul was dying to see his dad so I hope he's ok. She has 4 children and yet he can't be bothered with his own son. It makes me furious, how dare he treat my son that way, so god knows what my son thinks x

Hi @PollyPut I just thought i'd let you know my son got home safely, thank you for asking yesterday x

If you keep “blurting out” things about DS dad and new partner you will end up damaging your own relation with DS. You’ve already done enough damage, he will feel he can’t fall to either of you most likely.

also, lay off the judgment of OW, it’s so tedious.

I’m so sorry he proved himself to be a cheating arsehole and for the pain he’s putting you through. But I do remember you saying how much your DS was hurting too and missing his dad so I agree with PP that you need to step back and let him have the relationship he wants with him, even if that means him seeing the OW. When he’s with his dad, do something nice to pamper yourself or meet a friend for a drink. Anything but staying home and obsessing about it.