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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Considering officially separating over DH mess?

52 replies

Mommabearof8 · 29/09/2023 09:30

I’ve been married 5 years, with DH 10 years. Two daughters 5&3. Dd (5) has kidney disease.

We have been living apart since January, I got my own house. The decision to stay together was made but slowly try to fix the issues etc. Our living conditions are worlds apart.

we both do joint 50/50 parenting BUT I don’t think I’m willing to invest in it anymore as I’m sick of trying to get through to him. His house is literally an absolute mess, it’s a tip, dirty, untidy on a whole new level and my three year old now saying too nursery she likes mummy’s house as it nice, clean and not smelly.

I’ve actually at my wits end trying to get through to him, no matter how much I moan, shout, try to even reason with him he just doesn’t get off his arse and clean up.

I’ve even said I don’t want my sick child in that and have refused over the past few weeks to allow any stays at his house.

im ready to just throw in the towel and let him live in squalor, entirely walk away from this relationship and just make sure my girls are with me 100%

I feel awful about it as my DDs adore him but if he can’t help himself then I can’t keep investing in this.

PS He doesn’t work is claiming UC and is trying to say he “thinks” he maybe has something wrong with him.

I have PTSD, renal issues, a very bad injury to my leg and look after my children whilst also having a job so I don’t buy his excuses

I defo don’t think I’m being unreasonable

OP posts:
Acheyknees · 29/09/2023 09:34

In what way does having this man in your life make it better? You're separated, he doesn't work and has a filthy house?

Original poster
Mommabearof8 · 29/09/2023 09:39

Yes I agree! I’ve just re read what I have written and it’s really made me look at things very differently. Thanks for replying

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2023 09:45

im ready to just throw in the towel and let him live in squalor, entirely walk away from this relationship and just make sure my girls are with me 100%

Please, throw in the towel already. Throw it to the middle of the fucking ocean. This man will never change, and you have got to protect your children. You know this marriage is over.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/09/2023 09:46

He might well have issues that you have real problems and you are managing so well. I wouldn't dream of letting my kids enter his home.

Original poster
Mommabearof8 · 29/09/2023 09:56

I know what I need to do! I’ve known it for a while and I wanna give myself a
bloody slap…

what’s so infuriating about it, is the attitude of “well you knew I was messy”

as I have said, there is messy then there’s just dirty. I’ve honestly shouted, bawled cried …I’ve even asked HV to speak to him and the school sent social worker to him on basis of HV visit. He just doesn’t seem to care. I’ve gone in and he’s actually sat, in bed with Xbox or Netflix on in the middle of the absolute carnage of his home without giving a shit.

don’t really know what I wanted from this post as honestly I think you ladies will all tell me what I already know…I just need to do it now.

i think I’ve just been fucking blind - I’ve educated myself and got a business degree in amongst being a working mother of 8. Recently had a cafe but sadly due to my DD getting more unwell I had to give it up - his attitude? Well I will watch the kids FOR YOU as your the one that’s always worked and know what your doing with running the business 😳

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 29/09/2023 10:01

8? Where did the other 6 kids come into it?
Regardless he sounds like a total loser and an unsafe person to host the children.

Original poster
Mommabearof8 · 29/09/2023 10:03

I have 6 older children from my first marriage. They are mostly adults

OP posts:
Parlourgames · 29/09/2023 10:04

You are right. Get out of this relationship. He is still the children’s father so it’s not like you are changing that for them.

EaudeJavel · 29/09/2023 10:05

what’s so infuriating about it, is the attitude of “well you knew I was messy”

It's not fair he's not making the slightest effort for his kids, but now, you absolutely do know.
Can you put up with it? Clearly not, and neither could I.

Of course it's a complete deal breaker.

Nanny0gg · 29/09/2023 10:06

Mommabearof8 · 29/09/2023 09:39

Yes I agree! I’ve just re read what I have written and it’s really made me look at things very differently. Thanks for replying

He'll presumably still want to see the children so might be best to speak to SS? Make it in a contact centre not a health hazard.

And don't let him use your home.

Dramatic · 29/09/2023 10:08

Nanny0gg · 29/09/2023 10:06

He'll presumably still want to see the children so might be best to speak to SS? Make it in a contact centre not a health hazard.

And don't let him use your home.

Show quote history

SS won't do anything at all because she's keeping the kids safe by not allowing them to stay there. He would have to be the one to take her through the court to get any sort of contact arrangements

SpaceRaiders · 29/09/2023 10:12

It sounds like you already are officially separated. It sounds like it’s MH related but whatever it is, it isn’t your responsibility to mother him. Your responsibility is to dc only and to ensure their safety. Does he have family that will step up and support him?

Original poster
Mommabearof8 · 29/09/2023 10:13

Social services have said in the few occasions they have been out that because I have taken action in regards to moving myself and his two children out of the house and they live with me they don’t have a role to play at all. I’ve spoken to citizens advice and what they advised me was I can’t legally do anything about him seeing them BUT I can absolutely refuse overnights etc and he would need to see them outwith his home.

OP posts:
rwalker · 29/09/2023 10:13

This argument is as old as time
everyone has different standards nothing to do with being lazy this in there view is perfectly acceptable and the standard they choose to live to
your just not compatible

Somanycats · 29/09/2023 10:14

He likely does have something 'wrong' with him. This type of hoarding and squalor is usually associated with serious mental health issues. So don't be so quick to dismiss what he says. However that does not mean you have to stay married to him or that it is safe for the children to visit. Though they will probably continue to visit even if you divorce.

Original poster
Mommabearof8 · 29/09/2023 10:15

He doesn’t no. I don’t know if it’s MH you know as he’s never been tidy EVER. It’s only been managed because I managed it

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/09/2023 10:19

I expect he does have MH issues.

But he’s an adult - he’s not your responsibility. Your children are your responsibility.

Arrange contact outside his home. That’s all you can it should do.

Prioritise yourself and your DC.

SquirrelSoShiny · 29/09/2023 10:21

Somanycats · 29/09/2023 10:14

He likely does have something 'wrong' with him. This type of hoarding and squalor is usually associated with serious mental health issues. So don't be so quick to dismiss what he says. However that does not mean you have to stay married to him or that it is safe for the children to visit. Though they will probably continue to visit even if you divorce.

This. I'd also query ADHD because it can cause that blindness to surroundings, overwhelm and paralysis starting to clear the chaos. Hyperfocus on video games is a destructive escape. Trust me, I've been that soldier!

This doesn't let him off the hook by the way. I'm just saying don't be so quick to dismiss that he might actually have genuine difficulties. He's telling you that he thinks there's something wrong with him. He's losing you and his children over it. He may well be right.

You're still 100% entitled to walk away from him by the way. 100%.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/09/2023 10:22

I think he definitely has a problem and it's his responsibility to work out how to fix it. How annoying for you that the kids can't do over nights so you can't have an evening out. Would you let him 'babysit' for want of a better word in your clean safe house sometimes?
I definitely wouldn't try and get back together with him I'd rather be single or find a nice clean tidy man x

BungalowBuyer · 29/09/2023 10:28

It sounds like you are already separated, you just need to tell him you are no longer trying to sort things out and you'll be sending him divorce papers.

Sunshinenrain · 29/09/2023 10:32

He definitely has something wrong with him.
No one would choose to live like this.

My mum is the same and actually sleeps in her car because her home is too dirty. My dad used to clean it up a bit but now he’s left it has gotten too bad.

A relationship is meant to improve your life.
This just seems like such a waste of your life and I can’t see what positives this brings to you.
You have to put yourself first.

I do agree that you need to separate completely.
If he wants you to stay/ wants you back then he needs to sort his life out by getting help and making an appointment with his gp.

He will be able to get access to his kids (and rightly so) but whilst he’s living like this and his DD is vulnerable then you can absolutely argue that he’s not to have her in his home until it’s more sanitary.

HectorPlasm · 29/09/2023 10:33

I speak as someone who has a partner who thinks that tidy is a Japanese martial art but that sound intolerable. Couldn't deal with that at all.

Original poster
Mommabearof8 · 29/09/2023 10:51

I have literally told him on so many occasions that it’s me n his family or his squalid lifestyle. He continues to stick to the same narrative I want my family. I’m sure if he DID was his family as much as he makes out he does then the shock of me
leaving him in January should have gave him the jump start. It just seems to have gotten worse since then. I mean he’s literally forgetting appointments, missing stuff, has run up debt etc. it’s even got to the point that unless he absolutely needs food shopping he’s not going. I’ve actually been sending dinners for him as I feel guilty ( I know i
shouldnt) and picking him up food etc when I’m doing my own shop in Asda.

I need to cut it all out I really do as he’s not going to start taking care of himself if I keep
it up. So I will take the responsibility on my own shoulders that I have probably in fact have not helped him.

He has gone to the GP BUT this was to get a sick line as the job centre where putting pressure on him to get a job and he openly said to me im just going to say I’m depressed so I don’t need to look for work!! As someone who does suffer really badly with anxiety and depression and suffers with cPTSD this has made me really pissed off! I’ve told him so many times before that there is NO excuse for him being idle and as a man he should want to provide for his family not put it on his sick wife ( I also have kidney disease)

The last time we argued about this he threw me out of his home

OP posts:
Iamnotalemming · 29/09/2023 10:56

Just think of all the extra time and energy you will have available for you and your DC when you stop looking after him.
You can do it - wishing you all the best!

Dibbydoos · 29/09/2023 10:57

I'm not making any excuses for him but he may be neurodiverse - I sincerely think this is an evolution of brain function readying us for living in an AI world - think Wally but worse.

I could not live with someone like this - I do, my kids are both ASD and it drives me nuts how messy and dirty thry are ' not personal hygiene but their rooms. They get overwhelmed and can't clean them up on their own. If he is neurodiversr, he needs help, so tell him to talk to his GP - he may need help to sort this out, but you have enough on.

Pls take your children out of this. You need a court order stating He can ie take them out no going to his home. You may need to involve SS to look at his house. It might help him with a diagnosis and to get help he needs.

Good luck xxx