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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Considering officially separating over DH mess?

52 replies

Mommabearof8 · 29/09/2023 09:30

I’ve been married 5 years, with DH 10 years. Two daughters 5&3. Dd (5) has kidney disease.

We have been living apart since January, I got my own house. The decision to stay together was made but slowly try to fix the issues etc. Our living conditions are worlds apart.

we both do joint 50/50 parenting BUT I don’t think I’m willing to invest in it anymore as I’m sick of trying to get through to him. His house is literally an absolute mess, it’s a tip, dirty, untidy on a whole new level and my three year old now saying too nursery she likes mummy’s house as it nice, clean and not smelly.

I’ve actually at my wits end trying to get through to him, no matter how much I moan, shout, try to even reason with him he just doesn’t get off his arse and clean up.

I’ve even said I don’t want my sick child in that and have refused over the past few weeks to allow any stays at his house.

im ready to just throw in the towel and let him live in squalor, entirely walk away from this relationship and just make sure my girls are with me 100%

I feel awful about it as my DDs adore him but if he can’t help himself then I can’t keep investing in this.

PS He doesn’t work is claiming UC and is trying to say he “thinks” he maybe has something wrong with him.

I have PTSD, renal issues, a very bad injury to my leg and look after my children whilst also having a job so I don’t buy his excuses

I defo don’t think I’m being unreasonable

OP posts:
Lavenderosa · 29/09/2023 11:01

I agree with you @Mommabearof8 - you must stop taking care of him eg getting his food and trying to persuade him to clean his house. You can just stop the children going there on health grounds and let him have access by taking them out somewhere for an hour or two. It doesn't sound like anything is going to change him so you will be doing the right thing for your children.

Original poster
Mommabearof8 · 29/09/2023 11:01

SS won’t and up to now haven’t done a thing.

OP posts:
tattygrl · 29/09/2023 11:04

Dibbydoos · 29/09/2023 10:57

I'm not making any excuses for him but he may be neurodiverse - I sincerely think this is an evolution of brain function readying us for living in an AI world - think Wally but worse.

I could not live with someone like this - I do, my kids are both ASD and it drives me nuts how messy and dirty thry are ' not personal hygiene but their rooms. They get overwhelmed and can't clean them up on their own. If he is neurodiversr, he needs help, so tell him to talk to his GP - he may need help to sort this out, but you have enough on.

Pls take your children out of this. You need a court order stating He can ie take them out no going to his home. You may need to involve SS to look at his house. It might help him with a diagnosis and to get help he needs.

Good luck xxx

You think neurodiversity is an evolution of brain function readying us for an AI world? Like neurodiversity is a type of brain that is incapable and depends on AI basically?

MargotBamborough · 29/09/2023 11:09

It sounds like he has mental health issues, OP. His behaviour isn't normal.

But your first priority still needs to be your kids. If he wants to have an ongoing relationship with them including overnight stays he needs to get himself some help.

You can't fix people who don't want to be fixed.

Sunshinenrain · 29/09/2023 11:10

You sound like you’ve been very kind and supportive of him but there’s only so much you can do, especially when he’s not helping himself.

We only have so much energy and I don’t know how you can take care of your kids and another adult.
You will make yourself ill if you carry on.

He needs to sort himself out.
As you say you’d think he’d do that when you left but apparently not.

Perhaps he needs to hit rock bottom and stay there for a few weeks, which will trigger him into making a change for himself.

You cannot make that change for him and perhaps whist you are still on the scene he’s still in denial about his issues.
Maybe when he realises you’ve actually ended the relationship will he start thinking about sorting himself out.

ChiaraRimini · 29/09/2023 11:11

I'm divorced from one of these. The kids barely see him now because his house is such a tip and he makes no effort with them. (Their choice not to see him)
It's the same as with addicts. You didn't cause his behaviour, you can't change it or control it. I'd stop overnight contact and get a divorce. Then get on with the rest of your life.

Marmite17 · 29/09/2023 11:11

He sounds like a completely incompatible partner but a father worth keeping in your children's lives. You've said they adore him, he possibly loves them? Could he have contact with them in a different environment, baby sitting at your home, soft play, trip out?

ownedbymydog · 29/09/2023 11:16

8 kids!? Business Studies degree!? Your own business?! You should be running the bloody country, not running around after your partner. As a pp put it, throw that towel into the middle of the fucking ocean 😂. Good luck!

pompomdaisy · 29/09/2023 11:22

Your kids come first op. Cut the rope and let him sail away on his ship of squalor. You've tried. You've warned. Now move on.

Acheyknees · 29/09/2023 11:29

Whether he's NT, has MH issues or is plain lazy, he's not you problem to sort. HE needs to seek help.

IslandsInTheSunshine · 29/09/2023 11:29

Why did you marry him in the first place and have more children?

Has he changed?

I am wondering why you have discovered all of this now, rather than at least 5 years ago.

I agree he may have some issues but without a proper medical/ psychological assessment, it's hard to know if he's just a lazy arse of a man or something else is going on.

How are you managing the finances? You must be doing very well to buy a house on your own. If you divorce, would he be able to claim maintenance off you? Something you need to consider, if he is unemployed and you are a high-ish earner.

I agree his behaviour is unacceptable, but wonder how it's suddenly changed from when you got married.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2023 11:30

Better to divorce now than to be expected to pay spousal maintenance and hand over half of your future accrued pension.

Blough · 29/09/2023 11:31

@Marmite17 fathers do not ‘babysit’ their own kids, it’s just called parenting, and op should not have the man in her house.

CherryMaDeara · 29/09/2023 11:32

You've already done the hard part getting your own house.

Now just do the paperwork and make it official with divorce.

If you need to walk through the process people can help.

CherryMaDeara · 29/09/2023 11:33

Marmite17 · 29/09/2023 11:11

He sounds like a completely incompatible partner but a father worth keeping in your children's lives. You've said they adore him, he possibly loves them? Could he have contact with them in a different environment, baby sitting at your home, soft play, trip out?

Don't let him in the home!

TrashedSofa · 29/09/2023 11:43

CherryMaDeara · 29/09/2023 11:33

Don't let him in the home!

Show quote history

Agree, he can go somewhere neutral instead.

whynotwhatknot · 29/09/2023 11:46

your child is ill so no they cant go there

sorry to say though that you kne what he was like before getting married etc people dont change that much even if they say they will

HazelE123 · 29/09/2023 12:00

How bad is his house? Ok it sounds like he's behaving like a student - playing video games in bed, but is it actually dangerously unhygienic? Or just very messy? By dangerously unhygienic I mean mould growing on things, mice droppings, dog poo around the place etc. Or is it just plain dirty like the floor hasn't been cleaned for two years or something? Just asking because the kids have a relationship with you both that isn't just about having the cleanest house. Maybe send him a message and say you would like him to get a cleaner in weekly to clean up the house, if he is not feeling up to it, and meanwhile you'd prefer him to have days out in the local leisure centre with the kids or something.

pikkumyy77 · 29/09/2023 12:07

You can’t afford to prioritize him—you have renal issues and your five year old does too. You have limited energy and resources. Drop him like a hot potato. The children love him now but long term they will be disgusted by him and let down by him and that will kill their love. Better to lower their expectations now, limit contact, treat him like a distant failed relative. Update them/him but keep the relationship cool/tepid.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 29/09/2023 12:23

SS might get involved if you stop helping him, report him to the school and let him dig himself deeper. You’re not his carer. You have your own physical and mental health to look after.

Nanny0gg · 29/09/2023 12:24

HazelE123 · 29/09/2023 12:00

How bad is his house? Ok it sounds like he's behaving like a student - playing video games in bed, but is it actually dangerously unhygienic? Or just very messy? By dangerously unhygienic I mean mould growing on things, mice droppings, dog poo around the place etc. Or is it just plain dirty like the floor hasn't been cleaned for two years or something? Just asking because the kids have a relationship with you both that isn't just about having the cleanest house. Maybe send him a message and say you would like him to get a cleaner in weekly to clean up the house, if he is not feeling up to it, and meanwhile you'd prefer him to have days out in the local leisure centre with the kids or something.

Cleaner?

He's n benefits¬

And cleaners need a moderately tidy house to clean. Their job isn't to wade through the crap first

WowOK · 29/09/2023 12:26

I think you need to divorce him. He isn't demonstrating any commitment to change. If losing overnights with his kids isn't enough for him to clean then I'm not sure what will be. If he's unwell then he needs to take positive steps to get well.

DentalWoes · 29/09/2023 12:44

He sounds unwell. You can have compassion and understanding, which would be easier for you if he had a proper diagnosis. That doesn't mean you shouldn't get a divorce and stop all contact within his home.

Some areas have specific services for hoarders (a MH condition), although he sounds ND. It is incredibly difficult being ND, and having depression and PTSD can manifest like this. Just because one person has cPTSD and manages doesn't invalidate someone else's symptoms and difficulties. Try not to compare as it doesn't help at all. No one healthy chooses to live in squalor with no food etc. He needs help. You don't have to provide it. Do what is best for you and your children.

Longdarkcloud · 29/09/2023 13:00

OP will he agree to see the DC only away from his home? If so that’s not a problem, but if he won’t or you don’t trust him then cut off all face to face contact and either ask the Family Court to make an appropriate contact order or wait for him to apply for contact.
At that stage SS will be asked by the Court to prepare a report which will entail a visit to his home if you have clearly set out your concerns and provide medical reports.
SS are currently unable to get involved because your DC are being kept safe by you, otherwise all parents, no matter what their standards of hygiene or whether there are any other concerns, could expect a kick at the door from a SW demanding to inspect our homes!

craigth162 · 29/09/2023 13:04

Even if he has MH issues its no excuse. I have severe depression and am a single parent of 2. My youngest is disabled. I work from home while hes at nursery in the mornings. I struggle and am naturally untidy. When it gets out of hand i find it very difficult to get back on top.of things which makes depression worse and its a vicious circle. So i have a cleaner come one day a week. I know it has to be tidyish for her so it forces me to make more effort. She is a godsend and understands the situation. If he wanted to make an effort he could.

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