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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Coparent going abroad

55 replies

Digby22 · 28/09/2023 22:31

I have a reasonably amicable coparenting relationship however I have been very annoyed by something this week and I don’t know if I’m overreacting.

we share custody 50/50 with an understanding that if we have something on one of our days with our son we let the other know and give them first refusal to take over childcare duties that day. This week he went away for the day to the Netherlands so left at 4am back at midnight and left son with his mother with zero mention of this to me - despite the fact we talk daily? He never mentioned this? So I thought son was with his dad in the evening and he wasn’t. No safety issues or anything with his mother having him, and she would have 9-5 the work day regardless but I find it astounding that I was the only parent in the country and wasn’t aware and it’s made me deeply concerned about what else goes on I don’t know about.

I kinda lost it about this and I don’t know AIBU?

OP posts:
Antst · 28/09/2023 22:35

Nope, you're not being unreasonable at all. Of course you have to know who has custody of your child.

Of course you lost it and that was appropriate. If this continues to happen, you should look at the custody agreement. A parent who has to leave the country at the drop of a hat is not in a position to care for a child. It's not fair on the child to be shunted not only from one parent's house to the other's but also to a grandparent's.

wellandtruly · 28/09/2023 22:50

YABU. He can do as he thinks fit on his days as regarding childcare, just as you can on yours. You are both equally responsible, and of course you have no right to know who is doing the childcare on “his” days. That’s up to him. However, it looks like the agreement on “first refusal” for childcare is perhaps breaking down and you both might need to discuss if it isn’t working for you both.

22dig · 28/09/2023 22:54

See I would agree with this if it weren’t for the fact we agreed to offer this to one another - and also we talk numerous times a day, I find it bizaare I wasn’t aware I’m the only parent in the country?

Original poster
Digby22 · 28/09/2023 23:11

wellandtruly · 28/09/2023 22:50

YABU. He can do as he thinks fit on his days as regarding childcare, just as you can on yours. You are both equally responsible, and of course you have no right to know who is doing the childcare on “his” days. That’s up to him. However, it looks like the agreement on “first refusal” for childcare is perhaps breaking down and you both might need to discuss if it isn’t working for you both.

Edited

Why do I have no right to know who’s doing childcare on his days? Considering me and my ex speak to one another several times a day, I find it odd he never said. I give him the respect of knowing where his son is , I don’t know why it’s deemed okay for a parent to not know this. Not arguing genuinely would like it explained to me why I’ve no right to know what my sons doing ?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 28/09/2023 23:15

What would have changed if you did know?

POTC · 28/09/2023 23:20

@Digby22 @22dig are you aware you have replied in a different username to the original post?

NotMyCircus666 · 28/09/2023 23:24

Do you explain to him who’s looking after DS any time someone is babysitting for you?

Wishitsnows · 28/09/2023 23:28

Stop telling him anything as he won’t afford you the same curtesy

Original poster
Digby22 · 28/09/2023 23:33

NotMyCircus666 · 28/09/2023 23:24

Do you explain to him who’s looking after DS any time someone is babysitting for you?

Yes because I always ask him first incase he wants to. I tend to arrange things for when I don’t have him though on account of the fact I have 50% of my time without

OP posts:
Original poster
Digby22 · 28/09/2023 23:34

Doyoumind · 28/09/2023 23:15

What would have changed if you did know?

I’d of had my son on the night in question and now wouldn’t be wondering what else I don’t know about

OP posts:
Original poster
Digby22 · 28/09/2023 23:36

POTC · 28/09/2023 23:20

@Digby22 @22dig are you aware you have replied in a different username to the original post?

Sorry no - new to the site

OP posts:
NewName122 · 28/09/2023 23:39

Yes yabu op.

POTC · 28/09/2023 23:42

@Digby22 new to the site but already going by two different usernames? Bit odd!

Original poster
Digby22 · 28/09/2023 23:47

POTC · 28/09/2023 23:42

@Digby22 new to the site but already going by two different usernames? Bit odd!

Not sure of the relevance, but for clarity - I signed up, then changed my username, had no idea it kept both and I could switch between them 😂

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 28/09/2023 23:52

It is odd. He kept it secret deliberately. I wonder why. Maybe his mum wanted to babysit but he knew if he told you, you wouldn’t let her. Maybe he’s fed up with the talking several times a day and is trying to back off from that. Have a think. There’s a reason.

Maddy70 · 28/09/2023 23:53

It's his custody day. He attached appropr child care. You're being silly

melj1213 · 28/09/2023 23:55

YABU

I co-parent 50/50 with ExDH and it wouldn't even occur to me to be pissed off about this and if I was pissed off it would be that he didn't tell me where DD was in case of emergency, but not that she was enjoying a sleepover with her grandparents.

I think you need to accept that when your DC is with their other parent then you don't get any claim on their time. When DD is with ExDH, he will always give me a heads up if he's short on childcare but if DD wants to have a sleepover at her grandparents (who are happy to have her) and it happens that DH needs overnight care for some reason so he schedules a sleepover to suit his needs then I would have no issue with it.

My DD often had sleepovers with my family on "my time" (she's a teen now so sleepovers with family aren't really a thing now) when she was younger and it was usually something my family initiated by asking to have her, but I would always schedule it to my advantage wherever possible - so if my sister offered to have DD for a sleepover/day out and I had plans for a Saturday evening then I'd ask DSis if DD could stay over Saturday evening ... it's a mutually beneficial arrangement and I wouldn't expect ExDH to be annoyed that I didn't ask him to take over childcare as the sleepover wasn't "childcare" in my eyes, it was "family time that they asked for".

Doyoumind · 28/09/2023 23:55

How old is your son?

It's your ex's choice what happens on his contact days. Perhaps it was nice for your DS to have that time with his grandmother?

cobz · 28/09/2023 23:55

I have never commented on Mumsnet before but just had to come on to say this is so weird as I had the same situation happen today - did they go to the van gogh pokemon thing by any chance?

Grimchmas · 28/09/2023 23:59

I think you over reacted.

His mum was going to be looking after his son that day anyway - she just looked after him for a bit longer.

There will be battles you will want to fight and hills that are worth dying on. I don't think this is one of them. Save your energy, and the goodwill between you, for those things.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 29/09/2023 00:06

Bearing in mind you speak so frequently throughout the day OP, then in your shoes I would have expected him to mention that he would be out of the country but your child would be having a sleepover at his GP's house. So I don't think you're being unreasonable to wonder why he didn't tell you, and what other things he may have kept quiet about.

However, in saying that, I really am surprised that having separated, you seem to talk so often throughout the day. If things are that good between you, I'm wondering whether the relationship could have been saved, which presumably would have been much better for your child than the current situation?

Doingmybest12 · 29/09/2023 00:11

What I find odd is the terminology of 'first refusal' for any additional child care needed. Ideally it would've been reassuring to know who is looking after your child but surely a grandparent can do that sometimes without you feeling you've been not offered the opportunity. It's usually a lovely thing to stay with grandparents. I can't see the issue is with the arrangements, I can see its unsettling to think your child is somewhere and then they aren't. But it might be something you need to get used to and you can have more privacy about your life too.

Doingmybest12 · 29/09/2023 00:16

I don't think it means he's hiding other things from you that you need to know. I think it might mean he wanted his parents to have his child for a change and not for it default to you.

SpaceRaiders · 29/09/2023 00:18

I think you’re being a little unreasonable. How old is dc? I presume grandma has looked after dc before so why the issue? I don’t tell my ex my whereabouts and neither does he with me. It’s a given the parent with care makes appropriate arrangements during their time.

TawnyLarue · 29/09/2023 00:19

He was there with a woman. That’s why he didn’t want tou
to know.

I assume anyway.