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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Coparent going abroad

55 replies

Digby22 · 28/09/2023 22:31

I have a reasonably amicable coparenting relationship however I have been very annoyed by something this week and I don’t know if I’m overreacting.

we share custody 50/50 with an understanding that if we have something on one of our days with our son we let the other know and give them first refusal to take over childcare duties that day. This week he went away for the day to the Netherlands so left at 4am back at midnight and left son with his mother with zero mention of this to me - despite the fact we talk daily? He never mentioned this? So I thought son was with his dad in the evening and he wasn’t. No safety issues or anything with his mother having him, and she would have 9-5 the work day regardless but I find it astounding that I was the only parent in the country and wasn’t aware and it’s made me deeply concerned about what else goes on I don’t know about.

I kinda lost it about this and I don’t know AIBU?

OP posts:
Ducksinthebath · 29/09/2023 10:20

Digby22 · 29/09/2023 07:45

Thank you for your input everyone. Apologies have been made.
I just struggle with not seeing my little boy all the time and guess I thought I had the basic respect from my ex of knowing at least where my son is at any given moment.
for clarity’s sake - he already spends two days a week with his grandma, purely because my ex hated paying CMS. And the trip was a social one. I doubt he was hiding it because of a woman as he has a new girlfriend who I am already aware of.

I now see I over reacted though, and have said sorry.

OP this really isn't a healthy approach. No one needs to know where their child is at any given moment so long as there is a basic level of trust between parents or parents and other carers. What if your co-parent takes your child to, say, the park but the heavens open and they switch to soft play? Do you really expect to be notified by text of this minor change in plans? Sorry to say it sounds like an unhealthy level of control freakery.

Original poster
Digby22 · 29/09/2023 10:50

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 29/09/2023 09:22

Do you message him multiple times a day to obsessively ask where your son is this second?

That's not healthy. And as your son grows up (presuming he's still quite young as you haven't given an age), if you are still wanting to know where he is at any given moment so begin messaging him the same, he will feel stifled and angry with you.

He's with his dad or his grandma that's all you need to know. Dad or grandma can take him almost anywhere (obviously not abroad without permission) in that time and you don't need to know where he is because they are the ones looking after him

No I don’t message him several times a day obsessively asking him 😂 we send each other photos etc and tell each other general plans aka “we are going to my aunts this weekend” etc some people are reallllly reading too much into our arrangement and I’ve said I’ve apologised now 🤷🏻‍♀️ we were barely a couple before I got pregnant so it’s really not as emotive as that.

normally if we have plans, for instance I have an appointment next week, I messaged him saying “I can’t have son next Thursday afternoon, my dad is happy to have him just wanted to see if you did first” and he hadn’t this time and I was put out that I thought my son was with his dad when he wasn’t. Apparently this seems to be the norm tho! Which I hadn’t realised.
feel like a lot of people on this site are basing things off some severe broken communication situations going on

OP posts:
Original poster
Digby22 · 29/09/2023 11:01

Ducksinthebath · 29/09/2023 10:20

OP this really isn't a healthy approach. No one needs to know where their child is at any given moment so long as there is a basic level of trust between parents or parents and other carers. What if your co-parent takes your child to, say, the park but the heavens open and they switch to soft play? Do you really expect to be notified by text of this minor change in plans? Sorry to say it sounds like an unhealthy level of control freakery.

Show quote history

Yeah I was being a control freak, I have said my apologies now 😭 I did 80% custody till a few months ago so guess I just haven’t adjusted to the new ways yet!

OP posts:
Ducksinthebath · 29/09/2023 11:15

Digby22 · 29/09/2023 11:01

Yeah I was being a control freak, I have said my apologies now 😭 I did 80% custody till a few months ago so guess I just haven’t adjusted to the new ways yet!

Show quote history

Clearly not when you're still saying "I thought I had the basic respect from my ex of knowing at least where my son is at any given moment." I'm sure your ex thought he had the respect of a bit of basic trust in his parenting. An apology is all very well but pretty meaningless if nothing actually changes.

PriOn1 · 29/09/2023 16:47

LlynTegid · 29/09/2023 07:30

I see no issue with the trip to the Netherlands or wherever it was, arrangements were made with a family member, just that you should have been told. In case something bad happened to you such as being in a car crash and going to hospital, so that your DD could be contacted.

Mobile phones work in the Netherlands too. OPs ex knew where their mutual son was, so could easily have imparted this information by phone in the event of an emergency.

And from what’s been described so far, OPs son is not old enough to be someone that would be contacted in an emergency. Obviously as the child grows up, he will eventually be given a mobile and then his mum will be able to contact him directly, wherever he is.

It seems like a storm in a teacup and OP says she has apologized. If the dad had taken his son to the Netherlands, I’d expect him to tell the child’s mum, but the dad is free to go where he wants and parent as he wishes, so long as the child is safe. That’s the way parenting works when you are separated.

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