Page 2 | Coparent going abroad

Digby22 · 2023-09-28T21:31:04+00:00

I have a reasonably amicable coparenting relationship however I have been very annoyed by something this week and I don’t know if I’m overreacting. we share custody 50/50 with an understanding that if we have something on one of our days with our son we let the other know and give them first refusal to take over childcare duties that day. This week he went away for the day to the Netherlands so left at 4am back at midnight and left son with his mother with zero mention of this to me - despite the fact we talk daily? He never mentioned this? So I thought son was with his dad in the evening and he wasn’t. No safety issues or anything with his mother having him, and she would have 9-5 the work day regardless but I find it astounding that I was the only parent in the country and wasn’t aware and it’s made me deeply concerned about what else goes on I don’t know about. I kinda lost it about this and I don’t know AIBU?

Doyoumind · 29/09/2023 00:23

TawnyLarue · 29/09/2023 00:19

He was there with a woman. That’s why he didn’t want tou
to know.

I assume anyway.

Bit of a shit date.

More likely for work. Left early to get there for the start of the working day. Came home at the end of the working day.

He was just at work, but out for longer than usual.

If he'd left the child with a stranger, that would be an issue, but he left him with his mum.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/09/2023 00:35

I think, if his mum was going to look after your son anyway that day, then YABU. All that happened was she looked after him a bit earlier than planned (whilst he was mainly asleep) and a bit later than planned (whilst he was mainly asleep).

If however he had to ask his mum to look after your son specially, instead of asking you (and she wasnt already due to be lookinf after him in the daytime), then yanbu to be a bit miffed hat he didnt ask you first, however YABU to be 'deeply concerned' over your son being babysat for a few hours by a loving grandparent and 'losing it' rather than just saying you would have had him and he can always ask you if he wants.

As long as your son is safe and well looked after, this is not worth rocking the boat for

kittenseverywhere · 29/09/2023 00:38

Not unreasonable in that you have an agreement to give the other first refusal. Unreasonable in that he organised suitable childcare during his time. Maybe he saw it as time with grandma rather than babysitting?

SD1978 · 29/09/2023 01:26

@Doingmybest12 - it's actually really not that unusual to have first refusal when the other parent can't fulfil the terms written into custody agreements. I do, and it wasn't something I'd asked for. Basically juts means that neither parent can juts piff the kids off to whoever they want when they have the kids for their own convenience. The other parent gets first choice to say they'd rather have the kids, and if they have no objection then the kids can go somewhere. If you don't have a high conflict situation it's usually more a conversation if they are going to spend Saturday with their grandparent, just to let you know, than a more fraught conversation.

Codlingmoths · 29/09/2023 01:52

If you said to him so are we not doing the offer the other one time first if we are going out/busy on our contact? I need to know if that deal is off? What would he say?

TookTheBook · 29/09/2023 01:58

Why on earth are you in contact with your ex multiple times a day? It sounds stifling! I think it was fine that the child was left with a grandparent especially as the child was going to be with the grandparent for 9-5 anyway.

SpareHeirOverThere · 29/09/2023 05:20

Yabu. He made a perfectly safe and rational childcare choice. He does not need to share every decision with you.

liveforsummer · 29/09/2023 05:47

Maybe granny had asked to have him and really wanted to and/or son wanted to go so decided against offering you first on this occasion, which it is perfectly within his rights to do. Especially as you state there are no issues or safety concerns. Yes I do think YABU

liveforsummer · 29/09/2023 05:53

Actually realised I misread the OP and that granny would have had him all day anyway so just an extra few hours most of which he's in bed. Even more unreasonable and I can completely see why it wouldn't cross his mind to say anything on this occasion. Maybe he is finding the level of contact and involvement a lot though. I certainly wouldn't want that with my ex

wellandtruly · 29/09/2023 06:06

Digby22 · 28/09/2023 23:11

Why do I have no right to know who’s doing childcare on his days? Considering me and my ex speak to one another several times a day, I find it odd he never said. I give him the respect of knowing where his son is , I don’t know why it’s deemed okay for a parent to not know this. Not arguing genuinely would like it explained to me why I’ve no right to know what my sons doing ?

Show quote history

Because you don’t have the right. It’s just that simple. Your child’s father is legally able to make decisions about what the child does, eats, who is looking after him, what time he goes to bed, who he meets, etc etc, on his days. You only have the rights on your days. Unless you suspect harm or neglect, in which case you need to take legal action.

PriOn1 · 29/09/2023 06:11

Was it a work trip? If it was just an extra long working day and his mum normally has your DS when he’s at work, it might simply not have crossed his mind that this would be an issue.

From your post, I get the impression that you feel being outside the UK for a few hours is hugely significant.

”I find it astounding that I was the only parent in the country”

It’s a tiny hop going to the Netherlands. Even in the incredibly unlikely worst case scenario, where all planes are grounded (has happened once in my fairly long lifetime) he could get an overnight boat back.

Maybe this is simply a perspective thing, because to me, going to the Netherlands on a plane isn’t really more significant than flying to Aberdeen from London, for example. There could be a delay getting back, but “being out of the country” when it’s an hour’s plane journey away is a non event for many business people.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/09/2023 06:17

Yes it was an extra long working day. It probably didn’t cross his mind to tell you.

And yes why on earth are you speaking multiple times a day?

I also agree with @PriOn1 what’s so significant about being out of the country? He wasn’t in Australia!

BitOutOfPractice · 29/09/2023 06:18

Also, you “lost it”? What does that look like and how do you expect cooperation to work going forward?

FedUpMumof10YO · 29/09/2023 06:20

You speak several times a day ?? Why on earth ??

Antst · 29/09/2023 06:22

@BitOutOfPractice, when did we start talking like corporate HR people? "Going forward"?

FedUpMumof10YO · 29/09/2023 06:22

*or even daily (which is still too much)

BitOutOfPractice · 29/09/2023 06:39

Oh god @Antst i don’t know 😁 I can only apologise and plead the earliness of the hour in my defence!

PosterBoy · 29/09/2023 06:58

Are you sure you have an agreement rather than this is something you do and he is happy to go along with, but isn't bothered himself about?

I can see how it might work in terms of using parent rather than childminder but why would it also apply to using a loving grandparent as the childcare option?

The contacting him multiple times daily sounds codependent and clingy, as does the flapping about him getting on a short flight. Would Aberdeen have been acceptable? Belfast? Orkney? Which part was particularly upsetting for you - the sea between you, the flight, the km? Odd

Antst · 29/09/2023 07:24

@BitOutOfPractice, happens to us all!

LlynTegid · 29/09/2023 07:30

I see no issue with the trip to the Netherlands or wherever it was, arrangements were made with a family member, just that you should have been told. In case something bad happened to you such as being in a car crash and going to hospital, so that your DD could be contacted.

Original poster

Digby22 · 29/09/2023 07:45

Thank you for your input everyone. Apologies have been made.
I just struggle with not seeing my little boy all the time and guess I thought I had the basic respect from my ex of knowing at least where my son is at any given moment.
for clarity’s sake - he already spends two days a week with his grandma, purely because my ex hated paying CMS. And the trip was a social one. I doubt he was hiding it because of a woman as he has a new girlfriend who I am already aware of.

I now see I over reacted though, and have said sorry.

OP posts:

Original poster

Digby22 · 29/09/2023 07:49

cobz · 28/09/2023 23:55

I have never commented on Mumsnet before but just had to come on to say this is so weird as I had the same situation happen today - did they go to the van gogh pokemon thing by any chance?

Nope I have no idea what that is although it sounds interesting 😂

OP posts:

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 29/09/2023 09:22

Do you message him multiple times a day to obsessively ask where your son is this second?

That's not healthy. And as your son grows up (presuming he's still quite young as you haven't given an age), if you are still wanting to know where he is at any given moment so begin messaging him the same, he will feel stifled and angry with you.

He's with his dad or his grandma that's all you need to know. Dad or grandma can take him almost anywhere (obviously not abroad without permission) in that time and you don't need to know where he is because they are the ones looking after him

wellandtruly · 29/09/2023 09:32

Digby22 · 29/09/2023 07:45

Thank you for your input everyone. Apologies have been made.
I just struggle with not seeing my little boy all the time and guess I thought I had the basic respect from my ex of knowing at least where my son is at any given moment.
for clarity’s sake - he already spends two days a week with his grandma, purely because my ex hated paying CMS. And the trip was a social one. I doubt he was hiding it because of a woman as he has a new girlfriend who I am already aware of.

I now see I over reacted though, and have said sorry.

You don’t seem to quite get it. It has nothing to do with “basic respect from my ex of knowing at least where my son is at any given moment”. The dad not telling you doesn’t indicate lack of respect. Your child doesn’t belong to you any more than he belongs to his dad.

melj1213 · 29/09/2023 10:09

Digby22 · 29/09/2023 07:45

Thank you for your input everyone. Apologies have been made.
I just struggle with not seeing my little boy all the time and guess I thought I had the basic respect from my ex of knowing at least where my son is at any given moment.
for clarity’s sake - he already spends two days a week with his grandma, purely because my ex hated paying CMS. And the trip was a social one. I doubt he was hiding it because of a woman as he has a new girlfriend who I am already aware of.

I now see I over reacted though, and have said sorry.

OP you are being unreasonable to act like your ex was disrespectful for putting his own childcare in place on his days and not telling you every little thing.

Are you fairly recently split up? if you are then you need to learn to pick your battles or you'll set yourself up for a really difficult parenting dynamic as your child gets older and if not then this level of constant messaging/contact and niggling over little (non)issues is way OTT and is going to cause more problems than it solves.

I co-parent DD with ExDH - we get on really well and are very amicable but there's no way we would be messaging "multiple times a day," on a regular basis, nor did we ever expect a blow by blow account of where DD is. If he took her out of the country or was going to be away for multiple days then yes I would expect some basic details in case of emergency but otherwise when DD is with her dad she is his responsibility and I trust that he will parent her appropriately, just as he trusts me to do the same on my time.

We had a loose "first refusal" system with DD but we are very flexible with each other and it was more along the lines of whenever one of us had a weekend event we'd ask if the other wanted to extend their week (we have DD every other week Monday after school till Monday morning, so if I had an event on "my weekend" then I'd ask her dad if he wanted her to come to his on Friday/Saturday rather than after school on Monday) but if a family member has asked to have DD then the first refusal would be worded more as "Hey I'm away this weekend, my sister is happy to have DD for a sleepover/fun day out unless you want to do something with her instead? Let me know by Wednesday so I can organise with DSis" but if ExDH took DD on that weekend I would expect him to have planned an activity/day out etc, not to just be sitting round the house because he wanted to exert his 'right' of first refusal.