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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm a controlling partner?

55 replies

Messymaker · 28/09/2023 20:43

I hate that I always feel annoyed when dh wants to go out. But we have a toddler and throughout the week my life consists of play groups and clubs, helping my disabled parent out and catering to everyone around me. Then come the weekend I work.

This week has genuinely been a full on week and I've not been feeling great physicslly. I'm in a constant burnt out state and just want to scream WHEN DO I GET ME TIME. But I understand its not dh's fault my life is this way and I don't find it fair to keep dh from going out to see his friends and party. He does his fair share too. Works ft and cooks.

So how do I stop myself for being unreasonable about this? He has asked me permission to go which I hate because it makes me feel controlling. I've told him it's up to him. He told me he felt the need to ask because part of him "feels bad" for leaving me behind with dc straight after work when I do is look after dc all week! I want him to go but what about me....

*before people say he takes dc out one day the rest of my time is full up with taking care of sick relative. It wouldn't be so bad had he needed to go out on a day I was working.

OP posts:
Doingtheboxerbeat · 28/09/2023 20:48

Oh I would feel so resentful and it would show, so the relationship would be poisoned anyway.
No advice I'm afraid, but I totally understand how you feel.

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 28/09/2023 20:50

If he’s asking because he “feels bad”, then he isn’t doing enough.

Original poster
Messymaker · 28/09/2023 20:51

@Doingtheboxerbeat it's not like he goes out all the time. Me and dh hardly ever get to go out with friends. Maybe two three times a yr if we are lucky. But we came to the realisation and agreed that whilst dc is so young, it came with the territory and we was going to ride it out.

The only time I feel like I can partially breath is when dh comes home as its my only elevation to everything. Dh does work ft but he has no one demanding anything of him other than dc. Where as I have alot of people depending on me and its mentally draining me

OP posts:
Original poster
Messymaker · 28/09/2023 20:53

@PurpleBananaSmoothie he said he feels bad because he knows I've had a rough week and have a lot on my plate still for the upcoming days.

It frustrated me that he asked because it put me in a position where I was the bad guy to say no. I felt like he wanted an easy way out of earing his conscious for him to go because now its " well I asked and you said it was fine."

But if I say it's not I will feel guilty. So I can't win

OP posts:
Original poster
Messymaker · 28/09/2023 20:54

*clearing not earing

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 28/09/2023 20:54

Would it be possible to enlist some external care support for your parent?

Whattodo112222 · 28/09/2023 20:55

Where is he going, the pub?

BrioLover · 28/09/2023 20:55

I get it OP. I think it's very self-aware to realise you're being unreasonable and to want to deal with that.

When do you actually get time for you though? Perhaps something to bring up with DH (obviously not just before he goes out Grin). Personally I'd look at how much free time you each have and try to equalise that a bit, it helps with the long term resentment and the overall health of your marriage. DH and I learned this the hard way and I'd not recommend getting to the brink of divorce.

Original poster
Messymaker · 28/09/2023 20:56

@Whattodo112222 up to central London for a party

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 20:56

I would tell him that if he "feels bad", that's probably because he knows full well he's taking the piss.

towriteyoumustlive · 28/09/2023 20:56

Who looks after the toddler when you work at the weekend?

I get it feels like you get no ME time, but welcome to the world of having kids! And top that off with disabled parents who must make it even harder.

Does someone else help with your parents?

Your DH isn't so much getting permission to go out. He's just checking it's OK. It's what normal couples do when they have kids and can't go out at the same time.

Why not go out one evening when your DH is home from work? I recommend finding a kick boxing class as it's such a stress relief from a hectic life.

Original poster
Messymaker · 28/09/2023 20:57

@Mmhmmn no. Its a long story but my parent turned down all care help and used up all the help they could get. It's not solely down to me pretty much

OP posts:
Doingtheboxerbeat · 28/09/2023 20:59

@Messymaker Oh I guessed he's not a necessarily a partner, and he can't help with the other stuff you have going but I would still feel a bit salty with my lot , all the same - and that would seep.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 28/09/2023 21:00

a bad partner😖

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 28/09/2023 21:01

Messymaker · 28/09/2023 20:53

@PurpleBananaSmoothie he said he feels bad because he knows I've had a rough week and have a lot on my plate still for the upcoming days.

It frustrated me that he asked because it put me in a position where I was the bad guy to say no. I felt like he wanted an easy way out of earing his conscious for him to go because now its " well I asked and you said it was fine."

But if I say it's not I will feel guilty. So I can't win

He knows you’ve had a rough week taking care of a toddler and a sick relative but doesn’t care enough to stop his plans of going to London for party.

But I’m glad he works full time, cooks and takes the toddler one day. While you have the toddler through the week, while caring for a sick relative and then work all weekend 🙄

You wonder when do you get alone time because you don’t get alone time.

Quartz2208 · 28/09/2023 21:05

You have to say it is not up to you to satay whether he should or shouldn’t go it is his decision

JWR · 28/09/2023 21:06

I’m going to sound awful but it can be difficult when one partner is using what could be their free time to care for parents and then wanting to restrict the other person because they are exhausted. I fell into this and DH very kindly pointed out that whilst he understood why I wanted to/felt obliged to be the carer it wasn’t a situation where he felt it was reasonable to have to support me running myself into the ground and restricting normal life indefinitely.

Blueey · 28/09/2023 21:07

My DH does this sometimes OP (used to much more) - asks me if it's OK to do something, ostensibly to check it's ok. However, the way it feels to me is that he knows I hate to be controlling and to dole out permission as though I'm his parent, and therefore knows I will say yes, meaning he can go and do whatever it is he wants to do without guilt. I then have no leg to stand on in terms of being resentful or complaining, because I said it was OK.

It's a really crap position.

For us, it turned out he genuinely felt I would answer yes or no and he felt he would accept a no perfectly fine. I've had to explain more than once that saying "no" to another adult is really uncomfortable for me as I feel controlling when I do it. I also want him to basically read the room and make his own decisions about when things are appropriate. Maybe asking is reasonable if I am relaxed. If I'm obviously burnt out (as you so clearly are) then I need him to see that and not put it on me. I want him to do what I'd do in that situation and pre-emptively cancel things so as to cut him some slack.

I do think it's a difference in communication as he wouldn't read me saying no as controlling, whereas from my perspective it's hard not to see it as him being manipulative. I think all you can do is explain that telling him what to do is uncomfortable for you. I've told my husband to listen to his gut, if he feels bad about going (as your husband says he does) then perhaps that's a clue!!!

The other side of that coin is that I now also make a strong effort to be clear and try not to say I don't mind him doing something if I do mind really. That way he can trust I mean it when I say I don't mind, if that makes sense? It's give and take on both sides in terms of communicating and recognising you each see it differently. Sometimes there's a compromise - he goes out, but then takes the kids to the park in the morning so I can rest. That sort of thing. It's hard not to become a martyr sometimes, especially if you're used to looking after everyone else first.

I don't think all men are bastards. Some are just a bit dense and can't see their partner communicates differently to them.

SouthLondonMum22 · 28/09/2023 21:08

He only goes out a few times a year did you say? If so, then I would let it go. If it is all of the time then absolutely say something.

USaYwHatNow · 28/09/2023 21:15

@Blueey that's a really great explanation! I think I might use that to help a friend who's struggling with the same scenario

Summonedbybees · 28/09/2023 21:16

Can you imagine any woman on MN allowing her husband to care for his mother, her MIL? at the detriment of their relationship? I know so many women who retire early to look after her parents whilst her husband works full time to support her.
Find a carer for your father and stop blaming your husband for you choosing to put your father over your own welfare.

Hufflepods · 28/09/2023 21:16

@Aquamarine1029 I would tell him that if he "feels bad", that's probably because he knows full well he's taking the piss.

Why is he taking the piss? It’s not his fault that OP is a carer for her parent who refuses other help.
Considering the OP then works on the weekends presumably the DH has the child then so it’s not like either of them get masses of “me time”.

MargotBamborough · 28/09/2023 21:18

You should each be getting equal "me time".

2jacqi · 28/09/2023 21:20

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 20:56

I would tell him that if he "feels bad", that's probably because he knows full well he's taking the piss.

He feels bad but not bad enough not to go in the first place?????? do you have siblings to help care for disabled parent? You should only have DC DH end DP to look after but I know that the woman at home always does the admin and the housework and the shopping and the laundry too. anyone else and you are allowing yourself to be put upon!

Choccybear20 · 28/09/2023 21:26

Yanbu I’d feel the same but the problem lies with you not him. You’ve taken on too much…you really need to take a step back from caring for your parents and find another way to get help for them. If they’ve voluntarily turned down help then have a discussion with them that they need to start accepting help from other places because you can’t cope anymore with it all.