Page 2 | To think I'm a controlling partner?

Messymaker · 2023-09-28T19:43:55+00:00

I hate that I always feel annoyed when dh wants to go out. But we have a toddler and throughout the week my life consists of play groups and clubs, helping my disabled parent out and catering to everyone around me. Then come the weekend I work. This week has genuinely been a full on week and I've not been feeling great physicslly. I'm in a constant burnt out state and just want to scream WHEN DO I GET ME TIME. But I understand its not dh's fault my life is this way and I don't find it fair to keep dh from going out to see his friends and party. He does his fair share too. Works ft and cooks. So how do I stop myself for being unreasonable about this? He has asked me permission to go which I hate because it makes me feel controlling. I've told him it's up to him. He told me he felt the need to ask because part of him "feels bad" for leaving me behind with dc straight after work when I do is look after dc all week! I want him to go but what about me.... *before people say he takes dc out one day the rest of my time is full up with taking care of sick relative. It wouldn't be so bad had he needed to go out on a day I was working.

Tryingtohelp12 · 28/09/2023 21:30

My husband often asks ‘permission’ to do things. Drives me mad! Have told him countless times to just stick it in the shared calendar and if it’s free then go for it. But he’s naturally a very selfless person - he genuinely does feel bad and that’s why he asks. I say it’s good for kids to see/hear about their parents having lives away from them- work, friends, hobbies, sports etc. in my opinion opinion he’s a better parent when it’s all in balance. If you are feeling a sense of when is my me time, honestly it’s up to you to plan and take it. Having kids can make it more difficult to be last minute, we do generally have to plan /book dates in advance but we’ll worth it!

Vinrouge4 · 28/09/2023 21:50

In my book going out partying is for single people with no responsibilities or as a couple. Not as one half of a married couple with young children while the other one stays home.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 21:53

Vinrouge4 · 28/09/2023 21:50

In my book going out partying is for single people with no responsibilities or as a couple. Not as one half of a married couple with young children while the other one stays home.

I totally agree.

RedRobyn2021 · 28/09/2023 21:57

I wouldn't be having this

And I don't care if some man wants to label me as "controlling" because what they call controlling I call mug.

It's not unreasonable that you resent this IMO

RedRobyn2021 · 28/09/2023 21:58

Vinrouge4 · 28/09/2023 21:50

In my book going out partying is for single people with no responsibilities or as a couple. Not as one half of a married couple with young children while the other one stays home.

Yes, this basically

Floribundaflummery · 28/09/2023 21:58

It sounds more as if what is making your life so hard is caring for,parents who turned down other help, so put that back to them and make boundaries around how much you can support eg one visit per week. Then make sure you and DP both get some time for yourselves as individuals and couple or you will both be so depleted. Regular babysitter? Plan something to look forward to.

Tryingtohelp12 · 28/09/2023 22:01

Vinrouge4 · 28/09/2023 21:50

In my book going out partying is for single people with no responsibilities or as a couple. Not as one half of a married couple with young children while the other one stays home.

😂😂😂 this is a bizarre way of thinking to me.. people don’t immediately change personalities because they get married and have children. You can be a great parent and a fun friend

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 28/09/2023 22:02

It's not fair to expect your partner to have no social life because you have decided to prioritise caring for your relative above all else. Your relative needs to get care in and you need to not martyr yourself.

Who looks after the toddler while your working on weekends? Because if its your dp then he is working just as much as you just in reverse.

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 28/09/2023 22:04

Vinrouge4 · 28/09/2023 21:50

In my book going out partying is for single people with no responsibilities or as a couple. Not as one half of a married couple with young children while the other one stays home.

So become a parent and completely give up your social life? You do realise friends and hobbies and life outside of children is important for good mental health? The OP doesn't sound controlling but you certainly do.

RaceToTheMiddle · 28/09/2023 22:05

If it’s an evening thing, why can’t he do bedtime while you tidy up the tea things (or whatever)

Then he goes out once the toddler asleep??

This is generally what we do. Whoever is going out somewhere won’t go til the majority of shit is done. So both parties get to ‘relax’ around the same time…

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 28/09/2023 22:15

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 28/09/2023 22:02

It's not fair to expect your partner to have no social life because you have decided to prioritise caring for your relative above all else. Your relative needs to get care in and you need to not martyr yourself.

Who looks after the toddler while your working on weekends? Because if its your dp then he is working just as much as you just in reverse.

This, you choose to spend your free time looking after a family member because they refuse other services that could do this task, so you think that this then gives you the power to decide what he is does in his free time?

ApiratesaysYarrr · 28/09/2023 22:52

Messymaker · 28/09/2023 20:57

@Mmhmmn no. Its a long story but my parent turned down all care help and used up all the help they could get. It's not solely down to me pretty much

I'm afraid that your parent doesn't get to choose for you: to make you spend any time that is not with the kids or at work looking after them. There is an option to make "me time" and it's by not doing as much for them (because there are others that can do that).

ApiratesaysYarrr · 28/09/2023 22:53

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 28/09/2023 22:02

It's not fair to expect your partner to have no social life because you have decided to prioritise caring for your relative above all else. Your relative needs to get care in and you need to not martyr yourself.

Who looks after the toddler while your working on weekends? Because if its your dp then he is working just as much as you just in reverse.

I agree completely with this.

Original poster

Messymaker · 29/09/2023 10:23

@ApiratesaysYarrr tbh dhs parents take dc out alot during the weekend or they do joint things. maybe I am making a marytr of myself but it's just how I feel. Dh is very lucky to not have anyone depend on him. This is real life, its unrealistic to think that people aren't going to need to depend on you. It just so happens his family never ask him for anything and tbj I think he gets off in life really easy. Yes he works ft but he does none of the mental load. For some reason being a man means you can go to work 9 to 5 and get a round of applause for it. Whilst I'm here juggling the life admin of 5 people and work alongside it which there is just an expectation to do.

When dh looks after dc it's not for ME it's because he is a DAD. But if he was to look after dc when I'm burnt out rather than going up to London to live it up, that would be for me.

OP posts:

MargotBamborough · 29/09/2023 10:27

@Messymaker I don't think you're taking on board what people are saying, which is that your burn out appears to be a result of the fact that you will not say no to your parent. They had alternative options for support and they declined them and chose to rely on you instead. Are you just going to let that situation continue, or are you going to tell them you can't give them as much time and support as they want?

Original poster

Messymaker · 29/09/2023 10:35

@MargotBamborough it's really not as simple as that. I'd rather not get into personal details but my parent has had most of the help they can get and has been left to deal with it on their own. They need my help otherwise they would be unable to do most basic things in life.

OP posts:

MargotBamborough · 29/09/2023 10:39

@Messymaker I'm sorry to hear that but you really, really need to find an alternative solution which doesn't involve you doing everything. Is there literally no one else who can help, no benefits to be claimed, no money to pay for professional support?

Summonedbybees · 29/09/2023 11:16

It sounds like you resent your DH's good relationship with his parents but you expect him to accommodate your caring responsibilities for your parent.

Hufflepods · 29/09/2023 11:16

When dh looks after dc it's not for ME it's because he is a DAD.

No one is suggesting otherwise but you are just being fussy and miserable to say the weekends you work when he has the DC it doesn't count as him contributing in anyway because he might make it fun or include his parents.

It really doesn't sound like your DH swans off and leaves you to do everything all the time.
You literally say he rarely goes out with friends, 2-3 times a year at most! You also mention initially "he does his fair share" now it seems you've decided to put that on its head and say he doesn't.

The point is the same, your problem is not that your DH wants to see friends once in 3 months but that you are being a martyr and a slave to your parent. It isn't fair to blame that on DH and try to punish him for it.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 29/09/2023 16:29

Messymaker · 29/09/2023 10:35

@MargotBamborough it's really not as simple as that. I'd rather not get into personal details but my parent has had most of the help they can get and has been left to deal with it on their own. They need my help otherwise they would be unable to do most basic things in life.

How old are they and what are their needs?you say basic tasks, do you mean eating/washing/toileting?

Do they receive appropriate benefits?

14blackcrows · 29/09/2023 16:37

Its totally natural to feel this way. It doesnt mean you are controlling. You've said he can go. You've just got a lot on and are feeling stressed. Perhaps try and organise a break for yourself where you book in a day or even a couple of days where he does everything and gives you a little break?
I did this with my husband once when I was really burnt out. He booked the time off work a month in advance and had the kids etc.. I went to a local B&B and just slept and read and ate... you might feel much less resentful of all his free fun time if occasionally you got to relax in return. It dounds like he would understand which is why he's asking your permission to go out instead of just saying he's going... not because you are controlling but because he sees you are busy and stressed.
Its hard when you have kids and suddenly arent the fun carefree spontaneous person you used to be.. I really struggled with my first not to feel guilty for needing my husband to do boring things and asking him for help and saying 'can you be here/in at this time' etc.... I felt like the old easygoing me was lost and resented that the man can still be that playful person to an extent.. especially when I was breastfeeding and the baby was attached to me all the time. These feelings are natural. You arent controlling. Its not wrong to ask for help or to have your partner ask you if he can go out. Thats just respectful of him. Because he's aware you might need his help.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 29/09/2023 16:48

@14blackcrows but the stress doesn't seem to be coming from dc? The dh works in week then has care for them at weekends?
The issue from what ive picked up is caring for the dp as well?

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 29/09/2023 16:51

@Messymaker who is the 5?
Whilst I'm here juggling the life admin of 5 people and work alongside it which there is just an expectation to do.
Are there more dc than toddler?

ApiratesaysYarrr · 29/09/2023 19:45

Messymaker · 29/09/2023 10:35

@MargotBamborough it's really not as simple as that. I'd rather not get into personal details but my parent has had most of the help they can get and has been left to deal with it on their own. They need my help otherwise they would be unable to do most basic things in life.

My experience of elderly people who actually need help with personal care, is that often they feel that the state should provide it and don't want to pay for it, because they feel that they paid their taxes all their life in the expectation that this is what would happen, when the reality is that above a certain threshold of assets (which isn't ridiculously high), people are expected to pay.

BigFatLiar · 29/09/2023 20:00

MargotBamborough · 28/09/2023 21:18

You should each be getting equal "me time".

She has 'me time' she just uses it caring for her elderly parent.

If you actually want him to stop in and help just tell him. He may actually take your word for it that you're OK with him going. It may be he is a mind reader but if not just speak up you may find he's happy to be there fir you if you need him.