To think I'm a controlling partner?

[Messymaker]

I hate that I always feel annoyed when dh wants to go out. But we have a toddler and throughout the week my life consists of play groups and clubs, helping my disabled parent out and catering to everyone around me. Then come the weekend I work.

This week has genuinely been a full on week and I've not been feeling great physicslly. I'm in a constant burnt out state and just want to scream WHEN DO I GET ME TIME. But I understand its not dh's fault my life is this way and I don't find it fair to keep dh from going out to see his friends and party. He does his fair share too. Works ft and cooks.

So how do I stop myself for being unreasonable about this? He has asked me permission to go which I hate because it makes me feel controlling. I've told him it's up to him. He told me he felt the need to ask because part of him "feels bad" for leaving me behind with dc straight after work when I do is look after dc all week! I want him to go but what about me....

*before people say he takes dc out one day the rest of my time is full up with taking care of sick relative. It wouldn't be so bad had he needed to go out on a day I was working.

In my relationship any care responsibilities for extended family have been considered 'our' responsibility rather than mine for my side and his for his. So, if I were in your situation my DP would consider my caring in the same light as his job, a responsibility not a part of leisure time. If this isn't the case in your relationship I'd be lobbying to change it. Because it's highly likely when the boots on the other foot you'll be expected to help him with any caring he has to do.
As far as him going out is concerned, if you don't want him to go, say so and say why. Then you cam discuss it honestly as adults rather than saying one thing and meaning something else. It's not 'controlling' to want your partner to be around more to support you more. It might not be a reasonable ask, and thats what you need to discuss. But unless you're trying to stop him going out purely to excercise power, it's not controlling.

You said your parent had turned down other care, what other care have they turned down?

Because as much as you love them, if your parent has turned down other help that is available then it's not your DH that has out you in this position, it is your parent.

Your resentment is being aimed at the wrong person. However because your parent has probably raised you with this feeling of obligation it's not easy for you to let it go.

If there is other help available and your parent is choosing not to make use of it, then you need to toughen up and start to step back and do less. Take some "me" time during week days and be less available for everyone else.

Do you just have the one DC? Does DC go to nursery at all?

Stop enabling your parent who has refused care, and have a life and a marriage.

Your DH works full-time and looks after his toddler in the evenings and every weekend while you are off caring for your parent, through your own choice, and only goes out with friends a “few times a year” but you seem to resent that and to resent that he sees his parents at the weekend as he has an “easy life”.

It sounds like a lonely life and not much of a marriage.

If he goes out 2-3 times a year (is that right?) then I think yes you’re being unreasonable. Yes it’s normal to feel a bit miffed if you’re looking forward to a bit of a break and a Friday night with your DH. But give him a break if this is a couple of times per year. We are all restricted when our kids are little but doesn’t mean parents can’t go out separately including you. Every week, unreasonable, 2-3 times a year and you’re annoyed enough to post on here, yes you are unreasonable. I get it’s courtesy to let partners know you’re going out but no-one should be asking permission once you’ve left home. I don’t see what he’s doing wrong here, you should be telling him to have a good time and plan a nice evening catching up with a friend on the phone or an early night

What a strange way to think.

You don't get married just to be a husband/wife/parent!

OP - how would you like to him have gone about it? Just telling you he is going out?

My DP always asks, but in the sense he wants to make sure we have nothing planned at that time, I'll often drop him off and pick him up to save of taxi fare!

And it works the other way around. We are still individuals who each has our own friends and at the same time we enjoy nights out together. It's a health relationship,

I think the main issue is how much you have going on. You need to come up with a solution to the care your relative needs. This isn't your DP's fault, he has a lot going on too. You both deserve some down time :)