Why is there so little resources for lonely women?

[DidIMissOut]

I’ve been looking for any help/support/place to even talk about loneliness.
Actual physical loneliness, being single and childless in my 30’s has left me really isolated in the world and I just wanted to at least talk about it a little, see if anyone else is going through what I am and maybe support each other.

But it so hard to find anything!
Most loneliness articles are only about men, leaving women out.
Online when I try to find something it’s either filled with men being angry at women, saying they don’t believe women can be lonely or they staight up say they are men’s only groups (that’s totally fine, I just wish there were something to women also).

Anything that is more women heavy, is filled with women who have husbands and twelve kids sating how lonely they are.
We can’t help each other, vecause we don’t understand each other AT ALL.

Books tend to be about, once again from men’s pov, for them, and thei isolation (usually those are also about how to not be or become an addict, violent, anti-women etc, so there’s nothing for me)

Bews are often worried about linely people, those always turn out to be about boys/young men.

It leaves me/women like me, outside of the outsiders.
And that just makes me feel even more worthless…
And have nowhere to turn to.

@SisterMichaelsHabit

Ridiculing support groups - very shameful, bizarre and denotes a poor compassion less character. Hopefully you or your loved ones won't need one in the future.

OP I'm guessing you need a deeper emotional connection, rather than a list of distraction activities. Is that correct?

Is that why you want people in your situation who truly understand and as a result real bonds can be formed that will create real relationships of substance rather than a walking group etc; where people just go back to their busy lives and don't necessarily want more than a surface level acquaintance?

If that is the case I think perhaps starting your own support group or to finding someone else's group to join would be more beneficial. I think asking on Mumsnet was the right thing to do, as there are many people who may know others in similar situations and can advise on what you're after.

What the hell are you on about? I’ve read your comments in shock and horror to be honest, is there any need to be so nasty to the OP is clearly struggling? There are plenty of women on mumsnet who are not mothers as evidenced by the child free board, so how dare you try to insinuate the OP is wrong for posting. Mumsnet has always been very clear that it’s not a site just for mums. I just can’t imagine the sort of person who would intentionally make someone who talks about being lonely feel unwelcome. Fucking shameful to be honest.

OP, FWIW I completely agree that being single and childless is a completely different kind of loneliness to being coupled up/in a family and I say this as someone who’s experienced both. I think the absolute key here is to meet other single women, have you tried bumble bff or any of the groups suggested?

OP, I haven't read the whole thread - I'm ill and don't have it in me today. So I don't know of this has been suggested already.

Have you heard the expression 'necessity is the mother of invention'?

If the group you are looking for doesn't exist, start it.

You could indeed have saved yourself the bother.

To everyone asking why the OP and others specifically want to talk to people in their demographic (single, childless, similar age) - for my 2 cents, it's not because of wanting an echo moan-chamber, and it's not because anyone thinks it's impossible to have meaningful connections with people outside your demographic.

It's because it's exhausting, and other-ing, to have to keep telling people about who you are / what your context and background is/ how that is informing your day to day life and feelings.

It's like being an expat. You can form great connections with people in your new country. But you are still different. After a while, when you meet someone who comes from where you come from, even if you've never met them before, there is just this incredible sense of relief that you're talking to someone who gets your context / background. You have similar cultural reference points that just don't need to be explained/ asked about/ given headspace when navigating the conversation. They just already know.

I know that everyone is different, however when I lived alone, I found these things helped me, so they may help you ?

I did lots of walks & I enjoyed looking at nature.
This in turn helped me tune into the different seasons. I found some extraordinary things like mushrooms that were bigger than dinner plates, white deer, call of the cuckoo, owl hooting etc

I also started to grow a few plants, vegetables & flowers. Which also connected me to nature. You can swap veggies & plants with other people too

Sometimes, it is the simple things that help

I volunteered

I joined some local groups

I expanded one of my sporting hobbies out of my comfort zone & this lead to bigger & better things. So I really recommend trying things outside your normal comfort zone.

I hope that this helps you ?

where has OP said anything at all like that? She's only said that loneliness is different( if you are completely alone compared to if you have people around you.

Nobody is saying people with children and partners, or just a partner, or even neither but with close family, or whatever, can't also feel lonely, or sad/depressed etc. Of course they can.

But surely it's obvious that if you literally live completely alone, and can go days/weeks without even saying hello to someone unless you make the effort to leave the house, knowing that if someone, for example, breaks into your house you've got nobody else as support, thinking if you fell down the stairs and broke your leg and couldn't get to your phone it could be days/weeks/months before anyone found you... is different to feeling lonely but still having people physically present.

She hasn't even said that it's worse - having experienced both there are ups and downs to both - living completely alone can be very lonely but could also be safer/happier/more relaxing/less stressful than your living situation being linked to a bad relationship (of any kind, not just romantic).

@FineWordsForAPorcupine makes a really good point.

It's because it's exhausting, and other-ing, to have to keep telling people about who you are / what your context and background is/ how that is informing your day to day life and feelings.

This can apply to many things though. If you cut out a lot of people on the basis that they are not like you, or give up too quickly in terms of finding what is to like, you will build yourself into a rather narrow little well. Fewer relationships = less practice at relationships at all, and the problem of really wanting to put all of your eggs into one basket when the circumstances occasionally do look as if they could click, but perhaps fearing disappointment if doing that, too.

Not everyone will like you. Some people, you will like even if you would never have thought it likely given their description or personality. Some should be very similar yet you find you really don't want to continue friendships with them. You have to find that out.

I hear you on this, because I have been an expat.
The only thing I would say is that sometimes it is easier to find single women in say, a book club or a walking club rather than go looking for groups with only single women. My book club is mostly single, childfree women.

Thank goodness for posters like @YaWeeFurryBastard.

Every time I see a thread on here it seems that people take great delight in picking apart OP's words and making strawman arguments. Almost salivating to find offence and kick people when they are quite obviously feeling down and vulnerable.

I hope you are ok OP
and haven't been scared off.

I’m a bit concerned about some of the language here. The OP and at least one other poster have referred to activities people do as ‘distractions’. I don’t song, and play instruments and go to courses and book club etc as distractions from loneliness. I do them because I enjoy doing them. Because I do them I am not lonely. It’s a massive distinction.

It's pretty shit. Have never been into mainstream "woman" things. This thread is testament to how weird and bitchy people can be.

Hi OP
I'm very sorry to hear you are feeling lonely, I've been lonely in the past and it was very painful, still feel it sometimes.
Loneliness is thought to be the experience of disconnection / lack of connection rather than being alone as such. So for eg you might be at work but everyone else seems friendly with each other while you feel on your own, or not have friends to meet up with etc. This can happen to anyone, but obviously higher risk is if you say live alone , or work long hours or struggle with confidence or are anxious about meeting people etc.
how are you feeling?
Do you think if you make some attempts to meet others or join groups this will help or do you feel anxious and unconfident and maybe a therapist could help you by talking it through and starting to make a plan to connect more with others, step by step.
Can you tell us a bit more? :)

What are mainstream "woman" things?

People who look down on women and the things that attract a majority female audience? Yes. Very bitchy.
why do you feel so superior?

I agree with what you're saying, but I was trying to make a different point. Absolutely we can find great connections/friendships etc with people who we might not expect or who don't fit our demographic. To continue my expat example, we can form amazing new relationships with people in our new country.
What I was trying to say was that in addition to the many other relationships we all have, most of us want certain relationships where the other person 'gets' certain things about us.

Eg I do have kids. They are hugely meaningful relationships to me. But I have felt lonely in the past, when I have had noone to talk to who understood about being a Mum in the particular circumstances I was in. I know several mums who have felt lonely in the same way.

I'm not trying to say my loneliness at that time is the same as the OP's. Of course it isn't. I'm just trying to explain what I mean about how sometimes there's something about your identity or circumstances that you just need someone to understand, and you feel much more lonely if you don't have someone to talk to who gets it, no matter how many other meaningful relationships you have.

Well her replies come across as extremely prickly, passive aggressive and narrow. No-one has suffered as she has and no-one is allowed an alternative opinion.
I'm drawing my own conclusions.

Er, Pot? Meet Kettle.

What specifically is missing according to you?

If people seek things out there is all sorts so what actually do you want?

I was going to say much the same. I have no partner or children, and I'm around twice your age, but I've never been lonely. I was married for 12 years, and honestly was more lonely for parts of the marriage than I've ever been when single. I've also never felt isolated, or worthless - why should I? Not having a partner or children doesn't make me either of those things, and no-one has ever suggested that I am.

You can't just expect things to magically happen in life, and you are far too young to just give up. If you want a partner and children then you need to get involved with other people - sitting around discussing how lonely you are will get you nowhere.

I thought something kind of related, which is that possibly the situation is being framed in a way that means others misunderstand what the problem is.

OP, I think you might get better responses if you stopped saying you want resources for lonely women and instead explain that you want to meet with others who are dealing with a form of grief based around not having found a life partner.

Loneliness is too vague and inevitably you end up with other lonely people in completely different situations and others telling you how they got over their loneliness. You don’t sound lonely, per se, you sound like you’re grieving over something you hoped for that hasn’t come to pass.

Yes, you get fed up with having to explain yourself to people. Always being asked why you're not married/haven't got kids.
I understand why people ask, but it's wearisome to have to keep explaining yourself when it's really none of their business.

I am 64 and can't remember ever having to explain myself to people, or being asked why I wasn't married (I got married when I was 30, but have been single again since I was 42) or why I haven't got kids. I don't live in the UK, and really can't relate to this.

Hello @DidIMissOut I'm sorry that you're feeling so low.

can I point you in the direction of this rather lovely group on Facebook? It's for women who like to travel and it organises very lovely gatherings across the country for women of all ages and circumstances, many of them single. It's more about bringing lovely singles together than tackling loneliness. It was started by a friend of a friend and a recent trip she went on was just wonderful. No dating involved !

Look for 'Women who love to travel and inspire each other '

Have you looked at www.thelonelinessproject.org/?a=299 it has stories and contributions from all kinds of people.

This website also has useful links. www.campaigntoendloneliness.org/

This also looks rather lovely and inspiring www.artandhealing.org/unlonely-project/

I hope that these help. X

I only get it from men. "I don't understand why you never married." No one ever asked including you, so why do you think anyone else should have? I might have said no even if they had asked, but I don't think anyone has ever been close to it. Women are either more sensitive, don't care, or think it's too obvious why not - I think mostly we've just got more interesting stuff to talk about.