Why is there so little resources for lonely women?

[DidIMissOut]

I’ve been looking for any help/support/place to even talk about loneliness.
Actual physical loneliness, being single and childless in my 30’s has left me really isolated in the world and I just wanted to at least talk about it a little, see if anyone else is going through what I am and maybe support each other.

But it so hard to find anything!
Most loneliness articles are only about men, leaving women out.
Online when I try to find something it’s either filled with men being angry at women, saying they don’t believe women can be lonely or they staight up say they are men’s only groups (that’s totally fine, I just wish there were something to women also).

Anything that is more women heavy, is filled with women who have husbands and twelve kids sating how lonely they are.
We can’t help each other, vecause we don’t understand each other AT ALL.

Books tend to be about, once again from men’s pov, for them, and thei isolation (usually those are also about how to not be or become an addict, violent, anti-women etc, so there’s nothing for me)

Bews are often worried about linely people, those always turn out to be about boys/young men.

It leaves me/women like me, outside of the outsiders.
And that just makes me feel even more worthless…
And have nowhere to turn to.

Agree @SisterMichaelsHabit

Also agree with a pp that being a parent of children doesn't necessarily help in alleviating loneliness, though they physically reside in the same house. There is also the weight of the responsibility at times, but that's another thread.

OP- There have been plenty of threads on Mumsnet from people who are lonely, have no friends, or feel isolated. You really might gain something from those if you look, or start something of your own.

I voted YABU because Meetup and locla facebook pages etc are available for anyone to start a group.

I hear you. Even though I have a child loneliness does creep in. I've joined some lonely ladies groups on FB who are all into making friends and meeting up to do all sorts. Ladies post a bit about themselves, what they are interested in and see if anyone wants to tag along to anything they fancy. I've made a few new friends who I've yet to meet but am going to a posh bar in Canary Wharf this weekend to meet up with a few for the first time. Quite looking forward to it actually. Maybe that's an avenue you could try.

There are childfree groups on FB that posters often talk about the loneliness of being childfree. Childfree not by choice - support is a good and supportive one, for example.

I'm a single, childless woman in her 40s, who two years ago moved to a town where I knew none, AND I work from home, so I really do get where you are coming from.

I'm not trying to dismiss you, but I think you should seek out some counselling. When you say things like:

"And these days I really need to talk and be allowed to be honest.
I can’t do the pretend I’m fine anymore.
To me, that only makes me lonelier.
And keeps me isolated.
I need to be honest and vent a bit, here and there."

You are saying loud and clear "I am not fine and I need to talk about how not fine I am". It sounds like you really need and deserve someone to focus on you and help you work on this aspect of your life. Even on this thread, you have batted aside practical suggestions in favour of (literally) crying out for someone to hear and pay attention to what you are going through.

I think, even if you found the perfect single-childless-woman-meetup (many of which have been suggested on this thread) it still wouln't be the "right" thing for you, because actually you don't want to deal with other people's loneliness, you NEED to deal with your own, and you need and deserve support whilst you do that.

Very wise and insightful words there.

An idea .
Get on Facebook and set up a local social group for the over 30's. My friend belongs to one and it has over 1000 members and she's now so busy socially I have to book her 6mths ahead because she's out so much .

I agree with pps that possibly reading about loneliness isn't necessarily going to make you feel better - and that your energies would be more usefully focused on looking for real-life encounters.

I'm sure you've considered many of the obvious suggestions but lots of my friends have found like-minded people in walking/running groups, choirs/bands (if that's your thing), volunteering, especially on nature reserves or wildlife settings (charity shops, OK, but perhaps a bit more lonely), the CAB etc.

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. You are focusing on getting support with being lonely - almost as if you have accepted that this is how things are, that they are not going to change, so you need support in dealing with your loneliness for the rest of your life. A bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, you have branded yourself a "lonely person" and are looking for other people in the same boat to cement this idea about yourself.

It would be more positive to look at ways of addressing your underlying issues. Like to sing? Join a choir. Join a knitting group. Volunteer. Go to church. Get involved in your local gardening group. Whatever floats your boat. You will meet people to chat to for sure. Some might become friends, some might not. But at least you'll be out, contributing to your community, making connections and not just focussing all the time on how lonely you are.

This may sound cheesy, and it would be a tangent rather than finding the 'perfect group', but I recommend having a look round for free coaching options. In the past I have found one-off events on Eventbrite but there are other areas where people who are training can look for coachees to be able to apply these case studies to their training programmes (one example is ILM qualifications).

This will at least help you to speak to someone and create a relationship with them, based on the centre of what YOU want to progress to in group surroundings. They don't do the work - they help you to. They should hold you accountable so you're not 'too distracted/ too unlike other women' to do so. They will be open to your conundrum but not intending to be a friend. You won't get on with them or agree 100% of the time with them. Their life circumstances won't be exactly like yours. But the process shows you that this is just something you have to work out amicably, not allow it to shut you down.

I'm not a fan in theory - as I'm quite resistant and prickly. It does me the world of good to have to get out of my own way and my own internal world, though.

I'm in my 50s, childless and mostly single. I'd say being single and childless is easier than being a single mother of young children - I have the freedom to leave the house, go out and do things. And I do do things - I've always done evening classes and exercise classes, I've organised social events at work, I have days out to see exhibitions, I go to the cinema, I go on holidays alone - yoga retreats can be good, as people are usually there alone, but I've also travelled half the world alone. There have been some things i haven't done because of being alone, but not many.

I keep in touch with friends I do make, so they don't forget me - and when they're all busy with small children, I have had to do most of the running there, be the one to travel to see them and so on. But now we have online messaging and video calling and all sorts, it makes it easier. There is also online dating, where you can eventually find a partner, or you will realise there are far worse things than being single... But sex is available if that's all you want, even good sex.

It's not all great - there have been times when I've been in floods of tears. (No one knows, because I've been alone.) Going months and months without a hug from anyone is hard. But in the end, you have to get on with it - people don't want to mix with someone who is always down and tearful, so you have to put on a brave face and be upbeat about it at times, else you get even fewer invitations. And that can be hard work sometimes. It might have made me quite hard-hearted and unsympathetic, but that's what decades of having to deal with it does.

There are now message boards, which means if I need information about specific issues, I can probably get that info if I need to, more easily than a few decades ago. Most things I come up against in life aren't specifically about me being single. I've had a few health issues I've had to deal with alone - it would be nice to have had more support there, but I also know from plenty of MN threads that being in a partnership is no guarantee of support anyway. It's probably easier starting from the knowledge I have to deal with things alone than dealing with feeling betrayed and unsupported by someone who should be on my side, but it turns out isn't.

Being single and alone might mean I have something in common with people, but I don't usually want to focus on that. I might want to talk about how can I afford to live alone or a hospital expecting me to have someone to look after me after they discharge me, but I'm as likely to want to talk about language or gardening or yoga or things that are mostly nothing to do with me being alone. So while I'm clearly attracted to threads about being single, I'm not sure I'd want it to be my main focus, because I suspect it would make me feel worse rather than better - and I'd worry it would do that for others, too.

Maybe this won't help but it's something to think about.
I wasted most of my 30's in an utterly crap relationship that did nothing for my personal development and only dragged me down. I wish I'd just stayed single (I thought I was lonely!) and developed my character.
You are not old. Do what others have suggested and get out there and discover who you really are.

And you're determined to be rude, read something the OP never said and kick someone when they're down.

Op said she's a long time user of MN, to post in AIBU on a platform primarily for mothers and then telling them their loneliness is irrelevant and less than, well I'm more concerned about a depressed mother reading this op and feeling even more guilt about her PND or MH.
I had no issue with the premise of the thread until the competitive loneliness thing which is at best thoughtless and needs to be called out for any mothers reading this and struggling. If rooting for vulnerable mothers who are the most likely users to come on here for support and be likely to click on a thread titled LONELY WOMEN then yeah couldn't careless if some random online thinks i'm rude. Actually op kicked those mothers down and you're determined to pile on when the thread has moved on with most replies effectively telling her to get out and get a hobby.

@EBearhug you sound absolutely marvellous. And so much fun.

I expressed an opinion about your post.

I'm entitled to do that and I couldn't care less what you think of my contribution to the thread.

Have a pleasant afternoon.

Would talking about your loneliness make you feel less lonely?

There are single, childless women in my walking group. We all go on activity holidays and camps together. There must be other activities if that doesn’t float your boat. A colleague joined a samba drumming group- she loved it.

Have a look at the kind of groups where you might meet likeminded people.

Please pop over to the Childfree board on here for a chat. Quite a range of people over there but it in an inclusive and friendly space.

For real life suggestions for female focused support try the WI. Not specifically for lonely people but a great network of supportive women, you don't tend to find too many mothers of young children either.

There are resources out there, you just need to find them
Mandy Hale is a fantastic author and blogger. She is single and in her 30s.
There are Facebook groups for women giving good advice, Wild Women Sisterhood one of them off top of my head. I think once you find groups you will get many other suggestions from others who are in the group.
I was widowed at a young age and felt very misplaced, so it was a relief to find other people encountering similar issues.

I was going to say the Childfree board too. I don't post there- because I am not childfree- but definitely saw a long running thread by a single, childfree poster there.

My DDad runs a well attended group for men. Women sometimes ask why there isn’t a group for them? The answers are:

a - no one is willing to step up and run one.
b - women at all ages and stages feel lonely. It’s difficult to find times and places that suit everyone’s commitments and budgets
c Single, older , child free women can often be found attending specific classes - art or yoga classes, volunteering, or attending meet ups in the pub.

I don't want to hijack the OP's thread, because I am married and have grown up DC. But I have had success making friends with Meetups, book clubs, walking clubs and volunteering. I had a long thread on itm which I need to update.

I spotted a lovely looking fb group which is called 'girls who walk sunderland' recently. It's only for women and although they do walk, they also seem to meet up for social times ie meals, coffee etc.

I thought it was a lovely idea . I think it came from Manchester originally but think there may be others around the country x

Hope uou find something that will ease your loneliness x 💗

Same here. I have tried joining social groups, and already involved with church. but the people are all older than me. I need people my age. But most people have kids.

@Toddlerteaplease may I ask why you need friends your own age? I have friends 15 years younger. Single friends. Single childfree friends.
I just think that making friends is hard enough these days without ruling people out.