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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenagers and lifts - who should do it?

72 replies

Aviolive · 27/09/2023 20:41

Firstly I’ll caveat this by saying that we live remotely without good public transport links, so quite a lot of lifts are necessary on a daily basis!

AIBU though in thinking that you should only really be the default lift giver for your own children, and not their friends/girlfriends/boyfriends? So if DS for example was out, he’d need a lift home - but if he has friends/a girlfriend over to our house, they should be picked up by their own parents and it isn’t down to us to pick them up and then drop them back at home again?

Just curious what the norm is amongst other families so we are setting reasonable boundaries.

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 27/09/2023 20:46

And here is the reason my parents moved to somewhere less remote...

If you're the one that lived remotely then you'll find it's you that ends up doing most the taxiing around!

If you can't drop the GF back off then perhaps say she can't come round unless someone can collect her? My parents would always collect me but friends parents would usually collect from our house at reasonable times.

Dramatic · 27/09/2023 20:51

How far are you having to drive each time? I quite often do this for my kids friends, I don't really mind

Anonnymommy · 27/09/2023 20:54

Tbh we lived remotely all my childhood life. My parents would do it every now and again and the same with the other parents. It was shared. However such is life that times have changed now!

sunshineandshowers40 · 27/09/2023 20:57

I have done this for my DC's friends as some parents just won't collect them (although we aren't remote so they could walk); I don't mind, the kids are always polite and thank me. I would expect to pick up my DC but not all parents think like this.

IspendallmymoneyonEtsy · 27/09/2023 20:59

I think your assumption is right. Single parent here with DC who has friends who live remotely. I give my own DC a lift to friends/work but wouldn’t dream of ferrying other teens who live in the sticks to our house (which is in town).

nearlywinteragain · 27/09/2023 21:01

We thankfully now live much more centrally so this is less of an issue.
But everyone takes it in turns and yes we sometimes run other dc back from our house, other parents do the same.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/09/2023 21:04

This is one reason I’m glad we live in the city. I was a teen based rurally and it was horrible being dependent on parents if you wanted to go anywhere. It feels like being so trapped and controlled.

But no, my parents didn’t fetch and drop friends to our house, and likewise their parents didn’t come out to get us. When there was late night picking up and lift giving to be done, the parents took it in vague turns, so then they would each drop “the rounds” of us. It’s not fun for either parents or children though.

UsingChangeofName · 27/09/2023 21:10

I think there are lots of "it depends".

I think giving teens lifts is a great way to listen to them, and talk to them, so I was always happy to give mine lifts over the years.
I also think, 'if I'm out anyway, then it's no bother to drop X and Y home too' .

But, against that, I wouldn't go and pick up a friend or girlfriend, bring them to my house, then take them back - ie, doing the route 4x. I'd be expecting some sharing with other families.

Depending on age of teens and how long they'd known the friends etc, I'd be having them sleep over / having them go there from school or from the activity.

There's a balance.

2chocolateoranges · 27/09/2023 21:15

I don’t mind doing my fair share of picking up and dropping off but think all parents should take their turns.

one of dds friends live a good 25 minute drive from all her friends, in a farm and her parents would just expect her to make her own way home and would go away for weekends leaving her home alone from about 14/15. We did more than our share of dropping off and picking up as I felt so sorry for her.

now dd drives it’s her that does all the driving.

Owjrbvr · 27/09/2023 21:16

When I was growing up it was the parents of the visiting child who did lifts.
With DD now it’s the parenting of the visiting child apart from one friend where mum will drop off and I’ll take back. Either way it’s kept pretty even.

Owjrbvr · 27/09/2023 21:17

Also if you’re hosting a child then it’s pretty rude to have to do lifts too

Igmum · 27/09/2023 21:29

It's seldom evenly spread. I'm a single parent who works FT in a demanding job but I still end up doing most of the lifts. At the moment we're at stalemate because DD and three of her friends want to do an activity that takes a few hours that you need to drive to. I've said I'm happy to do one way and could another parent do the other (in the past I've stayed there but there is literally nothing to do). Between 4 other parents with 4 other cars no one can be bothered to do the other lift. Fortunately DD is on side on this (because the other parents have form).

TinyRebel · 27/09/2023 21:42

I grew up rurally and absolutely hated it! Solution to the lift issue was hitchhiking, walking/cycling, staying away all weekend and being friendly with plenty of older lads with cars.
The situations I got myself in don’t bear thinking about.
Live in a village with a good bus service now and am always happy to sort out lifts for eldest DC when needed, but she’s pretty good at navigating bus/train independently.
Our living space is (thankfully) far too cramped to have to navigate the minefield of having friends and boyfriends stay though. I know my friends with slightly older kids used to take it in turns to do lifts for various social occasions.

WildFeathers · 27/09/2023 22:10

My Mum did the lions share of dropping everyone home for me and my friends. I’m currently doing the same for my teenager and their friends. Everyone was super grateful to start with and now take it more for granted but I really look back and appreciate my Mum for doing it and so I’ll keep doing it. I do get to hear lots of interesting things in the car! My teenager comes with me to drop everyone off even if they’ve been at our house and so we get a lovely chat on the way home without siblings in the car, which has renewed the closeness we had before teen hormones hit. I view it as doing something more for my child rather than for their friends.

Namerequired · 27/09/2023 22:27

We live rural with no bus service so I do a lot of lifts generally anyway. When it comes to visiting friends or them us it’s all pretty shared out. We may share lifts if they are going to the cinema as a group etc. Definitely don’t feel that anyone takes advantage and there’s always offers.
My eldest’s girlfriend though I did all lifts for both of them until they moved out. I’m still the one they call when they need anything, despite them living closer to her parents.

RC1234 · 27/09/2023 22:40

We live in a town, but public transport is pretty much none existant after 5pm or at a weekend. I have been known to pick up and return some of DDs friends. But only if they live too far away to walk and only if I know their parents can't possibly give a lift (e.g. no car, at work) and I have soare time. This limits it to a few friends on a Saturday. There was a stand off this summer, as DD and friends were unwilling to walk half a mile or so between homes. After a few days of boredom the girls found that they could walk after all.

Original poster
Aviolive · 28/09/2023 10:41

Thank you.

I wanted unbiased opinions but this particular issue relates to DS(17) GF. I can’t stand her so its colouring my view of whether lifts are reasonable/expected or not (when frankly I’d rather she wasn’t in my house at all).

She has cheated on him multiple times (with the same person), they’ve broken up and got back together probably the same amount of times, she’s been known to scream and swear at him when she’s been challenged. It’s an incredibly unhealthy relationship.

So I admit I am feeling rather resentful that my evenings are being disrupted for someone I dislike so much. (Not once have her own parents brought her or picked her up, the expectation is that it’s always down to us)

But it seems based on the replies here that (putting my dislike of her and their relationship aside) 50/50 on the lifts would be a more reasonable way to do it.

OP posts:
Goldmember · 28/09/2023 10:48

In your case I wouldn't bend over backwards ferrying someone else around.

I expect DD (15) to walk to and from friends houses unless it's late or pissing it down then I'd collect her if I'm available but there are some parents who will give her a lift, she's been told to insist she can walk herself back. I'll give her friends lifts home if they are here later, past 8pm, it's very infrequent though, once a month or so. Not overly inconvenient.

SM4713 · 28/09/2023 10:55

At 17, I'd expect her to use public transport (no matter how infrequent), use her own family for lifts, or pay for a taxi! I thought you were going to say she was very young, not 17!

Lamelie · 28/09/2023 10:57

Good transport links but I was always happy to drop and collect including friends.
I don’t drink so always sober and I savoured being the safe pair of hands in my kids’ peer group- even collected stranded drunk friends who were too scared to call their parents.
Didn’t have young children to worry about/ petrol costs/ onerous job to get up for and it was only for a few years though- it wouldn’t be the answer for everyone.

Lamelie · 28/09/2023 10:58

Seeing your update, I wouldn’t be putting myself out.

SunflowersAndSmellyTrainers · 28/09/2023 11:01

I'm always happy to give lifts - it's a good way to find out what's going on in teen life😂

I've been in your situation OP, and it made me all the more keener to offer lifts in that situation purely to have my ear in on what was going on.

Original poster
Aviolive · 28/09/2023 11:41

SunflowersAndSmellyTrainers · 28/09/2023 11:01

I'm always happy to give lifts - it's a good way to find out what's going on in teen life😂

I've been in your situation OP, and it made me all the more keener to offer lifts in that situation purely to have my ear in on what was going on.

I can understand that! But honestly, I’d rather not know what’s going on in their relationship - I already know it’s a car wreck and I don’t need any further confirmation 😂

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 28/09/2023 17:46

With your update, then no, I'd not be facilitating that relationship at all.

If it is going to work, at that age, then I'd let them figure out how they get to see it other. Including an incentive to learn to drive.

My previous response was working from my assumption you were talking about 13, 14, 15 yr olds, and, I will admit, assuming the friends were nice, and were appreciative.

Original poster
Aviolive · 29/09/2023 13:17

UsingChangeofName · 28/09/2023 17:46

With your update, then no, I'd not be facilitating that relationship at all.

If it is going to work, at that age, then I'd let them figure out how they get to see it other. Including an incentive to learn to drive.

My previous response was working from my assumption you were talking about 13, 14, 15 yr olds, and, I will admit, assuming the friends were nice, and were appreciative.

I agree with you. I don’t want to assist in facilitating it at all if I’m honest. DH disagrees and says we should do it because it makes him happy and it’s not about her!

I also really want him to learn to drive so he can do this kind of thing himself but he’s dragged his heels a bit with that too. One hour a week lessons and has only just booked his theory test after 4 months… and he’s currently on his 3rd driving instructor as he’s so flaky…

OP posts: