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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenagers and lifts - who should do it?

72 replies

Aviolive · 27/09/2023 20:41

Firstly I’ll caveat this by saying that we live remotely without good public transport links, so quite a lot of lifts are necessary on a daily basis!

AIBU though in thinking that you should only really be the default lift giver for your own children, and not their friends/girlfriends/boyfriends? So if DS for example was out, he’d need a lift home - but if he has friends/a girlfriend over to our house, they should be picked up by their own parents and it isn’t down to us to pick them up and then drop them back at home again?

Just curious what the norm is amongst other families so we are setting reasonable boundaries.

OP posts:

MrsMara · 01/10/2023 15:17

gemma19846 · 01/10/2023 12:57

Theyre children, make sure they get home safe. Be the bigger person. Keep in touch with their parents and arrange between you lifts and drops

At 17 and having sex they are hardly children. For goodness sake.

IspendallmymoneyonEtsy · 01/10/2023 15:35

UsingChangeofName · 01/10/2023 14:50

Have you got a teen? Because I don’t know many older teens going out at night where the parents are coordinating/in touch with each other.

But my dc would say "Mum, can you drop me and Jane and Kieran into town tonight please?" Or, "Can Alex have a lift back with us tonight please?".
I wouldn't have contact with parents, but the teens would know who they are going out with.

That’s not the sort of scenario we’re talking about here though.

Gina19824 · 01/10/2023 15:58

If my children invited them I pick them up and drop them hone.

JudgeRudy · 01/10/2023 16:05

A 17 year old girlfriend isn't a playmate (in the conventional sense). I would not be the default lift giver. How remote is your home (compared to your groups norm)? How does she get to your home in the first place? If eg she's there in the evening and there's no public transport then let your son know they need to make arrangements.
Say you will (with pror agreement) take him to hers.
You need to ensure you're not saying I can't give you a lift this weekend, you're saying from now on I shan't be giving regular lifts.

bjjgirl · 01/10/2023 16:07

For my teens I will pick up or drop off and the other parent does the other.

However this is sorted between the teens as I will say if you want to go xyz I'll drive you Saturday but Sunday I'll take you one way etc etc so organising the lift is their responsibility

shoofly · 01/10/2023 17:27

My own mum ferried us round half the country when I was a teenager and when she died 5 years ago I had 4 cards from friends (who I haven't really kept in touch with over the past 25 years) sympathising and also with lovely messages about the warmth and kindness and lifts. With this in mind, I've tried to be similar with my teenagers but to be fair there's been a level of other parents helping out and not taking the piss. Having said that, given your update, I'd only make sure she gets home....

Harperhan · 01/10/2023 17:27

We live rurally and we try to arrange lifts amongst all the parents, so some will take and some pick up etc. My son is driving now and I will still head out at 1am to collect him from a party. My friends son and best friend were involved in a fatal accident and I would rather my son know he can have a drink without worrying about drink driving.

EskSmith · 01/10/2023 17:38

I agree with the poster who said I'd do it to keep an eye on my son.

We moved to a rural village when my eldest DD was 4. Even then I knew that the teenage years would end up with me being a taxi service. I do pick up and drop off her friends/ boyfriend as I see it as my choice we live rurally. Often the other parents help out but I'd do it anyway as I see it as doing something for my daughter.

I'd talk to your son, perhaps agree to do the journey in both directions once or twice a week, any more and she will need to arrange lifts.
Refusal to engage with her here is likely to push your son away. He needs to see who she is in his own time.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 01/10/2023 17:43

We are rural too. It was always the visitor whose parents drove in my experience so if he is visiting her I would expect you to be arranging the lift and when she comes to you her parents drive. At 16 my DS got a mo-ped and became independent.

MamaGhina · 01/10/2023 17:48

After your update I’d make myself unavailable as much as possible.
In bed “with a headache” etc no I wouldn't be her taxi service but I would avoid being honest about why.

NancyJoan · 01/10/2023 17:52

I do a lot of the lifts, but I like my DD’s friends and they are nice and chatty. In your situation, I would start drinking at 4pm every day.

cardibach · 01/10/2023 17:55

I lived in a fairly remote location when DD was a teen. Solved in the main by every evening visit including a sleepover. They were so routine they didn’t cause an issue they all just…went to bed.

TheSilentSister · 01/10/2023 18:27

Rule is, if someone is staying over, the other parent picks up. Also, you are not an unpaid taxi. It's great that you are helping your DC's social life but sooner or later they've got to work it out for themselves.
I live in a (small) town and it's just as hard sometimes to get from A to B as in a village.

Pinkandpin · 01/10/2023 18:36

I'm happy to accommodate any lifts, but then I'm a SAHM, so I'm not juggling as much as other parents. Not all kids are in the same type of home as mine. A couple of her friends seem to go nowhere ever. Some parents don't drive, some work till 6 so I'm happy to run kids around.
If my daughter was constantly asking for lifts for a boy I knew to be treating her badly, it would be a flat out no. I wouldn't even be giving excuses. I don't like them, I don't want them here I'm not helping.

Thexwife · 01/10/2023 18:43

You can’t suddenly stop the lifts. If she’s manipulative- she’ll somehow use it against you and your son. Definitely start cutting back. Say you don’t mind doing the lift back but you can’t collect her as your out yourself. Go round a friends and have a whinge about her!

CoreopsisEverywhere · 02/10/2023 09:25

We live rurally with no public transport.

100% of occasions the visiting child’s parents pick up, never the host parents dropping back.
It would also never be a negotiation. Just a text sent by the parent or the child saying, for example, ‘pick up at 10 o’clock’.

Beautiful3 · 02/10/2023 10:19

Growing up it was the guests parents responsibility, to drop off and collect. However since having kids, their friends get dropped off by parents and I have to drop them back. But I use this to my advantage, as I prefer to drop them off at 7pm (no traffic and stlll plenty of time to enjoy my evening). This way they don't overstay their welcome.

Angrymum22 · 02/10/2023 10:27

DS’s best friend lived 40mins away so we had an arrangement to meet half way. DS drives so not so much a problem. If he ends up at a friends after a night out his friend gives him a lift home or back into town and I pick him up. I think you just go with what works but beware of the parents who expect you to do all the driving,

NotAKangaroo · 02/10/2023 10:35

There is no way I would be doing any lifts. I would not be facilitating a relationship where my child is treated badly. If he wants to continue this awful relationship, he can organise it with her, but I would be quite clear that I am not helping.

Julimia · 02/10/2023 13:34

Oh my word. Does it really matter as long as these young people are sorted? Goodwill? This phase will pass.

HollaHolla · 02/10/2023 13:48

I sadly don't have kids, but when we were teenagers, my Mum was super good at dropping friends off, etc. She doesn't drink, so was always on hand!
In seriousness, I had a boyfriend at 16/17, who they weren't overly keen on. He was the year above me at school, but lived about 15 miles away (big high school!) He would come home for tea a couple nights a week, and she would either drop him home, or at least to the Bus Station, so he didn't have to get two busses home. I would often go to his at the weekend, and his Mum would drop me back.
I realise that sounds like it was the Mums doing all that, but his Dad worked away - and his Mum didn't work outside the house.
So, yes, I would expect a reasonable amount of lift giving (couple of times a week), and ask for it to be reciprocated.
As soon as we both passed our driving tests, we borrowed parent's cars wherever possible.

1mabon · 02/10/2023 15:03

Get the parents to pick them up, you are not a taxi service.

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